CONTENTS
Cover
AbouttheAuthor
AlsobyDaleCarnegie
TitlePage
Dedication
Prefacetorevisededition
Howthisbookwaswritten–andwhy
Ninesuggestionsonhowtogetthemostoutofthisbook
PARTONE:FUNDAMENTALTECHNIQUESINHANDLINGPEOPLE
1‘IfYouWanttoGatherHoney,Don’tKickOvertheBeehive’
2TheBigSecretofDealingwithPeople
3‘HeWhoCanDoThisHastheWholeWorldwithHim.HeWhoCannot
WalksaLonelyWay’
PARTTWO:SIXWAYSTOMAKEPEOPLELIKEYOU
1DoThisandYou’llBeWelcomeAnywhere
2ASimpleWaytoMakeaGoodFirstImpression
3IfYouDon’tDoThis,YouAreHeadedforTrouble
4AnEasyWaytoBecomeaGoodConversationalist
5HowtoInterestPeople
6HowtoMakePeopleLikeYouInstantly
PARTTHREE:HOWTOWINPEOPLETOYOURWAYOFTHINKING
1YouCan’tWinanArgument
2ASureWayofMakingEnemies–andHowtoAvoidIt
3IfYou’reWrong,AdmitIt
4ADropofHoney
5TheSecretofSocrates
6TheSafetyValveinHandlingComplaints
7HowtoGetCooperation
8AFormulaThatWillWorkWondersforYou
9WhatEverybodyWants
10AnAppealThatEverybodyLikes
11TheMoviesDoIt.TVDoesIt.WhyDon’tYouDoIt?
12WhenNothingElseWorks,TryThis
PARTFOUR:BEALEADER:HOWTOCHANGEPEOPLEWITHOUT
GIVINGOFFENCEORAROUSINGRESENTMENT
1IfYouMustFindFault,ThisIstheWaytoBegin
2HowtoCriticise–andNotBeHatedforIt
3TalkAboutYourOwnMistakesFirst
4NoOneLikestoTakeOrders
5LettheOtherPersonSaveFace
6HowtoSpurPeopleOntoSuccess
7GiveaDogaGoodName
8MaketheFaultSeemEasytoCorrect
9MakingPeopleGladtoDoWhatYouWant
AShortcuttoDistinction
Copyright
AbouttheAuthor
DaleCarnegie,knownas‘thearch-priestoftheartofmakingfriends’,pioneered
the development of personal business skills, self-confidence and motivational
techniques.Hisbooks–mostnotablyHowtoWinFriendsandInfluencePeople
–havesoldtensofmillionsworldwideand,evenintoday’s changing climate,
theyremainaspopularasever.
Bythesameauthor
HowtoDevelopSelf-confidenceandInfluencePeoplebyPublicSpeaking
HowtoEnjoyYourLifeandYourJob
HowtoStopWorryingandStartLiving
TheQuickandEasyWaytoEffectiveSpeaking
Thisbookisdedicatedtoaman
whodoesn’tneedtoreadit:
mycherishedfriendHomerCroy
EIGHTTHINGSTHISBOOKWILLHELPYOUACHIEVE
Getoutofamentalrut,thinknewthoughts,acquirenewvisions,discovernewambitions.
♦
Makefriendsquicklyandeasily.
♦
Increaseyourpopularity.
♦
Winpeopletoyourwayofthinking.
♦
Increaseyourinfluence,yourprestige,yourabilitytogetthingsdone.
♦
Handlecomplaints,avoidarguments,keepyourhumancontactssmoothandpleasant.
♦
Becomeabetterspeaker,amoreentertainingconversationalist.
♦
Arouseenthusiasmamongyourassociates.
♦
Thisbookhasdoneallthesethingsformorethantenmillionreadersinthirty-sixlanguages.
How to win Friends and Influence People was first published in 1937 in an
editionofonlyfivethousandcopies.NeitherDaleCarnegienorthepublishers,
SimonandSchuster,anticipatedmorethanthismodestsale.Totheiramazement,
thebookbecameanovernightsensation,andeditionaftereditionrolledoffthe
pressestokeepupwiththeincreasingpublicdemand.HowtoWinFriendsand
Influence People took its place in publishing history as one of the all-time
international bestsellers. It touched a nerve and filled a human need that was
morethanafaddishphenomenonofpost-Depressiondays,as evidencedbyits
continuedanduninterruptedsalesintotheeighties,almosthalfacenturylater.
DaleCarnegieusedtosaythatitwaseasiertomakeamilliondollarsthan
to put a phrase into the English language. How to Win Friends and Influence
People became such a phrase, quoted, paraphrased, parodied, used in
innumerable contexts from political cartoon to novels. The book itself was
translated into almost every known written language. Each generation has
discovereditanewandhasfounditrelevant.
Whichbringsustothelogicalquestion:Whyreviseabookthathasproven
and continues to prove its vigorous and universal appeal? Why tamper with
success?
Toanswerthat,wemust realisethatDaleCarnegiehimself wasatireless
reviserofhisownworkduringhislifetime.HowtoWinFriendsandInfluence
PeoplewaswrittentobeusedasatextbookforhiscoursesinEffectiveSpeaking
andHumanRelationsandisstillusedinthosecoursestoday.Untilhisdeathin
1955heconstantlyimprovedandrevisedthecourseitselftomakeitapplicable
totheevolvingneedsofanevergrowingpublic.Noonewasmoresensitiveto
the changing currents of present-day life than Dale Carnegie. He constantly
improvedandrefinedhismethodsofteaching;heupdatedhisbookonEffective
Speakingseveraltimes.Hadhelivedlonger,hehimselfwouldhaverevisedHow
toWinFriendsandInfluencePeopletobetterreflectthechangesthathavetaken
placeintheworldsincethethirties.
Manyofthenamesofprominentpeopleinthebook,wellknownatthetime
offirstpublication,arenolongerrecognisedbymanyoftoday’sreaders.Certain
examplesandphrasesseemasquaintanddatedinoursocialclimateasthosein
a Victorian novel. The important message and overall impact of the book is
weakenedtothatextent.
Ourpurpose,therefore,inthisrevisionistoclarifyandstrengthenthebook
foramodernreaderwithouttamperingwiththecontent.Wehavenot‘changed’
HowtoWinFriendsandInfluencePeopleexcepttomakeafewexcisionsand
add a few more contemporary examples. The brash, breezy Carnegie style is
intact–eventhethirtiesslangisstillthere.DaleCarnegiewroteashespoke,in
anintensivelyexuberant,colloquial,conversationalmanner.
Sohisvoicestillspeaksasforcefullyasever,inthebookandinhiswork.
ThousandsofpeopleallovertheworldarebeingtrainedinCarnegiecoursesin
increasing numbers each year. And other thousands are reading and studying
HowtoWinFriendsandInfluencePeopleandbeinginspiredtouseitsprinciples
to better their lives. To all of them, we offer this revision in the spirit of the
honingandpolishingofafinelymadetool.
DorothyCarnegie
(Mrs.DaleCarnegie)
Duringthefirstthirty-fiveyearsofthetwentiethcentury,thepublishinghouses
ofAmericaprintedmorethanafifthofamilliondifferentbooks.Mostofthem
were deadly dull, and many were financial failures. ‘Many,’ did I say? The
presidentofoneofthelargestpublishinghousesintheworldconfessedtome
that his company, after seventy-five years of publishing experience, still lost
moneyonsevenoutofeveryeightbooksitpublished.
Why,then,didIhavethetemeritytowriteanotherbook?And,afterIhad
writtenit,whyshouldyoubothertoreadit?
Fairquestions,both;andI’lltrytoanswerthem.
I have, since 1912, beenconducting educational coursesfor business and
professional men and women in New York. At first, I conducted courses in
publicspeakingonly–coursesdesignedtotrainadults,byactualexperience,to
thinkontheirfeetandexpresstheirideaswithmoreclarity,moreeffectiveness
andmorepoise,bothinbusinessinterviewsandbeforegroups.
Butgradually,astheseasonspassed,Irealisedthatassorelyastheseadults
neededtrainingineffectivespeaking,theyneededstillmoretraininginthefine
artofgettingalongwithpeopleineverydaybusinessandsocialcontacts.
IalsograduallyrealisedthatIwassorelyinneedofsuchtrainingmyself.
AsIlookbackacrosstheyears,Iamappalledatmyownfrequentlackoffinesse
andunderstanding.HowIwishabooksuchasthishadbeenplacedinmyhands
twentyyearsago!Whatapricelessboonitwouldhavebeen.
Dealingwithpeopleisprobablythebiggestproblemyouface,especiallyif
youareinbusiness.Yes,andthatisalsotrueifyouareahousewife,architector
engineer. Research done a few years ago under the auspices of the Carnegie
FoundationfortheAdvancementof Teaching uncovered amostimportantand
significant fact – a fact later confirmed by additional studies made at the
CarnegieInstituteofTechnology.Theseinvestigationsrevealedthateveninsuch
technicallinesasengineering,about15percentofone’sfinancialsuccessisdue
to one’s technical knowledge and about 85 percent is due to skill in human
engineering–topersonalityandtheabilitytoleadpeople.
Formanyyears,IconductedcourseseachseasonattheEngineers’Clubof
Philadelphia, and also courses for the New York Chapter of the American
InstituteofElectricalEngineers.Atotalofprobablymorethanfifteenhundred
engineershavepassedthroughmyclasses.Theycametomebecausetheyhad
finallyrealised,afteryearsofobservationandexperience,thatthehighest-paid
personnel in engineering are frequently not those who know the most about
engineering. One can, for example, hire mere technical ability in engineering,
accountancy, architecture or any other profession at nominal salaries. But the
personwhohastechnicalknowledgeplustheabilitytoexpressideas,toassume
leadership,andtoarouseenthusiasmamongpeople–thatpersonisheadedfor
higherearningpower.
In the heydayof his activity, John D.Rockefeller said that‘the ability to
dealwithpeopleisaspurchasableacommodityassugarorcoffee.’‘AndIwill
paymoreforthatability,’saidJohnD.,‘thanforanyotherunderthesun.’
Wouldn’tyousupposethateverycollegeinthelandwouldconductcourses
to develop the highest-priced ability under the sun? But if there is just one
practical,common-sensecourseofthatkindgivenforadultsinevenonecollege
intheland,ithasescapedmyattentionuptothepresentwriting.
TheUniversityofChicagoandthe UnitedY.M.C.A.Schoolsconducteda
surveytodeterminewhatadultswanttostudy.
Thatsurvey cost $25,000 andtook two years. Thelastpart of the survey
was made in Meriden, Connecticut. It had been chosen as a typical American
town. Every adult in Meriden was interviewed and requested to answer 156
questions – questions such as ‘What is your business or profession? Your
education? How do you spend your spare time? What is your income? Your
hobbies?Yourambitions?Yourproblems?Whatsubjectsareyoumostinterested
instudying?’Andsoon.Thatsurveyrevealedthathealthistheprimeinterestof
adults–andthattheirsecondinterestispeople;howtounderstandandgetalong
withpeople;howtomakepeoplelikeyou;andhowtowinotherstoyourwayof
thinking.
Sothecommitteeconductingthissurveyresolvedtoconductsuchacourse
foradultsinMeriden.Theysearcheddiligentlyforapracticaltextbook on the
subject and found – not one. Finally they approached one of the world’s
outstandingauthoritiesonadulteducationandaskedhimifheknewofanybook
that met the needs of this group. ‘No,’ he replied, ‘I know what those adults
want.Butthebooktheyneedhasneverbeenwritten.’
Iknewfromexperiencethatthisstatementwastrue,forImyselfhadbeen
searching for years to discover a practical, working handbook on human
relations.
Since no such book existed, I have tried to write one for use in my own
courses.Andhereitis.Ihopeyoulikeit.
In preparation for this book, I read everything that I could find on the
subject–everythingfromnewspapercolumns,magazinearticles,recordsofthe
familycourts,thewritingsoftheoldphilosophersandthenewpsychologists.In
addition, I hired a trained researcher to spend one and a half years in various
libraries reading everything I had missed, ploughing through erudite tomes on
psychology, poring over hundreds of magazine articles, searching through
countlessbiographies,trying to ascertainhowthegreatleaders ofallageshad
dealtwithpeople.Wereadtheirbiographies.Wereadthelifestoriesofallgreat
leaders from Julius Caesar to Thomas Edison. I recall that we read over one
hundredbiographiesofTheodoreRooseveltalone.Weweredeterminedtospare
notime,noexpense,todiscovereverypracticalideathatanyonehadeverused
throughouttheagesforwinningfriendsandinfluencingpeople.
Ipersonallyinterviewedscoresofsuccessfulpeople,someofthemworld-
famous–inventorslike Marconi andEdison;politicalleaderslike FranklinD.
RooseveltandJamesFarley;businessleaderslikeOwenD.Young;moviestars
like Clark Gable andMary Pickford; and explorerslike Martin Johnson –and
triedtodiscoverthetechniquestheyusedinhumanrelations.
From all this material, I prepared a short talk. I called it ‘How to Win
FriendsandInfluencePeople.’Isay‘short.’Itwasshortinthebeginning,butit
soon expanded to a lecture that consumed one hour and thirty minutes. For
years,IgavethistalkeachseasontotheadultsintheCarnegieInstitutecourses
inNewYork.
Igavethetalkandurgedthelistenerstogooutandtestitintheirbusiness
and social contacts, and then come back to class and speak about their
experiencesandtheresultstheyhadachieved.Whataninterestingassignment!
These men and women, hungry for self-improvement, were fascinated by the
idea of working inanew kind oflaboratory– the first andonly laboratory of
humanrelationshipsforadultsthathadeverexisted.
Thisbookwasn’twrittenintheusualsenseoftheword.Itgrewasachild
grows. It grewand developed outof that laboratory, out ofthe experiences of
thousandsofadults.
Yearsago,westartedwithasetofrulesprintedonacardnolargerthana
postcard.Thenextseasonweprintedalargercard,thenaleaflet,thenaseriesof
booklets, each one expanding in size and scope. After fifteen years of
experimentandresearchcamethisbook.
Theruleswehavesetdownherearenotmeretheoriesorguesswork.They
work like magic. Incredible as it sounds, I have seen the application of these
principlesliterallyrevolutionisethelivesofmanypeople.
Toillustrate:Amanwith314employeesjoinedone ofthesecourses. For
years,hehaddrivenandcriticisedandcondemnedhisemployeeswithoutstint
ordiscretion.Kindness,wordsofappreciationandencouragementwerealiento
his lips. After studying the principles discussed in this book, this employer
sharply altered his philosophy of life. His organisation is now inspired with a
new loyalty, a new enthusiasm, a new spirit of teamwork. Three hundred and
fourteen enemies have been turned into 314 friends. As he proudly said in a
speechbeforetheclass:‘WhenIusedtowalkthroughmyestablishment,noone
greeted me. My employees actually looked the other way when they saw me
approaching.Butnowtheyareallmyfriendsandeventhejanitorcallsmeby
myfirstname.’
This employer gained more profit, more leisure and – what is infinitely
moreimportant–hefoundfarmorehappinessinhisbusinessandinhishome.
Countlessnumbersofsalespeoplehavesharplyincreasedtheirsalesbythe
useoftheseprinciples.Manyhaveopenedupnewaccounts–accountsthatthey
hadformerlysolicitedinvain.Executiveshavebeengivenincreasedauthority,
increased pay. One executive reported a large increase in salary because he
applied these truths. Another, an executive in the Philadelphia Gas Works
Company, was slated for demotion when he was sixty-five because of his
belligerence,becauseofhisinabilitytoleadpeopleskillfully.Thistrainingnot
onlysavedhimfromthedemotionbutbroughthimapromotionwithincreased
pay.
Oninnumerableoccasions,spousesattendingthebanquetgivenattheend
ofthecoursehavetoldmethattheirhomeshavebeenmuchhappiersincetheir
husbandsorwivesstartedthistraining.
People are frequently astonished at the new results they achieve. It all
seemslikemagic.Insomecases,intheirenthusiasm,theyhavetelephonedmeat
myhomeonSundaysbecausetheycouldn’twaitforty-eighthourstoreporton
theirachievementsattheregularsessionofthecourse.
Onemanwassostirredbyatalkontheseprinciplesthathesatfarintothe
nightdiscussingthemwithothermembersoftheclass.Atthreeo’clockinthe
morning,theotherswenthome.Buthewassoshakenbyarealisationofhisown
mistakes,soinspiredbythevistaofanewandricherworldopeningbeforehim,
thathewasunabletosleep.Hedidn’tsleepthatnightorthenextdayorthenext
night.
Who was he? A naïve, untrained individual ready to gush over any new
theorythatcamealong?No.Farfromit.Hewasasophisticated,blasédealerin
art,verymuchthemanabouttown,whospokethreelanguagesfluentlyandwas
agraduateoftwoEuropeanuniversities.
While writing this chapter, I received a letter from a German of the old
school,anaristocratwhoseforebearshadservedforgenerationsasprofessional
army officers under the Hohenzollerns. His letter, written from a transatlantic
steamer, telling about the application of these principles, rose almost to a
religiousfervor.
Anotherman,anoldNewYorker,aHarvardgraduate,awealthyman,the
ownerofalargecarpetfactory,declaredhehadlearnedmoreinfourteenweeks
throughthissystemoftrainingaboutthefineartofinfluencingpeoplethanhe
had learned about the same subject during his four years in college. Absurd?
Laughable? Fantastic? Of course, you are privileged to dismiss this statement
with whatever adjective youwish. I ammerely reporting, withoutcomment, a
declarationmadebyaconservativeandeminentlysuccessfulHarvardgraduate
inapublicaddresstoapproximatelysixhundredpeopleattheYaleClubinNew
YorkontheeveningofThursday,February23,1933.
‘Compared to what we ought to be,’ said the famous Professor William
JamesofHarvard,‘comparedtowhatweoughttobe,weareonlyhalfawake.
Wearemaking use of onlyasmallpart of our physical andmentalresources.
Statingthethingbroadly,thehumanindividualthuslivesfarwithinhislimits.
Hepossessespowersofvarioussortswhichhehabituallyfailstouse.’
Thosepowerswhichyou‘habituallyfailtouse’!Thesolepurposeofthis
bookistohelp youdiscover, develop andprofitbythosedormant andunused
assets.
‘Education,’ said Dr. John G. Hibben, former president of Princeton
University,‘istheabilitytomeetlife’ssituations.’
Ifbythetimeyouhavefinishedreadingthefirstthreechaptersofthisbook
–ifyouaren’tthenalittlebetterequippedtomeetlife’ssituations,thenIshall
considerthisbooktobeatotalfailuresofarasyouareconcerned.For‘thegreat
aimofeducation,’saidHerbertSpencer,‘isnotknowledgebutaction.’
Andthisisanactionbook.
DaleCarnegie1936
NINESUGGESTIONSONHOWTOGETTHEMOSTOUTOFTHIS
BOOK
1.Ifyouwishtogetthemostoutofthisbook,thereisoneindispensable
requirement, one essential infinitely more important than any rule or
technique.Unlessyouhavethisonefundamentalrequisite,athousandrules
on how to study will avail little. And if you do have this cardinal
endowment,thenyoucanachievewonderswithoutreadinganysuggestions
forgettingthemostoutofabook.
What is this magic requirement? Just this: a deep, driving desire to
learn,avigorousdeterminationtoincreaseyourabilitytodealwithpeople.
Howcanyoudevelopsuchanurge?Byconstantlyremindingyourself
how important these principles are to you. Picture to yourself how their
masterywillaidyouinleadingaricher,fuller,happierandmorefulfilling
life.Saytoyourselfoverandover:‘Mypopularity,myhappinessandsense
ofworthdependtonosmallextentuponmyskillindealingwithpeople.’
2.Readeachchapterrapidlyatfirsttogetabird’s-eyeviewofit.Youwill
probablybetemptedthentorushontothenextone.Butdon’t–unlessyou
are reading merely for entertainment. But ifyou arereading because you
wanttoincreaseyourskillinhumanrelations,thengobackandrereadeach
chapterthoroughly.Inthelongrun,thiswillmeansavingtimeandgetting
results.
3.Stopfrequentlyinyourreadingtothinkoverwhatyouarereading.Ask
yourselfjusthowandwhenyoucanapplyeachsuggestion.
4. Read with a crayon, pencil, pen, magic marker or highlighter in your
hand.Whenyoucomeacrossasuggestionthatyoufeelyoucanuse,drawa
linebesideit.Ifitisafour-starsuggestion,thenunderscoreeverysentence
or highlight it, or mark it with ‘****.’ Marking and underscoring a book
makesitmoreinteresting,andfareasiertoreviewrapidly.
5. I knew a woman who had been office manager for a large insurance
concernforfifteenyears.Everymonth,shereadalltheinsurancecontracts
her company had issued that month. Yes, she read many of the same
contracts over month after month, year after year. Why? Because
experiencehadtaughtherthatthatwastheonlywayshecouldkeeptheir
provisionsclearlyinmind.
Ioncespentalmosttwoyearswritingabookonpublicspeakingand
yetIfoundIhadtokeepgoingbackoveritfromtimetotimeinorderto
rememberwhatIhadwritteninmyownbook.Therapiditywithwhichwe
forgetisastonishing.
So, if you want to get a real, lasting benefit out of this book, don’t
imagine that skimming through it once will suffice. After reading it
thoroughly,yououghttospendafewhoursreviewingiteverymonth.Keep
it on your desk in front of you every day. Glance through it often. Keep
constantlyimpressingyourselfwiththerichpossibilitiesfor improvement
thatstilllieintheoffing.Rememberthattheuseoftheseprinciplescanbe
made habitual only by a constant and vigorous campaign of review and
application.Thereisnootherway.
6. Bernard Shaw once remarked: ‘If you teach a man anything, he will
never learn.’ Shaw was right. Learning is an active process. We learn by
doing. So, if you desire to master the principles you are studying in this
book,dosomethingaboutthem.Applytheserulesateveryopportunity.If
youdon’tyouwillforgetthemquickly.Onlyknowledgethatisusedsticks
inyourmind.
You will probably find it difficult to apply these suggestions all the
time. I know because I wrote the book, and yet frequently I found it
difficult to apply everything I advocated. For example, when you are
displeased, it is much easier to criticise and condemn than it is to try to
understandtheotherperson’sviewpoint.Itisfrequentlyeasiertofindfault
thantofindpraise.Itismorenaturaltotalkaboutwhatyouwantthanto
talk about what the other person wants. And so on. So, as you read this
book,rememberthatyouarenotmerelytryingtoacquireinformation.You
areattemptingtoformnewhabits.Ahyes,youareattemptinganewwayof
life.Thatwillrequiretimeandpersistenceanddailyapplication.
Sorefertothesepagesoften.Regardthisasaworkinghandbook on
human relations; and whenever you are confronted with some specific
problem – suchas handling achild, winning yourspouse to yourway of
thinking, or satisfying an irritated customer – hesitate about doing the
natural thing, the impulsive thing. This is usually wrong. Instead, turn to
these pages and review the paragraphs you have underscored. Then try
thesenewwaysandwatchthemachievemagicforyou.
7. Offer your spouse, your child or some business associate a dime or a
dollareverytimeheorshecatchesyouviolatingacertainprinciple.Makea
livelygameoutofmasteringtheserules.
8.ThepresidentofanimportantWallStreetbankoncedescribed,inatalk
before one of my classes, a highly efficient system he used for self-
improvement.Thismanhadlittleformalschooling;yethehadbecomeone
ofthemostimportantfinanciersinAmerica,andheconfessedthatheowed
most of his success to the constant application of his homemade system.
This is what he does. I’ll put it in his own words as accurately as I can
remember.
‘For years I have kept an engagement book showing all the
appointmentsIhadduringtheday.Myfamilynevermadeanyplansforme
on Saturday night, for the family knew that I devoted a part of each
Saturday evening to the illuminating process of self-examination and
review and appraisal. After dinner I went off by myself, opened my
engagement book, and thought over all the interviews, discussions and
meetingsthathadtakenplaceduringtheweek.Iaskedmyself:
‘“WhatmistakesdidImakethattime?”
‘“What did I do that was right – and in what way could I have
improvedmyperformance?”
‘“WhatlessonscanIlearnfromthatexperience?”
‘Ioftenfoundthatthisweeklyreviewmademeveryunhappy.Iwas
frequentlyastonishedatmyownblunders.Ofcourse,astheyearspassed,
these blunders became less frequent. Sometimes I was inclined to pat
myselfonthebackalittleafteroneofthesesessions.Thissystemofself-
analysis,self-education,continuedyearafteryear,didmoreformethanany
otheronethingIhaveeverattempted.
‘Ithelpedmeimprovemyabilitytomakedecisions–anditaidedme
enormously in all my contacts with people. I cannot recommend it too
highly.’
Whynotuseasimilarsystemtocheckuponyourapplicationofthe
principlesdiscussedinthisbook?Ifyoudo,twothingswillresult.
First,youwillfindyourselfengagedinaneducationalprocessthatis
bothintriguingandpriceless.
Second, you will findthat your ability tomeetand deal withpeople
willgrowenormously.
9.Youwillfindattheendofthisbookseveralblankpagesonwhichyou
should record your triumphs in the application of these principles. Be
specific.Givenames,dates,results.Keepingsucharecordwillinspireyou
to greater efforts; and how fascinating these entries will be when you
chanceuponthemsomeeveningyearsfromnow!
Inordertogetthemostoutofthisbook:
a. Develop a deep, driving desire to master the principles of human
relations.
b.Readeachchaptertwicebeforegoingontothenextone.
c. As you read, stop frequently to ask yourself how you can apply each
suggestion.
d.Underscoreeachimportantidea.
e.Reviewthisbookeachmonth.
f.Applytheseprinciplesateveryopportunity.Usethisvolumeasaworking
handbooktohelpyousolveyourdailyproblems.
g.Makealivelygameoutofyourlearningbyofferingsomefriendadime
or a dollar every time he or she catches you violating one of these
principles.
h.Checkupeachweekontheprogressyouaremaking.Askyourselfwhat
mistakesyouhavemade,whatimprovement,whatlessonsyouhavelearned
forthefuture.
i. Keep notes in the back of this book showing how and when you have
appliedtheseprinciples.
ONMAY7,1931,themostsensationalmanhuntNewYorkCityhadeverknown
hadcometoitsclimax.Afterweeksofsearch,‘TwoGun’Crowley–thekiller,
thegunmanwhodidn’tsmokeordrink–wasatbay,trappedinhissweetheart’s
apartmentonWestEndAvenue.
Onehundredandfiftypolicemenanddetectiveslaidsiegetohistop-floor
hideaway.Theychoppedholesintheroof;theytriedtosmokeoutCrowley,the
‘copkiller,’withteargas.Thentheymountedtheirmachinegunsonsurrounding
buildings,and for more thanan hour one ofNewYork’s fine residential areas
reverberated with the crack of pistol fire and the rat-tat-tat of machine guns.
Crowley,crouchingbehindanoverstuffedchair,firedincessantlyatthepolice.
Ten thousand excitedpeoplewatched the battle.Nothinglike it had everbeen
seenbeforeonthesidewalksofNewYork.
When Crowley was captured, Police Commissioner E.P. Mulrooney
declared that the two-gun desperado was one of the most dangerouscriminals
ever encountered in the history of New York. ‘He will kill,’ said the
Commissioner,‘atthedropofafeather.’
Buthowdid‘TwoGun’Crowleyregardhimself?Weknow,becausewhile
thepolicewerefiringintohisapartment,hewrotealetteraddressed‘Towhomit
may concern.’ And, as he wrote, the blood flowing from his wounds left a
crimsontrailonthepaper.InthisletterCrowleysaid:‘Undermycoatisaweary
heart,butakindone–onethatwoulddonobodyanyharm.’
Ashorttimebeforethis,Crowleyhadbeenhavinganeckingpartywithhis
girlfriendonacountryroadoutonLongIsland.Suddenlyapolicemanwalked
uptothecarandsaid:‘Letmeseeyourlicense.’
Withoutsayingaword,Crowleydrewhisgunandcutthepolicemandown
withashoweroflead.Asthedyingofficerfell,Crowleyleapedoutofthecar,
grabbed the officer’s revolver, and firedanother bullet intothe prostrate body.
Andthatwasthekillerwhosaid:‘Undermycoatisawearyheart,butakindone
–onethatwoulddonobodyanyharm.’
Crowleywassentencedtotheelectricchair.Whenhearrivedatthedeath
houseinSingSing,didhesay, ‘ThisiswhatIgetforkillingpeople’?No,he
said:‘ThisiswhatIgetfordefendingmyself.’
Thepointofthestoryisthis:‘TwoGun’Crowleydidn’tblamehimselffor
anything.
Isthatanunusualattitudeamongcriminals?Ifyouthinkso,listentothis:
‘Ihavespentthebestyearsofmylifegivingpeoplethelighterpleasures,
helpingthemhaveagoodtime,andallIgetisabuse,theexistenceofahunted
man.’
That’sAlCaponespeaking.Yes,America’smostnotoriousPublicEnemy–
themostsinistergangleaderwhoevershotupChicago.Caponedidn’tcondemn
himself.Heactuallyregardedhimselfasapublicbenefactor–anunappreciated
andmisunderstoodpublicbenefactor.
AndsodidDutchSchultzbeforehecrumpledupundergangsterbulletsin
Newark. Dutch Schultz, one of New York’s most notorious rats, said in a
newspaperinterviewthathewasapublicbenefactor.Andhebelievedit.
I have had some interesting correspondence with Lewis Lawes, who was
warden of New York’s infamous Sing Sing prison for many years, on this
subject, and he declared that ‘few of the criminals in Sing Sing regard
themselvesasbadmen.TheyarejustashumanasyouandI.Sotheyrationalise,
theyexplain.Theycantellyouwhytheyhadtocrackasafeorbequickonthe
triggerfinger.Mostofthemattemptbyaformofreasoning,fallaciousorlogical,
to justify their antisocial acts even to themselves, consequently stoutly
maintainingthattheyshouldneverhavebeenimprisonedatall.’
IfAlCapone,‘TwoGun’Crowley,DutchSchultz,andthe desperate men
and women behind prison walls don’t blame themselves for anything – what
aboutthepeoplewithwhomyouandIcomeincontact?
JohnWanamaker,founderoftheAmericanstoresthatbearhisname,once
confessed:‘I learned thirty years agothatitis foolish to scold. Ihaveenough
troubleovercomingmyownlimitationswithoutfrettingover thefactthatGod
hasnotseenfittodistributeevenlythegiftofintelligence.’
Wanamaker learned this lesson early, but I personally had to blunder
throughthisoldworldforathirdofacenturybeforeitevenbegantodawnupon
methatninety-ninetimesoutofahundred,peopledon’tcriticisethemselvesfor
anythingnomatterhowwrongitmaybe.
Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually
makeshimstrivetojustifyhimself.Criticismisdangerous,becauseitwoundsa
person’spreciouspride,hurtshissenseofimportance,andarousesresentment.
B.F. Skinner, the world-famous psychologist, proved through his
experimentsthatananimalrewardedforgoodbehaviourwilllearnmuchmore
rapidlyandretainwhatitlearnsfarmoreeffectivelythanananimalpunishedfor
bad behaviour. Later studies have shown that the same applies to humans. By
criticising,wedonotmakelastingchangesandoftenincurresentment.
Hans Selye, another great psychologist, said, ‘As much as we thirst for
approval,wedreadcondemnation.’
Theresentmentthatcriticismengenderscandemoraliseemployees,family
membersandfriends,andstillnotcorrectthesituationthathasbeencondemned.
George B. Johnston of Enid, Oklahoma, is the safety coordinator for an
engineeringcompany.Oneofhisresponsibilitiesistoseethatemployeeswear
their hard hats whenever they are on the job in the field. He reported that
wheneverhecameacrossworkerswhowerenotwearinghardhats,hewouldtell
themwithalotof authorityoftheregulationandthattheymustcomply.Asa
resulthewouldgetsullenacceptance,andoftenafterheleft,theworkerswould
removethehats.
Hedecidedtotryadifferentapproach.Thenexttimehefoundsomeofthe
workersnotwearingtheirhardhat,heaskedifthehatswereuncomfortableor
didnotfitproperly.Thenheremindedthemeninapleasanttoneofvoicethat
thehatwasdesignedtoprotectthemfrominjuryandsuggestedthatitalwaysbe
wornonthejob.Theresultwasincreasedcompliancewiththeregulationwith
noresentmentoremotionalupset.
You will find examplesof the futility ofcriticismbristling on a thousand
pages of history. Take, for example, the famous quarrel between Theodore
Roosevelt and President Taft – a quarrel that split the Republican party, put
WoodrowWilsonintheWhiteHouse,andwrotebold,luminouslinesacrossthe
FirstWorldWarandalteredtheflowofhistory.Let’sreviewthefactsquickly.
When Theodore Roosevelt stepped out of the White House in 1908, he
supportedTaft,whowaselectedPresident.ThenTheodoreRooseveltwentoffto
Africatoshootlions.Whenhereturned,heexploded.HedenouncedTaftforhis
conservatism,triedtosecurethenominationforathirdtermhimself,formedthe
Bull Moose party, and all but demolished the G.O.P. In the election that
followed,WilliamHowardTaftandtheRepublicanpartycarriedonlytwostates
–VermontandUtah.Themostdisastrousdefeatthepartyhadeverknown.
TheodoreRooseveltblamedTaft,butdidPresidentTaftblamehimself?Of
coursenot.Withtearsinhiseyes,Taftsaid:‘Idon’tseehowIcouldhavedone
anydifferentlyfromwhatIhave.’
Whowastoblame?RooseveltorTaft?Frankly,Idon’tknow,andIdon’t
care.ThepointIamtryingtomakeisthatallofTheodoreRoosevelt’scriticism
didn’t persuade Taft that he was wrong. It merely made Taft strive to justify
himselfandtoreiteratewithtearsinhiseyes:‘Idon’tseehowIcouldhavedone
anydifferentlyfromwhatIhave.’
Or,taketheTeapotDomeoilscandal.Itkeptthenewspapersringingwith
indignationintheearly1920s.Itrockedthenation!Withinthememoryofliving
men,nothinglikeithadeverhappenedbeforeinAmericanpubliclife.Hereare
thebarefactsofthescandal:AlbertB.Fall,secretaryoftheinteriorinHarding’s
cabinet,wasentrustedwiththeleasingofgovernmentoilreservesatElkHilland
TeapotDome–oilreservesthathadbeensetasideforthefutureuseoftheNavy.
DidSecretaryFallpermitcompetitivebidding?Nosir.Hehandedthefat,juicy
contractoutrighttohisfriendEdwardL.Doheny.AndwhatdidDohenydo?He
gaveSecretaryFallwhathewaspleasedtocalla‘loan’ofonehundredthousand
dollars. Then, in a high-handed manner, Secretary Fall ordered United States
Marines into the district to drive off competitors whose adjacent wells were
sapping oil out of the Elk Hill reserves. These competitors, driven off their
groundattheendsofgunsandbayonets,rushedintocourt–andblewthelidoff
the Teapot Dome scandal. A stench arose so vile that it ruined the Harding
Administration,nauseatedanentirenation,threatenedtowrecktheRepublican
party,andputAlbertB.Fallbehindprisonbars.
Fallwascondemnedviciously–condemnedasfewmeninpubliclifehave
ever been. Did he repent? Never! Years later Herbert Hoover intimated in a
publicspeechthatPresidentHarding’sdeathhadbeenduetomentalanxietyand
worrybecauseafriendhadbetrayedhim.WhenMrs.Fallheardthat,shesprang
from her chair, she wept, she shook her fists at fate and screamed: ‘What!
HardingbetrayedbyFall?No!Myhusbandneverbetrayedanyone.Thiswhole
housefullofgoldwouldnottemptmyhusbandtodowrong.Heistheonewho
hasbeenbetrayedandledtotheslaughterandcrucified.’
Thereyouare;humannatureinaction,wrongdoers,blamingeverybodybut
themselves. We are all like that. So when you and I are tempted to criticise
someonetomorrow,let’srememberAlCapone,‘TwoGun’CrowleyandAlbert
Fall. Let’s realise that criticisms are like homing pigeons. They always return
home. Let’s realise that the person we are going to correct and condemn will
probablyjustifyhimselforherself,andcondemnusinreturn;or,likethegentle
Taft,willsay:‘Idon’tsee how I could have done any differentlyfromwhatI
have.’
On the morning of April 15, 1865, Abraham Lincoln lay dying in a hall
bedroomofacheaplodginghousedirectlyacrossthestreetfromFord’sTheatre,
where John Wilkes Booth had shot him. Lincoln’s long body lay stretched
diagonallyacrossasaggingbedthatwastooshortforhim.Acheapreproduction
ofRosaBonheur’sfamouspaintingTheHorseFairhungabovethebed,anda
dismalgasjetflickeredyellowlight.
AsLincolnlaydying,SecretaryofWarStantonsaid,‘Thereliesthemost
perfectrulerofmenthattheworldhaseverseen.’
WhatwasthesecretofLincoln’ssuccessindealingwithpeople?Istudied
the life of Abraham Lincoln for ten years and devoted all of three years to
writing and rewriting a book entitled Lincoln the Unknown. I believe I have
madeasdetailedandexhaustivestudyofLincoln’spersonalityandhomelifeas
itispossibleforanybeingtomake.ImadeaspecialstudyofLincoln’smethod
ofdealingwithpeople.Didheindulgeincriticism?Oh,yes.Asayoungmanin
the Pigeon CreekValleyof Indiana, he not only criticised buthe wrote letters
and poems ridiculing people and dropped these letters on the country roads
wheretheyweresuretobefound.Oneoftheselettersarousedresentmentsthat
burnedforalifetime.
EvenafterLincolnhadbecomeapractisinglawyerinSpringfield,Illinois,
heattackedhisopponentsopenlyinletterspublishedinthenewspapers.Buthe
didthisjustoncetoooften.
In the autumn of 1842 he ridiculed a vain, pugnacious politician by the
name of James Shields. Lincoln lampooned him through an anonymous letter
published in the Springfield Journal. The town roared with laughter. Shields,
sensitiveandproud,boiledwithindignation.Hefoundoutwhowrotetheletter,
leaped on his horse, started after Lincoln, and challenged him to fight a duel.
Lincolndidn’twanttofight.Hewasopposedtoduelling,buthecouldn’tgetout
of it and save his honour. He was given the choice of weapons. Since he had
very long arms, he chose cavalry broadswords and took lessons in sword
fightingfromaWestPointgraduate;and,ontheappointedday,heandShields
metonasandbarintheMississippiRiver,preparedtofighttothedeath;but,at
thelastminute,theirsecondsinterruptedandstoppedtheduel.
ThatwasthemostluridpersonalincidentinLincoln’slife.Ittaughthiman
invaluablelessonintheartofdealingwithpeople.Neveragaindidhewritean
insultingletter. Neveragaindid heridiculeanyone. Andfromthat timeon,he
almostnevercriticisedanybodyforanything.
Timeaftertime,duringtheCivilWar,Lincolnputanewgeneralatthehead
oftheArmyofthePotomac,andeachoneinturn–McClellan,Pope,Burnside,
Hooker,Meade–blunderedtragicallyanddroveLincolntopacingthefloorin
despair. Half the nation savagely condemned these incompetent generals, but
Lincoln,‘withmalicetowardnone,withcharityforall,’heldhispeace.Oneof
hisfavouritequotationswas‘Judgenot,thatyebenotjudged.’
And when Mrs Lincoln and others spoke harshly of the southern people,
Lincoln replied: ‘Don’t criticise them; they are just what we would be under
similarcircumstances.’
Yetifanymaneverhadoccasiontocriticise,surelyitwasLincoln.Let’s
takejustoneillustration:
The Battle of Gettysburg was fought during the first three days of July
1863. During the night of July 4, Lee began to retreat southward while storm
cloudsdelugedthecountrywithrain.WhenLeereachedthePotomacwithhis
defeated army, he found a swollen, impassable river in front of him, and a
victorious Union Army behind him. Lee was in a trap. He couldn’t escape.
Lincolnsawthat.Herewasagolden,heavensentopportunity–theopportunity
tocaptureLee’s army and endthewarimmediately.So,withasurge of hope,
Lincoln ordered Meade not to call a council of war but to attack Lee
immediately.Lincolntelegraphedhisordersandthensentaspecialmessengerto
Meadedemandingimmediateaction.
AndwhatdidGeneralMeadedo?Hedidtheveryoppositeofwhathewas
toldtodo.HecalledacouncilofwarindirectviolationofLincoln’sorders.He
hesitated.Heprocrastinated.Hetelegraphedallmannerofexcuses.Herefused
point-blanktoattackLee.FinallythewatersrecededandLeeescapedoverthe
Potomacwithhisforces.
Lincoln was furious. ‘What does this mean?’ Lincoln cried to his son
Robert.‘GreatGod!Whatdoesthismean?Wehadthemwithinourgrasp,and
hadonlytostretchforthourhandsandtheywereours;yetnothingthatIcould
say or do could make the army move. Under the circumstances, almost any
generalcouldhavedefeatedLee.IfIhadgoneupthere,Icouldhavewhipped
himmyself.’
Inbitterdisappointment,LincolnsatdownandwroteMeadethisletter.And
remember, at this period of his life Lincoln was extremely conservative and
restrained in his phraseology. So this letter coming from Lincoln in 1863 was
tantamounttotheseverestrebuke.
MydearGeneral,
I do not believe you appreciate the magnitude of the
misfortuneinvolvedinLee’sescape.Hewaswithinoureasygrasp,
andtohavecloseduponhimwould,inconnectionwithourother
late successes, have ended the war. As it is, the war will be
prolonged indefinitely. If you could not safely attack Lee last
Monday,howcanyoupossiblydososouthoftheriver,whenyou
cantakewithyouveryfew–nomorethantwo-thirdsoftheforce
youthenhadinhand?ItwouldbeunreasonabletoexpectandIdo
notexpectthatyoucannoweffectmuch.Yourgoldenopportunity
isgone,andIamdistressedimmeasurablybecauseofit.
WhatdoyousupposeMeadedidwhenhereadtheletter?
Meadeneversawthatletter.Lincolnnevermailedit.Itwasfoundamong
hispapersafterhisdeath.
Myguessis–andthisisonlyaguess–thatafterwritingthatletter,Lincoln
lookedoutofthewindowandsaidtohimself,‘Justaminute.MaybeIoughtnot
to be so hasty. It is easy enough for me to sit here in the quiet of the White
HouseandorderMeadetoattack;butifIhadbeenupatGettysburg,andifIhad
seenasmuchbloodasMeadehasseenduringthelastweek,andifmyearshad
beenpiercedwiththescreamsandshrieksofthewoundedanddying,maybeI
wouldn’t be so anxious to attack either. If I had Meade’s timid temperament,
perhapsIwouldhavedonejustwhathehaddone.Anyhow,itiswaterunderthe
bridge now. If I send this letter, it will relieve my feelings, but it will make
Meadetrytojustifyhimself.Itwillmakehimcondemnme.Itwillarousehard
feelings,impairallhisfurtherusefulnessasacommander,andperhapsforcehim
toresignfromthearmy.’
So,asIhavealreadysaid,Lincolnputtheletteraside,forhehadlearnedby
bitter experience that sharp criticisms and rebukes almost invariably end in
futility.
TheodoreRooseveltsaidthatwhenhe,asPresident,wasconfrontedwitha
perplexing problem, he used to lean back and look up at a large painting of
LincolnwhichhungabovehisdeskintheWhiteHouseandaskhimself,‘What
wouldLincolndoifhewereinmyshoes?Howwouldhesolvethisproblem?’
MarkTwainlost his temperoccasionallyandwrotelettersthatturnedthe
paper brown. For example, he once wrote to a man who had aroused his ire:
‘Thethingforyouisaburialpermit.YouhaveonlytospeakandIwillseethat
you get it.’ On another occasion he wrote to an editor about a proofreader’s
attemptsto‘improvemyspellingandpunctuation.’Heordered:‘Setthematter
according to my copy hereafter and see that the proofreader retains his
suggestionsinthemushofhisdecayedbrain.’
The writing of these stinging letters made Mark Twain feel better. They
allowedhimtoblowoffsteam,andthelettersdidn’tdoanyrealharm,because
Mark’swifesecretlyliftedthemoutofthemail.Theywereneversent.
Doyouknowsomeoneyouwouldliketochangeandregulateandimprove?
Good!Thatisfine.Iamallinfavourofit.Butwhynotbeginonyourself?From
apurelyselfish standpoint,thatisalot moreprofitablethantryingto improve
others–yes,andalotlessdangerous.‘Don’tcomplainaboutthesnowonyour
neighbour’sroof,’saidConfucious,‘whenyourowndoorstepisunclean.’
WhenIwasstillyoungandtryingtoimpresspeople,Iwroteafoolishletter
to Richard Harding Davis, an author who once loomed large on the literary
horizon of America. I was preparing a magazine article about authors, and I
asked Davis to tell me about his method of work. A few weeks earlier, I had
receivedaletterfromsomeonewiththisnotationatthebottom:‘Dictatedbutnot
read.’Iwasquiteimpressed.Ifeltthatthewritermustbeverybigandbusyand
important.Iwasn’ttheslightestbitbusy,butIwaseagertomakeanimpression
onRichardHardingDavis,soIendedmyshortnotewiththewords:‘Dictated
butnotread.’
Henevertroubledtoanswertheletter.Hesimplyreturnedittomewiththis
scribbledacrossthebottom:‘Yourbadmannersareexceededonlybyyourbad
manners.’True,Ihadblundered,andperhapsIdeservedthisrebuke.But,being
human, I resented it. I resented it so sharply that when I read of the death of
RichardHardingDavistenyearslater,theonethoughtthatstillpersistedinmy
mind–Iamashamedtoadmit–wasthehurthehadgivenme.
IfyouandIwanttostiruparesentmenttomorrowthatmayrankleacross
thedecadesandendureuntildeath,justletusindulgeinalittlestingingcriticism
–nomatterhowcertainwearethatitisjustified.
When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with
creaturesoflogic.Wearedealingwithcreaturesofemotion,creaturesbristling
withprejudicesandmotivatedbyprideandvanity.
Bitter criticism caused the sensitive Thomas Hardy, one of the finest
novelists ever to enrich English literature, to give up forever the writing of
fiction.CriticismdroveThomasChatterton,theEnglishpoet,tosuicide.
BenjaminFranklin,tactlessinhisyouth,becamesodiplomatic,soadroitat
handlingpeople,thathewasmadeAmericanAmbassadortoFrance.Thesecret
ofhissuccess?‘Iwillspeakillofnoman,’hesaid,‘...andspeakallthegoodI
knowofeverybody.’
Anyfoolcancriticise,condemnandcomplain–andmostfoolsdo.
Butittakescharacterandself-controltobeunderstandingandforgiving.
‘Agreatmanshowshisgreatness,’saidCarlyle,‘bythewayhetreatslittle
men.’
BobHoover,afamoustestpilotandfrequentperformeratairshows,was
returning to his home in Los Angeles from an air show in San Diego. As
described in the magazine Flight Operations, at three hundred feet in the air,
both engines suddenly stopped. By deft manoeuvring he managed to land the
plane,butitwasbadlydamagedalthoughnobodywashurt.
Hoover’s first act after the emergency landing was to inspect the
aeroplane’sfuel.Justashesuspected,theWorldWarIIpropellerplanehehad
beenflyinghadbeenfuelledwithjetfuelratherthangasoline.
Upon returning to the airport, he asked to see the mechanic who had
servicedhisaeroplane.Theyoungmanwassickwiththeagonyofhismistake.
TearsstreameddownhisfaceasHooverapproached.Hehadjustcausedtheloss
ofaveryexpensiveplaneandcouldhavecausedthelossofthreelivesaswell.
Youcanimagine Hoover’sanger.Onecouldanticipatethetongue-lashing
thatthisproudandprecisepilotwouldunleashforthatcarelessness.ButHoover
didn’t scold the mechanic; he didn’teven criticise him. Instead,heputhisbig
armaroundtheman’sshoulderandsaid,‘ToshowyouI’msurethatyou’llnever
dothisagain,IwantyoutoservicemyF-51tomorrow.’
Oftenparentsaretemptedtocriticisetheirchildren.Youwouldexpectme
to say ‘don’t.’ But I will not. I am merely going to say, ‘Before you criticise
them, read one of the classics of American journalism, “Father Forgets.”’ It
originally appeared as an editorial in the People’s Home Journal. We are
reprinting it here with the author’s permission, as condensed in the Reader’s
Digest:
‘FatherForgets’isoneofthoselittlepieceswhich–dashedoffinamoment
ofsincerefeeling–strikesanechoingchordinsomanyreadersastobecomea
perennialreprintfavourite.Sinceitsfirstappearance,‘FatherForgets’hasbeen
reproduced,writestheauthor,W.LivingstoneLarned,‘inhundredsofmagazines
and house organs, and in newspapers the country over. It has been reprinted
almost as extensively in many foreign languages. I have given personal
permissiontothousandswhowishedtoreaditfromschool,church,andlecture
platforms. It has been “on the air” on countless occasions and programmes.
Oddly enough, college periodicals have used it, and high-school magazines.
Sometimesalittlepieceseemsmysteriouslyto“click.”Thisonecertainlydid.’
FATHERFORGETS
W.LivingstonLarned
Listen, son: I am saying this as you lie asleep, one little paw
crumpled under your cheek and the blond curls stickily wet on
your damp forehead. I have stolen into your room alone. Just a
fewminutesago,asIsatreadingmypaperinthelibrary,astifling
waveofremorsesweptoverme.GuiltilyIcametoyourbedside.
TherearethethingsIwasthinking,son:Ihadbeencrossto
you. I scolded you as you were dressing for school because you
gaveyourfacemerelyadabwithatowel.Itookyoutotaskfornot
cleaningyourshoes.Icalledoutangrilywhenyouthrewsomeof
yourthingsonthefloor.
AtbreakfastIfoundfault,too.Youspilledthings.Yougulped
down your food. You put your elbows on the table. You spread
buttertoothickonyourbread.Andasyoustartedofftoplayand
I made for my train, you turned and waved a hand and called,
‘Goodbye, Daddy!’ and I frowned, and said in reply, ‘Hold your
shouldersback!’
Thenitbeganalloveragaininthelateafternoon.AsIcame
up the road I spied you, down on your knees, playing marbles.
There wereholesinyourstockings.Ihumiliatedyoubeforeyour
boyfriendsbymarching youaheadofmetothehouse. Stockings
wereexpensive–andifyouhadtobuythemyouwouldbemore
careful!Imaginethat,son,fromafather!
Do you remember, later, when I was reading in the library,
how you came in timidly, with a sort of hurt look in your eyes?
WhenIglancedupovermypaper,impatientattheinterruption,
youhesitatedatthedoor.‘Whatisityouwant?’Isnapped.
Yousaidnothing,butranacrossinonetempestuousplunge,
and threw your arms around my neck and kissed me, and your
smallarmstightenedwithanaffectionthatGodhadsetblooming
inyourheartandwhichevenneglectcouldnotwither.Andthen
youweregone,patteringupthestairs.
Well, son, it was shortly afterwards that my paper slipped
frommyhandsandaterriblesickeningfearcameoverme.What
has habit been doing to me? The habit of finding fault, of
reprimanding–thiswasmyrewardtoyouforbeingaboy.Itwas
not that I did not love you; it was that I expected too much of
youth.Iwasmeasuringyoubytheyardstickofmyownyears.
And there was so much that was good and fine and true in
yourcharacter.Thelittleheartofyouwasasbigasthedawnitself
overthewidehills.Thiswasshownbyyourspontaneousimpulse
to rush in and kiss me good night. Nothing else matters tonight,
son.Ihavecometoyourbedsideinthedarkness,andIhaveknelt
there,ashamed!
It is a feeble atonement; I know you would not understand
thesethingsifItoldthemtoyouduringyourwakinghours.But
tomorrowIwillbearealdaddy!Iwillchumwithyou,andsuffer
whenyousuffer,andlaughwhenyoulaugh.Iwillbitemytongue
when impatient words come. I will keep saying as if it were a
ritual:‘Heisnothingbutaboy–alittleboy!’
IamafraidIhavevisualizedyouasaman.YetasIsee you
now,son,crumpledandwearyinyourcot,Iseethatyouarestilla
baby.Yesterdayyouwereinyourmother’sarms,yourheadonher
shoulder.Ihaveaskedtoomuch,toomuch.
Instead of condemning people,let’s tryto understand them.Let’s tryto figure
outwhytheydowhattheydo.That’salotmoreprofitableandintriguingthan
criticism; and it breeds sympathy, tolerance and kindness. ‘To know all is to
forgiveall.’
AsDr.Johnsonsaid:‘Godhimself,sir,doesnotproposetojudgemanuntil
theendofhisdays.’
WhyshouldyouandI?
PRINCIPLE1
Don’tcriticise,condemnorcomplain.
THEREISONLYonewayunderhighheaventogetanybodytodoanything.Did
youeverstoptothinkofthat?Yes,justoneway.Andthatisbymakingtheother
personwanttodoit.
Remember,thereisnootherway.
Ofcourse,youcanmakesomeonewanttogiveyouhiswatchbystickinga
revolverinhisribs.Youcanmakeyouremployeesgiveyoucooperation–until
yourbackisturned–bythreateningtofirethem.Youcanmakeachilddowhat
youwantittodobyawhiporathreat.Butthesecrudemethodshavesharply
undesirablerepercussions.
TheonlywayIcangetyoutodoanythingisbygivingyouwhatyouwant.
Whatdoyouwant?
SigmundFreudsaidthateverythingyouandIdospringsfromtwomotives:
thesexurgeandthedesiretobegreat.
JohnDewey,oneofAmerica’smostprofoundphilosophers,phraseditabit
differently.Dr.Deweysaidthatthedeepesturgeinhumannatureis‘thedesireto
be important.’ Remember that phrase: ‘the desire to be important.’ It is
significant.Youaregoingtohearalotaboutitinthisbook.
Whatdoyouwant?Notmanythings,butthefewthingsthatyoudowish,
you crave with an insistencethat will notbe denied. Some of thethings most
peoplewantinclude:
1Healthandthepreservationoflife.
2Food.
3Sleep.
4Moneyandthethingsmoneywillbuy.
5Lifeinthehereafter.
6Sexualgratification.
7Thewell-beingofourchildren.
8Afeelingofimportance.
Almost all these wants are usually gratified – all except one. But there is one
longing–almostasdeep,almostasimperious,asthedesireforfoodorsleep–
whichisseldomgratified.ItiswhatFreudcalls‘thedesiretobegreat.’Itiswhat
Deweycallsthe‘desiretobeimportant.’
Lincoln once began a letter saying: ‘Everybody likes a compliment.’
WilliamJamessaid:‘Thedeepestprincipleinhumannatureisthecravingtobe
appreciated.’ He didn’t speak, mind you, of the ‘wish’ or the ‘desire’ or the
‘longing’tobeappreciated.Hesaidthe‘craving’tobeappreciated.
Here is a gnawing and unfaltering human hunger, andthe rareindividual
whohonestlysatisfiesthishearthungerwillholdpeopleinthepalmofhisorher
handand‘eventheundertakerwillbesorrywhenhedies.’
The desire for a feeling of importance is one of the chief distinguishing
differencesbetweenmankindandtheanimals.Toillustrate:WhenIwasafarm
boyoutinMissouri,myfatherbredfineDuroc-Jerseyhogsandpedigreedwhite-
facedcattle.We usedtoexhibitour hogs andwhite-facedcattleat thecountry
fairsand livestock shows throughout the MiddleWest. We won firstprizesby
the score. My father pinned his blue ribbons on a sheet of white muslin, and
whenfriendsorvisitorscametothehouse,hewouldgetoutthelongsheetof
muslin.HewouldholdoneendandIwouldholdtheotherwhileheexhibitedthe
blueribbons.
Thehogsdidn’tcareabouttheribbonstheyhadwon.ButFatherdid.These
prizesgavehimafeelingofimportance.
If our ancestors hadn’thad this flamingurgefor a feelingof importance,
civilisation would have beenimpossible. Without it, we should have been just
aboutlikeanimals.
It was this desire for a feeling of importance that led an uneducated,
poverty-strickengroceryclerktostudysomelawbookshefoundinthebottom
of a barrel of household plunder that he had bought for fifty cents. You have
probablyheardofthisgroceryclerk.HisnamewasLincoln.
ItwasthisdesireforafeelingofimportancethatinspiredDickenstowrite
his immortal novels. This desire inspired Sir Christopher Wren to design his
symphoniesinstone.ThisdesiremadeRockefelleramassmillionsthathenever
spent!Andthissamedesiremadetherichestfamilyinyourtownbuildahouse
fartoolargeforitsrequirements.
Thisdesiremakesyouwanttowearthelateststyles,drivethelatestcars,
andtalkaboutyourbrilliantchildren.
It is this desire that lures many boys and girls into joining gangs and
engaging in criminal activities. The average young criminal, according to E.P.
Mulrooney, onetimepolicecommissionerof New York, isfilledwithego,and
his first request after arrest is for those lurid newspapers that make him out a
hero.Thedisagreeableprospectofservingtimeseemsremotesolongashecan
gloatoverhislikenesssharingspacewithpicturesofsportsfigures,movieand
TVstarsandpoliticians.
Ifyoutellmehowyougetyourfeelingofimportance,I’lltellyouwhatyou
are.Thatdeterminesyourcharacter.Thatisthemostsignificantthingaboutyou.
Forexample,JohnD.Rockefellergothisfeelingofimportancebygivingmoney
toerectamodernhospitalinPeking,China,tocareformillionsofpoorpeople
whomhehadneverseenandneverwouldsee.Dillinger,ontheotherhand,got
hisfeelingofimportancebybeingabandit,abankrobberandkiller.Whenthe
FBIagentswerehuntinghim,hedashedintoafarmhouseupinMinnesotaand
said, ‘I’m Dillinger!’ He was proud of the fact that he was Public Enemy
NumberOne.‘I’mnotgoingtohurtyou,butI’mDillinger!’hesaid.
Yes, the one significant difference between Dillinger and Rockefeller is
howtheygottheirfeelingofimportance.
Historysparkleswithamusingexamplesoffamouspeoplestrugglingfora
feeling of importance. Even George Washington wanted to be called ‘His
Mightiness,thePresidentoftheUnitedStates’;andColumbuspleadedforthe
title‘AdmiraloftheOceanandViceroyofIndia.’CatherinetheGreatrefusedto
open letters that were not addressed to ‘Her Imperial Majesty’; and Mrs.
Lincoln,intheWhiteHouse,turneduponMrs.Grantlikeatigressandshouted,
‘HowdareyoubeseatedinmypresenceuntilIinviteyou!’
OurmillionaireshelpedfinanceAdmiralByrd’sexpeditiontotheAntarctic
in 1928 with the understanding that ranges of icy mountains would be named
afterthem;andVictorHugoaspiredtohavenothinglessthanthecityofParis
renamedinhishonour.EvenShakespeare,mightiestofthemighty,triedtoadd
lustretohisnamebyprocuringacoatofarmsforhisfamily.
Peoplesometimesbecameinvalidsinordertowinsympathyandattention,
and get a feeling of importance. For example, take Mrs. McKinley. She got a
feelingofimportancebyforcingherhusband,thePresidentoftheUnitedStates,
toneglectimportantaffairsofstatewhilehereclinedonthebedbesideherfor
hoursata time,hisarmabout her,soothingherto sleep.Shefedhergnawing
desireforattentionbyinsistingthatheremainwithherwhileshewashavingher
teethfixed,andoncecreatedastormyscenewhenhehadtoleaveheralonewith
thedentistwhilehekeptanappointmentwithJohnHay,hissecretaryofstate.
ThewriterMaryRobertsRinehartoncetoldmeofabright,vigorousyoung
woman who became an invalid in order to get a feeling of importance. ‘One
day,’saidMrs.Rinehart,‘thiswomanhadbeenobligedtofacesomething,her
ageperhaps.Thelonelyyearswerestretchingaheadandtherewaslittleleftfor
hertoanticipate.
‘Shetooktoherbed;andfortenyearsheroldmothertravelledtothethird
floorandback,carryingtrays,nursingher.Thenonedaytheoldmother,weary
withservice,laydownanddied.Forsomeweeks,theinvalidlanguished;then
shegotup,putonherclothing,andresumedlivingagain.’
Some authorities declare that people may actually go insane in order to
find,inthedreamlandofinsanity,thefeelingofimportancethathasbeendenied
themintheharshworldofreality.Therearemorepatientssufferingfrommental
diseasesintheUnitedStatesthanfromallotherdiseasescombined.
Whatisthecauseofinsanity?
Nobody can answer such a sweeping question, but we know that certain
diseases,suchassyphilis,breakdownanddestroythebraincellsandresultin
insanity.Infact,aboutone-halfofallmentaldiseasescanbeattributedtosuch
physicalcausesasbrainlesions,alcohol,toxinsandinjuries.Buttheotherhalf–
andthisistheappallingpartofthestory–theotherhalfofthepeoplewhogo
insaneapparentlyhavenothingorganicallywrongwiththeirbraincells.Inpost-
mortem examinations, when their brain tissues are studied under the highest-
poweredmicroscopes,thesetissuesarefoundtobeapparentlyjustashealthyas
yoursandmine.
Whydothesepeoplegoinsane?
I put that question to the head physician of one of our most important
psychiatrichospitals.Thisdoctor,whohasreceivedthehighesthonoursandthe
mostcovetedawardsforhisknowledgeofthissubject,toldmefranklythathe
didn’t know why peoplewent insane. Nobody knows for sure.But he didsay
thatmanypeoplewhogoinsanefindininsanityafeelingofimportancethatthey
wereunabletoachieveintheworldofreality.Thenhetoldmethisstory:
‘I have a patient right now whose marriage proved to be a tragedy. She
wantedlove,sexualgratification,childrenandsocialprestige,butlifeblastedall
her hopes. Her husband didn’t love her. He refused even to eat with her and
forcedhertoservehismealsinhisroomupstairs.Shehadnochildren,nosocial
standing. She went insane; and, in her imagination, she divorced her husband
andresumedhermaidenname.ShenowbelievesshehasmarriedintoEnglish
aristocracy,andsheinsistsonbeingcalledLadySmith.
‘Andasforchildren,sheimaginesnowthatshehashadanewchildevery
night.EachtimeIcallonhershesays:“Doctor,Ihadababylastnight.”’
Lifeoncewreckedallherdreamshipsonthesharprocksofreality;butin
thesunny,fantasyislesofinsanity,allherbarkentinesraceintoportwithcanvas
billowingandwindswingingthroughthemasts.
Tragic?Oh,Idon’tknow.Herphysiciansaidtome:‘IfIcouldstretchout
myhandandrestorehersanity,Iwouldn’tdoit.She’smuchhappierassheis.’
Ifsomepeoplearesohungryforafeelingofimportancethattheyactually
goinsanetogetit,imaginewhatmiracleyouandIcanachievebygivingpeople
honestappreciationthissideofinsanity.
OneofthefirstpeopleinAmericanbusinesstobepaidasalaryofovera
milliondollarsayear(whentherewasnoincometaxandapersonearningfifty
dollars a week was considered well off) was Charles Schwab. He had been
pickedbyAndrewCarnegietobecomethefirstpresidentofthenewlyformed
UnitedStatesSteelCompanyin1921,whenSchwabwasonlythirty-eightyears
old.(SchwablaterleftU.S.Steeltotakeoverthethen-troubledBethlehemSteel
Company, and he rebuilt it into one of the most profitable companies in
America.)
WhydidAndrewCarnegiepayamilliondollarsayear,ormorethanthree
thousand dollars a day, to Charles Schwab? Why? Because Schwab was a
genius? No. Because he knew more about the manufacture of steel than other
people? Nonsense. Charles Schwab told me himself that he had many men
workingforhimwhoknewmoreaboutthemanufactureofsteelthanhedid.
Schwab says that he waspaid this salary largelybecause of his abilityto
dealwithpeople.Iaskedhimhowhedidit.Hereishissecretsetdowninhis
own words – words that ought to be castin eternalbronze and hung in every
homeandschool,everyshopandofficeintheland–wordsthatchildrenought
tomemoriseinsteadofwastingtheirtimememorisingtheconjugationofLatin
verbs or the amount of the annual rainfall in Brazil – words that will all but
transformyourlifeandmineifwewillonlylivethem:
‘I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people,’ said
Schwab,‘thegreatestassetIpossess,andthewaytodevelopthebestthatisina
personisbyappreciationandencouragement.
‘Thereisnothingelsethatsokillsthe ambitionsofa personascriticisms
fromsuperiors.Inevercriticiseanyone.Ibelieveingivingapersonincentiveto
work.SoIamanxioustopraisebutloathtofindfault.IfIlikeanything,Iam
heartyinmyapprobationandlavishinmypraise.’
That is what Schwab did. But what do average people do? The exact
opposite.Iftheydon’tlikeathing,theybawlouttheirsubordinates;iftheydo
likeit,theysaynothing.Astheoldcoupletsays:‘OnceIdidbadandthatIheard
ever/TwiceIdidgood,butthatIheardnever.’
‘In my wide association in life, meeting with many and great people in
various parts of the world,’ Schwab declared, ‘I have yet to find the person,
howevergreatorexaltedhis station,whodid notdobetter workandput forth
greatereffortunderaspiritofapprovalthanhewouldeverdounderaspiritof
criticism.’
That he said, frankly, was one of the outstanding reasons for the
phenomenal success of Andrew Carnegie. Carnegie praised his associates
publiclyaswellasprivately.
Carnegiewantedtopraisehisassistantsevenonhistombstone.Hewrotean
epitaphforhimselfwhichread:‘Hereliesonewhoknewhowtogetaroundhim
menwhowereclevererthanhimself.’
Sincere appreciation was one of the secrets of the first John D.
Rockefeller’ssuccessinhandlingmen.Forexample,whenoneofhispartners,
Edward T. Bedford, lost a million dollars for the firm by a bad buy in South
America,JohnD.mighthavecriticised;butheknewBedfordhaddonehisbest
– and the incident was closed. So Rockefeller found something to praise; he
congratulatedBedfordbecausehehadbeenabletosave60percentofthemoney
hehadinvested.‘That’ssplendid,’saidRockefeller.‘Wedon’talwaysdoaswell
asthatupstairs.’
I have among my clippings a story that I know never happened, but it
illustratesatruth,soI’llrepeatit:
According to this silly story, a farm woman, at the end of a heavy day’s
work,setbeforehermenfolksaheapingpileofhay.Andwhentheyindignantly
demandedwhethershehadgonecrazy,shereplied:‘Why,howdidIknowyou’d
notice?I’vebeencookingforyoumenforthelasttwentyyearsandinallthat
timeIain’theardnowordtoletmeknowyouwasn’tjusteatinghay.’
Whenastudywasmadeafewyearsagoonrunawaywives,whatdoyou
think was discovered to be the main reason wives ran away? It was ‘lack of
appreciation.’AndI’dbetthatasimilarstudymadeofrunawayhusbandswould
comeoutthesameway.Weoftentakeourspousessomuchforgrantedthatwe
neverletthemknowweappreciatethem.
Amemberofoneofourclassestoldofarequestmadebyhiswife.Sheand
a group of other women in her church were involved in a self-improvement
programme.Sheaskedherhusbandtohelpherbylistingsixthingshebelieved
shecoulddotohelpherbecomeabetterwife.Hereportedtotheclass:‘Iwas
surprisedbysucharequest.Frankly,itwouldhavebeeneasyformetolistsix
thingsIwouldliketo changeabouther –myheavens, shecouldhave listeda
thousandthingsshewouldliketochangeaboutme–butIdidn’t.Isaidtoher,
“Letmethinkaboutitandgiveyouananswerinthemorning.”
‘ThenextmorningIgotupveryearlyandcalledthefloristandhadthem
sendsixredrosestomywifewithanotesaying:‘Ican’tthinkof sixthingsI
wouldliketochangeaboutyou.Iloveyouthewayyouare.’
‘WhenIarrivedathomethatevening,whodoyouthinkgreetedmeatthe
door: That’s right. My wife! She was almost in tears. Needless to say, I was
extremelygladIhadnotcriticisedherasshehadrequested.
‘ThefollowingSundayatchurch,aftershehadreportedtheresultsofher
assignment, several women withwhomshe had beenstudying came up tome
andsaid,“ThatwasthemostconsideratethingIhaveeverheard.”ItwasthenI
realisedthepowerofappreciation.’
Florenz Ziegfeld, the most spectacular producer who ever dazzled
Broadway, gained his reputation by his subtle ability to ‘glorify the American
girl.’ Time after time, he took drab little creatures that no one ever looked at
twiceandtransformedthemonthestageintoglamorousvisionsofmysteryand
seduction.Knowingthevalueofappreciationandconfidence,hemadewomen
feel beautiful by the sheer power of his gallantry and consideration. He was
practical:heraisedthesalaryofchorusgirlsfromthirtydollarsaweektoashigh
asonehundredandseventy-five.Andhewasalsochivalrous;onopeningnight
at the Follies, he sent telegrams to the stars in the cast, and he deluged every
chorusgirlintheshowwithAmericanBeautyroses.
I once succumbed to the fad of fasting and went for six days and nights
withouteating.Itwasn’tdifficult.Iwaslesshungryattheendofthesixthday
thanIwasattheendofthesecond.YetIknow,asyouknow,peoplewhowould
thinktheyhadcommittedacrimeiftheylettheirfamiliesoremployeesgofor
sixdayswithoutfood;buttheywillletthemgoforsixdays,andsixweeks,and
sometimes sixty years without giving them the hearty appreciation that they
cravealmostasmuchastheycravefood.
WhenAlfredLunt,oneofthegreatactorsofhistime,playedtheleading
role in Reunion in Vienna, he said, ‘There is nothing I need so much as
nourishmentformyself-esteem.’
Wenourishthebodiesofourchildrenandfriendsandemployees,buthow
seldomdowenourishtheirself-esteem?We provide them with roast beef and
potatoestobuildenergy,butweneglecttogivethemkindwordsofappreciation
thatwouldsingintheirmemoriesforyearslikethemusicofthemorningstars.
Paul Harvey, in one of his radio broadcasts, ‘The Rest of the Story,’ told
howshowingsincereappreciationcanchangeaperson’slife.Hereportedthat
yearsagoateacherinDetroitaskedStevieMorristohelpherfindamousethat
waslostintheclassroom.Yousee,sheappreciatedthefactthatnaturehadgiven
Stevie something no one else in the room had. Nature had given Stevie a
remarkablepairofearstocompensateforhisblindeyes.Butthiswasreallythe
firsttimeSteviehadbeenshownappreciationforthosetalentedears.Now,years
later,hesaysthatthisactofappreciationwasthebeginningofanewlife.You
see,fromthattimeonhedevelopedhisgiftofhearingandwentontobecome,
under the stage name of Stevie Wonder, one of the great pop singers and
songwritersoftheseventies.
1
Somereadersaresaying rightnowastheyread these lines:‘Oh,phooey!
Flattery! Bear oil! I’ve tried that stuff. It doesn’t work – not with intelligent
people.’
Of course flattery seldom works with discerning people. It is shallow,
selfishandinsincere.Itoughttofailanditusuallydoes.True,somepeopleare
sohungry,sothirsty,forappreciationthattheywillswallowanything,justasa
starvingmanwilleatgrassandfishworms.
EvenQueenVictoriawassusceptibletoflattery.PrimeMinisterBenjamin
DisraeliconfessedthatheputitonthickindealingwiththeQueen.Tousehis
exactwords,hesaidhe‘spreaditonwithatrowel.’ButDisraeliwasoneofthe
mostpolished,deftandadroitmenwhoeverruledthefar-flungBritishEmpire.
Hewasageniusinhisline.Whatwouldworkforhimwouldn’tnecessarilywork
for you and me. In the long run, flattery will do you more harm than good.
Flatteryiscounterfeit,andlikecounterfeitmoney,itwilleventuallygetyouinto
troubleifyoupassittosomeoneelse.
The difference between appreciation and flattery? That is simple. One is
sincereandtheotherinsincere.Onecomesfromtheheartout;theotherfromthe
teeth out. One is unselfish; the other selfish. One is universally admired; the
otheruniversallycondemned.
I recently saw a bust of Mexican hero General Alvaro Obregon in the
ChapultepecpalaceinMexicoCity.Belowthebustarecarvedthesewisewords
from General Obregon’s philosophy: ‘Don’t be afraid of enemies who attack
you.Beafraidofthefriendswhoflatteryou.’
No!No!No!Iamnotsuggestingflattery!Farfromit.I’mtalkingabouta
newwayoflife.Letmerepeat.Iamtalkingaboutanewwayoflife.
KingGeorgeVhadasetofsixmaximsdisplayedonthewallsofhisstudy
atBuckinghamPalace.Oneofthesemaximssaid:‘Teachmeneithertoproffer
nor receive cheap praise.’ That’s all flattery is – cheap praise. I once read a
definitionof flattery thatmaybe worth repeating:‘Flatteryis telling the other
personpreciselywhathethinksabouthimself.’
‘Usewhatlanguageyouwill,’saidRalphWaldoEmerson,‘youcannever
sayanythingbutwhatyouare.’
Ifallwehadtodowasflatter,everybodywouldcatchonandweshouldall
beexpertsinhumanrelations.
When we are not engaged in thinking about some definite problem, we
usuallyspendabout95percentofourtimethinkingaboutourselves.Now,ifwe
stopthinkingaboutourselvesforawhileandbegintothinkoftheotherperson’s
goodpoints,wewon’thavetoresorttoflatterysocheapandfalsethatitcanbe
spottedalmostbeforeitisoutofthemouth.
One of the most neglected virtues of our daily existence is appreciation.
Somehow,weneglecttopraiseoursonordaughterwhenheorshebringshome
agoodreportcard,andwefailtoencourageourchildrenwhentheyfirstsucceed
inbakingacakeorbuildingabirdhouse.Nothingpleaseschildrenmorethanthis
kindofparentalinterestandapproval.
Thenexttimeyouenjoyfiletmignonattheclub,sendwordtothechefthat
it was excellently prepared, and when a tired salesperson shows you unusual
courtesy,pleasementionit.
Every minister, lecturer and public speaker knows the discouragement of
pouringhimselforherselfouttoanaudienceandnotreceivingasinglerippleof
appreciativecomment.Whatappliestoprofessionalsappliesdoublytoworkers
inoffices,shopsandfactoriesandourfamiliesandfriends.Inourinterpersonal
relations we should never forget that all our associates are human beings and
hungerforappreciation.Itisthelegaltenderthatallsoulsenjoy.
Tryleavingafriendlytrailoflittlesparksofgratitudeonyourdailytrips.
Youwillbesurprisedhowtheywillsetsmallflamesoffriendshipthatwillbe
rosebeaconsonyournextvisit.
Pamela Dunham of New Fairfield, Connecticut, had among her
responsibilitiesonherjobthesupervisionofajanitorwhowasdoingaverypoor
job.Theotheremployeeswouldjeerathimandlitterthehallwaystoshowhim
whatabadjobhewasdoing.Itwassobad,productivetimewasbeinglostinthe
shop.
Without success, Pam tried various ways to motivate this person. She
noticedthatoccasionallyhedidaparticularlygoodpieceofwork.Shemadea
pointtopraisehimforitinfrontoftheotherpeople.Eachdaythejobhedidall
aroundgotbetter,andprettysoonhestarteddoingallhisworkefficiently.Now
hedoesanexcellentjobandotherpeoplegivehimappreciationandrecognition.
Honestappreciationgotresultswherecriticismandridiculefailed.
Hurtingpeoplenotonlydoesnotchangethem,itisnevercalledfor.There
isanoldsayingthatIhavecutoutandpastedonmymirrorwhereIcannothelp
butseeiteveryday:
Ishallpassthiswaybutonce;anygood,therefore,thatIcandoor
anykindnessthatIcanshowtoanyhumanbeing,letmedoitnow.
Letmenotdefernorneglectit,forIshallnotpassthiswayagain.
Emerson said: ‘Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I
learnofhim.’
IfthatwastrueofEmerson,isn’titlikelytobeathousandtimesmoretrue
ofyouandme?Let’sceasethinkingofouraccomplishments,ourwants.Let’s
trytofigureouttheotherperson’sgoodpoints.Thenforgetflattery.Givehonest,
sincereappreciation.Be‘heartyinyourapprobationandlavishinyourpraise,’
and people will cherish your words and treasure them and repeat them over a
lifetime–repeatthemyearsafteryouhaveforgottenthem.
PRINCIPLE2
Givehonestandsincereappreciation.
1.PaulAurandt,PaulHarvey’sTheRestoftheStory(NewYork:Doubleday,1977).Editedandcompiled
byLynneHarvey.Copyright©byPaulynne,Inc.
IOFTENWENTfishingupinMaineduringthesummer.PersonallyIamveryfond
ofstrawberriesand cream, but I have found that forsomestrangereason,fish
prefer worms. So when I went fishing, I didn’t think about what I wanted. I
didn’tbaitthehookwithstrawberriesandcream.Rather,Idangledawormora
grasshopperinfrontofthefishandsaid:‘Wouldn’tyouliketohavethat?’
Whynotusethesamecommonsensewhenfishingforpeople?
That is what Lloyd George, Great Britain’s Prime Minister during World
WarI,did.Whensomeoneaskedhimhowhemanagedtostayinpowerafterthe
otherwartimeleaders–Wilson,OrlandoandClemenceau–hadbeenforgotten,
herepliedthatifhisstayingontopmightbeattributedtoanyonething,itwould
betohishavinglearnedthatitwasnecessarytobaitthehooktosuitthefish.
Whytalkaboutwhatwewant?Thatischildish.Absurd.Ofcourse,youare
interestedinwhatyouwant.Youareeternallyinterestedinit.Butnooneelseis.
Therestofusarejustlikeyou:weareinterestedinwhatwewant.
Sotheonlywayonearthtoinfluenceotherpeopleistotalkaboutwhatthey
wantandshowthemhowtogetit.
Remember that tomorrow when you are trying to get somebody to do
something.If,forexample,youdon’twantyourchildrentosmoke,don’tpreach
atthem,anddon’ttalkaboutwhatyouwant;butshowthemthatcigarettesmay
keepthemfrommakingthebasketballteamorwinningthehundred-yarddash.
This is a good thing to remember regardless of whether you are dealing
with children or calves or chimpanzees. For example: one day Ralph Waldo
Emersonandhissontriedtogetacalfintothebarn.Buttheymadethecommon
mistake of thinking only of what they wanted: Emerson pushed and his son
pulled.Butthecalfwasdoingjustwhattheyweredoing:hewasthinkingonly
ofwhathewanted;sohestiffenedhislegsandstubbornlyrefusedtoleavethe
pasture.TheIrishhousemaidsaw their predicament. She couldn’twriteessays
andbooks;but,onthisoccasionatleast,shehadmorehorsesense,orcalfsense,
thanEmersonhad.Shethoughtofwhatthecalfwanted;sosheputhermaternal
fingerinthecalf’smouthandletthecalfsuckherfingerasshegentlyledhim
intothebarn.
Every act you have ever performed since the day you were born was
performedbecauseyouwantedsomething.Howaboutthetimeyougavealarge
contributiontotheRedCross?Yes,thatisnoexceptiontotherule.Yougavethe
RedCrossthedonationbecauseyouwantedtolendahelpinghand;youwanted
todoabeautiful,unselfish,divineact.‘Inasmuchasyehavedoneituntooneof
theleastofthesemybrethren,yehavedoneituntome.’
Ifyouhadn’twantedthatfeelingmorethanyouwantedyourmoney,you
would not have made the contribution. Of course, you might have made the
contributionbecause youwereashamedtorefuseorbecause acustomerasked
you to do it. Butone thing is certain. You made the contributionbecause you
wantedsomething.
HarryA.OverstreetinhisilluminatingbookInfluencingHumanBehaviour
said:‘Actionspringsoutofwhatwefundamentallydesire...andthebestpiece
ofadvicewhichcanbegiventowould-bepersuaders,whetherinbusiness,inthe
home, in the school, in politics, is: First, arouse in the other person an eager
want.Hewhocandothishasthewholeworldwithhim.Hewhocannotwalksa
lonelyway.’
Andrew Carnegie, thepoverty-stricken Scotch lad who startedto work at
twocentsanhourandfinallygaveaway$365million,learnedearlyinlifethat
the only way to influence people is to talk in terms of what the other person
wants.Heattendedschoolonlyfouryears;yethelearnedhowtohandlepeople.
To illustrate: His sister-in-law was worried sick over her two boys. They
wereatYale,andtheyweresobusywiththeirownaffairsthattheyneglectedto
writehomeandpaidnoattentionwhatevertotheirmother’sfranticletters.
Then Carnegie offered to wager a hundred dollars that he could get an
answerbyreturnmail,withoutevenaskingforit.Someonecalledhisbet;sohe
wrotehisnephewsachattyletter,mentioningcasuallyinapostscriptthathewas
sendingeachoneafive-dollarbill.
Heneglected,however,toenclosethemoney.
Back came replies by return mail thanking ‘Dear Uncle Andrew’ for his
kindnoteand–youcanfinishthesentenceyourself.
Another example of persuading comes from Stan Novak of Cleveland,
Ohio, a participant in our course. Stan came home from work one evening to
findhisyoungestson,Tim,kickingandscreamingonthelivingroomfloor.He
wastostartkindergartenthenextdayandwasprotestingthathewouldnotgo.
Stan’snormalreactionwouldhavebeentobanishthechildtohisroomandtell
him he’d better make up his mind to go. He had no choice. But tonight,
recognising that this would not really help Tim start kindergarten in the best
frame of mind, Stan sat down and thought, ‘If I were Tim, why would I be
excitedaboutgoingtokindergarten?’Heandhiswifemadealistofallthefun
thingsTimwoulddosuchasfingerpainting,singingsongs,makingnewfriends.
Then they put them into action. ‘We all started fingerpainting on the kitchen
table–mywife,Lil, myotherson Bob,andmyself,allhavingfun.SoonTim
waspeepingaroundthecorner.Nexthewasbeggingtoparticipate.“Oh,no!You
have to go to kindergarten first to learn how to fingerpaint.” With all the
enthusiasm I could muster I went through the list talking in terms he could
understand – telling him all the fun he would have in kindergarten. The next
morning, I thought I was the first one up. I went downstairs and found Tim
sittingsoundasleepinthelivingroomchair.
“Whatareyoudoinghere?”Iasked.“I’mwaitingtogotokindergarten.I
don’twanttobelate.”TheenthusiasmofourentirefamilyhadarousedinTim
an eager want that no amount of discussion or threat could have possibly
accomplished.’
Tomorrow you may want topersuade somebody to do something.Before
youspeak,pauseandaskyourself:‘HowcanImakethispersonwanttodoit?’
That question will stop us from rushing into a situation heedlessly, with
futilechatteraboutourdesires.
At one time I rented the grand ballroomof acertain NewYork hotel for
twentynightsineachseasoninordertoholdaseriesoflectures.
Atthebeginningofoneseason,IwassuddenlyinformedthatIshouldhave
topayalmostthreetimesasmuchrentasformerly.Thisnewsreachedmeafter
theticketshadbeenprintedanddistributedandalltheannouncementshadbeen
made.
Naturally,Ididn’twanttopaytheincrease,butwhatwastheuseoftalking
to the hotel about what I wanted? They were only interested in what they
wanted.SoacoupleofdayslaterIwenttoseethemanager.
‘IwasabitshockedwhenIgotyourletter,’Isaid,‘butIdon’tblameyouat
all.IfIhadbeeninyourposition,Ishouldprobablyhavewrittenasimilarletter
myself.Yourdutyasthemanagerofthehotelistomakealltheprofitpossible.If
youdon’tdothatyouwillbefiredandyououghttobefired.Now,let’stakea
piece of paper and write down the advantages and the disadvantages that will
accruetoyou,ifyouinsistonthisincreaseinrent.’
ThenItookaletterheadandranalinethroughthecentreandheadedone
column‘Advantages’andtheothercolumn‘Disadvantages.’
I wrote down under the head ‘Advantages’ these words: ‘Ballroom free.’
ThenIwentontosay:‘Youwillhavetheadvantageofhavingtheballroomfree
torentfordancesandconventions.Thatisabigadvantage,foraffairslikethat
willpayyoumuchmorethanyoucangetforaseriesoflectures.IfItieyour
ballroomupfortwentynightsduringthecourseoftheseason,itissuretomean
alossofsomeveryprofitablebusinesstoyou.
‘Now, let’s consider the disadvantages. First, instead of increasing your
incomefromme,youaregoingtodecreaseit.Infact,youaregoingtowipeit
outbecauseIcannotpaytherentyouareasking.Ishallbeforcedtoholdthese
lecturesatsomeotherplace.
‘There’sanotherdisadvantagetoyoualso.Theselecturesattractcrowdsof
educated and cultured people to your hotel. That is good advertising for you,
isn’tit?Infact,ifyouspentfivethousanddollarsadvertisinginthenewspapers,
youcouldn’tbringasmanypeopletolookatyourhotelasIcanbringbythese
lectures.Thatisworthalottoahotel,isn’tit?’
AsItalked,Iwrotethesetwo‘disadvantages’undertheproperheading,and
handedthesheetofpapertothemanager,saying:‘I wishyouwouldcarefully
considerboththeadvantagesanddisadvantagesthataregoingtoaccruetoyou
andthengivemeyourfinaldecision.’
I received a letter the next day, informing me that my rent would be
increasedonly50percentinsteadof300percent.
Mindyou,IgotthisreductionwithoutsayingawordaboutwhatIwanted.I
talkedallthetimeaboutwhattheotherpersonwantedandhowhecouldgetit.
SupposeIhaddone the human,naturalthing;suppose I hadstormedinto
hisofficeandsaid,‘Whatdoyoumeanbyraisingmyrentthreehundredpercent
when you know the tickets have been printed and the announcements made?
Threehundredpercent!Ridiculous!Absurd!Iwon’tpayit!’
Whatwouldhavehappenedthen?Anargumentwouldhavebeguntosteam
and boil and sputter – and you know how arguments end. Even if I had
convincedhimthathewaswrong,hispridewouldhavemadeitdifficultforhim
tobackdownandgivein.
Hereisoneofthebestbitsofadviceevergivenaboutthefineartofhuman
relationships.‘Ifthereisanyonesecretofsuccess,’saidHenryFord,‘itliesin
the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that
person’sangleaswellasfromyourown.’
Thatissogood,Iwanttorepeatit:‘Ifthereisanyonesecretofsuccess,it
liesintheabilitytogettheotherperson’spointofviewandseethingsfromthat
person’sangleaswellasfromyourown.’
Thatissosimple,soobvious,thatanyoneoughttoseethetruthofitata
glance;yet90percentofthepeopleonthisearthignoreit90percentofthetime.
An example? Look at the letters that come across your desk tomorrow
morning, and you will find that most of them violate this important canon of
common sense. Take this one, a letter written by the head of the radio
departmentofanadvertisingagencywithofficesscatteredacrossthecontinent.
This letter was sent to the managers of local radio stations throughout the
country.(Ihavesetdown,inbrackets,myreactionstoeachparagraph.)
Mr.JohnBlank,
Blankville,
Indiana
DearMr.Blank:
The – company desires to retain its position in advertising
agencyleadershipintheradiofield.
[Whocaresaboutyourcompanydesires?Iamworriedaboutmyownproblems.
Thebankisforeclosingthemortgageonmyhouse,thebugsaredestroyingthe
hollyhocks, the stockmarket tumbled yesterday. I missed the eight-fifteenthis
morning. I wasn’t invited to theJones’s dance last night,the doctor tellsmeI
havehighbloodpressureandneuritisanddandruff.Andthenwhathappens?I
comedowntotheofficethismorningworried,openmymailandhereissome
littlewhippersnapperoffinNewYorkyappingaboutwhathiscompanywants.
Bah!Ifheonlyrealisedwhatsortofimpressionhislettermakes,hewouldget
outoftheadvertisingbusinessandstartmanufacturingsheepdip.]
Thisagency’snationaladvertisingaccountswerethebulwarkof
thenetwork.Oursubsequentclearancesofstationtimehavekeptus
atthetopofagenciesyearafteryear.
[Youarebigandrichandrightatthetop,areyou?Sowhat?Idon’tgivetwo
whoopsinHadesifyouareasbigasGeneralMotorsandGeneralElectricand
theGeneralStaffoftheU.S.Armyallcombined.Ifyouhadasmuchsenseasa
half-wittedhummingbird,youwouldrealisethatIaminterestedinhowbigIam
–nothowbigyouare.Allthistalkaboutyourenormoussuccessmakesmefeel
smallandunimportant.]
We desire to service our accounts with the last word on radio
stationinformation.
[You desire! You desire. You unmitigated ass. I’m not interested in what you
desireorwhatthePresidentoftheUnited Statesdesires.Letmetellyouonce
andforallthatIaminterestedinwhatIdesire–andyouhaven’tsaidaword
aboutthatyetinthisabsurdletterofyours.]
Willyou,therefore,putthe–companyonyourpreferredlistfor
weeklystationinformation–everysingledetailthatwillbeusefulto
anagencyinintelligentlybookingtime.
[‘Preferredlist.’Youhaveyournerve!Youmakemefeelinsignificantbyyour
bigtalkaboutyourcompany–andthenyouaskmetoputyouona‘preferred’
list,andyoudon’tevensay‘please’whenyouaskit.]
A prompt acknowledgement ofthis letter, givingus your latest
‘doings’willbemutuallyhelpful.
[Youfool!youmailmeacheapformletter–aletterscatteredfarandwidelike
theautumnleaves–andyouhavethegalltoaskme,whenIamworriedabout
themortgageandthehollyhocksandmybloodpressure,tositdownanddictate
a personal note acknowledging your form letter – and you ask me to do it
‘promptly.’Whatdoyoumean,‘promptly’?Don’tyouknowIamjustasbusyas
youare–or,atleast,IliketothinkIam.Andwhileweareonthesubject,who
gaveyouthelordlyrighttoordermearound?...Yousayitwillbe‘mutually
helpful.’Atlast,atlast,youhavebeguntoseemyviewpoint.Butyouarevague
abouthowitwillbetomyadvantage.]
Verytrulyyours,
JohnDoe
ManagerRadioDepartment
P.S.TheenclosedreprintfromtheBlankvilleJournalwillbeof
interesttoyou,andyoumaywanttobroadcastitoveryourstation.
[Finally,downhereinthepostscript,youmentionsomethingthatmayhelpme
solveoneofmyproblems.Whydidn’tyoubeginyourletterwith–butwhat’s
theuse?Anyadvertisingmanwhoisguilty of perpetrating such drivelasyou
havesentmehassomethingwrongwithhismedullaoblongata.Youdon’tneeda
lettergivingourlatestdoings.Whatyouneedisaquartofiodineinyourthyroid
gland.]
Now, if people who devote their lives to advertising and who pose as
expertsintheartofinfluencingpeopletobuy–iftheywritealetterlikethat,
whatcanweexpectfromthebutcherandbakerortheautomechanic?
Here is another letter, written by the superintendent of a large freight
terminaltoastudentofthiscourse,EdwardVermylen.Whateffectdidthisletter
haveonthemantowhomitwasaddressed?ReaditandthenI’lltellyou.
A.Zerega’sSons,Inc.
28FrontSt.
Brooklyn,N.Y.11201
Attention:Mr.EdwardVermylen
Gentlemen:
The operations at our outbound-rail-receiving station are
handicappedbecauseamaterialpercentageofthetotalbusinessis
delivered us in the late afternoon. This condition results in
congestion, overtime on the part of our forces, delays to trucks,
andinsomecasesdelaystofreight.OnNovember10,wereceived
fromyourcompanyalotof510pieces,whichreachedhereat4.20.
P.M.
We solicit your cooperation toward overcoming the
undesirableeffectsarisingfromlatereceiptoffreight.Mayweask
that,ondaysonwhichyoushipthevolumewhichwasreceivedon
theabovedate,effortbemadeeithertogetthetruckhereearlier
ortodeliveruspartofthefreightduringthemorning?
The advantage that would accrue to you under such an
arrangementwouldbethatofmoreexpeditiousdischargeofyour
trucksandtheassurancethatyourbusinesswouldgoforwardon
thedateofitsreceipt.
Verytrulyyours,
J–B–,Supt.
Afterreadingthisletter,Mr.Vermylen,salesmanagerforA.Zerega’sSons,Inc.,
sentittomewiththefollowingcomment:
This letter had the reverse effect from that which was
intended. The letter begins by describing the Terminal’s
difficulties,inwhichwearenotinterested,generallyspeaking.Our
cooperationisthenrequestedwithoutanythoughtastowhetherit
would inconvenience us, and then finally, in the last paragraph,
the fact is mentioned that if we do cooperate it will mean more
expeditious discharge of our trucks with the assurance that our
freightwillgoforwardonthedateofitsreceipt.
In other words, that in which we are most interested is
mentioned last, and the whole effect is one of raising a spirit of
antagonismratherthanofcooperation.
Let’s see if we can’t rewrite and improve this letter. Let’s not waste any time
talking about our problems. As Henry Ford admonishes, let’s ‘get the other
person’spointofviewandseethingsfromhisorherangle,aswellasfromour
own.’Hereisonewayofrevisingtheletter.Itmaynotbethebestway,butisn’t
itanimprovement?
Mr.EdwardVermylen
c/oAZerega’sSons,Inc.
28FrontSt.
Brooklyn,N.Y.11201
DearMr.Vermylen:
Your company has been one of our good customers for
fourteenyears.Naturally,weareverygratefulforyourpatronage
andareeagertogiveyouthespeedy,efficientserviceyoudeserve.
However, we regret to say that it isn’t possible for us to do that
whenyourtrucksbringusalargeshipmentlateintheafternoon,
astheydidonNovember10.Why?Becausemanyothercustomers
make late afternoon deliveries also. Naturally, that causes
congestion.Thatmeansyourtrucksareheldupunavoidablyatthe
pierandsometimesevenyourfreightisdelayed.
That’sbad,butitcanbeavoided.Ifyoumakeyourdeliveries
atthepierinthemorningwhenpossible,yourtruckswillbeable
tokeepmoving,yourfreightwillgetimmediateattention,andour
workers will get home early at night to enjoy a dinner of the
deliciousmacaroniandnoodlesthatyoumanufacture.
Regardless of when your shipments arrive, we shall always
cheerfullydoallinourpowertoserveyoupromptly.
Youarebusy.Pleasedon’ttroubletoanswerthisnote.
Yourstruly,
J–B–,Supt.
Barbara Anderson, who worked in a bank in New York, desired to move to
Phoenix,Arizona,becauseofthehealthofherson.Usingtheprinciplesshehad
learnedinourcourse,shewrotethefollowinglettertotwelvebanksinPhoenix:
DearSir:
My ten years of bank experience should be of interest to a
rapidlygrowingbanklikeyours.
In various capacities in bank operations with the Bankers
TrustCompanyinNewYork,leadingtomypresentassignmentas
Branch Manager, I have acquired skills in all phases of banking
includingdepositorrelations,credits,loansandadministration.
I will be relocating to Phoenix in May and I am sure I can
contributetoyourgrowthandprofit.IwillbeinPhoenixtheweek
ofApril3andwouldappreciatetheopportunitytoshowyouhowI
canhelpyourbankmeetitsgoals.
Sincerely,
BarbaraL.Anderson
DoyouthinkMrs.Andersonreceivedanyresponsefromthatletter?Elevenof
thetwelvebanksinvitedher tobeinterviewed,andshehad achoiceof which
bank’soffertoaccept.Why?Mrs.Andersondidnotstatewhatshewanted,but
wroteintheletterhowshecouldhelpthem,andfocusedontheirwants,nother
own.
Thousands of salespeople are pounding the pavements today, tired,
discouraged and underpaid. Why? Because they are always thinking only of
whattheywant.Theydon’trealisethatneitheryounorIwanttobuyanything.If
wedid,wewouldgo out andbuyit.Butbothof us are eternallyinterestedin
solving our problems. And if salespeople can show us how their services or
merchandisewillhelpussolveourproblems,theywon’tneedtosellus.We’ll
buy.Andcustomersliketofeelthattheyarebuying–notbeingsold.
Yetmanysalespeoplespendalifetimeinsellingwithoutseeingthingsfrom
thecustomer’sangle.Forexample,formanyyearsIlivedinForestHills,alittle
communityofprivatehomesin the centre ofGreaterNewYork.OnedayasI
was rushing to the station, I chanced to meet a real-estate operator who had
boughtandsoldpropertyinthatareaformanyyears.HeknewForestHillswell,
soIhurriedlyaskedhimwhetherornotmystuccohousewasbuiltwithmetal
lathorhollowtile.Hesaidhedidn’tknowandtoldmewhatIalreadyknew–
that I could find out by calling the Forest Hills Garden Association. The
followingmorning,Ireceivedaletterfromhim.Didhegivemetheinformation
Iwanted?Hecouldhavegottenitinsixtysecondsbyatelephonecall.Buthe
didn’t.HetoldmeagainthatIcouldgetitbytelephoning,andthenaskedmeto
lethimhandlemyinsurance.
He was not interested in helping me. He was interested only in helping
himself.
J.HowardLucasofBirmingham,Alabama,tellshowtwosalespeoplefrom
thesamecompanyhandledthesametypeofsituation.Hereported:
‘Several years ago I was on the management team of a small company.
Headquarterednearuswasthedistrictofficeofalargeinsurancecompany.Their
agentswereassignedterritories,andourcompanywasassignedtotwoagents,
whomIshallrefertoasCarlandJohn.
‘Onemorning,Carldroppedbyourofficeandcasuallymentionedthathis
company had just introduced a new life insurance policy for executives and
thoughtwemightbeinterestedlateronandhewouldgetbacktouswhenhehad
moreinformationonit.
‘Thesameday,Johnsawusonthesidewalkwhilereturningfromacoffee
break, and he shouted: “Hey Luke, hold up, I have some great news for you
fellows.” He hurried over and very excitedly told us about an executive life
insurance policy his company had introduced that very day. (It was the same
policythatCarlhadcasuallymentioned.)Hewantedustohaveoneofthefirst
issued.Hegaveusafewimportantfactsaboutthecoverageandendedsaying,
“Thepolicyissonew,I’mgoingtohavesomeonefromthehomeofficecome
out tomorrow and explain it. Now, in the meantime, let’s get the applications
signed and on the way so he can have more information to work with.” His
enthusiasmarousedinusaneagerwantforthispolicyeventhoughwestilldid
nothavedetails.Whentheyweremadeavailabletous,theyconfirmedJohn’s
initialunderstandingofthepolicy,andhenotonlysoldeachofusapolicybut
laterdoubledourcoverage.
‘Carlcouldhavehadthosesales,buthemadenoefforttoarouseinusany
desireforthepolicies.’
Theworldisfullofpeoplewhoaregrabbingandself-seeking.Sotherare
individualwhounselfishlytriestoserveothershasanenormousadvantage.He
has little competition. Owen D. Young, a noted lawyer and one of America’s
greatbusinessleaders,oncesaid:‘Peoplewhocanputthemselvesintheplaceof
otherpeople,whocanunderstandtheworkingsoftheirminds,needneverworry
aboutwhatthefuturehasinstoreforthem.’
Ifoutofreadingthisbookyougetjustonething–anincreasedtendencyto
thinkalwaysintermsofotherpeople’spointofview,andseethingsfromtheir
angle–ifyougetthatonethingoutofthisbook,itmayeasilyprovetobeoneof
thebuildingblocksofyourcareer.
Lookingattheotherperson’spointofviewandarousinginhimaneager
wantforsomethingisnottobeconstruedasmanipulatingthatpersonsothathe
will do something that is only for your benefit and his detriment. Each party
shouldgainfromthenegotiation.IntheletterstoMr.Vermylen,boththesender
and the receiver of the correspondence gained by implementing what was
suggested.BoththebankandMrs.Andersonwonbyherletterinthatthebank
obtained a valuable employee and Mrs. Anderson a suitable job. And in the
example of John’s sale of insurance to Mr. Lucas, both gained through this
transaction.
Another example in which everybody gains through this principle of
arousing an eager want comes from Michael E. Whidden of Warwick, Rhode
Island,whoisaterritorysalesmanfortheShellOilCompany.Mikewantedto
becometheNumberOnesalespersoninhisdistrict,butoneservicestationwas
holding him back. Itwasrun by anolderman who could notbe motivated to
clean up his station. It was in such poor shape that sales were declining
significantly.
ThismanagerwouldnotlistentoanyofMike’spleastoupgradethestation.
Aftermanyexhortationsandheart-to-hearttalks–allofwhichhadnoimpact–
Mike decided to invite the manager to visit the newest Shell station in his
territory.
Themanagerwassoimpressedbythefacilitiesatthenewstationthatwhen
Mikevisitedhimthenexttime,hisstationwascleanedupandhadrecordeda
salesincrease.ThisenabledMiketoreachtheNumberOnespotinhisdistrict.
Allhistalking anddiscussionhadn’t helped,butbyarousingan eager wantin
themanager,byshowinghimthemodernstation,hehadaccomplishedhisgoal,
andboththemanagerandMikebenefited.
Most people go through college and learn to read Virgil and master the
mysteries of calculus withoutever discovering how their own minds function.
Forinstance:IoncegaveacourseinEffectiveSpeakingfortheyoungcollege
graduates who were entering the employ of the Carrier Corporation, the large
air-conditioner manufacturer. One of the participants wanted to persuade the
otherstoplaybasketballintheirfreetime,andthisisaboutwhathesaid:‘Iwant
youtocomeoutandplaybasketball.Iliketoplaybasketball,butthelastfew
timesI’vebeentothegymnasiumtherehaven’tbeenenoughpeopletogetupa
game.Twoorthreeofusgotbythrowingtheballaroundtheothernight–andI
gotablackeye.Iwishallofyouwouldcomedowntomorrownight.Iwantto
playbasketball.’
Didhetalkaboutanythingyouwant?Youdon’twanttogotoagymnasium
thatnooneelsegoesto,doyou?Youdon’tcareaboutwhathewants.Youdon’t
wanttogetablackeye.
Could he have shown you how to get the things you want by using the
gymnasium?Surely.Morepep.Keeneredgetotheappetite.Clearerbrain.Fun.
Games.Basketball.
To repeat Professor Overstreet’s wise advice: First, arouse in the other
person an eagerwant. He whocan do thishas the whole world with him.He
whocannotwalksalonelyway.
One of the studentsin the author’s training coursewas worried about his
little boy. The child was underweight and refused to eat properly. His parents
usedtheusualmethod.Theyscoldedandnagged.‘Motherwantsyoutoeatthis
andthat.’‘Fatherwantsyoutogrowuptobeabigman.’
Didtheboypayanyattentiontothesepleas?Justaboutasmuchasyoupay
toonefleckofsandonasandybeach.
Noonewithatraceofhorsesensewouldexpectachildthreeyearsoldto
react to the viewpointof a fatherthirtyyears old. Yetthat was precisely what
that father had expected. It was absurd. He finally saw that. So he said to
himself: ‘What does thatboy want? Howcan I tie upwhat I wantto what he
wants?’
Itwaseasyforthefatherwhenhestartedthinkingaboutit.Hisboyhada
tricyclethathelovedtorideupanddownthesidewalkinfrontofthehousein
Broolkyn.Afewdoorsdownthestreetlivedabully–abiggerboywhowould
pullthelittleboyoffhistricycleandrideithimself.
Naturally,thelittleboywouldrunscreamingtohismother,andshewould
have to come out and take the bully off the tricycle and put her little boy on
again.Thishappenedalmosteveryday.
Whatdidthe littleboy want? It didn’ttakeaSherlockHolmestoanswer
that one. His pride, his anger, his desire for a feeling of importance – all the
strongest emotions in his makeup – goaded him to get revenge, to smash the
bullyinthenose.Andwhenhisfatherexplainedthattheboywouldbeableto
wallop the daylights out of the bigger kid someday if he would only eat the
thingshismotherwantedhimtoeat–whenhisfatherpromisedhimthat–there
was no longer any problem of dietetics. That boy would have eaten spinach,
sauerkraut,saltmackerel–anythinginordertobebigenoughtowhipthebully
whohadhumiliatedhimsooften.
After solving thatproblem, the parents tackledanother: the littleboy had
theunholyhabitofwettinghisbed.
He slept with his grandmother. In the morning, his grandmother would
wake up and feel the sheet and say: ‘Look, Johnny, what you did again last
night.’
Hewouldsay:‘No,Ididn’tdoit.Youdidit.’
Scolding, spanking, shaming him, reiterating that the parents didn’t want
himtodoit–noneofthesethingskeptthebeddry.Sotheparentsasked:‘How
canwemakethisboywanttostopwettinghisbed?’
Whatwerehiswants?First,hewantedtowearpyjamaslikeDaddyinstead
ofwearinganightgownlikeGrandmother.Grandmotherwasgettingfedupwith
hisnocturnaliniquities,soshegladlyofferedtobuyhimapairofpyjamasifhe
wouldreform.Second,hewantedabedofhisown.Grandmotherdidn’tobject.
His mother took him to a department store in Brooklyn, winked at the
salesgirl, and said: ‘Here is a little gentleman who would like to do some
shopping.’
Thesalesgirlmadehimfeelimportantbysaying:‘Youngman,whatcanI
showyou?’
Hestoodacoupleofinchestallerandsaid:‘Iwanttobuyabedformyself.’
Whenhewasshowntheonehismotherwantedhimtobuy,shewinkedat
thesalesgirlandtheboywaspersuadedtobuyit.
The bed was delivered the next day; and that night, when Father came
home,thelittleboyrantothedoorshouting:‘Daddy!Daddy!Comeupstairsand
seemybedthatIbought!’
Thefather,lookingatthebed,obeyedCharlesSchwab’sinjunction:hewas
‘heartyinhisapprobationandlavishinhispraise.’
‘Youarenotgoingtowetthisbed,areyou?’thefathersaid.
‘Ohno,no!Iamnotgoingtowetthisbed.’Theboykepthispromise,for
hispridewasinvolved.Thatwashisbed.Heandhealonehadboughtit.Andhe
waswearingpyjamasnowlikealittleman.Hewantedtoactlikeaman.Andhe
did.
Another father, K.T. Dutschmann, a telephone engineer, a student of this
course,couldn’tgethisthree-year-olddaughtertoeatbreakfastfood.Theusual
scolding, pleading, coaxing methods had all ended in futility. So the parents
askedthemselves:‘Howcanwemakeherwanttodoit?’
Thelittlegirllovedtoimitatehermother,tofeelbigandgrownup;soone
morningtheyputheronachairandlethermakethebreakfastfood.Atjustthe
psychologicalmoment,Fatherdriftedintothekitchenwhileshewasstirringthe
cerealandshesaid:‘Oh,look,Daddy,Iammakingthecerealthismorning.’
She ate two helpings of the cereal withoutany coaxing, because she was
interested in it. She had achieved a feeling of importance; she had found in
makingthecerealanavenueofself-expression.
William Winter once remarked that ‘self-expression is the dominant
necessity of human nature.’ Why can’t we adapt this same psychology to
businessdealings?Whenwehaveabrilliantidea,insteadofmakingothersthink
it is ours, why not let them cook and stir the idea themselves. They will then
regarditastheirown;theywilllikeitandmaybeeatacoupleofhelpingsofit.
Remember:‘First,arouseintheotherpersonaneagerwant.Hewhocando
thishasthewholeworldwithhim.Hewhocannotwalksalonelyway.’
PRINCIPLE3
Arouseintheotherpersonaneagerwant.
INANUTSHELL
FUNDAMENTALTECHNIQUESINHANDLINGPEOPLE
PRINCIPLE1
Don’tcriticise,condemnorcomplain.
PRINCIPLE2
Givehonestandsincereappreciation.
PRINCIPLE3
Arouseintheotherpersonaneagerwant.
WHY READ THIS book to find out how to win friends? Why not study the
techniqueofthe greatestwinneroffriendsthe worldhaseverknown?Whois
he?Youmaymeethimtomorrowcomingdownthestreet.Whenyougetwithin
ten feet of him, he will beginto wag histail. If you stop and pat himhe will
almostjumpoutofhisskintoshowyouhowmuchhelikesyou.Andyouknow
thatbehindthisshowofaffectiononhispart,therearenoulteriormotives:he
doesn’twanttosellyouanyrealestate,andhedoesn’twanttomarryyou.
Didyoueverstoptothinkthatadogistheonlyanimalthatdoesn’thaveto
workforaliving?Ahenhastolayeggs,acowhastogivemilk,andacanary
hastosing.Butadogmakeshislivingbygivingyounothingbutlove.
WhenIwasfiveyearsold,myfatherboughtalittleyellow-hairedpupfor
fifty cents. He was the light and joy of my childhood. Every afternoon about
four-thirty, he would sit in the front yard with his beautiful eyes staring
steadfastlyatthepath,andassoonasheheardmyvoiceorsawmeswingingmy
dinnerpailthroughthebuckbrush,hewasofflikeashot,racingbreathlesslyup
thehilltogreetmewithleapsofjoyandbarksofsheerecstasy.
Tippywasmyconstantcompanionforfiveyears.Thenonetragicnight–I
shall never forget it – he was killed within ten feet of my head, killed by
lightning.Tippy’sdeathwasthetragedyofmyboyhood.
Youneverreadabookonpsychology,Tippy.Youdidn’tneedto.Youknew
by some divine instinct that you can make more friends in two months by
becoming genuinely interested in other people than you can in two years by
tryingtogetotherpeople interested in you. Letmerepeatthat.Youcanmake
morefriendsintwomonthsbybecominginterestedinotherpeoplethanyoucan
intwoyearsbytryingtogetotherpeopleinterestedinyou.
Yet I know and you know people who blunder through life trying to
wigwagotherpeopleintobecominginterestedinthem.
Ofcourse,itdoesn’twork.Peoplearenotinterestedinyou.Theyarenot
interested in me. They are interestedin themselves– morning, noon and after
dinner.
The New York Telephone Company made a detailed study of telephone
conversations to find out which word is the most frequently used. You have
guessedit:itisthepersonalpronoun‘I.’‘I.’‘I.’Itwasused3,900timesin500
telephoneconversations.‘I.’‘I.’‘I.’‘I.’
When you see a group photograph that you are in, whose picture doyou
lookforfirst?
Ifwemerelytrytoimpresspeopleandgetpeopleinterestedinus,wewill
never have many true,sincere friends. Friends, real friends, are not made that
way.
Napoleon tried it, and in his last meeting with Josephine he said:
‘Josephine,Ihavebeenasfortunateasanymaneverwasonthisearth;andyet,
at this hour, you are the only person in the world on whom I can rely.’ And
historiansdoubtwhetherhecouldrelyevenonher.
Alfred Adler, the famous Viennese psychologist, wrote a book entitled
WhatLifeShouldMeantoYou.Inthatbookhesays:‘Itistheindividualwhois
not interested in his fellow men who has the greatest difficulties in life and
providesthegreatestinjurytoothers.Itisfromamongsuchindividualsthatall
humanfailuresspring.’
Youmayreadscoresoferuditetomesonpsychologywithoutcomingacross
astatementmore significantforyouandme. Adler’sstatementisso richwith
meaningthatIamgoingtorepeatitinitalics:
Itistheindividualwhoisnotinterestedinhisfellowmenwhohas
the greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injury to
others. It is from among such individuals that all human failures
spring.
Ioncetookacourseinshort-storywritingatNewYorkUniversity,andduring
thatcoursetheeditorofaleadingmagazinetalkedtoourclass.Hesaidhecould
pickupanyoneofthedozensofstoriesthatdriftedacrosshisdeskeveryday
andafterreadingafewparagraphshecouldfeelwhetherornottheauthorliked
people.‘Iftheauthordoesn’tlikepeople,’hesaid,‘peoplewon’tlikehisorher
stories.’
This hard-boiled editor stopped twice in the course of his talk on fiction
writingandapologisedforpreachingasermon.‘Iamtellingyou,’hesaid,‘the
same things your preacher would tell you, but remember, you have to be
interestedinpeopleifyouwanttobeasuccessfulwriterofstories.’
Ifthatis trueofwritingfiction, youcanbesure itistrueof dealingwith
peopleface-to-face.
IspentaneveninginthedressingroomofHowardThurstonthelasttimehe
appeared on Broadway – Thurston was the acknowledged dean of magicians.
For forty years he had travelled all over the world, time and again, creating
illusions, mystifying audiences, and making people gasp with astonishment.
Morethan60millionpeoplehadpaidadmissiontohisshow,andhehadmade
almost$2millioninprofit.
I asked Mr. Thurston to tell me the secret of his success. His schooling
certainlyhadnothingtodowithit,forheranawayfromhomeasasmallboy,
becameahobo,rodeinboxcars,sleptinhaystacks,beggedhisfoodfromdoorto
door,andlearnedtoreadbylookingoutofboxcarsatsignsalongtherailway.
Didhehavea superiorknowledgeofmagic?No, hetoldmehundredsof
bookshadbeenwrittenaboutlegerdemainandscoresofpeopleknewasmuch
aboutitashedid.Buthehadtwothingsthattheothersdidn’thave.First,hehad
theabilitytoputhispersonalityacrossthefootlights.Hewasamastershowman.
Heknewhumannature.Everythinghedid,everygesture,everyintonationofhis
voice,everyliftingofaneyebrowhadbeencarefullyrehearsedinadvance,and
hisactionsweretimedtosplitseconds.But,inadditiontothat,Thurstonhada
genuineinterestinpeople. He told me that many magicians would look atthe
audienceandsaytothemselves,‘Well,thereisabunchofsuckersoutthere,a
bunch of hicks; I’ll fool them all right.’ But Thurston’s method was totally
different.Hetoldmethateverytimehewentonstagehesaidtohimself:‘Iam
gratefulbecausethesepeoplecometoseeme.Theymakeitpossibleformeto
makemylivinginaveryagreeableway.I’mgoingtogivethemtheverybestI
possiblycan.’
Hedeclaredheneversteppedinfrontofthefootlightswithoutfirstsaying
tohimselfoverandover:‘Ilovemyaudience.Ilovemyaudience.’Ridiculous?
Absurd?Youareprivilegedtothinkanythingyoulike.Iammerelypassingiton
toyouwithoutcommentasarecipeusedbyoneofthemostfamousmagicians
ofalltime.
GeorgeDykeofNorthWarren,Pennsylvania,wasforcedtoretirefromhis
servicestationbusinessafterthirtyyearswhenanewhighwaywasconstructed
over the site of his station. It wasn’t long before the idle days of retirement
begantoborehim,sohestartedfillinginhistimetryingtoplaymusicandtalk
with many of the accomplished fiddlers. In his humble and friendly way he
became generally interested in learning the background and interests of every
musician he met. Although he was not a great fiddler himself, he made many
friendsinthispursuit.Heattendedcompetitionsandsoonbecameknowntothe
countrymusicfansintheeasternpartoftheUnitedStatesas‘UncleGeorge,the
Fiddle Scraper from Kinzua County.’ When we heard Uncle George, he was
seventy-twoandenjoyingeveryminuteofhislife.Byhavingasustainedinterest
in other people,he created anew life forhimself at atime when mostpeople
considertheirproductiveyearsover.
That, too, was one of the secrets of Theodore Roosevelt’s astonishing
popularity.Evenhisservantslovedhim.Hisvalet,JamesE.Amos,wroteabook
about him entitled Theodore Roosevelt, Hero to His Valet. In that book Amos
relatesthisilluminatingincident:
MywifeonetimeaskedthePresidentaboutabobwhite.She
hadneverseenoneandhedescribedittoherfully.Sometimelater,
the telephone at our cottage rang. [Amos and his wife lived in a
little cottage on the Roosevelt estate at Oyster Bay.] My wife
answereditanditwasMr.Roosevelthimself.Hehadcalledher,he
said,totellherthattherewasabobwhiteoutsideherwindowand
thatifshewouldlookoutshe might see it. Little thingslikethat
were so characteristic of him. Whenever he went by our cottage
eventhoughwewereoutofsight,wewouldhearhimcallout:‘Oo-
oo-oo,Annie?’or‘Oo-oo-oo,James!’Itwasjustafriendlygreeting
ashewentby.
Howcouldemployeeskeepfromlikingamanlikethat?Howcouldanyonekeep
fromlikinghim?
RooseveltcalledattheWhiteHouseonedaywhenthePresidentandMrs.
Taftwereaway.Hishonestlikingforhumblepeoplewasshownbythefactthat
hegreetedalltheoldWhiteHouseservantsbyname,eventhescullerymaids.
‘ButwhenhesawAlice,thekitchenmaid,’ writesArchieButt, ‘heasked
herifshestillmadecornbread.Alicetoldhimthatshesometimesmadeitfor
theservants,butnooneateitupstairs.
‘“Theyshowbadtaste,”Rooseveltboomed,“andI’lltellthePresidentso
whenIseehim.”
‘Alice brought a piece to him on a plate, and he went over to the office
eatingitashewentandgreetinggardenersandlabourersashepassed...
‘He addressed each personjustas he had addressedthemin the past. Ike
Hoover,whohadbeenheadusherattheWhiteHouseforfortyyears,saidwith
tearsinhiseyes:“Itistheonlyhappydaywehadinnearlytwoyears,andnot
oneofuswouldexchangeitforahundred-dollarbill.”’
The same concern for the seemingly unimportant people helped sales
representativeEdwardM.Sykes,Jr.,ofChatham,NewJersey,retainanaccount.
‘Manyyearsago,’hereported,‘IcalledoncustomersforJohnsonandJohnson
intheMassachusettsarea.OneaccountwasadrugstoreinHingham.Whenever
IwentintothisstoreIwouldalwaystalktothesodaclerkandsalesclerkfora
fewminutesbeforetalkingtotheownertoobtainhisorder.OnedayIwentupto
theownerofthestore,andhetoldmetoleaveashewasnotinterestedinbuying
J&Jproductsanymorebecausehefelttheywereconcentratingtheiractivitieson
foodanddiscountstorestothedetrimentofthesmalldrugstore.Ileftwithmy
tail between my legs and drove around the town for several hours. Finally, I
decidedtogoback and try atleasttoexplainourposition to theownerofthe
store.
‘WhenIreturnedIwalkedinandasusualsaidhellotothesodaclerkand
salesclerk.WhenIwalkeduptotheowner,hesmiledatmeandwelcomedme
back.Hethengavemedoubletheusualorder.Ilookedathimwithsurpriseand
askedhimwhathadhappenedsincemyvisitonlyafewhoursearlier.Hepointed
totheyoungmanatthesodafountainandsaidthatafterIhadleft,theboyhad
comeoverandsaidthatIwasoneofthefewsalespeoplethatcalledonthestore
thatevenbotheredtosayhellotohimandtotheothersinthestore.Hetoldthe
ownerthatifanysalespersondeservedhisbusiness,itwasI.Theowneragreed
andremainedaloyalcustomer.Ineverforgotthattobegenuinelyinterestedin
otherpeopleisamostimportantqualityforasalespersontopossess–for any
person,forthatmatter.’
Ihavediscoveredfrompersonalexperiencethatonecanwintheattention
and time and cooperation of even the most sought-after people by becoming
genuinelyinterestedinthem.Letmeillustrate.
YearsagoIconductedacourseinfictionwritingattheBrooklynInstitute
of Arts and Sciences, and we wanted such distinguished and busy authors as
KathleenNorris,FannieHurst,Ida Tarbell, Albert Payson TerhuneandRupert
HughestocometoBrooklynandgiveusthebenefitoftheirexperiences.Sowe
wrotethem,sayingweadmiredtheirworkandweredeeplyinterestedingetting
theiradviceandlearningthesecretsoftheirsuccess.
Eachoftheseletterswassignedbyaboutahundredandfiftystudents.We
saidwerealisedthattheseauthorswerebusy–toobusytopreparealecture.So
we enclosed alist of questionsfor them toanswer about themselves and their
methodsofwork.Theylikedthat.Whowouldn’tlikeit?Sotheylefttheirhomes
andtravelledtoBrooklyntogiveusahelpinghand.
By using the same method, I persuaded Leslie M. Shaw, secretary of the
treasury in Theodore Roosevelt’s cabinet; George W. Wickersham, attorney
general in Taft’s cabinet; William Jennings Bryan; Franklin D. Roosevelt and
many other prominent men to come to talk to the students of my courses in
publicspeaking.
Allofus,beweworkersinafactory,clerksinanofficeorevenakingupon
histhrone–allof us like peoplewhoadmireus.TaketheGermanKaiser, for
example.At the close of World War I hewasprobablythe most savagely and
universallydespisedmanonthisearth.Evenhisownnationturnedagainsthim
whenhefledoverintoHollandtosavehisneck.Thehatredagainsthimwasso
intensethatmillionsofpeoplewouldhavelovedtotearhimlimbfromlimbor
burnhimatthestake.Inthemidstof all this forest fire offury, one little boy
wrotetheKaiserasimple,sincereletterglowingwithkindlinessandadmiration.
Thislittleboysaidthatnomatterwhattheothersthought,hewouldalwayslove
Wilhelm as his Emperor. The Kaiser was deeply touched by this letter and
invitedthelittleboytocometoseehim.Theboycame,sodidhismother–and
theKaisermarriedher.Thatlittleboydidn’tneedtoreadabookonhowtowin
friendsandinfluencepeople.Heknewhowinstinctively.
If we want to make friends, let’s putourselves outto do things for other
people – things that require time, energy, unselfishness and thoughtfulness.
WhentheDukeofWindsorwasPrinceofWales,hewasscheduledtotourSouth
America, and before he started out on that tour he spent months studying
Spanishsothathecouldmakepublictalksinthelanguageofthecountry;and
theSouthAmericanslovedhimforit.
ForyearsImadeitapointto findoutthebirthdaysofmyfriends.How?
AlthoughIhaven’tthefoggiest bitoffaithin astrology,Ibegan by askingthe
otherpartywhetherhebelievedthedateofone’sbirthhasanythingtodowith
characteranddisposition.Ithenaskedhimorhertotellmethemonthandday
ofbirth.IfheorshesaidNovember24,forexample,Ikeptrepeatingtomyself,
‘November24,November24.’Theminutemyfriend’sbackwasturnedIwrote
downthenameandbirthdayandlaterwouldtransferittoabirthdaybook.Atthe
beginningofeachyear,Ihadthesebirthdaydatesscheduledinmycalendarpad
so that they came to my attention automatically. When the natal day arrived,
therewasmyletteror telegram.Whatahititmade!Iwasfrequentlytheonly
persononearthwhoremembered.
If we want to make friends, let’s greet people with animation and
enthusiasm. When somebody calls you on the telephone use the same
psychology.Say‘Hello’intonesthatbespeakhowpleasedyouaretohavethe
personcall.Manycompaniestraintheirtelephoneoperatorstogreetallcallersin
a tone of voice that radiates interest and enthusiasm. The caller feels the
company is concerned about them. Let’s remember that when we answer the
telephonetomorrow.
Showingagenuineinterestinothersnotonlywinsfriendsforyou,butmay
developinitscustomersaloyaltytoyourcompany.Inanissueofthepublication
oftheNationalBankofNorthAmericaofNewYork,thefollowingletterfrom
MadelineRosedale,adepositor,waspublished:
1
‘IwouldlikeyoutoknowhowmuchIappreciateyourstaff.Everyoneisso
courteous,politeandhelpful.Whatapleasureitis,afterwaitingonalongline,
tohavethetellergreetyoupleasantly.
‘Lastyearmymotherwashospitalisedforfivemonths.FrequentlyIwent
toMariePetrucello,ateller.Shewasconcernedaboutmymotherandinquired
aboutherprogress.’
IsthereanydoubtthatMrsRosedalewillcontinuetousethisbank?
Charles R. Walters, of one of the large banks in New York City, was
assigned to prepare aconfidential report on acertaincorporation. He knewof
onlyonepersonwhopossessedthefactsheneededsourgently.AsMr.Walters
wasusheredintothepresident’soffice,ayoungwomanstuckherheadthrougha
doorandtoldthepresidentthatshedidn’thaveanystampsforhimthatday.
‘I am collecting stamps for my twelve-year-old son,’ the president
explainedtoMr.Walters.
Mr. Walters statedhis mission andbegan asking questions. The president
was vague, general, nebulous. He didn’t want to talk, and apparently nothing
couldpersuadehimtotalk.Theinterviewwasbriefandbarren.
‘Frankly,Ididn’tknowwhattodo,’Mr.Walterssaidasherelatedthestory
totheclass.‘ThenIrememberedwhathis secretaryhadsaid tohim– stamps,
twelve-year-oldson...AndI alsorecalledthattheforeigndepartmentofour
bank collected stamps – stamps taken from letters pouring in from every
continentwashedbythesevenseas.
‘ThenextafternoonIcalledonthismanandsentinwordthatIhadsome
stampsforhisboy.WasIusheredinwithenthusiasm?Yessir.Hecouldn’thave
shakenmyhandwithmoreenthusiasmifhehadbeenrunningforCongress.He
radiatedsmilesandgoodwill.“MyGeorgewilllovethisone,”hekeptsayingas
hefondledthestamps.“Andlookatthis!Thisisatreasure.”
‘Wespenthalfanhourtalkingstampsandlookingatapictureofhisboy,
and then he devoted more than an hour of his time to giving me every bit of
informationIwanted–withoutmyevensuggestingthathedoit.Hetoldmeall
heknew,andthencalledinhissubordinatesandquestionedthem.Hetelephoned
some of his associates. He loaded me down with facts, figures, reports and
correspondence.Intheparlanceofnewspaperreporters,Ihadascoop.’
Hereisanotherillustration:
C.M.Knaphle,Jr.,ofPhiladelphiahadtriedforyearstosellfueltoalarge
chain-storeorganisation.Butthechain-storecompanycontinuedtopurchaseits
fuel from an out-of-town dealer and haul it right past the door of Knaphle’s
office.Mr.Knaphlemadeaspeechonenightbeforeoneofmyclasses,pouring
outhishotwrathuponchainstores,brandingthemasacursetothenation.
Andstillhewonderedwhyhecouldn’tsellthem.
I suggested that he try different tactics. To put it briefly, this is what
happened.Westaged a debate between members of thecourseonwhetherthe
spreadofthechainstoreisdoingthecountrymoreharmthatgood.
Knaphle,atmysuggestion,tookthenegativeside;heagreedtodefendthe
chainstore,andthenwentstraighttoanexecutiveofthechain-storeorganisation
thathedespisedandsaid:‘Iamnotheretotrytosellfuel.Ihavecometoask
youtodomeafavour.’Hethentoldabouthisdebateandsaid,‘Ihavecometo
youforhelpbecauseIcan’tthinkofanyoneelsewhowouldbemorecapableof
giving me the facts I want. I’m anxious to win this debate, and I’ll deeply
appreciatewhateverhelpyoucangiveme.’
HereistherestofthestoryinMr.Knaphle’sownwords:
Ihadaskedthismanforpreciselyoneminuteofhistime.It was
withthatunderstandingthatheconsentedtoseeme.AfterIhad
stated my case, he motioned me to a chair and talked to me for
exactly one hour and forty-seven minutes. He called in another
executivewhohadwrittenabookonchainstores.Hewrotetothe
NationalChainStoreAssociationandsecuredformeacopyofa
debateonthesubject.Hefeelsthatthechainstoreisrenderinga
real service to humanity. He is proud of what he is doing for
hundredsofcommunities.Hiseyesfairlyglowedashetalked,and
ImustconfessthatheopenedmyeyestothingsIhadnevereven
dreamedof.Hechangedmywholementalattitude.
AsIwasleaving,hewalkedwithmetothedoor,puthisarm
aroundmyshoulder,wishedmewellinmydebate,andaskedme
to stop in and see him again and let him know how I made out.
The last words he saidto me were:‘Please see me again later in
thespring.Ishouldliketoplaceanorderwithyouforfuel.’
Tomethatwasalmostamiracle.Herehewasofferingtobuy
fuelwithoutmyevensuggestingit. Ihadmademoreheadwayin
two hours by becoming genuinely interested in him and his
problems than I could have made in ten years trying to get him
interestedinmeandmyproduct.
You didn’tdiscover a new truth,Mr. Knaphle, fora long time ago,a hundred
years before Christ was born, a famous old Roman poet, Publilius Syrus,
remarked:‘Weareinterestedinotherswhentheyareinterestedinus.’
Ashowofinterest,aswitheveryotherprincipleofhumanrelations,must
besincere.Itmustpayoffnotonlyforthepersonshowingtheinterest,butfor
thepersonreceivingtheattention.Itisatwo-waystreet–bothpartiesbenefit.
MartinGinsberg,whotookourcourseinLongIsland,NewYork,reported
howthespecialinterestanursetookinhimprofoundlyaffectedhislife:
‘ItwasThanksgivingDayandIwastenyearsold.Iwasinawelfareward
of a city hospital and was scheduled to undergo major orthopedic surgery the
next day. I knew that I could only look forward to months of confinement,
convalescenceandpain.Myfatherwasdead;mymotherandIlivedaloneina
smallapartmentandwewereonwelfare.Mymotherwasunabletovisitmethat
day.
‘Asthedaywenton,Ibecameoverwhelmedwiththefeelingofloneliness,
despairandfear.Iknewmymotherwasathomealoneworryingaboutme,not
having anyone to bewith, not havinganyone to eat withand not even having
enoughmoneytoaffordaThanksgivingDaydinner.
‘Thetearswelledupinmyeyes,andIstuckmyheadunderthepillowand
pulledthecoversoverit.Icriedsilently,butohsobitterly,somuchthatmybody
rackedwithpain.
‘Ayoungstudentnurseheardmysobbingandcameovertome.Shetook
thecoversoffmyfaceandstartedwipingmytears.Shetoldmehowlonelyshe
was,havingtoworkthatdayandnotbeingabletobewithherfamily.Sheasked
mewhetherIwouldhavedinnerwithher.Shebroughttwotraysoffood:sliced
turkey,mashedpotatoes,cranberrysauceandicecreamfordessert.Shetalkedto
meandtriedtocalmmyfears.Eventhoughshewasscheduledtogooffdutyat
4P.M.,shestayedonherowntimeuntilalmost11P.M..Sheplayedgameswith
me,talkedtomeandstayedwithmeuntilIfinallyfellasleep.
‘ManyThanksgivingshavecomeandgonesinceIwasten,butonenever
passes without me remembering that particular one and my feelings of
frustration, fear, lonelinessand thewarmth and tenderness of the stranger that
somehowmadeitallbearable.’
Ifyouwantothersto like you, if you want to develop real friendships, if
youwanttohelpothersatthesametimeasyouhelpyourself,keepthisprinciple
inmind;
PRINCIPLE1
Becomegenuinelyinterestedinotherpeople.
ATA DINNERpartyinNewYork,oneoftheguests,awomanwhohadinherited
money, was eager to make a pleasing impression on everyone. She had
squandered a modest fortune on sables, diamonds and pearls. But she hadn’t
doneanythingwhateveraboutherface.Itradiatedsournessandselfishness.She
didn’t realise what everyone knows:namely, thatthe expression onewears on
one’sfaceisfarmoreimportantthantheclothesonewearsonone’sback.
CharlesSchwabtoldmehissmilehadbeenworthamilliondollars.Andhe
was probably understating the truth. For Schwab’s personality, his charm, his
ability to make people like him, were almost wholly responsible for his
extraordinarysuccess;andone of themostdelightfulfactorsin his personality
washiscaptivatingsmile.
Actionsspeaklouderthanwords,andasmilesays,‘Ilikeyou.Youmake
mehappy.Iamgladtoseeyou.’
That is why dogs make such a hit. They are so glad to see us that they
almostjumpoutoftheirskins.So,naturally,wearegladtoseethem.
Ababy’ssmilehasthesameeffect.
Haveyoueverbeeninadoctor’swaitingroomandlookedaroundatallthe
glumfaceswaitingimpatientlytobeseen?Dr.StephenK.Sproul,aveterinarian
inRaytown,Missouri,toldofatypicalspringdaywhenhiswaitingroomwas
full of clients waiting to have their pets inoculated. No one was talking to
anyoneelse,andallwereprobablythinkingofadozenotherthingstheywould
rather be doing than ‘wasting time’ sitting in that office. He told one of our
classes:‘Thereweresixorsevenclientswaitingwhenayoungwomancamein
withanine-months-oldbabyandakitten.Asluckwouldhaveit,shesatdown
nexttoagentlemanwhowasmorethanalittledistraughtaboutthelongwaitfor
service.Thenextthingheknew,thebabyjustlookedupathimwiththatgreat
big smile that is so characteristic ofbabies. What did that gentleman do? Just
whatyouandIwoulddo,ofcourse;hesmiledbackatthebaby.Soonhestruck
up a conversation with the woman about her baby and his grandchildren, and
soon the entire reception room joined in, and the boredom and tension were
convertedintoapleasantandenjoyableexperience.’
An insincere grin? No. That doesn’t fool anybody. We know it is
mechanical and we resent it. I am talking about a real smile, a heartwarming
smile,asmilethatcomesfromwithin,thekindofsmilethatwillbringagood
priceinthemarketplace.
Professor James V. McConnell, a psychologist at the University of
Michigan, expressed his feelings about a smile. ‘People who smile,’ he said,
‘tendtomanage,teachandsellmoreeffectively,andtoraisehappierchildren.
There’sfarmoreinformationinasmilethanafrown.That’swhyencouragement
isamuchmoreeffectiveteachingdevicethanpunishment.’
The employment manager of a largeNew Yorkdepartment store told me
shewouldratherhireasalesclerkwhohadn’tfinishedgradeschool,ifheorshe
hasapleasantsmile,thantohireadoctorofphilosophywithasombreface.
The effect of a smile is powerful – even when it is unseen. Telephone
companiesthroughouttheUnitedStateshaveaprogrammecalled‘phonepower’
whichisofferedtoemployeeswhousethetelephoneforsellingtheirservicesor
products. In this programme they suggest that you smile when talking on the
phone.Your‘smile’comesthroughinyourvoice.
Robert Cryer, manager of a computer department for a Cincinnati, Ohio,
company,toldhowhehadsuccessfullyfoundtherightapplicantforahard-to-fill
position:
‘I was desperately trying to recruit a Ph.D. in computer science for my
department. I finally located a young man with ideal qualification who was
abouttobegraduatedfromPurdueUniversity.Afterseveralphoneconversations
Ilearnedthathehadseveraloffersfromothercompanies,manyofthemlarger
andbetterknownthanmine.Iwasdelightedwhenheacceptedmyoffer.After
he started on the job, I asked him why he had chosen us over the others. He
pausedforamomentandthenhesaid:“Ithinkitwasbecausemanagersinthe
othercompaniesspokeonthephoneinacold,businesslikemanner,whichmade
mefeellikejustanotherbusinesstransaction.Yourvoicesoundedasifyouwere
glad to hear from me . . . that you really wanted me to be part of your
organisation.”Youcanbeassured,Iamstillansweringmyphonewithasmile.’
The chairman of the board of directors of one of the largest rubber
companies in the United States told me that, according to his observations,
peoplerarelysucceedatanythingunlesstheyhavefundoingit.Thisindustrial
leaderdoesn’tputmuchfaithintheoldadagethathardworkaloneisthemagic
keythatwillunlockthedoortoourdesires.‘Ihaveknownpeople,’hesaid,‘who
succeededbecausetheyhada rip-roaring goodtimeconductingtheirbusiness.
Later, I saw those people change as the fun became work. The business had
growndull.Theylostalljoyinit,andtheyfailed.’
Youmusthavea good time meeting people if you expect them to have a
goodtimemeetingyou.
Ihaveaskedthousandsofbusinesspeopletosmileatsomeoneeveryhour
ofthedayforaweekandthencometoclassandtalkabouttheresults.Howdid
itwork?Let’ssee...HereisaletterfromWilliamB.Steinhardt,aNewYork
stockbroker.Hiscaseisn’tisolated.Infact,itistypicalofhundredsofcases.
‘Ihavebeenmarriedforovereighteenyears,’wroteMr.Steinhardt,‘andin
allthattimeIseldomsmiledatmywifeorspoketwodozenwordstoherfrom
thetimeIgotupuntilIwasreadytoleaveforbusiness.Iwasoneoftheworst
groucheswhoeverwalkeddownBroadway.
‘When you asked me to make a talk about my experience with smiles, I
thoughtIwouldtryitforaweek.Sothenextmorning,whilecombingmyhair,I
lookedatmyglummuginthemirrorandsaidtomyself,“Bill,youaregoingto
wipethescowl offthat sourpussofyours today.Youaregoingtosmile.And
youaregoingtobeginrightnow.”AsIsatdowntobreakfast,Igreetedmywife
witha“Goodmorning,mydear,”andsmiledasIsaidit.
‘Youwarnedmethatshemightbesurprised.Well,youunderestimatedher
reaction.Shewasbewildered.Shewasshocked.Itoldherthatinthefutureshe
couldexpectthisasaregularoccurrence,andIkeptitupeverymorning.
‘Thischangedattitudeofminebroughtmorehappinessintoourhomeinthe
twomonthssinceIstartedthantherewasduringthelastyear.
‘As I leave for my office, I greet the elevator operator in the apartment
housewitha“Goodmorning”andasmile.Igreetthedoormanwithasmile.I
smileatthecashierinthesubwayboothwhenIaskforchange.AsIstandonthe
flooroftheStockExchange,Ismileatpeoplewhountilrecentlyneversawme
smile.
‘I soon found that everybody was smiling back at me. I treat those who
come to me with complaints or grievances in a cheerful manner. I smile as I
listentothemandIfindthatadjustmentsareaccomplishedmucheasier.Ifind
thatsmilesarebringingmedollars,manydollarseveryday.
‘Isharemyofficewithanotherbroker.Oneofhisclerksisalikableyoung
chap,andIwassoelatedabouttheresultsIwasgettingthatItoldhimrecently
about my new philosophy of human relations. He then confessed that when I
firstcametosharemyofficewithhisfirmhethoughtmeaterriblegrouch–and
onlyrecentlychangedhismind.HesaidIwasreallyhumanwhenIsmiled.
‘Ihavealsoeliminatedcriticismfrommysystem.Igiveappreciationand
praisenowinsteadofcondemnation.IhavestoppedtalkingaboutwhatIwant.I
am now trying to see the other person’s viewpoint. And these things have
literally revolutionised my life. I am a totally different man, a happier man, a
richer man, richer in friendships and happiness – the only things that matter
muchafterall.’
Youdon’tfeellikesmiling?Thenwhat?Twothings.First,forceyourselfto
smile.Ifyouarealone,forceyourselftowhistleorhumatuneorsing.Actasif
youwerealreadyhappy,andthatwilltendtomakeyouhappy.Hereistheway
thepsychologistandphilosopherWilliamJamesputit:
‘Actionseemstofollowfeeling,butreallyactionandfeelinggotogether;
andbyregulatingtheaction,whichisunderthemoredirectcontrolofthewill,
wecanindirectlyregulatethefeeling,whichisnot.
‘Thusthesovereignvoluntarypath to cheerfulness,ifourcheerfulnessbe
lost,istositupcheerfullyandtoactandspeakasifcheerfulnesswerealready
there...’
Everybodyintheworldisseekinghappiness–andthereisonesurewayto
find it. That is by controlling your thoughts. Happiness doesn’t depend on
outwardconditions.Itdependsoninnerconditions.
It isn’twhat you have or who you areor where you are orwhat you are
doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about it. For
example,twopeoplemaybeinthesameplace,doingthesamething;bothmay
have about an equal amount of money and prestige – and yet one may be
miserable and the other happy. Why? Because of adifferentmental attitude. I
haveseenjustasmanyhappyfacesamongthepoorpeasantstoilingwiththeir
primitive tools in the devastating heat of the tropics as I have seen in air-
conditionedofficesinNewYork,ChicagoorLosAngeles.
‘There is nothing either good or bad,’ said Shakespeare, ‘but thinking
makesitso.’
Abe Lincoln once remarked that ‘most folks are about as happy as they
makeuptheirmindstobe.’Hewasright.Isawavividillustrationofthattruth
asIwaswalkingupthestairsoftheLongIslandRailroadstationinNewYork.
Directlyinfrontofmethirtyorfortycrippledboysoncanesandcrutcheswere
strugglingupthestairs.Oneboyhadtobecarriedup.Iwasastonishedattheir
laughterandgaiety.Ispokeaboutittooneofthemeninchargeoftheboys.‘Oh,
yes,’hesaid,‘whenaboyrealisesthatheisgoingtobeacrippleforlife,heis
shockedatfirst;butafterhegetsovertheshock,heusuallyresignshimselftohis
fateandthenbecomesashappyasnormalboys.’
Ifeltliketakingmyhatofftothoseboys.TheytaughtmealessonIhopeI
shallneverforget.
Workingallbyoneselfinaclosed-offroominanofficenotonlyislonely,
butitdeniesonetheopportunityofmakingfriendswithotheremployeesinthe
company.SeñoraMariaGonzalezofGuadalajara,Mexico,hadsuchajob.She
enviedthesharedcomradeshipofotherpeopleinthecompanyassheheardtheir
chatterandlaughter.Asshepassedtheminthehallduringthefirstweeksofher
employment,sheshylylookedtheotherway.
After a few weeks, she said to herself, ‘Maria, you can’t expect those
womentocometoyou.Youhavetogooutandmeetthem.’Thenexttimeshe
walkedtothewatercooler,sheputonherbrightestsmileandsaid,‘Hi,howare
youtoday’toeachofthepeopleshemet.Theeffectwasimmediate.Smilesand
hellos were returned, the hallway seemed brighter, the job friendlier.
Acquaintanceshipsdevelopedandsomeripenedintofriendships.Herjobandher
lifebecamemorepleasantandinteresting.
Peruse this bit of sage advice from the essayist and publisher Elbert
Hubbard–butremember,perusingitwon’tdoyouanygoodunlessyouapplyit:
Wheneveryougoout-of-doors,drawthechinin,carrythecrown
oftheheadhigh,andfillthelungstotheutmost;drinkinthesunshine;
greetyourfriendswithasmile,andputsoulintoeveryhandclasp.Do
notfearbeingmisunderstoodanddonotwasteaminutethinkingabout
yourenemies.Trytofixfirmlyinyourmindwhatyouwouldliketo
do;andthen,withoutveeringoffdirection,youwillmovestraightto
thegoal.Keepyourmindonthegreatandsplendidthingsyouwould
liketodo,andthen,asthedaysgoglidingaway,youwillfindyourself
unconsciouslyseizingupontheopportunitiesthatarerequiredforthe
fulfillment of your desire, just as the coral insect takes from the
running tide the element it needs. Picture in your mind the able,
earnest, useful person you desire to be, and the thought you hold is
hourlytransformingyouintothatparticularindividual...Thoughtis
supreme. Preserve a right mental attitude – the attitude of courage,
frankness, and good cheer. To think rightly is to create. All things
comethroughdesireandeverysincereprayerisanswered.Webecome
like that on which our hearts are fixed. Carry your chin in and the
crownofyourheadhigh.Wearegodsinthechrysalis.
TheancientChinesewereawiselot–wiseinthewaysoftheworld;andthey
hadaproverbthatyouandIoughttocutoutandpasteinsideourhats.Itgoes
likethis:‘Amanwithoutasmilingfacemustnotopenashop.’
Yoursmileisamessengerofyourgoodwill.Yoursmilebrightensthelives
ofallwhoseeit.Tosomeonewhohasseenadozenpeoplefrown,scowlorturn
their faces away, your smile is like the sun breaking through the clouds.
Especiallywhenthatsomeoneisunderpressurefromhisbosses,hiscustomers,
his teachers or parents or children, asmile can help him realise that allis not
hopeless–thatthereisjoyintheworld.
Someyearsago,adepartmentstoreinNewYorkCity,inrecognitionofthe
pressures its sales clerks were under during the Christmas rush, presented the
readersofitsadvertisementswiththefollowinghomelyphilosophy:
TheValueofaSmileatChristmas
Itcostsnothing,butcreatesmuch.
Itenrichesthosewhoreceive,withoutimpoverishingthosewhogive.It
happensinaflashandthememoryofitsometimeslastsforever.
Nonearesorichtheycangetalongwithoutit,andnonesopoorbutare
richerforitsbenefits.
Itcreateshappinessinthehome,fostersgoodwillinabusiness,andisthe
countersignoffriends.
Itisresttotheweary,daylighttothediscouraged,sunshinetothesad,and
Nature’sbestantidotefortrouble.
Yetitcannotbebought,begged,borrowed,orstolen,foritissomething
thatisnoearthlygoodtoanybodytillitisgivenaway.
Andifinthelast-minuterushofChristmasbuyingsomeofoursalespeople
shouldbetootiredtogiveyouasmile,mayweaskyoutoleaveoneof
yours?
Fornobodyneedsasmilesomuchasthosewhohavenonelefttogive!
PRINCIPLE2
Smile.
BACK IN 1898, a tragicthing happened inRockland County, New York. A child
haddied,andonthisparticulardaytheneighbourswerepreparingtogotothe
funeral.JimFarleywentouttothebarntohitchuphishorse.Thegroundwas
coveredwithsnow,theairwascoldandsnappy;thehorsehadn’tbeenexercised
for days, and as he was led out to the watering trough, he wheeled playfully,
kickedbothhisheelshighintheair,andkilledJimFarley.Sothelittlevillageof
StonyPointhadtwofuneralsthatweekinsteadofone.
Jim Farley left behind him a widow and three boys, and a few hundred
dollarsininsurance.
Hisoldestboy,Jim,wasten,andhewenttoworkinabrickyard,wheeling
sandandpouringitintothemouldsandturningthebrickonedgetobedriedby
thesun.ThisboyJimneverhadachancetogetmucheducation.Butwithhis
natural geniality, he had a flair for making people like him, so he went into
politics, and as the years went by, he developed an uncanny ability for
rememberingpeople’snames.
Heneversawtheinsideofahighschool;butbeforehewasforty-sixyears
of age, four colleges had honoured him with degrees and he had become
chairmanoftheDemocraticNationalCommitteeandPostmasterGeneralofthe
UnitedStates.
IonceinterviewedJimFarleyandaskedhimthesecretofhissuccess.He
said,‘Hardwork,’andIsaid,‘Don’tbefunny.’
HethenaskedmewhatIthoughtwasthereasonforhissuccess.Ireplied:‘I
understandyoucancalltenthousandpeoplebytheirfirstnames.’
‘No.Youarewrong,’hesaid.‘Icancallfiftythousandpeoplebytheirfirst
names.’
Makeno mistake about it. That abilityhelpedMr. Farley putFranklinD.
RooseveltintheWhiteHousewhenhemanagedRoosevelt’scampaignin1932.
During the years that Jim Farley travelled as a salesman for a gypsum
concern,andduringtheyearsthatheheldofficeastownclerkinStonyPoint,he
builtupasystemforrememberingnames.
In the beginning, it was a very simple one. Whenever he met a new
acquaintance,hefoundouthisorhercompletenameandsomefactsabouthisor
herfamily,businessandpoliticalopinions.Hefixedallthesefactswellinmind
aspartofthepicture,andthenexttimehemetthatperson,evenifitwasayear
later, he was able to shake hands, inquire after the family, and ask about the
hollyhocksinthebackyard.Nowonderhedevelopedafollowing!
For months before Roosevelt’s campaign for President began, Jim Farley
wrotehundredsoflettersadaytopeoplealloverthewesternandnorthwestern
states.Thenhehoppedontoatrainandinnineteendayscoveredtwentystates
andtwelvethousandmiles,travellingbybuggy,train,automobileandboat.He
woulddropintotowntomeethispeopleatlunchorbreakfast,teaordinner,and
givethema‘heart-to-hearttalk.’Thenhe’ddashoffagainonanotherlegofhis
journey.
Assoonas hearrivedbackEast,he wrotetooneperson ineachtownhe
hadvisited,askingforalistofallthegueststowhomhehadtalked.Thefinal
listcontainedthousandsandthousandsofnames:yeteachpersononthatlistwas
paid the subtle flattery of getting a personal letter from James Farley. These
lettersbegan‘DearBill’or‘DearJane,’andtheywerealwayssigned‘Jim.’
Jim Farley discovered early in life that the average person is more
interested in his or her own name than in all the other names on earth put
together.Rememberthatnameandcalliteasily,andyouhavepaidasubtleand
very effective compliment. But forget it or misspell it – and you have placed
yourself at a sharp disadvantage. For example, I once organised a public
speakingcourseinParisandsentformletterstoalltheAmericanresidentsinthe
city. French typists with apparently little knowledge of English filled in the
names and naturally they made blunders. One man, the manager of a large
AmericanbankinParis,wrotemeascathingrebukebecausehisnamehadbeen
misspelled.
Sometimes it is difficult to remember a name, particularly if it is hard to
pronounce. Rather than even try to learn it, many people ignore it or call the
person by an easy nickname. Sid Levy called on a customer for some time
whose name was Nicodemus Papadoulos. Most people just called him ‘Nick.’
Levy told us: ‘I made a special effort to say his name over several times to
myself before I made my call. When I greeted him by his full name: “Good
afternoon,Mr.NicodemusPapadoulos,”hewasshocked.Forwhatseemedlike
severalminutes there was no replyfromhimat all. Finally, he said with tears
rollingdown hischeeks,“Mr. Levy, inallthe fifteenyearsIhavebeeninthis
country,nobodyhasevermadetheefforttocallmebymyrightname.”’
WhatwasthereasonforAndrewCarnegie’ssuccess?
He was called the Steel King; yet he himself knew little about the
manufactureofsteel.Hehadhundredsofpeopleworkingforhimwhoknewfar
moreaboutsteelthanhedid.
Butheknewhowtohandlepeople,andthatiswhatmadehimrich.Earlyin
life,heshowedaflairfororganisation,ageniusforleadership.Bythetimehe
wasten,hetoohaddiscoveredtheastoundingimportancepeopleplaceontheir
ownname.Andheusedthatdiscoverytowincooperation.Toillustrate:When
hewasaboybackinScotland,hegotholdofarabbit,amotherrabbit.Presto!
Hesoonhadawholenestoflittlerabbits–andnothingtofeedthem.Buthehad
a brilliant idea. He told the boys and girls in the neighbourhood that if they
would go out and pull enough clover and dandelions to feed the rabbits, he
wouldnamethebunniesintheirhonour.
Theplanworkedlikemagic,andCarnegieneverforgotit.
Yearslater,hemademillionsbyusingthesamepsychologyinbusiness.For
example, he wanted to sell steel rails to the Pennsylvania Railroad. J. Edgar
Thomson was the president of the Pennsylvania Railroad then. So Andrew
CarnegiebuiltahugesteelmillinPittsburghandcalleditthe‘EdgarThomson
SteelWorks.’
Hereisariddle.Seeifyoucanguessit.WhenthePennsylvaniaRailroad
neededsteelrails,wheredoyousupposeJ.EdgarThomsonboughtthem?...
FromSears,Roebuck?No.No.You’rewrong.Guessagain.
When Carnegie and George Pullman were battling each other for
supremacy in the railroad sleeping-car business, the Steel King again
rememberedthelessonoftherabbits.
TheCentralTransportation Company, whichAndrewCarnegiecontrolled,
wasfightingwiththecompanythatPullmanowned.Bothwerestrugglingtoget
the sleeping-car business of the Union Pacific Railroad, bucking each other,
slashingprices,anddestroyingallchanceofprofit.BothCarnegieandPullman
had gone to New York to see the board of directors of the Union Pacific.
Meetingoneeveningin the St.NicholasHotel,Carnegiesaid: ‘Good evening,
Mr.Pullman,aren’twemakingacoupleoffoolsofourselves?’
‘Whatdoyoumean?’Pullmandemanded.
ThenCarnegieexpressedwhathehadonhismind–amergeroftheirtwo
interests.Hepicturedinglowingtermsthemutualadvantagesofworkingwith,
insteadofagainst,eachother.Pullmanlistenedattentively,buthewasnotwholly
convinced. Finally he asked, ‘What would you call the new company?’ and
Carnegierepliedpromptly:‘Why,thePullmanPalaceCarCompany,ofcourse.’
Pullman’s face brightened. ‘Come into my room,’ he said. ‘Let’s talk it
over.’Thattalkmadeindustrialhistory.
This policy of remembering and honouring the names of his friends and
businessassociateswasoneofthesecretsofAndrewCarnegie’sleadership.He
wasproudofthefactthathecouldcallmanyofhisfactoryworkersbytheirfirst
names, and he boasted that while he was personally in charge, no strike ever
disturbedhisflamingsteelmills.
BentonLove,chairmanofTexasCommerceBancshares, believes that the
bigger a corporationgets, the colder it becomes.‘One way to warm itup,’ he
said, ‘is to remember people’s names. The executive who tells me he can’t
remembernamesisatthesametimetellingmehecan’trememberasignificant
partofhisbusinessandisoperatingonquicksand.’
Karen Kirsch of Rancho Palos Verdes, California, a flight attendant for
TWA,madeitapracticetolearnthenamesofasmanypassengersinhercabin
as possible and use the name when serving them. This resulted in many
complimentsonherserviceexpressedbothtoherdirectlyandtotheairline.One
passenger wrote: ‘I haven’t flown TWA for some time, but I’m going to start
flyingnothingbut TWA from nowon.Youmakeme feelthatyourairline has
becomeaverypersonalisedairlineandthatisimportanttome.’
Peoplearesoproudoftheirnamesthattheystrivetoperpetuatethematany
cost.Evenblustering,hard-boiledoldP.T.Barnum,thegreatestshowmanofhis
time, disappointed because he had no sons to carry on his name, offered his
grandson, C.H. Seeley, $25,000 dollars if he would call himself ‘Barnum’
Seeley.
Formanycenturies,noblesandmagnatessupportedartists,musiciansand
authorssothattheircreativeworkswouldbededicatedtothem.
Librariesandmuseumsowetheirrichestcollectionstopeoplewhocannot
bear to think that their names might perishfrom the memory of therace. The
NewYorkPublicLibraryhasitsAstorandLenoxcollections.TheMetropolitan
Museum perpetuates the names of Benjamin Altman and J.P. Morgan. And
nearlyeverychurchisbeautifiedbystained-glasswindowscommemoratingthe
namesoftheirdonors.Manyofthebuildingsonthecampusofmostuniversities
bearthenamesofdonorswhocontributedlargesumsofmoneyforthishonour.
Mostpeopledon’tremembernames,forthesimplereasonthattheydon’t
take the time and energy necessary to concentrate and repeat and fix names
indeliblyintheirminds.Theymakeexcusesforthemselves;theyaretoobusy.
ButtheywereprobablynobusierthanFranklinD.Roosevelt,andhetook
timetorememberandrecalleventhenamesofmechanicswithwhomhecame
intocontact.
To illustrate: The Chrysler organisation built a special car for Mr.
Roosevelt, who could not use a standard car because his legs were paralysed.
W.F. Chamberlain and a mechanic delivered it to the White House. I have in
front of me a letter from Mr. Chamberlain relating his experiences. ‘I taught
President Roosevelt how tohandle a car witha lot ofunusual gadgets, but he
taughtmealotaboutthefineartofhandlingpeople.
‘WhenIcalledattheWhiteHouse,’Mr.Chamberlainwrites,‘thePresident
wasextremelypleasantandcheerful.Hecalledmebyname,mademefeelvery
comfortable, and particularly impressed me with the fact that he was vitally
interestedinthingsIhadtoshowhimandtellhim.Thecarwassodesignedthat
it could be operatedentirely by hand. A crowdgathered around tolook at the
car;andheremarked:“Ithinkitismarvellous.Allyouhavetodoistotoucha
buttonanditmovesawayandyoucandriveitwithouteffort.Ithinkitisgrand–
Idon’tknowwhatmakesitgo.I’dlovetohavethetimetotearitdownandsee
howitworks.”
‘WhenRoosevelt’sfriendsandassociatesadmiredthemachine,hesaidin
theirpresence:“Mr. Chamberlain,I certainly appreciate all the time and effort
youhavespentindevelopingthiscar.Itisamightyfinejob.”Headmiredthe
radiator,thespecialrear-visionmirrorandclock,thespecialspotlight,thekind
ofupholstery,thesittingpositionofthedriver’sseat,thespecialsuitcasesinthe
trunk with his monogram on each suitcase. In other words, he took notice of
everydetailtowhichheknewIhadgivenconsiderablethought.Hemadeapoint
ofbringingthesevariouspiecesofequipmenttotheattentionofMrs.Roosevelt,
MissPerkins,theSecretaryofLabour,andhissecretary.Heevenbroughttheold
White House porter into the picture by saying, “George, you want to take
particularlygoodcareofthesuitcases.”
‘Whenthedrivinglessonwasfinished,thePresidentturnedtomeandsaid:
“Well,Mr.Chamberlain,IhavebeenkeepingtheFederalReserveBoardwaiting
thirtyminutes.IguessIhadbettergetbacktowork.”
‘I took a mechanic with me to the White House. He was introduced to
Rooseveltwhenhearrived.Hedidn’ttalktothePresident,andRooseveltheard
his name only once. He was a shy chap, and he kept in the background. But
beforeleavingus,thePresidentlookedforthemechanic,shookhishand,called
him by name, and thanked him for coming to Washington. And there was
nothingperfunctoryabouthisthanks.Hemeantwhathesaid.Icouldfeelthat.
‘AfewdaysafterreturningtoNewYork,Igotanautographedphotograph
of President Roosevelt and a little note of thanks again expressing his
appreciationformyassistance.Howhefoundtimetodoitisamysterytome.’
Franklin D. Roosevelt knew that one of the simplest, most obvious and
most important ways of gaining good will was by remembering names and
makingpeoplefeelimportant–yethowmanyofusdoit?
Halfthetime weareintroducedto a stranger,wechata fewminutesand
can’tevenrememberhisorhernamebythetimewesaygoodbye.
Oneofthefirstlessonsapoliticianlearnsisthis:‘Torecallavoter’sname
isstatesmanship.Toforgetitisoblivion.’
Andtheabilitytoremembernamesisalmostasimportantinbusinessand
socialcontactsasitisinpolitics.
NapoleontheThird,EmperorofFranceandnephewofthegreatNapoleon,
boastedthatinspiteofallhisroyaldutieshecouldrememberthenameofevery
personhemet.
His technique? Simple.If he didn’t hear the namedistinctly, hesaid, ‘So
sorry.Ididn’tgetthenameclearly.’Then,ifitwasanunusualname,hewould
say,‘Howisitspelled?’
During the conversation, he took the trouble to repeat the name several
times,andtriedtoassociateitinhismindwiththeperson’sfeatures,expression
andgeneralappearance.
Ifthepersonwassomeoneofimportance,Napoleonwenttoevenfurther
pains.AssoonasHisRoyalHighnesswasalone,hewrotethenamedownona
pieceofpaper,lookedatit,concentratedonit,fixeditsecurelyinhismind,and
thentoreupthepaper.Inthisway,hegainedaneyeimpressionofthenameas
wellasanearimpression.
All this takes time, but ‘Good manners,’ said Emerson, ‘are made up of
pettysacrifices.’
Theimportanceofrememberingandusingnamesisnotjusttheprerogative
of kings and corporate executives. It works for all of us. Ken Nottingham, an
employee of General Motors in Indiana, usually had lunch at the company
cafeteria.Henoticedthatthewomanwhoworkedbehindthecounteralwayshad
ascowlonherface.‘ShehadbeenmakingsandwichesforabouttwohoursandI
wasjustanothersandwichtoher.ItoldherwhatIwanted.Sheweighedoutthe
hamonalittlescale,thenshegavemeoneleafoflettuce,afewpotatochipsand
handedthemtome.
‘Thenextday I wentthroughthesameline. Samewoman,samescowl. I
smiled and said, “Hello, Eunice,” and then told her what I wanted. Well, she
forgotthescale,piledontheham,gavemethreeleavesoflettuceandheapedon
thepotatochipsuntiltheyfellofftheplate.’
Weshouldbeawareofthemagiccontainedinanameandrealisethatthis
singleitemiswholly and completely owned by the person with whomweare
dealing...andnobodyelse.
Thenamesetstheindividualapart;itmakeshimorheruniqueamongall
others.Theinformationweareimpartingortherequestwearemakingtakeson
a special importance when we approach the situation with the name of the
individual.Fromthewaitresstotheseniorexecutive,thenamewillworkmagic
aswedealwithothers.
PRINCIPLE3
Rememberthataperson’snameistothatpersonthesweetestandmost
importantsoundinanylanguage.
SOMETIMEAGO,Iattendedabridgeparty.Idon’tplaybridge–andtherewasa
womantherewhodidn’tplaybridgeeither.ShehaddiscoveredthatIhadonce
been Lowell Thomas’s manager before he went on the radio and that I had
travelledinEuropeagreatdealwhilehelpinghimpreparetheillustratedtravel
talkshewasthendelivering.Soshesaid:‘Oh,Mr.Carnegie,Idowantyouto
tellmeaboutallthewonderfulplacesyouhavevisitedandthesightsyouhave
seen.’
As we sat down on the sofa, she remarked that she and her husband had
recentlyreturnedfromatriptoAfrica.‘Africa!’Iexclaimed.‘Howinteresting!
I’vealwayswantedtoseeAfrica,butInevergotthereexceptforatwenty-four-
hour stay once in Algiers. Tell me, did you visit the big-game country? Yes?
Howfortunate.Ienvyyou.DotellmeaboutAfrica.’
That kept her talking for forty-five minutes. She never again asked me
whereIhadbeenorwhatIhadseen.Shedidn’twanttohearmetalkaboutmy
travels.Allshewantedwasaninterestedlistener,soshecouldexpandherego
andtellaboutwhereshehadbeen.
Wassheunusual?No.Manypeoplearelikethat.
For example, I met a distinguished botanist at a dinner party given by a
NewYorkbookpublisher.Ihadnevertalkedwithabotanistbefore,andIfound
him fascinating. I literally sat on the edge of my chair and listened while he
spokeofexoticplantsandexperimentsindevelopingnewformsofplantlifeand
indoorgardens(andeventoldmeastonishingfactsaboutthehumblepotato).I
hadasmallindoorgardenofmyown–andhewasgoodenoughtotellmehow
tosolvesomeofmyproblems.
AsIsaid,wewereatadinnerparty.Theremusthavebeenadozenother
guests, but I violated all the canons of courtesy, ignored everyone else, and
talkedforhourstothebotanist.
Midnight came. I said good night to everyone and departed.The botanist
thenturnedtoourhostandpaidmeseveralflatteringcompliments.Iwas‘most
stimulating.’ I was this and I was that, and he ended by saying I was a‘most
interestingconversationalist.’
Aninterestingconversationalist?Why,Ihadsaidhardly anythingatall.I
couldn’thavesaidanythingifIhadwantedtowithoutchangingthesubject,forI
didn’tknowanymoreaboutbotanythanIknewabouttheanatomyofapenguin.
But I had done this: I had listened intently. I had listened because I was
genuinely interested. And he felt it. Naturally that pleased him. That kind of
listening is one of the highest compliments we can pay anyone. ‘Few human
beings,’wroteJackWoodfordinStrangersinLove,‘fewhumanbeingsareproof
againsttheimpliedflatteryofraptattention.’Iwentevenfurtherthangivinghim
raptattention.Iwas‘heartyinmyapprobationandlavishinmypraise.’
ItoldhimthatIhadbeenimmenselyentertainedandinstructed–andIhad.
ItoldhimIwishedIhadhisknowledge–andIdid.ItoldhimthatIshouldlove
towanderthefieldswithhim–andIhave.ItoldhimImustseehimagain–and
Idid.
And so I had him thinking of me as a good conversationalist when, in
reality,Ihadbeenmerelyagoodlistenerandhadencouragedhimtotalk.
What is thesecret, the mystery, of a successful business interview?Well,
according to former Harvard president Charles W. Eliot,‘There is no mystery
aboutsuccessfulbusinessintercourse...Exclusiveattentiontothepersonwho
isspeakingtoyouisveryimportant.Nothingelseissoflatteringasthat.’
Eliothimselfwasapastmasteroftheartoflistening.HenryJames,oneof
America’s first great novelists, recalled: ‘Dr. Eliot’s listening was not mere
silence, but a form of activity. Sitting very erect on the end of his spine with
handsjoinedinhislap,makingnomovementexceptthatherevolvedhisthumbs
around each other faster orslower, hefacedhis interlocutor and seemedtobe
hearing with his eyes as well as his ears. He listened with his mind and
attentivelyconsideredwhatyouhadtosaywhileyousaidit...Attheendofan
interviewthepersonwhohadtalkedtohimfeltthathehadhadhissay.’
Self-evident,isn’tit?Youdon’thavetostudyforfouryearsinHarvardto
discoverthat.YetIknowandyouknowdepartmentstoreownerswhowillrent
expensivespace,buytheirgoodseconomically,dresstheirwindowsappealingly,
spendthousandsofdollarsinadvertisingandthenhireclerkswhohaven’t the
sense to be good listeners – clerks who interrupt customers, contradict them,
irritatethem,andallbutdrivethemfromthestore.
A department store in Chicago almost lost a regular customer who spent
severalthousand dollars each year in thatstorebecauseasalesclerk wouldn’t
listen.MrsHenriettaDouglas,whotookourcourseinChicago,hadpurchaseda
coatataspecialsale.Aftershehadbroughtithomeshenoticedthattherewasa
tear in the lining. She came back the next day and asked the sales clerk to
exchangeit.Theclerkrefusedeventolistentohercomplaint.‘Youboughtthis
at a specialsale,’ she said. She pointedto a sign on the wall. ‘Read that,’ she
exclaimed.‘“Allsalesarefinal.”Onceyouboughtit,youhavetokeepit.Sew
uptheliningyourself.’
‘Butthiswasdamagedmerchandise,’MrsDouglascomplained.
‘Makesnodifference,’theclerkinterrupted.‘Final’sfinal.’
MrsDouglaswasabouttowalkoutindignantly,swearingnevertoreturnto
thatstoreever,whenshewasgreetedbythedepartmentmanager,whoknewher
fromhermanyyearsofpatronage.MrsDouglastoldherwhathadhappened.
Themanagerlistenedattentivelytothewholestory,examinedthecoatand
thensaid:‘Specialsalesare“final”sowecandisposeofmerchandiseattheend
oftheseason.Butthis“noreturn”policydoesnotapplytodamagedgoods.We
willcertainlyrepairorreplacethelining,orifyouprefer,giveyouyourmoney
back.’
What a difference in treatment! If that manager had not come along and
listened to thecustomer, along-term patron ofthat store couldhave been lost
forever.
Listeningisjustasimportantinone’shomelifeasintheworldofbusiness.
MillieEspositoofCroton-on-Hudson,NewYork,madeitherbusinesstolisten
carefullywhen oneofherchildrenwantedtospeakwithher.Oneeveningshe
was sitting in thekitchen with her son,Robert, and aftera brief discussion of
somethingthat wasonhismind,Robertsaid: ‘Mom,Iknow thatyoulove me
verymuch.’
Mrs.Espositowastouchedandsaid:‘OfcourseIloveyouverymuch.Did
youdoubtit?’
Robertresponded:‘No,butIreallyknowyoulovemebecausewheneverI
wanttotalktoyouaboutsomethingyoustopwhateveryouaredoingandlisten
tome.’
Thechronickicker,eventhemostviolentcritic,willfrequentlysoftenand
besubduedinthepresenceofapatient,sympatheticlistener–alistenerwhowill
besilentwhiletheiratefaultfinderdilateslikeakingcobraandspewsthepoison
outofhissystem.Toillustrate:TheNewYorkTelephoneCompanydiscovereda
few years agothat it hadto deal withone of themost vicious customerswho
evercursedacustomerservicerepresentative.Andhedidcurse.Heraved.He
threatenedtotearthephoneoutbyitsroots.Herefusedtopaycertaincharges
that he declared were false. He wrote letters to the newspapers. He filed
innumerable complaints with the Public Service Commission, and he started
severalsuitsagainstthetelephonecompany.
At last, one of the company’s most skilful ‘troubleshooters’ was sent to
interview this stormy petrel. This ‘troubleshooter’ listened and let the
cantakerous customer enjoy himself pouring out his tirade. The telephone
representativelistenedandsaid‘yes’andsympathisedwithhisgrievance.
‘HeravedonandIlistenedfornearlythreehours,’the‘troubleshooter’said
as he related his experiences before one of the author’s classes. ‘Then I went
backandlistenedsomemore.Iinterviewedhimfourtimes,andbeforethefourth
visitwasoverIhadbecomeachartermemberofanorganisationhewasstarting.
He called it the “Telephone Subscribers” Protective Association.’ I am still a
memberofthisorganisation,and,sofarasIknow,I’mtheonlymemberinthe
worldtodaybesidesMr.–.
‘I listened and sympathised with him on every point that he had made
duringtheseinterviews.Hehadneverhadatelephone representativetalkwith
himthatwaybefore,andhebecamealmostfriendly.ThepointonwhichIwent
toseehimwasnotevenmentionedonthefirstvisit,norwasitmentionedonthe
secondorthird,butuponthefourthinterview,Iclosedthecasecompletely,he
paidallhisbillsinfull,andforthefirsttimeinthehistoryofhisdifficultieswith
thetelephonecompanyhevoluntarilywithdrewhiscomplaintsfromthePublic
ServiceCommission.’
Doubtless Mr. – had considered himself a holy crusader, defending the
public rights against callous exploitation. But in reality, what he had really
wantedwasafeelingofimportance.Hegotthisfeelingofimportanceatfirstby
kickingandcomplaining.Butassoonashegothisfeelingofimportancefroma
representativeofthecompany,hisimaginedgrievancesvanishedintothinair.
Onemorningyearsago,anangrycustomerstormedintotheofficeofJulian
F. Detmer, founder of the Detmer Woollen Company, which later became the
world’slargestdistributorofwoollenstothetailoringtrade.
‘Thismanowed us a small sum of money,’ Mr. Detmer explained to me.
‘Thecustomerdeniedit,butweknewhewaswrong.Soourcreditdepartment
had insisted that he pay. After getting a number of letters from our credit
department, he packed his grip, made a trip to Chicago, and hurried into my
officetoinformmenotonlythathewasnotgoingtopaythatbill,butthathe
was never going to buy another dollar’s worth of goods from the Detmer
WoollenCompany.
‘I listened patiently to allhe had to say. I was temptedto interrupt, but I
realisedthatwouldbebadpolicy.SoIlethimtalkhimselfout.Whenhefinally
simmereddownandgotinareceptivemood,Isaidquietly:“Iwanttothankyou
forcomingtoChicagototellmeaboutthis.Youhavedonemeagreatfavour,
for if our credit department has annoyed you, it may annoy other good
customers,andthatwouldbejusttoobad.Believeme,Iamfarmoreeagerto
hearthisthanyouaretotellit.”
‘Thatwasthelastthingintheworldheexpectedmetosay.Ithinkhewasa
trifledisappointed,because hehadcometo Chicagototellmea thingortwo,
but here I was thanking him instead of scrapping with him. I assured him we
wouldwipethechargeoffthebooksandforgetit,becausehewasaverycareful
man with only one account to look after, while our clerks had to look after
thousands.Therefore,hewaslesslikelytobewrongthanwewere.
‘ItoldhimthatIunderstoodexactlyhowhefeltandthat,ifIwereinhis
shoes,I should undoubtedly feel precisely as he did. Sincehewasn’t going to
buyfromusanymore,Irecommendedsomeotherwoollenhouses.
‘Inthepast,wehadusuallylunchedtogetherwhenhecametoChicago,soI
invitedhimto havelunchwithmethis day.Heacceptedreluctantly,butwhen
wecamebacktotheofficeheplacedalargerorderthaneverbefore.Hereturned
homeinasoftenedmoodand,wantingtobejustasfairwithusaswehadbeen
withhim,lookedoverhisbills,foundonehadbeenmislaid,andsentusacheque
withhisapologies.
‘Later,whenhiswifepresentedhimwithababyboy,hegavehissonthe
middle name of Detmer, and he remained a friend and customer of the house
untilhisdeathtwenty-twoyearsafterwards.’
Yearsago,apoorDutchimmigrantboywashedthewindowsofabakery
shop after school to help support his family. His people were so poor that in
additionheusedtogooutinthestreetwithabasketeverydayandcollectstray
bits of coal that had fallen in the gutter where the coal wagons had delivered
fuel.Thatboy,EdwardBok,nevergotmorethansixyearsofschoolinginhis
life;yeteventuallyhemadehimselfoneofthemostsuccessfulmagazineeditors
inthehistoryofAmericanjournalism.Howdidhedoit?Thatisalongstory,but
howhegothisstartcanbetoldbriefly.Hegothisstartbyusingtheprinciplesin
thischapter.
Heleftschoolwhenhewasthirteen,andbecameanofficeboyforWestern
Union,buthedidn’tforonemomentgiveuptheideaofaneducation.Instead,
hestartedtoeducatehimself.Hesavedhiscarfaresandwentwithoutlunchuntil
hehadenoughmoneytobuyanencyclopediaofAmericanbiography–andthen
hedidanunheard-ofthing.Hereadthelivesoffamouspeopleandwrotethem
askingforadditionalinformationabouttheirchildhoods.Hewasagoodlistener.
Heaskedfamouspeopletotellhimmoreaboutthemselves.HewroteGeneral
JamesA.Garfield,whowasthenrunningforPresident,andaskedifitwastrue
thathewasonceatowboyonacanal;andGarfieldreplied.HewroteGeneral
Grantaskingaboutacertainbattle,andGrantdrewamapforhimandinvited
thisfourteen-year-oldboytodinnerandspenttheeveningtalkingtohim.
SoonourWesternUnionmessengerboywascorrespondingwithmanyof
the most famous people in the nation: Ralph Waldo Emerson, Oliver Wendell
Holmes, Longfellow, Mrs. Abraham Lincoln, Louisa May Alcott, General
Sherman and Jefferson Davis. Not only did he correspond with these
distinguishedpeople,butassoonashegotavacation,hevisitedmanyofthem
as a welcome guest in their homes. This experience imbued him with a
confidencethatwasinvaluable.Thesemenandwomenfiredhimwithavision
andambitionthatshapedhislife.Andallthis,letmerepeat,wasmadepossible
solelybytheapplicationoftheprincipleswearediscussinghere.
Isaac F. Marcosson, a journalist who interviewed hundreds of celebrities,
declared that many people fail to make a favourable impression because they
don’tlistenattentively.‘Theyhavebeensomuchconcernedwithwhattheyare
goingtosaynextthattheydonotkeeptheirearsopen...Veryimportantpeople
have told me that they prefer good listeners to good talkers, but the ability to
listenseemsrarerthanalmostanyothergoodtrait.’
Andnotonlyimportantpersonagescraveagoodlistener,butordinaryfolk
dotoo.AstheReaders’sDigestoncesaid:‘Manypersonscalladoctorwhenall
theywantisanaudience.’
DuringthedarkesthoursoftheCivilWar,Lincolnwrotetoanoldfriendin
Springfield, Illinois, asking him to come to Washington. Lincoln said he had
someproblemshewantedtodiscusswithhim.Theoldneighbourcalledatthe
White House, and Lincoln talked to him for hours about the advisability of
issuingaproclamationfreeingtheslaves.Lincolnwentoverallthearguments
forandagainstsuchamove,andthenreadlettersandnewspaperarticles,some
denouncinghimfornotfreeingtheslavesandothersdenouncinghimforfearhe
wasgoingtofreethem.Aftertalkingforhours,Lincolnshookhandswithhisold
neighbour,saidgoodnight,andsenthimbacktoIllinoiswithoutevenaskingfor
hisopinion.Lincolnhaddoneallthetalkinghimself.Thatseemedtoclarifyhis
mind. ‘He seemed to feel easier after that talk,’ the old friend said. Lincoln
hadn’twantedadvice.Hehadwantedmerelyafriendly,sympatheticlistenerto
whom he could unburden himself. That’s what we all want when we are in
trouble.Thatisfrequentlyalltheirritatedcustomerwants,andthedissatisfied
employeeorthehurtfriend.
OneofthegreatlistenersofmoderntimeswasSigmundFreud.Amanwho
metFreuddescribedhismanneroflistening.‘ItstruckmesoforciblythatIshall
never forget him. He had qualities which I had never seen in any other man.
Never had I seen such concentrated attention. There was none of the piercing
“soulpenetratinggaze”business.Hiseyesweremildandgenial.Hisvoicewas
low and kind. His gestures were few. But the attention he gave me, his
appreciationofwhatIsaid,evenwhenIsaiditbadly,wasextraordinary.You’ve
noideawhatitmeanttobelistenedtolikethat.’
Ifyouwanttoknowhowtomakepeopleshunyouandlaughatyoubehind
yourbackandevendespiseyou,hereistherecipe:Neverlistentoanyone for
long.Talkincessantlyaboutyourself.Ifyouhaveanideawhiletheotherperson
istalking,don’twaitforhimorhertofinish:bustrightinandinterruptinthe
middleofasentance.
Doyouknowpeoplelikethat?Ido,unfortunately;andtheastonishingpart
ofitisthatsomeofthemareprominent.
Bores, that is all they are – bores intoxicated with their own egos, drunk
withasenseoftheirownimportance.
Peoplewhotalkonly of themselvesthinkonlyofthemselves. And ‘those
people who think only of themselves,’ Dr. Nicholas Murray Butley, longtime
presidentofColumbiaUniversity,said,‘arehopelesslyuneducated.Theyarenot
educated,’saidDr.Butler,‘nomatterhowinstructedtheymaybe.’
Soifyouaspiretobeagoodconversationalist,beanattentivelistener.To
be interesting, be interested. Ask questions that other persons will enjoy
answering.Encouragethemtotalkaboutthemselvesandtheiraccomplishments.
Remember that the people you are talking to are a hundred times more
intested in themselves and their wants and problems than they are in you and
yourproblems.Aperson’stoothachemeansmoretothatpersonthanafaminein
Chinawhichkillsamillionpeople.Aboilonone’sneckinterestsonemorethan
fortyearthquakesinAfrica.Thinkofthatthenexttimeyoustartaconversation.
PRINCIPLE4
Beagoodlistener.
Encourageotherstotalkaboutthemselves.
EVERYONE WHO WASeveraguestofTheodoreRooseveltwasastonishedatthe
range and diversity of his knowledge. Whether his visitor was a cowboy or a
RoughRider,aNewYorkpoliticianoradiplomat,Rooseveltknewwhattosay.
Andhowwasitdone?Theanswerwassimple.WheneverRooseveltexpecteda
visitor, he sat up late the night before, reading up on the subject in which he
knewhisguestwasparticularlyinterested.
ForRooseveltknew,asallleadersknow,thattheroyalroadtoaperson’s
heartistotalkaboutthethingsheorshetreasuresmost.
ThegenialWilliamLyonPhelps,essayistandprofessorofliteratureatYale,
learnedthislessonearlyinlife.
‘WhenIwaseightyearsoldandwasspendingaweekendvisitingmyAunt
LibbyLinsleyatherhomeinStratfordontheHousatonic,’hewroteinhisessay
on Human Nature, ‘a middle-aged man called one evening, and after a polite
skirmishwithmyaunt,hedevotedhisattentiontome.Atthattime,Ihappened
to be excited about boats, and the visitor discussed the subject in a way that
seemed particularlyinteresting. After he left, I spoke of him with enthusiasm.
Whata man! My aunt informed mehewasaNew York lawyer, that he cared
nothing whatever about boats – that he took not the slightest interest in the
subject.“Butwhythendidhetalkallthetimeaboutboats?”
‘“Becauseheisagentleman.Hesawyouwereinterestedinboats,andhe
talkedaboutthethingsheknewwouldinterestandpleaseyou.Hemadehimself
agreeable.”’
AndWilliamLyonPhelpsadded:‘Ineverforgotmyaunt’sremark.’
As I write this chapter, I have beforeme a letter from Edward L. Chalif,
whowasactiveinBoyScoutwork.
‘One day I found I needed a favor,’ wrote Mr. Chalif. ‘A big Scout
jamboree was comingoffin Europe, andI wanted the president ofone of the
largestcorporationsinAmericatopaytheexpensesofoneofmyboysforthe
trip.
‘Fortunately,justbeforeIwenttoseethisman,Iheardthathehaddrawna
chequeforamilliondollars,andthatafteritwascancelled,hehaditframed.
‘So the first thing I did when I entered his office was to ask to see the
cheque.Achequeforamilliondollars!ItoldhimIneverknewthatanybodyhad
everwrittensuchacheque,andthatIwantedtotellmyboysthatIhadactually
seenachequeforamilliondollars.Hegladlyshowedittome;Iadmireditand
askedhimtotellmeallabouthowithappenedtobedrawn.’
Younotice,don’tyou,thatMr.Chalifdidn’tbeginbytalkingabouttheBoy
Scouts,orthejamboreeinEurope,orwhatitwashewanted?Hetalkedinterms
ofwhatinterestedtheotherman.Here’stheresult:
‘Presently,themanIwasinterviewingsaid:“Oh,bytheway,whatwasit
youwantedtoseemeabout?”SoItoldhim.
‘To my vast surprise,’ Mr. Chalif continues, ‘he not only granted
immediatelywhatIaskedfor,butmuchmore.Ihadaskedhimtosendonlyone
boytoEurope,buthesentfiveboysandmyself,gavemealetterofcreditfora
thousanddollarsandtoldustostayinEuropeforsevenweeks.Healsogaveme
lettersofintroductiontohisbranchpresidents,puttingthematourservice,and
hehimselfmetusinParisandshowedusthetown.Sincethen,hehasgivenjobs
to some of the boys whose parents were in want, and he is still active in our
group.
‘Yet I know ifI hadn’tfoundout what he wasinterestedin, and gothim
warmedupfirst,Iwouldn’thavefoundhimone-tenthaseasytoapproach.’
Isthisavaluabletechniquetouseinbusiness?Isit?Let’ssee.TakeHenry
G.DuvernoyofDuvernoyandSons,awholesalebakingfirminNewYork.
Mr.DuvernoyhadbeentryingtosellbreadtoacertainNewYorkhotel.He
hadcalledonthemanagereveryweekforfouryears.Hewenttothesamesocial
affairsthemanagerattended.Heeventookroomsinthehotelandlivedtherein
ordertogetthebusiness.Buthefailed.
‘Then,’ said Mr. Duvernoy, ‘after studying human relations, I resolved to
changemytactics.Idecidedtofindoutwhatinterestedthisman–whatcaught
hisenthusiasm.
‘IdiscoveredhebelongedtoasocietyofhotelexecutivescalledtheHotel
Greeters of America. He not only belonged, but his bubbling enthusiasm had
made him president of the organisation, and the president of the International
Greeters.Nomatterwhereitsconventionswereheld,hewouldbethere.
‘SowhenIsawhimthenextday,IbegantalkingabouttheGreeters.Whata
response I got. What a response! He talked to me for half an hour about the
Greeters,histonesvibrantwithenthusiasm.Icouldplainlyseethatthissociety
wasnotonlyhishobby,itwasthepassionofhislife.BeforeIlefthisoffice,he
had“sold”meamembershipinhisorganisation.
‘Inthemeantime,Ihadsaidnothingaboutbread.Butafewdayslater,the
stewardofhishotelphonedmetocomeoverwithsamplesandprices.
‘“Idon’tknowwhatyoudidtotheoldboy,”thestewardgreetedme,“but
hesureissoldonyou!”
‘Thinkofit!Ihadbeendrummingatthatmanforfouryears–tryingtoget
his business – and I’d still be drumming at him if I hadn’t finally taken the
troubletofindoutwhathewasinterestedin,andwhatheenjoyedtalkingabout.’
Edward E. Harriman of Hagerstown, Maryland, chose to live in the
beautiful Cumberland valley of Maryland after he completed his military
service.Unfortunately,atthattimetherewerefewjobsavailableinthearea.A
littleresearchuncoveredthefactthat a number of companies intheareawere
either owned or controlled by an unusual businessmaverick, R.J. Funkhouser,
whose rise from poverty to riches intrigued Mr. Harriman. However, he was
knownforbeinginaccessibletojobseekers.Mr.Harrimanwrote:
‘I interviewed a number of people and found that his major interest was
anchored in his drive for power and money. Since he protected himself from
peoplelikemebyuseofadedicatedandsternsecretary,Istudiedherinterests
andgoalsandonlythenIpaidanunannouncedvisitatheroffice.Shehadbeen
Mr.Funkhouser’sorbitingsatelliteforaboutfifteenyears.WhenItoldherIhad
a proposition for him which might translate itself into financial and political
success for him, she became enthused. I also conversed with her about her
constructiveparticipationinhissuccess.Afterthisconversationshearrangedfor
metomeetMr.Funkhouser.
‘Ienteredhishugeandimpressiveofficedeterminednottoaskdirectlyfor
a job. He was seated behind a large carved desk and thundered at me, “How
aboutit,youngman?”Isaid,“Mr.Funkhouser,IbelieveIcanmakemoneyfor
you.”Heimmediatelyroseandinvitedmetositinoneofthelargeupholstered
chairs.IenumeratedmyideasandthequalificationsIhadtorealisetheseideas,
as well as how they would contribute to his personal success and that of his
businesses.
‘“R.J.,”ashebecameknowntome,hiredmeatonceandforovertwenty
yearsIhavegrowninhisenterprisesandwebothhaveprospered.’
Talking in terms of the other person’s interests pays off for both parties.
HowardZ.Herzig,aleaderinthefieldofemployeecommunications,hasalways
followed this principle. When asked what reward he got from it, Mr. Herzig
respondedthathenotonlyreceivedadifferentrewardfromeachpersonbutthat
ingeneraltherewardhadbeenanenlargementofhislifeeachtimehespoketo
someone.
PRINCIPLE5
Talkintermsoftheotherperson’sinterests.
IWASWAITINGinlinetoregisteraletterinthepostofficeatThirty-thirdStreet
andEighthAvenueinNewYork.Inoticedthattheclerkappearedtobebored
withthejob–weighingenvelopes,handingoutstamps,makingchange,issuing
receipts–thesamemonotonousgrindyearafteryear.SoIsaidtomyself:‘Iam
goingtotrytomakethatclerklikeme.Obviouslytomakehimlikeme,Imust
saysomethingnice,notaboutmyself,butabouthim.SoIaskedmyself,“What
is there about him that I can honestly admire?” ’ That is sometimes a hard
questiontoanswer,especiallywithstrangers;but,inthiscase,ithappenedtobe
easy.IinstantlysawsomethingIadmirednoend.
So while he was weighing my envelope, I remarked with enthusiasm: I
wishIhadyourheadofhair.’
Helookedup,half-startled,hisfacebeamingwithsmiles.‘Well,itisn’tas
good as it used to be,’ he said modestly. I assured him that although it might
havelostsomeofitspristineglory,neverthelessitwasstillmagnificent.Hewas
immenselypleased.Wecarriedonapleasantlittleconversationandthelastthing
hesaidtomewas:‘Manypeoplehaveadmiredmyhair.’
I’llbetthatpersonwenttolunchthatdaywalkingonair.I’llbethewent
homethatnightandtold hiswifeaboutit.I’llbethelookedinthemirrorand
said:‘Itisabeautifulheadofhair.’
Itoldthisstoryonceinpublicandamanaskedmeafterwards:‘Whatdid
youwanttogetoutofhim?’
WhatwasItryingtogetoutofhim!!!WhatwasItryingtogetoutofhim!!!
Ifwearesocontemptiblyselfishthatwecan’tradiatealittlehappinessand
passonabitofhonestappreciationwithouttryingtoget somethingoutofthe
otherpersoninreturn–ifoursoulsarenobiggerthansourcrabapples,weshall
meetwiththefailurewesorichlydeserve.
Oh yes, I did want something out of that chap. I wanted something
priceless. And I got it. I got the feeling that I had done something for him
withouthisbeingabletodoanythingwhateverinreturnforme.Thatisafeeling
thatflowsandsingsinyourmemorylongaftertheincidentispast.
Thereisoneall-importantlawofhumanconduct.Ifweobeythatlaw,we
shall almost never get into trouble. In fact, that law, if obeyed, will bring us
countlessfriendsandconstanthappiness.Buttheveryinstantwebreakthelaw,
weshallgetintoendlesstrouble.Thelawisthis:Alwaysmaketheotherperson
feelimportant.JohnDewey,aswehavealreadynoted,saidthatthedesiretobe
important is the deepest urge in human nature; and William James said: ‘The
deepest principle in human nature is thecraving to be appreciated.’ As I have
alreadypointed out, it is thisurge thatdifferentiates us from theanimals.Itis
thisurgethathasbeenresponsibleforcivilisationitself.
Philosophershavebeenspeculatingontherulesofhumanrelationshipsfor
thousandsofyears,andoutofallthatspeculation, there has evolved onlyone
importantprecept.Itisnotnew.Itisasoldashistory.Zoroastertaughtittohis
followers in Persia twenty-five hundred years ago. Confucius preached it in
Chinatwenty-fourcenturiesago.Lao-tse,thefounderofTaoism,taughtittohis
disciplesintheValleyoftheHan.BuddhapreacheditonthebankoftheHoly
GangesfivehundredyearsbeforeChrist.ThesacredbooksofHinduismtaught
itamongthestonyhillsofJudeanineteencenturiesago.Jesussummeditupin
onethought–probablythemostimportantruleintheworld:‘Dountoothersas
youwouldhaveothersdountoyou.’
Youwanttheapprovalofthosewithwhomyoucomeincontact.Youwant
recognitionofyourtrueworth.Youwantafeelingthatyouareimportantinyour
littleworld.Youdon’twanttolistentocheap,insincereflattery,butyoudocrave
sincere appreciation. You want your friends and associates to be, as Charles
Schwabputit,‘heartyintheirapprobationandlavishintheirpraise.’Allofus
wantthat.
Solet’s obeytheGoldenRule,and giveuntootherswhatwe wouldhave
othersgiveuntous.
How?When?Where?Theansweris:Allthetime,everywhere.
DavidG.SmithofEauClaire,Wisconsin,toldoneofourclasseshowhe
handledadelicatesituationwhenhewasaskedtotakechargeoftherefreshment
boothatacharityconcert.
‘ThenightoftheconcertIarrivedattheparkandfoundtwoelderlyladies
inaverybadhumourstandingnexttotherefreshmentstand.Apparentlyeach
thoughtthatshewasinchargeofthisproject.AsIstoodthereponderingwhatto
do,oneofthemembersofthesponsoringcommitteeappearedandhandedmea
cashboxandthankedmefortakingovertheproject,SheintroducedRoseand
Janeasmyhelpersandthenranoff.
‘A great silence ensued. Realising that the cash box was a symbol of
authority(ofsorts),IgavetheboxtoRoseandexplainedthatImightnotbeable
tokeepthemoneystraightandthatifshetookcareofitIwouldfeel better.I
thensuggestedto Jane that she show two teenagers whohadbeenassignedto
refreshmentshowtooperatethesodamachine,andaskedhertoberesponsible
forthatpartoftheproject.
‘The whole evening was very enjoyable with Rose happily counting the
money,Janesupervisingtheteenagers,andmeenjoyingtheconcert.’
Youdon’thavetowaituntilyouareambassadortoFranceorchairmanof
the Clambake Committee of your lodge before you use this philosophy of
appreciation.Youcanworkmagicwithitalmosteveryday.
If, for example, the waitress brings us mashed potatoes when we have
orderedFrenchfried,let’ssay,‘I’msorrytotroubleyou,butIprefertheFrench
fried.’She’llprobablyreply,‘Notroubleatall’ and will begladtochangethe
potatoes,becausewehaveshownrespectforher.
Littlephrasessuchas‘I’msorrytotroubleyou,’‘Wouldyoubesokindas
to – ?’ ‘Won’tyou please?’ ‘Would you mind?’ ‘Thankyou’– little courtesies
like these oil the cogs of the monotonous grind of everyday life – and
incidentally,theyarethehallmarkofgoodbreeding.
Let’s take another illustration. Hall Caine’s novels – The Christian, The
Deemster,TheManxman,amongthem–wereallbestsellersintheearlypartof
this century [20th]. Millions of people read his novels, countless millions. He
wasthesonofablacksmith.Heneverhadmorethaneightyears’schoolingin
hislife;yetwhenhediedhewastherichestliterarymanofhistime.
The story goes like this: Hall Gaine loved sonnets and ballads; so he
devouredallofDanteGabrielRossetti’spoetry.Heevenwrotealecturechanting
the praises of Rossetti’s artistic achievement – and sent a copy to Rossetti
himself. Rossetti was delighted. ‘Any young man who has such an exalted
opinionofmyability,’Rossettiprobablysaidtohimself,‘mustbebrilliant.’So
Rossettiinvitedthisblacksmith’ssontocometoLondonandactashissecretary.
ThatwastheturningpointinHallCaine’slife;for,inhisnewposition,hemet
the literary artists of the day. Profiting by their advice and inspired by their
encouragement,helauncheduponacareerthatemblazonedhisnameacrossthe
sky.
Hishome,GreebaCastle,ontheIsleofMan,becameaMeccafortourists
fromthefarcornersoftheworld,andheleftamultimilliondollarestate.Yet–
whoknows–hemighthavediedpoorandunknownhadhenotwrittenanessay
expressinghisadmirationforafamousman.
Suchisthepower,thestupendouspower,ofsincereheart-feltappreciation.
Rossetticonsideredhimselfimportant.Thatisnotstrange.Almosteveryone
considershimselfimportant,veryimportant.
The life of many a person could probably be changed if only someone
would make him feel important. Ronald J. Rowland, who is one of the
instructors of our course in California, is also a teacher of arts and crafts. He
wrotetousaboutastudentnamedChrisinhisbeginning-craftsclass:
Chriswasaveryquiet,shyboylackinginself-confidence,thekindof
student that often does not receive the attention he deserves. I also
teach an advanced class that had grown to be somewhat of a status
symbolandaprivilegeforastudenttohaveearnedtherighttobeinit.
OnWednesday,Chriswasdiligentlyworkingathisdesk.Ireally
felttherewasahiddenfiredeepinsidehim.IaskedChrisifhewould
liketobeintheadvancedclass.HowIwishIcouldexpressthelookin
Chris’sface,theemotionsinthatshyfourteen-year-oldboy,tryingto
holdbackhistears.
‘Whome,Mr.Rowland?AmIgoodenough?’
‘Yes,Chris,youaregoodenough.’
Ihadtoleaveatthatpointbecausetearswerecomingtomyeyes.
AsChriswalkedoutofclassthatday,seeminglytwoinchestaller,he
lookedatmewithbrightblueeyesandsaidinapositivevoice,‘Thank
you,Mr.Rowland.’
ChristaughtmealessonIwillneverforget–ourdeepdesireto
feelimportant.Tohelpmeneverforgetthisrule,Imadeasignwhich
reads‘YOUAREIMPORTANT.’Thissignhangsinthe frontofthe
classroomforalltosee and to remind methateachstudentIfaceis
equallyimportant.
The unvarnished truth is that almost all the people you meet feel themselves
superiortoyouinsomeway,andasurewaytotheirheartsistoletthemrealise
insomesubtlewaythatyourealisetheirimportance,andrecogniseitsincerely.
RememberwhatEmersonsaid:‘EverymanImeetismysuperiorinsome
way.Inthat,Ilearnofhim.’
And the pathetic part of it is that frequently those who have the least
justification for a feeling of achievement bolster up their egos by a show of
tumultandconceitwhichistrulynauseating.AsShakespeareputit:‘...man,
proudman,/Drestinalittlebriefauthority,/...Playssuchfantastictricksbefore
highheaven/Asmaketheangelsweep.’
Iamgoingtotellyouhowbusinesspeopleinmyowncourseshaveapplied
these principles with remarkable results. Let’s take the case of a Connecticut
attorney(becauseofhisrelativesheprefersnottohavehisnamementioned).
Shortlyafterjoiningthecourse,Mr.R–drovetoLongIslandwithhiswife
tovisitsomeofherrelatives.Shelefthimtochatwithanoldauntofhersand
thenrushedoffbyherselftovisitsomeoftheyoungerrelatives.Sincehesoon
had to give a speech professionally on how he applied the principles of
appreciation,hethoughthewouldgainsomeworthwhileexperiencetalkingwith
theelderlylady. Sohelookedaroundthehousetoseewhathecouldhonestly
admire.
‘Thishousewasbuiltabout1890,wasn’tit?’heinquired.
‘Yes,’shereplied,‘thatispreciselytheyearitwasbuilt.’
‘It reminds me of the house I was born in,’ he said. ‘It’s beautiful. Well
built.Roomy.Youknow,theydon’tbuildhouseslikethisanymore.’
‘You’reright,’theoldladyagreed.‘Theyoungfolksnowadaysdon’tcare
for beautiful homes. All they want is a small apartment, and then they go
gaddingaboutintheirautomobiles.
‘Thisisadreamhouse,’shesaidinavoicevibratingwithtendermemories.
‘Thishousewasbuiltwithlove.MyhusbandandIdreamedaboutitforyears
beforewebuiltit.Wedidn’thaveanarchitect.Weplanneditallouselves.’
She showed Mr. R – about the house, and he expressed his hearty
admiration for the beautiful treasures she had picked up in her travels and
cherished over a lifetime – paisley shawls, an old English tea set, Wedgwood
china,Frenchbedsandchairs,Italianpaintings,andsilkdraperiesthathadonce
hunginaFrenchchateau.
AftershowingMr.R–throughthehouse,shetookhimouttothegarage.
There,jackeduponblocks,wasaPackardcar–inmintcondition.
‘Myhusbandboughtthatcarformeshortlybeforehepassedon,’shesaid
softly.‘Ihaveneverriddeninitsincehisdeath...Youappreciatenicethings,
andI’mgoingtogivethiscartoyou.’
‘Why,aunty,’hesaid,‘youoverwhelmme.Iappreciateyourgenerosity,of
course;butIcouldn’tpossiblyacceptit.I’mnotevenarelativeofyours.Ihave
anewcar,andyouhavemanyrelativesthatwouldliketohavethatPackard.’
‘Relatives!’sheexclaimed.‘Yes,IhaverelativeswhoarejustwaitingtillI
diesotheycangetthatcar.Buttheyarenotgoingtogetit.’
‘If you don’t want to give it to them, you can very easily sell it to a
secondhanddealer,’hetoldher.
‘Sellit!’shecried.‘DoyouthinkIwouldsellthiscar?DoyouthinkIcould
standtoseestrangersridingupanddownthestreetinthatcar–thatcarthatmy
husbandboughtforme?Iwouldn’tdreamofsellingit.I’mgoingtogiveitto
you.Youappreciatebeautifulthings.’
Hetriedtogetoutofacceptingthecar,buthecouldn’twithouthurtingher
feelings.
Thislady,leftallaloneinabighousewithherpaisleyshawls,herFrench
antiques,andhermemories,wasstarvingforalittlerecognition.Shehadonce
been young and beautiful and sought after. She had once built a house warm
with love and had collected things from all over Europe to make it beautiful.
Now,intheisolatedlonelinessofoldage,shecravedalittlehumanwarmth,a
littlegenuineappreciation–andnoonegaveittoher.Andwhenshefoundit,
likeaspringinthedesert,hergratitudecouldn’tadequatelyexpressitselfwith
anythinglessthanthegiftofhercherishedPackard.
Let’stakeanothercase:DonaldM.McMahon,whowassuperintendentof
Lewis and Valentine, nurserymen and landscape architects in Rye, New York,
relatedthisincident:
‘Shortly after I attended the talk on “How to Win Friends and Influence
People,”Iwaslandscapingtheestateofafamousattorney.Theownercameout
to give me a few instructions about where he wished to plant a mass of
rhododendronsandazaleas.
‘Isaid,“Judge,youhavealovelyhobby.I’vebeenadmiringyourbeautiful
dogs. I understand you win a lot of blue ribbons every year at the show in
MadisonSquareGarden.”
‘Theeffectofthislittleexpressionofappreciationwasstriking.
‘“Yes,”thejudgereplied,“Idohavealotoffunwithmydogs.Wouldyou
liketoseemykennel?”
‘Hespentalmostanhourshowingmehisdogsandtheprizestheyhadwon.
He even brought out their pedigrees and explained about the bloodlines
responsibleforsuchbeautyandintelligence.
‘Finally,turningtome,heasked:“Doyouhaveanysmallchildren?”
‘“Yes,Ido,”Ireplied,“Ihaveason.”
‘“Well,wouldn’thelikeapuppy?’thejudgeinquired.
‘“Oh,yes,he’dbetickledpink.’
‘“Allright,I’mgoingtogivehimone,”thejudgeannounced.
‘Hestartedtotellmehowtofeedthepuppy.Thenhepaused.“You’llforget
itifI tellyou.I’llwriteitout.”So thejudgewentinthehouse,typed outthe
pedigreeandfeedinginstructions,andgavemeapuppyworthseveralhundred
dollarsandonehourandfifteenminutesofhisvaluabletimelargelybecauseI
hadexpressedmyhonestadmirationforhishobbyandachievements.’
George Eastman, of Kodakfame,invented the transparent filmthatmade
motion pictures possible, amassed a fortune of a hundred million dollars, and
madehimselfoneofthemostfamousbusinessmenonearth.Yetinspiteofall
thesetremendousaccomplishments,hecravedlittlerecognitionsevenasyouand
I.
Toillustrate:WhenEastmanwasbuildingtheEastmanSchoolofMusicand
alsoKilbournHallinRochester,JamesAdamson,thenpresidentoftheSuperior
Seating Company of New York, wanted to get the order to supply the theatre
chairs for these buildings. Phoning the architect, Mr. Adamson made an
appointmenttoseeMr.EastmaninRochester.
When Adamson arrived, the architect said: ‘I know you want to get this
order,butIcantellyourightnowthatyouwon’tstandaghostofashowifyou
take more than five minutes of George Eastman’s time. He is a strict
disciplinarian.Heisverybusy.Sotellyourstoryquicklyandgetout.’
Adamsonwaspreparedtodojustthat.
When he was usheredintothe room he sawMr. Eastmanbendingover a
pile of papers at his desk. Presently, Mr. Eastman looked up, removed his
glasses, and walked toward the architect and Mr. Adamson, saying: ‘Good
morning,gentlemen,whatcanIdoforyou?’
Thearchitectintroducedthem,andthenMr.Adamsonsaid:‘Whilewe’ve
beenwaitingforyou,Mr.Eastman,I’vebeenadmiringyouroffice.Iwouldn’t
mind working in a room like this myself. I’m in the interior-woodworking
business,andIneversawamorebeautifulofficeinallmylife.’
George Eastman replied: ‘You remind me of something I had almost
forgotten.Itisbeautiful,isn’tit?Ienjoyeditagreatdealwhenitwasfirstbuilt.
ButIcomedownherenowwithalotofotherthingsonmymindandsometimes
don’tevenseetheroomforweeksatatime.’
Adamsonwalkedoverandrubbedhishandacrossapanel.‘ThisisEnglish
oak,isn’tit?AlittledifferenttexturefromtheItalianoak.’
‘Yes,’Eastmanreplied.‘ImportedEnglishoak.Itwasselectedformebya
friendwhospecialisesinfinewoods.’
ThenEastmanshowedhimabouttheroom,commentingontheproportions,
the colouring, the hand carving and other effects he had helped to plan and
execute.
Whiledriftingabouttheroom,admiringthewoodwork,theypausedbefore
a window, and George Eastman, in his modest, soft-spoken way, pointed out
some of the institutions through which he was trying to help humanity: the
University of Rochester, the General Hospital, the Homeopathic Hospital, the
Friendly Home, the Children’s Hospital. Mr. Adamson congratulated him
warmlyontheidealisticwayhewasusinghiswealthtoalleviatethesufferings
ofhumanity.Presently,GeorgeEastmanunlockedaglasscaseandpulledoutthe
first camera he had ever owned – an invention he had bought from an
Englishman.
Adamsonquestionedhimatlengthabouthisearlystrugglestogetstartedin
business, and Mr. Eastman spoke with real feeling about the poverty of his
childhood,tellinghowhiswidowedmotherhadkeptaboardinghousewhilehe
clerkedinaninsuranceoffice.Theterrorofpovertyhauntedhimdayandnight,
and he resolved to make enough money so that his mother wouldn’t have to
work.Mr.Adamsondrewhimoutwithfurtherquestionsandlistened,absorbed,
whileherelatedthestoryofhisexperimentswithdryphotographicplates. He
told how he had worked in an office all day, and sometimes experimented all
night, taking only brief naps while the chemicals were working, sometimes
workingandsleepinginhisclothesforseventy-twohoursatastretch.
JamesAdamsonhadbeenusheredintoEastman’sofficeatten-fifteenand
hadbeenwarnedthathemustnottakemorethanfiveminutes;butanhourhad
passed,thentwohourspassed.Andtheywerestilltalking.
Finally,GeorgeEastmanturnedtoAdamsonandsaid,‘ThelasttimeIwas
in Japan I bought some chairs, brought them home, and put them in my sun
porch. But the sun peeled the paint, so I went downtown the other day and
boughtsomepaintandpaintedthechairsmyself.Wouldyouliketoseewhatsort
ofjobIcandopaintingchairs?Allright.Comeuptomyhomeandhavelunch
withmeandI’llshowyou.’
Afterlunch,Mr.EastmanshowedAdamsonthechairshehadbroughtfrom
Japan.Theyweren’tworthmorethanafewdollars,butGeorgeEastman,nowa
multimillionaire,wasproudofthembecausehehimselfhadpaintedthem.
Theorderfortheseatsamountedto$90,000.Whodoyousupposegotthe
order–JamesAdamsonoroneofhiscompetitors?
From the time of this story until Mr. Eastman’s death, he and James
Adamsonwereclosefriends.
ClaudeMarais,arestaurantownerinRouen,France,usedthisprincipleand
saved his restaurant the loss of a key employee. This woman had been in his
employforfiveyearsandwasavitallinkbetweenM.Maraisandhisstaff of
twenty-one people. He was shocked to receive a registered letter from her
advisinghimofherresignation.
M. Marais reported: ‘I was very surprised and, even more, disappointed,
becauseIwasundertheimpressionthatIhadbeenfairtoherandreceptiveto
herneeds.Inasmuchasshewasafriendaswellasanemployee,Iprobablyhad
takenhertoomuchforgrantedandmaybewasevenmoredemandingofherthan
ofotheremployees.
‘Icouldnot,ofcourse,acceptthisresignationwithoutsomeexplanation.I
tookherasideandsaid,“Paulette,youmustunderstandthatIcannotacceptyour
resignation.Youmeanagreat deal tomeandtothiscompany,andyouareas
importanttothesuccessofthisrestaurantasIam.”Irepeatedthisinfrontofthe
entirestaff,andIinvitedher to my home andreiteratedmyconfidence in her
withmyfamilypresent.
‘Paulette withdrew her resignation, and today I can rely on her as never
before. I frequently reinforce this by expressing my appreciation for what she
doesandshowingherhowimportantsheistomeandtotherestaurant.’
‘Talktopeopleaboutthemselves,’saidDisraeli,oneoftheshrewdestmen
who ever ruled the BritishEmpire. ‘Talk to people aboutthemselves and they
willlistenforhours.’
PRINCIPLE6
Maketheotherpersonfeelimportant–anddoitsincerely.
INANUTSHELL
SIXWAYSTOMAKEPEOPLELIKEYOU
PRINCIPLE1
Becomegenuinelyinterestedinotherpeople.
PRINCIPLE2
Smile.
PRINCIPLE3
Rememberthataperson’snameistothatpersonthesweetestandmost
importantsoundinanylanguage.
PRINCIPLE4
Beagoodlistener.Encourageotherstotalkaboutthemselves.
PRINCIPLE5
Talkintermsoftheotherperson’sinterests.
PRINCIPLE6
Maketheotherpersonfeelimportant–anddoitsincerely.
SHORTLY AFTER THE close of World War I, I learned an invaluable lesson one
nightinLondon.IwasmanageratthetimeforSirRossSmith.Duringthewar,
SirRosshadbeentheAustralianaceoutinPalestine;andshortlyafterpeacewas
declared,heastonishedtheworldbyflyinghalfwayarounditinthirtydays.No
suchfeathadeverbeenattemptedbefore.Itcreatedatremendoussensation.The
Australiangovernmentawardedhimfiftythousanddollars;theKingofEngland
knighted him; and, for a while, he was the most talked-about man under the
UnionJack.IwasattendingabanquetonenightgiveninSirRoss’shonour;and
duringthedinner,themansittingnexttometoldahumorousstorywhichhinged
onthequotation‘There’sadivinitythatshapesourends,rough-hewthemhow
wewill.’
The raconteur mentioned that the quotation was from the Bible. He was
wrong. I knewthat. I knewit positively. There couldn’t be the slightest doubt
about it. And so, to get a feeling of importance and display my superiority, I
appointedmyselfasanunsolicitedandunwelcomecommitteeofonetocorrect
him.Hestucktohisguns.What?FromShakespeare?Impossible!Absurd!That
quotationwasfromtheBible.Andheknewit.
Thestorytellerwassittingonmyright;andFrankGammond,anoldfriend
ofmine,wasseatedatmyleft.Mr.Gammondhaddevotedyearstothestudyof
Shakespeare. So the storyteller and I agreed to submit the question to Mr.
Gammond. Mr. Gammond listened, kicked me under the table, and then said:
‘Dale,youarewrong.Thegentlemanisright.ItisfromtheBible.’
Onourwayhomethatnight,IsaidtoMr.Gammond:‘Frank,youknewthat
quotationwasfromShakespeare.’
‘Yes, ofcourse,’ he replied, ‘Hamlet, Act Five, Scene Two. But we were
guestsatafestiveoccasion,mydearDale.Whyprovetoamanheiswrong?Is
thatgoingtomakehimlikeyou?Whynotlethimsavehisface?Hedidn’task
for your opinion. He didn’t want it. Why argue with him? Always avoid the
acuteangle.’ThemanwhosaidthattaughtmealessonI’llneverforget.Inot
only had made the storyteller uncomfortable, but had put my friend in an
embarrassingsituation.HowmuchbetteritwouldhavebeenhadInotbecome
argumentative.
It was a sorely needed lesson because I had been an inveterate arguer.
During my youth, I had argued with my brother about everything under the
MilkyWay.WhenIwenttocollege,Istudiedlogicandargumentationandwent
infordebatingcontests.TalkaboutbeingfromMissouri,Iwasbornthere.Ihad
tobeshown.Later,ItaughtdebatingandargumentationinNewYork;andonce,
Iamashamedtoadmit,Iplannedtowriteabookonthesubject.Sincethen,I
havelistenedto,engagedin,andwatchedtheeffectofthousandsofarguments.
Asaresultofallthis,Ihavecometotheconclusionthatthereisonlyoneway
underhighheaventogetthebestofanargument–andthatistoavoidit.Avoid
itasyouwouldavoidrattlesnakesandearthquakes.
Ninetimesoutoften,anargumentendswitheachofthecontestantsmore
firmlyconvincedthaneverthatheisabsolutelyright.
Youcan’twinanargument.Youcan’tbecauseifyouloseit,youloseit;and
ifyouwinit,youloseit.Why?Well,supposeyoutriumphovertheotherman
and shoot his argument full of holes and prove that he is non compos mentis.
Then what? You willfeel fine. But whatabout him? Youhave made him feel
inferior.Youhavehurthispride.Hewillresentyourtriumph.And–
Amanconvincedagainsthiswill
Isofthesameopinionstill.
Years ago Patrick J. O’Haire joined one of my classes. He had had little
education,andhowhelovedascrap!Hehadoncebeenachauffeur,andhecame
tomebecausehehadbeentrying,withoutmuchsuccess,toselltrucks.Alittle
questioning brought out the fact that he was continually scrapping with and
antagonisingtheverypeoplehewastryingtodobusinesswith.Ifaprospectsaid
anythingderogatoryaboutthetruckshewasselling,Patsawredandwasrightat
thecustomer’sthroat.Patwonalotofargumentsinthosedays.Ashesaidtome
afterward,‘Ioftenwalkedoutofanofficesaying:“Itoldthatbirdsomething.”
SureIhadtoldhimsomething,butIhadn’tsoldhimanything.’
MyfirstproblemwasnottoteachPatrickJ.O’Hairetotalk.Myimmediate
taskwastotrainhimtorefrainfromtalkingandtoavoidverbalfights.
Mr. O’Haire became one of the star salesmen for the White Motor
CompanyinNewYork.Howdidhedoit?Hereishisstoryinhisownwords:‘If
Iwalkintoabuyer’sofficenowandhesays:“What?AWhitetruck?They’reno
good!Iwouldn’ttakeoneifyougaveittome.I’mgoingtobuytheWhose-It
truck,” I say, “The Whose-It is a good truck. If you buy the Whose-It, you’ll
nevermakeamistake.TheWhose-Itsaremadebyafinecompanyandsoldby
goodpeople.”
‘He is speechless then. There is no room for an argument. If he says the
Whose-It is best and I say sure it is, he has to stop. He can’t keep on all
afternoonsaying,“It’sthebest”whenI’magreeingwithhim.Wethengetoffthe
subjectofWhose-ItandIbegintotalkaboutthegoodpointsoftheWhitetruck.
‘Therewasatimewhenaremarklikehisfirstonewouldhavemademesee
scarletandredandorange.IwouldstartarguingagainsttheWhose-It;andthe
moreIargued againstit,themoremyprospectarguedinfavourof it; and the
moreheargued,themorehesoldhimselfonmycompetitor’sproduct.
‘AsIlookbacknowIwonderhowIwaseverabletosellanything.Ilost
yearsofmylifeinscrappingandarguing.Ikeepmymouthshutnow.Itpays.’
AswiseoldBenFranklinusedtosay:
If you argue and rankle and contradict, you may achieve a victory
sometimes;butitwillbeanemptyvictorybecauseyouwillneverget
youropponent’sgoodwill.
So figure it out for yourself. Which would you rather have, an academic,
theatricalvictoryoraperson’sgoodwill?Youcanseldomhaveboth.
TheBostonTranscriptonceprintedthisbitofsignificantdoggerel:
HereliesthebodyofWilliamJay,
Whodiedmaintaininghisrightofway–
Hewasright,deadright,ashespedalong,
Buthe’sjustasdeadasifhewerewrong.
Youmayberight,deadright,asyouspeedalonginyourargument;butasfaras
changinganother’smindisconcerned,you willprobablybejustas futileasif
youwerewrong.
Frederick S. Parsons, an income tax consultant, had been disputing and
wranglingforanhourwithagovernmenttaxinspector.Anitemofninethousand
dollarswasatstake.Mr.Parsonsclaimedthatthisninethousanddollarswasin
realityabaddebt,thatitwouldneverbecollected,thatitoughtnottobetaxed.
‘Baddebt,myeye!’retortedtheinspector.‘Itmustbetaxed.’
‘This inspector was cold, arrogant and stubborn,’ Mr. Parsons said as he
toldthestorytotheclass.‘Reasonwaswastedandsowerefacts...Thelonger
we argued, the more stubborn he became. So I decided to avoid argument,
changethesubject,andgivehimappreciation.
‘Isaid,“Isupposethisisaverypettymatterincomparisonwiththereally
importantanddifficultdecisionsyou’rerequiredtomake.I’vemadeastudyof
taxationmyself.ButI’vehadtogetmyknowledgefrombooks.Youaregetting
yoursfromthefiringlineofexperience.IsometimeswishIhadajoblikeyours.
Itwouldteachmealot.”ImeanteverywordIsaid.
‘“Well.”Theinspectorstraightenedupinhischair,leanedback,andtalked
foralongtimeabouthiswork,tellingmeofthecleverfraudshehaduncovered.
Histone gradually became friendly,and presently he was tellingmeabouthis
children.Asheleft,headvisedmethathewouldconsidermyproblemfurther
andgivemehisdecisioninafewdays.
‘He called at my office three days later and informed me that he had
decidedtoleavethetaxreturnexactlyasitwasfiled.’
Thistax inspector was demonstratingoneofthe most common of human
frailties.Hewantedafeelingofimportance;andaslongasMr.Parsonsargued
withhim,hegothisfeelingofimportancebyloudlyassertinghisauthority.But
assoon as his importance was admitted and the argument stopped and he was
permittedtoexpandhisego,hebecameasympatheticandkindlyhumanbeing.
Buddha said: ‘Hatred is never ended by hatred but by love,’ and a
misunderstanding is never ended by an argument but by tact, diplomacy,
conciliationandasympatheticdesiretoseetheotherperson’sviewpoint.
Lincolnoncereprimandedayoungarmyofficerforindulginginaviolent
controversy with an associate. ‘No man who is resolved to make the most of
himself,’saidLincoln,‘cansparetimeforpersonalcontention.Stilllesscanhe
affordtotaketheconsequences,includingthevitiationofhistemperandtheloss
ofself-control.Yieldlargerthingstowhichyoushownomorethanequalrights;
and yield lesser onesthough clearly yourown. Better give yourpath to a dog
thanbebittenbyhimincontestingfortheright.Evenkillingthedogwouldnot
curethebite.’
InanarticleinBitsandPieces,
1
somesuggestionsaremadeonhowtokeep
adisagreementfrombecominganargument:
Welcomethedisagreement.Remembertheslogan,‘Whentwopartners
alwaysagree,oneofthemisnotnecessary.’Ifthereissomepointyou
haven’t thought about, be thankful if it is brought to your attention.
Perhaps this disagreement is your opportunity to be corrected before
youmakeaseriousmistake.
Distrustyourfirstinstinctiveimpression.Ourfirstnaturalreactionina
disagreeable situation is to be defensive. Be careful. Keep calm and
watchoutforyourfirstreaction.Itmaybeyouatyourworst,notyour
best.
Controlyourtemper.Remember,youcanmeasurethesizeofaperson
bywhatmakeshimorherangry.
Listenfirst.Giveyouropponentsachancetotalk.Letthemfinish.Do
not resist, defend or debate. This only raises barriers. Try to build
bridges of understanding. Don’t build higher barriers of
misunderstanding.
Look for areas of agreement. When you have heard your opponents
out,dwellfirstonthepointsandareasonwhichyouagree.
Be honest. Look for areas where you can admit error and say so.
Apologizeforyourmistakes.Itwillhelpdisarmyour opponentsand
reducedefensiveness.
Promisetothinkoveryouropponents’ideasandstudythemcarefully.
And mean it. Your opponents may be right. It is a lot easier at this
stagetoagreetothinkabouttheirpointsthantomoverapidlyahead
and find yourself in a position where your opponents can say: ‘We
triedtotellyou,butyouwouldn’tlisten.’
Thankyouropponentssincerely fortheirinterest. Anyonewhotakes
thetimetodisagreewithyouisinterestedinthesamethingsyouare.
Think of them as people who really want tohelp you, and you may
turnyouropponentsintofriends.
Postponeactiontogivebothsidestimetothinkthroughtheproblem.
Suggestthatanewmeetingbeheldlaterthatdayorthenextday,when
all the facts maybe brought to bear. Inpreparationfor this meeting,
askyourselfsomehardquestions:
Couldmyopponentsberight?Partlyright?Istheretruthormerit
intheirpositionorargument?Ismyreactiononethatwillrelievethe
problem,orwillitjustrelieveanyfrustration?Willmyreactiondrive
my opponents further away or draw them closer to me? Will my
reactionelevatetheestimationgoodpeoplehaveofme?WillIwinor
lose?WhatpricewillIhavetopayifIwin?IfIamquietaboutit,will
thedisagreementblow over? Is this difficult situation an opportunity
forme?
OperatenorJanPeerce,afterhewasmarriednearlyfiftyyears,oncesaid:‘My
wifeandImadeapactalongtimeago,andwe’vekeptitnomatterhowangry
we’vegrownwitheachother.Whenoneyells,theothershouldlisten–because
whentwopeopleyell,thereisnocommunication,justnoiseandbadvibrations.’
PRINCIPLE1
Theonlywaytogetthebestofanargumentistoavoidit.
1.BitsandPieces,publishedbyTheEconomicsPress,Fairfield,N.J.
WHEN THEODORE ROOSEVELT was in the White House, he confessed that if he
couldberight75percentofthetime,hewouldreachthehighestmeasureofhis
expectation.
Ifthatwasthehighestratingthatoneofthemostdistinguishedmenofthe
twentiethcenturycouldhopetoobtain,whataboutyouandme?
Ifyoucan besureofbeingrightonly55percentofthetime,youcango
down to Wall Street andmake a milliondollars a day. If youcan’tbesure of
beingrighteven55percentofthetime,whyshouldyoutellotherpeoplethey
arewrong?
Youcantellpeopletheyarewrongbyalookoranintonationoragesture
justaseloquentlyasyoucaninwords–andifyoutellthemtheyarewrong,do
you make them want to agree with you? Never! For you have struck a direct
blow at their intelligence, judgement, pride and self-respect. That will make
them want to strike back. But it will never make them want to change their
minds.YoumaythenhurlatthemallthelogicofaPlatooranImmanuelKant,
butyouwillnotaltertheiropinions,foryouhavehurttheirfeelings.
Neverbeginbyannouncing‘Iamgoingtoproveso-and-sotoyou.’That’s
bad. That’s tantamount to saying: ‘I’m smarterthan you are. I’m going to tell
youathingortwoandmakeyouchangeyourmind.’
That is a challenge. It arouses opposition and makes the listener want to
battlewithyoubeforeyouevenstart.
It is difficult, under even the most benign conditions, to change people’s
minds.Sowhymakeitharder?Whyhandicapyourself?
If you are going to prove anything, don’t let anybody know it. Do it so
subtly,soadroitly,thatnoonewillfeelthatyouaredoingit.Thiswasexpressed
succinctlybyAlexanderPope:
Menmustbetaughtasifyoutaughtthemnot
Andthingsunknownproposedasthingsforgot.
OverthreehundredyearsagoGalileosaid:
Youcannotteachamananything;
youcanonlyhelphimtofinditwithinhimself.
AsLordChesterfieldsaidtohisson:
Bewiserthanotherpeopleifyoucan;
butdonottellthemso.
SocratessaidrepeatedlytohisfollowersinAthens:
OnethingonlyIknow,andthat
isthatIknownothing.
Well,Ican’thopetobeanysmarterthanSocrates,soIhavequittellingpeople
theyarewrong.AndIfindthatitpays.
Ifapersonmakesastatementthatyouthinkiswrong–yes,eventhatyou
knowiswrong–isn’titbettertobeginbysaying:‘Well,now, look.Ithought
otherwisebutImaybewrong.Ifrequentlyam.AndifIamwrong,Iwanttobe
putright.Let’sexaminethefacts.’
There’s magic, positive magic, in such phrases as: ‘I may be wrong, I
frequentlyam.Let’sexaminethefacts.’
Nobodyintheheavensaboveorontheearthbeneathorinthewatersunder
the earth will ever object to your saying: ‘I may be wrong.Let’s examinethe
facts.’
One of our class members who used this approach in dealing with
customerswasHaroldReinke,aDodgedealerinBillings,Montana.Hereported
that because of the pressures of the automobile business, he was often hard-
boiledandcallouswhendealingwithcustomers’complaints.Thiscausedflared
tempers,lossofbusinessandgeneralunpleasantness.
Hetoldhisclass:‘Recognisingthatthiswasgettingmenowherefast,Itried
anewtack.Iwouldsaysomethinglikethis:“Ourdealershiphasmadesomany
mistakesthatIamfrequentlyashamed.Wemayhaveerredinyourcase.Tellme
aboutit.”
‘This approach becomes quite disarming, and by the time the customer
releases his feelings, he is usually much more reasonable when it comes to
settlingthematter.Infact,severalcustomershavethankedmeforhavingsuch
anunderstandingattitude.Andtwoofthemhaveevenbroughtinfriendstobuy
new cars. In this highly competitive market, we need more of this type of
customer, and I believe that showing respect for all customers’ opinions and
treatingthemdiplomaticallyandcourteouslywillhelpbeatthecompetition.’
Youwillnevergetintotroublebyadmittingthatyoumaybewrong.That
willstopallargumentandinspireyouropponenttobejustasfairandopenand
broad-mindedas youare.Itwillmakehimwanttoadmitthathe,too,maybe
wrong.
Ifyouknowpositivelythatapersoniswrong,andyoubluntlytellhimor
herso, what happens? Letmeillustrate.Mr.S –, a youngNewYork attorney,
once argued a rather important case before the United States Supreme Court
(Lustgarten v. Fleet Corporation 280 U.S. 320). The case involved a
considerable sum of money and an important question of law. During the
argument, one of the Supreme Court justices said to him: ‘The statute of
limitationsinadmiraltylawissixyears,isitnot?’
Mr.S–stopped,staredattheJusticeforamoment,andthensaidbluntly:
‘YourHonour,thereisnostatuteoflimitationsinadmiralty.’
‘Ahushfellonthecourt,’saidMr.S–asherelatedhisexperiencetooneof
theauthor’sclasses,‘andthetemperatureintheroomseemedtodroptozero.I
wasright.Justice–waswrong.AndIhadtoldhimso.Butdidthatmakehim
friendly? No. I still believe that I had the law on my side. And I know that I
spoke better than I ever spoke before. But I didn’t persuade. I made the
enormousblunderoftellingaverylearnedandfamousmanthathewaswrong.’
Fewpeopleare logical.Mostofusare prejudiced andbiased.Mostofus
areblightedwithpreconceivednotions,withjealousy,suspicion,fear,envyand
pride.Andmostcitizensdon’twanttochangetheirmindsabouttheirreligionor
theirhaircutorcommunismortheirfavouritemoviestar.So,ifyouareinclined
totellpeopletheyarewrong,pleasereadthefollowingparagrapheverymorning
before breakfast. It is from James Harvey Robinson’s enlightening book The
MindintheMaking.
We sometimes find ourselves changing our minds without any
resistance or heavy emotion, but if we are told we are wrong, we
resent the imputation and harden our hearts. We are incredibly
heedlessintheformationofourbeliefs,butfindourselvesfilledwith
an illicit passion for them when anyone proposes to rob us of their
companionship.Itisobviouslynottheideasthemselvesthataredear
tous,butourself-esteemwhichisthreatened...Thelittleword‘my’
is the most important one in human affairs, and properly to reckon
withitisthebeginningofwisdom.Ithasthesameforcewhetheritis
‘my’dinner, ‘my’ dog,and‘my’ house, or‘my’ father, ‘my’ country,
and ‘my’ God. We not only resent the imputation that our watch is
wrong, or our car shabby, but that our conception of the canals of
Mars, of the pronunciation of ‘Epictetus,’ of the medicinal value of
salicin, or of the date of Sargon I is subject to revision. We like to
continuetobelievewhatwehavebeenaccustomedtoacceptastrue,
and the resentment aroused when doubt is cast upon any of our
assumptionsleadsustoseekeverymannerofexcuseforclingingtoit.
The result isthat most of our so-called reasoning consistsin finding
argumentsforgoingonbelievingaswealreadydo.
Carl Rogers, the eminent psychologist, wrote in his book On Becoming a
Person:
I have found it of enormous value when I can permit myself to
understand the other person. The way in which I have worded this
statementmayseemstrangetoyou.Isitnecessarytopermitoneselfto
understand another? I think it is. Our first reaction to most of the
statements (which we hear from other people) is an evaluation or
judgment,ratherthananunderstandingofit.Whensomeoneexpresses
somefeeling,attitudeorbelief,ourtendencyisalmostimmediatelyto
feel ‘that’s right,’ or ‘that’s stupid,’ ‘that’s abnormal,’ ‘that’s
unreasonable,’ ‘that’s incorrect,’ ‘that’s not nice.’ Very rarely do we
permit ourselves to understand precisely what the meaning of the
statementistotheotherperson.
1
I once employed an interior decorator to make some draperies for my home.
Whenthebillarrived,Iwasdismayed.
Afewdayslater,afrienddroppedinandlookedatthedraperies.Theprice
wasmentioned,andsheexclaimedwithanoteoftriumph:‘What?That’sawful.
Iamafraidheputoneoveronyou.’
True?Yes,shehadtoldthetruth,butfewpeopleliketolistentotruthsthat
reflectontheirjudgement.So,beinghuman,Itriedtodefendmyself.Ipointed
outthatthebestiseventuallythecheapest,thatonecan’texpecttogetquality
andartistictasteatbargain-basementprices,andsoonandon.
The next day another friend dropped in, admired the draperies, bubbled
overwithenthusiasm,andexpressedawishthatshecouldaffordsuchexquisite
creationsforherhome.Myreactionwastotallydifferent.‘Well,totellthetruth,’
Isaid,‘Ican’taffordthemmyself.Ipaidtoomuch.I’msorryIorderedthem.’
Whenwearewrong,wemayadmitittoourselves.Andifwearehandled
gently and tactfully, we may admit it to others and even take pride in our
frankness and broad-mindedness. But not if someone else is trying to ram the
unpalatablefactdownouroesophagus.
HoraceGreeley,themostfamouseditorinAmericaduringthetimeofthe
CivilWar,disagreedviolentlywithLincoln’spolicies.Hebelievedthathecould
driveLincolninto agreeing withhimbyacampaign ofargument,ridiculeand
abuse.Hewagedthisbittercampaignmonthaftermonth,yearafteryear.Infact,
hewroteabrutal,bitter,sarcasticandpersonalattackonPresidentLincolnthe
nightBoothshothim.
But did all this bitterness make Lincoln agree with Greeley? Not at all.
Ridiculeandabuseneverdo.
If you want some excellent suggestions about dealing with people and
managing yourself and improving your personality, read Benjamin Franklin’s
autobiography–oneofthemostfascinatinglifestorieseverwritten,oneofthe
classics of American literature. Ben Franklin tells how he conquered the
iniquitoushabitofargumentandtransformedhimselfintooneofthemostable,
suaveanddiplomaticmeninAmericanhistory.
Oneday,whenBenFranklinwasablunderingyouth,anoldQuakerfriend
tookhimasideandlashedhimwithafewstingingtruths,somethinglikethis:
Ben, you are impossible. Your opinions have a slap in them for
everyone who differs with you. They have become so offensive that
nobodycaresforthem.Yourfriendsfindtheyenjoythemselvesbetter
whenyouarenotaround.Youknowsomuchthatnomancantellyou
anything.Indeed,nomanisgoingtotry,fortheeffortwouldleadonly
todiscomfortandhardwork.Soyouarenotlikelyevertoknowany
morethanyoudonow,whichisverylittle.
OneofthefinestthingsIknowaboutBenFranklinisthewayheacceptedthat
smartingrebuke.Hewasbigenoughandwiseenoughtorealisethatitwastrue,
tosensethathewasheadedforfailureandsocialdisaster.Sohemadearight-
about-face.Hebeganimmediatelytochangehisinsolent,opinionatedways.
‘I made it a rule,’said Franklin, ‘to forbear alldirectcontradiction to the
sentimentofothers,andallpositiveassertionofmyown.Ievenforbademyself
the use of every word or expression in the language that imported a fix’d
opinion,suchas“certainly,”“undoubtedly,”etc.,andIadopted,insteadofthem,
“I conceive,” “I apprehend,” or “I imagine” a thing to be so or so, or “it so
appears to me at present.” When another assertedsomething that I thought an
error,Ideny’dmyselfthepleasureofcontradictinghimabruptly,andofshowing
immediately some absurdity in his proposition: and in answering I began by
observingthatincertaincasesorcircumstanceshisopinionwouldberight,but
inthepresentcasethereappear’dorseem’dtomesomedifference,etc.Isoon
foundtheadvantageofthischangeinmymanner;theconversationsIengag’din
went on more pleasantly. The modest way in which I propos’d my opinions
procur’dthemareadierreceptionandlesscontradiction;Ihadlessmortification
whenIwasfoundtobeinthewrong,andImoreeasilyprevail’dwithothersto
giveuptheirmistakesandjoinwithmewhenIhappenedtobeintheright.
‘And this mode, which I at first put on with some violence to natural
inclination, became at length so easy, and so habitual to me, that perhaps for
thesefiftyyearspastnoonehaseverheardadogmaticalexpressionescapeme.
Andtothishabit(aftermycharacterofintegrity)Ithinkitprincipallyowingthat
I had earned so much weight with my fellow citizens when I proposed new
institutions,oralterations in the old, and somuchinfluenceinpublic councils
whenIbecameamember;forIwasbutabadspeaker,nevereloquent,subjectto
much hesitation in my choice of words, hardly correct in language, and yet I
generallycarriedmypoints.’
How do Ben Franklin’s methods work in business? Let’s take two
examples.
Katherine A. Allred of Kings Mountain, North Carolina, is an industrial
engineeringsupervisorforayarn-processingplant.Shetoldoneofourclasses
howshehandledasensitiveproblembeforeandaftertakingourtraining:
‘Part of my responsibility,’ she reported, ‘deals with setting up and
maintainingincentivesystemsandstandardsforouroperatorssotheycanmake
more money by producing moreyarn. The systemwe were using had worked
finewhenwehadonlytwoorthreedifferenttypesofyarn,butrecentlywehad
expanded our inventory and capabilities to enable us to run more than twelve
different varieties. The present system was no longer adequate to pay the
operators fairly for the work being performed and give them an incentive to
increaseproduction.Ihad worked up a new systemwhichwouldenableusto
paytheoperatorbytheclassofyarnshewasrunningatanyoneparticulartime.
Withmynewsysteminhand,Ienteredthemeetingdeterminedtoprovetothe
managementthatmy systemwastherightapproach. Itoldthemindetail how
theywerewrongandshowedwheretheywerebeingunfairandhowIhadallthe
answerstheyneeded.Tosaytheleast,Ifailedmiserably!Ihadbecomesobusy
defending my position on the new system that I had left them no opening to
graciouslyadmittheirproblemsontheoldone.Theissuewasdead.
‘After several sessions of this course, I realised all too well where I had
mademymistakes.IcalledanothermeetingandthistimeIaskedwheretheyfelt
theirproblemswere.Wediscussedeachpoint,andIaskedthemtheiropinions
on which was the best way to proceed. With a few low-keyed suggestions, at
proper intervals, I let them develop my system themselves. At the end of the
meetingwhenIactuallypresentedmysystem,theyenthusiasticallyacceptedit.
‘I am convinced now that nothing good is accomplished and a lot of
damagecanbedoneifyoutellapersonstraightoutthatheorsheiswrong.You
only succeed in stripping that person of self-dignity and making yourself an
unwelcomepartofanydiscussion.’
Let’s take another example – and remember these cases I am citing are
typical of the experiences of thousands of other people. R.V. Crowley was a
salesman for a lumber company in New York. Crowley admitted that he had
beentellinghard-boiledlumberinspectorsforyearsthattheywerewrong.And
hehadwontheargumentstoo.Butithadn’tdoneanygood.‘Fortheselumber
inspectors,’ said Mr. Crowley, ‘are like baseball umpires. Once they make a
decision,theyneverchangeit.’
Mr.Crowleysawthathisfirmwaslosingthousandsofdollarsthroughthe
argumentshewon.Sowhiletakingmycourse,heresolvedtochangetacticsand
abandon arguments. With what results? Here is the story as he told it to the
fellowmembersofhisclass:
‘Onemorningthephoneranginmyoffice.Ahotandbotheredpersonatthe
otherendproceededtoinformmethatacaroflumberwehadshippedintohis
plantwasentirelyunsatisfactory.Hisfirmhadstoppedunloadingandrequested
thatwemakeimmediatearrangementstoremovethestockfromtheiryard.After
aboutone-fourthofthecarhadbeenunloaded,theirlumberinspectorreported
thatthelumberwasrunning55percentbelowgrade.Underthecircumstances,
theyrefusedtoacceptit.
‘Iimmediatelystartedforhisplantandonthewayturnedoverinmymind
the best way to handle the situation. Ordinarily, under such circumstances, I
shouldhavequotedgradingrulesandtried,asaresultofmyownexperienceand
knowledgeasalumberinspector,toconvincetheotherinspectorthatthelumber
was actually up to grade, and that he was misinterpreting the rules in his
inspection. However, I thought I would apply the principles learned in this
training.
‘WhenIarrivedattheplant,Ifoundthepurchasingagentandthelumber
inspectorinawickedhumour,bothsetforanargumentandafight.Wewalked
out to the car that was being unloaded, and I requested that they continue to
unload so that I could see how things weregoing. I asked the inspector to go
rightahead and lay outtherejects, as he hadbeendoing, and to putthegood
piecesinanotherpile.
‘Afterwatchinghimforawhileitbegantodawnonmethathisinspection
actually was much too strict and that he was misinterpreting the rules. This
particular lumber was white pine, and I knew the inspector was thoroughly
schooled in hard woods but not a competent, experienced inspector on white
pine. White pine happened to be my own strong suit, but did I offer any
objection to the way he was grading the lumber? None whatever. I kept on
watchingandgraduallybegantoaskquestionsastowhycertainpieceswerenot
satisfactory. I didn’t for one instant insinuate that the inspector was wrong. I
emphasisedthatmyonlyreasonforaskingwasinorderthatwecouldgivehis
firmexactlywhattheywantedinfutureshipments.
‘By asking questions in a very friendly, cooperative spirit, and insisting
continually that they were right in laying out boards not satisfactory to their
purpose,Igot him warmed up, and the strainedrelationsbetweenusbeganto
thawandmeltaway.Anoccasionalcarefullyputremarkonmypartgavebirthto
the idea in his mind that possibly some of these rejected pieces were actually
withinthegradethattheyhadbought,andthattheirrequirementsdemandeda
moreexpensivegrade.Iwasvery careful, however,nottolethimthinkIwas
makinganissueofthispoint.
‘Gradually his whole attitude changed. He finally admitted to me that he
was not experienced on white pine and began toask mequestions about each
pieceasitcameoutofthecar.Iwouldexplainwhysuchapiececamewithinthe
gradespecified,butkeptoninsistingthatwedidnotwanthimtotakeitifitwas
unsuitablefortheirpurpose.Hefinallygottothepointwherehefeltguiltyevery
timeheputapieceintherejectedpile.Andatlasthesawthatthemistakewas
ontheirpartfornothavingspecifiedasgoodagradeastheyneeded.
‘The ultimateoutcome was that he went through the entire carload again
afterIleft,acceptedthewholelot,andwereceivedacheckinfull.
‘In that one instance alone, a little tact, and the determination to refrain
from telling the other man he was wrong, saved my company a substantial
amountofcash,anditwouldbehardtoplaceamoneyvalueonthegoodwill
thatwassaved.’
MartinLutherKingwasaskedhow,asapacifist,hecouldbeanadmirerof
Air Force General Daniel ‘Chappie’ James, then the nation’s highest-ranking
blackofficer.Dr.Kingreplied,‘Ijudgepeoplebytheirownprinciples–notby
myown.’
Inasimilarway,GeneralRobertE.Leeoncespoketothepresidentofthe
Confederacy,JeffersonDavis,inthemostglowingtermsaboutacertainofficer
underhiscommand.Anotherofficerinattendancewasastonished.‘General,’he
said,‘doyounotknowthatthemanofwhomyouspeaksohighlyisoneofyour
bitterest enemies who misses no opportunity to malign you?’ ‘Yes,’ replied
GeneralLee,‘butthepresidentaskedmyopinionofhim;hedidnotaskforhis
opinionofme.’
Bytheway,Iamnotrevealinganythingnewinthischapter.Twothousand
yearsago,Jesussaid:‘Agreewiththineadversaryquickly.’
And2,200yearsbeforeChristwasborn,KingAkhtoiofEgyptgavehisson
some shrewd advice – advice that is sorely needed today. ‘Be diplomatic,’
counselledtheKing.‘Itwillhelpyougainyourpoint.’
In other words, don’t argue with your customer or your spouse or your
adversary.Don’ttellthemtheyarewrong,don’tgetthemstirredup.Usealittle
diplomacy.
PRINCIPLE2
Showrespectfortheotherperson’sopinions.Neversay,‘You’rewrong.’
1.AdaptedfromCarlR.Rogers,OnBecomingaPerson(Boston:HoughtonMifflin,1961),pp.18ff.
WITHINAMINUTE’Swalkofmyhousetherewasawildstretchofvirgintimber,
where the blackberry thickets foamed white in the springtime, where the
squirrels nested andreared their young, and thehorse weeds grew as tallas a
horse’s head. This unspoiled woodland was called Forest Park – and it was a
forest, probably not much different in appearance from what it was when
Columbus discovered America. I frequently walked inthis park withRex, my
little Boston bulldog. He was a friendly, harmless little hound; and since we
rarelymetanyoneinthepark,ItookRexalongwithoutaleashoramuzzle.
One day we encountered a mounted policeman in the park, a policeman
itchingtoshowhisauthority.
‘What do you mean by letting that dog run loose in the park without a
muzzleandleash?’hereprimandedme.‘Don’tyouknowit’sagainstthelaw?’
‘Yes,Iknowitis,’Irepliedsoftly,‘butIdidn’tthinkhewoulddoanyharm
outhere.’
‘Youdidn’tthink!Youdidn’tthink!Thelawdoesn’tgiveatinker’sdamn
aboutwhatyouthink.That dog mightkillasquirrelorbitea child. Now,I’m
going to letyou offthis time; butif I catchthis dog out here again withouta
muzzleandaleash,you’llhavetotellittothejudge.’
Imeeklypromisedtoobey.
And I did obey – for a few times. But Rex didn’t like the muzzle, and
neitherdidI;sowedecidedtotakeachance.Everythingwaslovelyforawhile,
andthenwestruckasnag.RexandIracedoverthebrowofahilloneafternoon
andthere,suddenly–tomydismay–Isawthemajestyofthelaw,astrideabay
horse.Rexwasoutinfront,headingstraightfortheofficer.
Iwasinforit.Iknewit.SoIdidn’twaituntilthepolicemanstartedtalking.
Ibeathimtoit.Isaid:‘Officer,you’vecaughtmered-handed.I’mguilty.Ihave
noalibis,noexcuses.YouwarnedmelastweekthatifIbroughtthedogouthere
againwithoutamuzzleyouwouldfineme.’
‘Well, now,’ the policeman responded in a soft tone. ‘I know it’s a
temptation to let a little dog like that have a run out here when nobody is
around.’
‘Sureit’satemptation,’Ireplied,‘butitisagainstthelaw.’
‘Well, a little dog like that isn’t going to harm anybody,’ the policeman
remonstrated.
‘No,buthemaykillsquirrels,’Isaid.
‘Wellnow,Ithinkyouaretakingthisabittooseriously,’hetoldme.‘I’ll
tellyouwhatyoudo.YoujustlethimrunoverthehilltherewhereIcan’tsee
him–andwe’llforgetallaboutit.’
Thatpoliceman,being human, wantedafeelingofimportance;so when I
begantocondemnmyself,theonlywayhecouldnourishhisself-esteemwasto
takethemagnanimousattitudeofshowingmercy.
ButsupposeIhadtriedtodefendmyself–well,didyoueverarguewitha
policeman?
Butinsteadofbreakinglanceswithhim,Iadmittedthathewasabsolutely
right and I was absolutely wrong; I admitted it quickly, openly, and with
enthusiasm.Theaffairterminatedgraciouslyinmytakinghissideandhistaking
myside.LordChesterfieldhimselfcouldhardlyhavebeenmoregraciousthan
this mounted policeman, who, only a week previously, had threatened to have
thelawonme.
Ifweknowwearegoingtoberebukedanyhow,isn’titfarbettertobeatthe
other person to it and do it ourselves? Isn’t it much easier to listen to self-
criticismthantobearcondemnationfromalienlips?
Sayaboutyourselfallthederogatorythingsyouknowtheotherpersonis
thinkingorwantstosayorintendstosay–andsaythembeforethatpersonhasa
chancetosaythem.Thechancesareahundredtoonethatagenerous,forgiving
attitudewillbetakenandyourmistakeswillbeminimisedjustasthemounted
policemandidwithmeandRex.
Ferdinand E. Warren, a commercial artist, used this technique to win the
goodwillofapetulant,scoldingbuyerofart.
‘It is important, in making drawings for advertising and publishing
purposes,tobepreciseandveryexact,’Mr.Warrensaidashetoldthestory.
‘Somearteditorsdemandthattheircommissionsbeexecutedimmediately;
andinthesecases,someslighterrorisliabletooccur.Iknewoneartdirectorin
particularwhowasalwaysdelightedtofindfaultwithsomelittlething.Ihave
oftenlefthisoffice indisgust,notbecauseofthecriticism,but because of his
methodofattack.RecentlyIdeliveredarushjobtothiseditor,andhephoned
me to call at his office immediately. He said something was wrong. When I
arrived, I found just what I had anticipated – and dreaded. He was hostile,
gloatingoverhischancetocriticise.HedemandedwithheatwhyIhaddoneso
andso.Myopportunityhadcometoapplytheself-criticismIhadbeenstudying
about.SoIsaid:“Mr.So-and-so,ifwhatyousayistrue,Iamatfaultandthereis
absolutelynoexcuseformyblunder.Ihavebeendoingdrawingsforyoulong
enoughtoknowbetter.I’mashamedofmyself.”
‘Immediatelyhestartedtodefendme.“Yes,you’reright,butafterall,this
isn’taseriousmistake.Itisonly—”
‘Iinterruptedhim.“Anymistake,”Isaid,“may becostlyand theyareall
irritating.”
‘Hestartedtobreakin,butIwouldn’tlethim.Iwashavingagrandtime.
Forthefirsttimeinmylife,Iwascriticisingmyself–andIlovedit.
‘“I should have been more careful,” I continued. “You give me a lot of
work,andyoudeservethebest;soI’mgoingtodothisdrawingallover.”
‘“No! No!” he protested. “I wouldn’t think of putting you to all that
trouble.”Hepraisedmywork,assuredmethathewantedonlyaminorchange
andthatmyslighterrorhadn’tcosthisfirmanymoney;and,afterall,itwasa
meredetail–notworthworryingabout.
‘Myeagernesstocriticisemyselftookallthefightoutofhim.Heendedup
bytakingmetolunch;andbeforeweparted,hegavemeachequeandanother
commission.’
There is a certain degree of satisfaction in having the courage to admit
one’serrors.Itnotonlyclearstheairofguiltanddefensiveness,butoftenhelps
solvetheproblemcreatedbytheerror.
Bruce Harvey of Albuquerque, New Mexico, had incorrectly authorised
payment of full wages to an employee on sickleave. When he discovered his
error,hebroughtittotheattentionoftheemployeeandexplainedthattocorrect
themistakehewouldhavetoreducehisnextpaychequebytheentireamountof
theoverpayment.Theemployeepleadedthatasthatwouldcausehimaserious
financialproblem,couldthemoneyberepaidoveraperiodoftime?Inorderto
do this, Harvey explained, he would have to obtain his supervisor’s approval.
‘And this I knew,’ reported Harvey, ‘would result in a boss-type explosion.
While trying to decide how to handle this situation better, I realised that the
wholemesswasmyfaultandIwouldhavetoadmitittomyboss.
‘I walked into his office, told him that I had made a mistake and then
informed him ofthe complete facts. He replied in an explosive manner thatit
was the fault of the personnel department. I repeated that it was my fault. He
exploded again about carelessness in the accounting department. Again I
explainedit wasmyfault. Heblamedtwo otherpeopleintheoffice.Buteach
timeIreiterateditwasmyfault.Finally,helookedatmeandsaid,“Okay,itwas
yourfault.Nowstraightenitout.”Theerrorwascorrectedandnobodygotinto
trouble. I felt greatbecauseI was able tohandle a tense situationandhad the
couragenottoseekalibis.Mybosshashadmorerespectformeeversince.’
Anyfoolcantrytodefendhisorhermistakes–andmostfoolsdo–butit
raisesoneabove theherdandgivesone afeelingofnobilityand exultationto
admitone’smistakes.Forexample,oneofthemostbeautifulthingsthathistory
recordsaboutRobertE.Leeisthewayheblamedhimselfandonlyhimselffor
thefailureofPickett’schargeatGettysburg.
Pickett’schargewasundoubtedlythemostbrilliantandpicturesqueattack
thateveroccurredintheWesternworld.GeneralGeorgeE.Picketthimselfwas
picturesque.Heworehishairsolongthathisauburnlocksalmosttouchedhis
shoulders; and, like Napoleon in his Italian campaigns, he wrote ardent love-
lettersalmostdailywhileonthebattlefield.Hisdevotedtroopscheeredhimthat
tragicJulyafternoonasherodeoffjauntilytowardtheUnionlines,hiscapsetat
a rakish angle over his right ear. They cheered and they followed him, man
touchingman,rankpressingrank,withbannersflyingandbayonetsgleamingin
thesun.Itwasagallantsight.Daring.Magnificent.Amurmurofadmirationran
throughtheUnionlinesastheybeheldit.
Pickett’s troops swept forward at an easy trot, through orchard and
cornfield,acrossameadowandoveraravine.Allthetime,theenemy’scannon
wastearingghastlyholesintheirranks.Butontheypressed,grim,irresistible.
SuddenlytheUnioninfantryrosefrombehindthestonewallonCemetery
Ridge where they had been hiding and fired volley after volley into Pickett’s
onrushingtroops.Thecrestofthehillwasasheetofflame,aslaughterhouse,a
blazingvolcano.Ina few minutes,allofPickett’s brigadecommandersexcept
oneweredown,andfour-fifthsofhisfivethousandmenhadfallen.
General Lewis A. Armistead, leading the troops in the final plunge, ran
forward, vaulted over the stone wall, and, waving his cap on the top of his
sword,shouted:
‘Give’emthesteel,boys!’
They did. They leaped over the wall, bayoneted their enemies, smashed
skulls with clubbed muskets, and planted the battleflags of the South on
CemeteryRidge.
Thebannerswavedthereonlyforamoment.Butthatmoment,briefasit
was,recordedthehigh-watermarkoftheConfederacy.
Pickett’scharge–brilliant,heroic–wasneverthelessthebeginningofthe
end.Leehadfailed.HecouldnotpenetratetheNorth.Andheknewit.
TheSouthwasdoomed.
Leewassosaddened,soshocked,thathesentinhisresignationandasked
Jefferson Davis, the president of the Confederacy, to appoint ‘a younger and
ablerman.’IfLeehadwantedtoblamethedisastrousfailureofPickett’scharge
on someone else, he could have found a score of alibis. Some of his division
commanders had failed him.The cavalry hadn’tarrived in time tosupport the
infantryattack.Thishadgonewrongandthathadgoneawry.
ButLeewasfartoonobletoblameothers.AsPickett’sbeatenandbloody
troopsstruggledbacktotheConfederatelines,RobertE.Leerodeouttomeet
themallaloneandgreetedthemwithaself-condemnationthatwaslittleshortof
sublime.‘Allthishasbeenmyfault,’heconfessed.‘IandIalonehavelostthis
battle.’
Fewgeneralsinallhistoryhavehadthecourageandcharactertoadmitthat.
Michael Cheung, who teachesour course in HongKong, told of howthe
Chinese culture presents some special problems and how sometimes it is
necessary to recognise that the benefit of applying a principle may be more
advantageous than maintaining an oldtradition.He had onemiddle-agedclass
memberwhohad been estranged from his son for manyyears.Thefatherhad
beenanopiumaddict,butwasnowcured.InChinesetraditionanolderperson
cannot take the first step. The father felt that it was up to his son to take the
initiativetowardareconciliation.Inanearlysession,hetoldtheclassaboutthe
grandchildrenhehadneverseenandhowmuchhedesiredtobereunitedwith
hisson.Hisclassmates,allChinese,understoodhisconflictbetweenhisdesire
and long-established tradition. The father felt that young people should have
respectfortheireldersandthathewasrightinnotgivingintohisdesire,butto
waitforhissontocometohim.
Towardtheendofthecoursethefatheragainaddressedhisclass.‘Ihave
ponderedthisproblem,’hesaid.‘DaleCarnegiesays,“Ifyouarewrong,admitit
quickly and emphatically.” It is too late for me to admit it quickly, but I can
admititemphatically.Iwrongedmyson.Hewasrightinnotwantingtoseeme
and to expel me from his life. I may lose face by asking a younger person’s
forgiveness,butIwasatfaultanditismyresponsibilitytoadmitthis.’Theclass
applaudedandgavehimtheirfullsupport.Atthenextclasshetoldhowhewent
tohisson’shouse,askedforandreceivedforgivenessandwasnowembarkedon
a new relationship with his son, his daughter-in-law and the grandchildren he
hadatlastmet.
ElbertHubbardwasoneofthemostoriginalauthorswhoeverstirredupa
nation,andhisstingingsentencesoftenarousedfierceresentment.ButHubbard
withhisrareskillforhandlingpeoplefrequentlyturnedhisenemiesintofriends.
Forexample,whensomeirritatedreaderwroteintosaythathedidn’tagree
withsuchandsuchanarticleandendedbycallingHubbardthisandthat,Elbert
Hubbardwouldanswerlikethis:
Come to think it over, I don’t entirely agree with it myself. Not
everythingIwroteyesterday appealstometoday.Iamglad to learn
what you think on the subject. The next time you are in the
neighbourhood you must visit us and we’ll get this subject threshed
outforalltime.Sohereisahandclaspoverthemiles,andIam,
Yourssincerely,
Whatcouldyousaytoamanwhotreatedyoulikethat?
Whenweareright,let’strytowinpeoplegentlyandtactfullytoourwayof
thinking,andwhenwearewrong–andthatwillbesurprisinglyoften,ifweare
honest with ourselves– let’s admit ourmistakes quickly andwith enthusiasm.
Notonlywillthattechniqueproduceastonishingresults;but,believeitornot,it
isalotmorefun,underthecircumstances,thantryingtodefendoneself.
Remember the old proverb: ‘By fighting you never get enough, but by
yieldingyougetmorethanyouexpected.’
PRINCIPLE3
Ifyouarewrong,admititquicklyandemphatically.
IFYOURTEMPERisarousedandyoutell’emathingortwo,youwillhaveafine
time unloading your feelings. But what about the other person? Will he share
yourpleasure?Willyourbelligerenttones,yourhostileattitude,makeiteasyfor
himtoagreewithyou?
‘Ifyoucomeatmewithyourfistsdoubled,’saidWoodrowWilson,‘Ithink
Icanpromiseyouthatminewilldoubleasfastasyours;butifyoucometome
andsay,“Letussitdownandtakecounseltogether,and,ifwedifferfromeach
other,understandwhyitisthatwediffer,justwhatthepointsatissueare,”we
willpresentlyfindthatwearenotsofarapartafterall,thatthepointsonwhich
wedifferarefewandthepointsonwhichweagreearemany,andthatifweonly
have the patience and the candour and the desire to get together, we will get
together.’
Nobody appreciated the truth of Woodrow Wilson’s statement more than
John D. Rockefeller, Jr. Back in 1915, Rockefeller was the most fiercely
despised man in Colorado. One of the bloodiest strikes in the history of
American industry had been shocking the state for two terrible years. Irate,
belligerent miners were demanding higher wages from the Colorado Fuel and
Iron Company; Rockefeller controlled that company. Property had been
destroyed,troopshadbeen calledout.Bloodhadbeen shed. Strikershadbeen
shot,theirbodiesriddledwithbullets.
Atatimelikethat,withtheairseethingwithhatred,Rockefellerwantedto
win the strikers to his way ofthinking. Andhe did it. How? Here’s the story.
Afterweeksspentinmakingfriends,Rockefelleraddressedtherepresentatives
of the strikers. This speech, in its entirety, is a masterpiece. It produced
astonishingresults.Itcalmedthetempestuouswavesofhatethatthreatenedto
engulfRockefeller. Itwonhimahostofadmirers.Itpresentedfactsinsucha
friendlymannerthatthestrikerswentbacktoworkwithoutsayinganotherword
abouttheincreaseinwagesforwhichtheyhadfoughtsoviolently.
The opening of that remarkable speech follows. Note howit fairlyglows
with friendliness. Rockefeller, remember, was talkingto men who,a few days
previously, had wanted to hang him by the neck to a sour apple tree; yet he
couldn’thavebeenmoregracious,morefriendlyifhehadaddressedagroupof
medicalmissionaries.HisspeechwasradiantwithsuchphrasesasIamproudto
behere,havingvisitedinyourhomes,metmanyofyourwivesandchildren,we
meet here not as strangers, but as friends … spirit of mutual friendship, our
commoninterests,itisonlybyyourcourtesythatIamhere.
‘Thisisared-letterdayinmylife,’Rockefellerbegan.‘ItisthefirsttimeI
haveeverhadthegoodfortunetomeettherepresentativesoftheemployeesof
this great company, its officers and superintendents, together, andI can assure
youthatIamproudtobehere,andthatIshallrememberthisgatheringaslong
asIlive.Hadthismeetingbeenheldtwoweeksago,Ishouldhavestoodherea
strangertomostofyou,recognisingafewfaces.Havinghadtheopportunitylast
week of visiting all the camps in the southern coal field and of talking
individually with practically all of the representatives, except those who were
away;havingvisitedinyourhomes,metmanyofyourwivesandchildren,we
meet here not as strangers, but as friends, and it is in that spirit of mutual
friendship that I am glad to have this opportunity to discuss with you our
commoninterests.
‘Since this is a meeting of the officers of the company and the
representativesoftheemployees,itisonlybyyourcourtesythatIamhere,forI
am not so fortunate as to be either one or the other; and yet I feel that I am
intimately associated with you men, for, in a sense, I represent both the
stockholdersandthedirectors.’
Isn’tthatasuperbexampleofthefineartofmakingfriendsoutofenemies?
SupposeRockefellerhadtakenadifferenttack.Supposehehadarguedwith
those miners and hurled devastating facts in their faces. Suppose he had told
thembyhistonesandinsinuationsthattheywerewrong.Supposethat,byallthe
rulesoflogic,hehadprovedthattheywerewrong.Whatwouldhavehappened?
Moreangerwouldhavebeenstirredup,morehatred,morerevolt.
Ifaman’sheartisranklingwithdiscordandillfeelingtowardyou,
you can’t win him to your way of thinking with all the logic in
Christendom. Scolding parents and domineering bosses and
husbandsandnaggingwivesoughttorealizethatpeopledon’twant
tochangetheirminds.Theycan’tbeforcedordriventoagreewith
you or me. But they may possibly be led to, if we are gentle and
friendly,eversogentleandeversofriendly.
Lincolnsaidthat,ineffect,overahundredyearsago.Herearehiswords:
It is an old and true maxim that ‘a drop of honey catches more
fliesthanagallonofgall.’Sowithmen,ifyouwouldwinamanto
your cause, first convince him that you are his sincere friend.
Thereinisadropofhoneythatcatcheshisheart;which,saywhat
youwill,isthegreathighroadtohisreason.
Business executives have learned that it pays to be friendly to strikers. For
example,when2,500employeesintheWhiteMotorCompany’splantstruckfor
higherwagesandaunionshop,RobertF.Black,thenpresidentofthecompany,
didn’t lose his temper and condemn and threaten and talk of tyranny and
Communists.Heactuallypraisedthestrikers.Hepublishedanadvertisementin
theClevelandpapers,complimentingthemon‘thepeacefulwayinwhichthey
laiddowntheirtools.’Findingthestrikepicketsidle,heboughtthemacoupleof
dozenbaseballbatsandglovesandinvitedthemtoplayballonvacantlots.For
thosewhopreferredbowling,herentedabowlingalley.
ThisfriendlinessonMr.Black’spartdidwhatfriendlinessalwaysdoes:it
begotfriendliness.Sothestrikersborrowedbrooms,shovels,andrubbishcarts,
andbeganpickingupmatches,papers,cigarettestubs,andcigarbuttsaroundthe
factory. Imagine it! Imagine strikers tidying up the factory grounds while
battlingforhigherwagesandrecognitionoftheunion.Suchaneventhadnever
beenheardofbeforeinthelong,tempestuoushistoryofAmericanlabourwars.
Thatstrikeendedwithacompromisesettlementwithinaweek–endedwithout
anyillfeelingorrancour.
DanielWebster,wholookedlikeagodandtalkedlikeJehovah,wasoneof
the most successful advocates who ever pleaded a case; yet he ushered in his
mostpowerfulargumentswithsuchfriendlyremarksas:‘Itwillbeforthejury
toconsider,’‘Thismay,perhaps,beworththinkingof,’‘Herearesomefactsthat
Itrustyouwillnotlosesightof,’or‘You,withyourknowledgeofhumannature,
willeasilyseethesignificanceofthesefacts.’Nobulldozing.Nohigh-pressure
methods. No attempt to force his opinions on others. Webster used the soft-
spoken,quiet,friendlyapproach,andithelpedtomakehimfamous.
Youmayneverbecalledupontosettleastrikeoraddressajury,butyou
may want toget your rentreduced. Will the friendlyapproach help youthen?
Let’ssee.
O.L.Straub,anengineer,wantedtogethisrentreduced.Andheknewhis
landlordwashard-boiled.‘Iwrotehim,’Mr.Straubsaidinaspeechbeforethe
class, ‘notifying him that I was vacating my apartment as soon as my lease
expired.Thetruthwas,Ididn’twanttomove.IwantedtostayifIcouldgetmy
rentreduced. But the situation seemed hopeless. Othertenantshadtried– and
failed.Everyonetoldmethatthelandlordwasextremelydifficulttodealwith.
ButIsaidtomyself,“Iamstudyingacourseinhowtodealwithpeople,soI’ll
tryitonhim–andseehowitworks.”
‘Heandhissecretarycametoseemeassoonashegotmyletter.Imethim
at the door with a friendly greeting. I fairly bubbled with good will and
enthusiasm.Ididn’tbegintalkingabouthowhightherentwas.Ibegantalking
abouthowmuchIlikedhisapartmenthouse.Believeme,Iwas“heartyinmy
approbationandlavishinmypraise.”Icomplimentedhimonthewayheranthe
building and told him I should like so much to stay for another year but I
couldn’taffordit.
‘He had evidently never had such a reception from a tenant. He hardly
knewwhattomakeofit.
‘Then he started to tell me his troubles. Complaining tenants. One had
written him fourteen letters, some of them positively insulting. Another
threatenedtobreakhisleaseunlessthelandlordkeptthemanonthefloorabove
fromsnoring.“Whatareliefitis,”hesaid,“tohaveasatisfiedtenantlikeyou.”
Andthen,withoutmyevenaskinghimtodoit,heofferedtoreducemyrenta
little.Iwantedmore,soInamedthefigureIcouldaffordtopay,andheaccepted
withoutaword.
‘Ashewasleaving,heturnedtomeandasked,“WhatdecoratingcanIdo
foryou?”
‘IfIhadtriedtogettherentreducedbythemethodstheothertenantswere
using,IampositiveIshouldhavemetwiththesamefailuretheyencountered.It
wasthefriendly,sympathetic,appreciativeapproachthatwon.’
Dean Woodcock of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, is the superintendent of a
department of the local electric company. His staff was called upon to repair
some equipment on top of a pole. This type of work had formerly been
performedby a differentdepartmentand had only recentlybeentransferredto
Woodcock’ssection.Althoughhispeoplehadbeentrainedinthework,thiswas
thefirsttimetheyhadeveractuallybeencalledupontodoit.Everybodyinthe
organisation was interested in seeing if and how they could handle it. Mr.
Woodcock, several of his subordinate managers, and members of other
departmentsoftheutilitywenttoseetheoperation.Manycarsandtruckswere
there,andanumberofpeoplewerestandingaroundwatchingthetwolonemen
ontopofthepole.
Glancingaround,Woodcocknoticedamanupthestreetgettingoutofhis
car with a camera. He began taking pictures of the scene. Utility people are
extremelyconsciousofpublicrelations,andsuddenlyWoodcockrealisedwhat
thissetuplookedliketo themanwith thecamera– overkill,dozensofpeople
being called out to do a two-person job. He strolled up the street to the
photographer.
‘Iseeyou’reinterestedinouroperation.’
‘Yes,andmymotherwillbemorethaninterested.Sheownsstockinyour
company. This will be an eye-opener for her. She may even decide her
investment was unwise. I’ve been telling her for years there’s a lot of waste
motionincompanieslikeyours.Thisprovesit.Thenewspapersmightlikethese
pictures,too.’
‘Itdoeslooklikeit,doesn’tit?I’dthink the same thing inyourposition.
Butthisisauniquesituation...‘andDeanWoodcockwentontoexplainhow
this was the firstjob of thistypefor his departmentand how everybody from
executives down was interested. He assured the man that under normal
conditions two people could handle the job. The photographer put away his
camera,shookWoodcock’shand,andthankedhimfortakingthetimetoexplain
thesituationtohim.
Dean Woodcock’s friendly approach saved his company much
embarrassmentandbadpublicity.
Anothermemberofoneofourclasses,GeraldH.WinnofLittleton,New
Hampshire, reported how by using a friendly approach, he obtained a very
satisfactorysettlementonadamageclaim.
‘Earlyinthespring,’hereported,‘beforethegroundhadthawedfromthe
winter freezing, there was an unusually heavy rainstorm and the water, which
normallywouldhaverunofftonearbyditchesandstormdrainsalongtheroad,
tookanewcourseontoabuildinglotwhereIhadjustbuiltanewhome.
‘Notbeingabletorunoff,thewaterpressurebuiltuparoundthefoundation
ofthehouse.Thewaterforceditselfundertheconcretebasementfloor,causing
ittoexplode,andthebasementfilledwithwater.Thisruinedthefurnaceandthe
hot-waterheater.Thecosttorepairthisdamagewasinexcessoftwothousand
dollars.Ihadnoinsurancetocoverthistypeofdamage.
‘However,Isoonfoundoutthattheownerofthesubdivisionhadneglected
toputinastormdrainnearthehousewhichcouldhavepreventedthisproblem.I
madeanappointmenttoseehim.Duringthetwenty-five-miletriptohisoffice,I
carefullyreviewedthesituationand,rememberingtheprinciplesIlearnedinthis
course, I decided that showing my anger would not serve any worthwhile
purpose.WhenIarrived,Ikeptverycalmandstartedbytalkingabouthisrecent
vacationtotheWestIndies;then,whenIfeltthetimingwasright,Imentioned
the “little” problem of water damage. He quickly agreed to do his share in
helpingtocorrecttheproblem.
‘Afewdayslaterhecalledandsaidhewouldpayforthedamageandalso
putinastormdraintopreventthesamethingfromhappeninginthefuture.
‘Eventhoughitwasthefaultoftheownerofthesubdivision,ifIhadnot
begun in a friendly way, there would have been a great deal of difficulty in
gettinghimtoagreetothetotalliability.’
Years ago, when I was a barefoot boy walking through the woods to a
countryschoolout innorthwestMissouri,Iread afableaboutthe sun andthe
wind. They quarrelled about which was the stronger, and the wind said, ‘I’ll
proveIam.Seetheoldmandowntherewithacoat?IbetIcangethiscoatoff
himquickerthanyoucan.’
So the sun wentbehinda cloud, andthewind blew until itwas almost a
tornado,buttheharderitblew,thetightertheoldmanclutchedhiscoattohim.
Finally, the wind calmed down and gave up, and then the sun came out
frombehindthecloudsandsmiledkindlyontheoldman.Presently,hemopped
hisbrowandpulledoffhiscoat.Thesunthentoldthewindthatgentlenessand
friendlinesswerealwaysstrongerthanfuryandforce.
The use of gentleness and friendliness is demonstrated day after day by
peoplewhohavelearnedthatadropofhoneycatchesmorefliesthanagallonof
gall.F.GaleConnorofLutherville,Maryland,provedthiswhenhehadtotake
hisfour-month-oldcartotheservice departmentofthecardealer forthethird
time. He told our class: ‘It was apparent that talking to, reasoning with or
shoutingattheservicemanagerwasnotgoingtoleadtoasatisfactoryresolution
ofmyproblems.
‘I walked over to the showroom and asked to see the agency owner, Mr.
White. After a short wait, I was ushered into Mr. White’s office. I introduced
myself and explained to him that I had bought my car from his dealership
becauseoftherecommendationsoffriendswhohadhadpreviousdealingswith
him. I was told that his prices were very competitive and his service was
outstanding.Hesmiledwithsatisfactionashelistenedto me. I then explained
the problem I was having with the service department. “I thought you might
want to be aware of any situation that might tarnish your fine reputation,” I
added.Hethankedmefor callingthis to his attention and assured me that my
problemwouldbetakencareof.Notonlydidhepersonallygetinvolved,buthe
alsolentmehiscartousewhileminewasbeingrepaired.’
Aesop was a Greek slave who lived at the court of Croesus and spun
immortalfablessixhundredyearsbeforeChrist.Yetthetruthshetaughtabout
human nature are just as true in Boston and Birmingham now as they were
twenty-six centuries ago in Athens. The sun can make you take off your coat
more quickly than the wind; and kindliness, the friendly approach and
appreciation can make people change their minds more readily than all the
blusterandstormingintheworld.
RememberwhatLincolnsaid:‘Adropofhoneycatchesmorefliesthana
gallonofgall.’
PRINCIPLE4
Begininafriendlyway.
IN TALKING WITH people, don’t begin by discussing the things on which you
differ.Beginbyemphasising–andkeeponemphasising–thethingsonwhich
youagree.Keepemphasising,ifpossible,thatyouarebothstrivingforthesame
endandthatyouronlydifferenceisoneofmethodandnotofpurpose.
Gettheotherpersonsaying‘Yes,yes’attheoutset.Keepyouropponent,if
possible,fromsaying‘No.’
A ‘No’ response, according to Professor Overstreet,
1
is a most difficult
handicaptoovercome.When youhavesaid‘No,’allyour prideofpersonality
demands that you remain consistent with yourself. Youmay later feel that the
‘No’wasill-advised;nevertheless,thereisyourpreciouspridetoconsider!Once
havingsaidathing,youfeelyoumuststicktoit.Henceitisoftheverygreatest
importancethatapersonbestartedintheaffirmativedirection.
The skilful speaker gets, at the outset, a number of ‘Yes’ responses. This
sets the psychological process of the listeners moving in the affirmative
direction.Itislikethemovementofabilliardball.Propelinonedirection,andit
takes some force to deflect it; far more force to send it back in the opposite
direction.
Thepsychologicalpatternsherearequiteclear. When apersonsays‘No’
andreallymeansit,heorsheisdoingfarmorethansayingawordoftwoletters.
Theentireorganism–glandular,nervous,muscular–gathersitselftogetherinto
aconditionofrejection.Thereis,usuallyinminutebutsometimesinobservable
degree, a physical withdrawal or readiness for withdrawal. The whole
neuromuscularsystem,inshort,setsitselfonguardagainstacceptance.When,to
thecontrary,apersonsays‘Yes,’noneofthewithdrawalactivitiestakesplace.
Theorganismisinaforward-moving,accepting,openattitude.Hencethemore
‘Yeses’wecan,attheveryoutset,induce,themorelikelywearetosucceedin
capturingtheattentionforourultimateproposal.
Itisaverysimpletechnique–thisyesresponse.Andyet,howmuchitis
neglected! It often seems as if people get a sense of their own importance by
antagonisingothersattheoutset.
Getastudenttosay‘No’atthebeginning,oracustomer,child,husband,or
wife, and it takes the wisdom and the patience of angels to transform that
bristlingnegativeintoanaffirmative.
The use of this ‘yes, yes’ technique enabled James Eberson, who was a
tellerintheGreenwichSavingsBank,inNewYorkCity,tosecureaprospective
customerwhomightotherwisehavebeenlost.
‘Thismancameintoopenanaccount,’saidMr.Eberson,‘andIgavehim
ourusualformtofillout.Someofthequestionsheansweredwillingly,butthere
wereothersheflatlyrefusedtoanswer.
‘Before I began the study of human relations, I would have told this
prospective depositor that if he refused to give the bank this information, we
should have to refuse to accept this account. I am ashamed that I have been
guiltyofdoingthatverythinginthepast.Naturally,anultimatumlikethatmade
mefeelgood.Ihadshownwhowasboss,thatthebank’srulesandregulations
couldn’t be flouted. But that sort of attitude certainly didn’t give a feeling of
welcomeandimportancetothemanwhohadwalkedintogiveushispatronage.
‘I resolved this morning to use a little horse sense. I resolved not to talk
aboutwhatthebankwantedbutaboutwhatthecustomerwanted.Andaboveall
else, I was determined to get him saying ‘yes, yes’ from the very start. So I
agreedwithhim.Itoldhimtheinformationherefusedtogivewasnotabsolutely
necessary.
‘“However,” I said,“supposeyouhavemoney in thisbankatyourdeath.
Wouldn’tyouliketohavethebanktransferittoyournextofkin,whoisentitled
toitaccordingtolaw?”
‘“Yes,ofcourse,”hereplied.
‘“Don’tyouthink,”Icontinued,“thatitwouldbeagoodideatogiveusthe
nameofyournextofkinsothat,intheeventofyourdeath,wecouldcarryout
yourwisheswithouterrorordelay?”
‘Againhesaid,“Yes.”
‘Theyoungman’sattitudesoftenedandchangedwhenherealisedthatwe
weren’taskingforthisinformationforoursakebutforhissake.Beforeleaving
thebank,thisyoungmannotonlygavemecompleteinformationabouthimself
but he opened, at my suggestion, a trust account, naming his mother as the
beneficiary for his account, and he had gladly answered all the questions
concerninghismotheralso.
‘Ifoundthatbygettinghimtosay“yes,yes”fromtheoutset,heforgotthe
issueatstakeandwashappytodoallthethingsIsuggested.’
JosephAllison,asalesrepresentativeforWestinghouseElectricCompany,
hadthis story to tell: ‘There was amaninmy territory that our company was
mosteager to sell to. Mypredecessorhad called on him fortenyearswithout
sellinganything.WhenItookovertheterritory,Icalledsteadilyforthreeyears
withoutgettinganorder.Finally,afterthirteenyearsofcallsandsalestalk,we
sold him a few motors. If these proved to be all right, an order for several
hundredmorewouldfollow.Suchwasmyexpectation.
‘Right?Iknewtheywouldbeallright.SowhenIcalledthreeweekslater,I
wasinhighspirits.
‘Thechiefengineergreetedmewiththisshockingannouncement:“Allison,
Ican’tbuytheremainderofthemotorsfromyou.”
‘“Why?”Iaskedinamazement.“Why?”
‘“Becauseyourmotorsaretoohot.Ican’tputmyhandonthem.”
‘Iknewitwouldn’tdoanygoodtoargue.Ihadtriedthatsortofthingtoo
long.SoIthoughtofgettingthe“yes,yes”response.
‘“Well,nowlook,Mr.Smith,”Isaid.“Iagreewithyouahundredpercent;
ifthosemotorsarerunningtoohot,yououghtnottobuyanymoreofthem.You
musthavemotorsthatwon’t run anyhotterthanstandardssetbytheNational
ElectricalManufacturersAssociation.Isn’tthatso?’
‘Heagreeditwas.Ihadgottenmyfirst“yes.”
‘“TheElectricalManufacturersAssociationregulationssaythataproperly
designedmotor may have atemperatureof72 degrees Fahrenheit above room
temperature.Isthatcorrect?”
‘“Yes,”heagreed.“That’squitecorrect.Butyourmotorsaremuchhotter.”
‘Ididn’targuewithhim.Imerelyasked:“Howhotisthemillroom?”
‘“Oh,”hesaid,“about75degreesFahrenheit.”
‘“Well,”Ireplied,“ifthemillroomis75degreesandyouadd72tothat,
thatmakesatotalof 147degreesFahrenheit.Wouldn’tyouscaldyour handif
you held it under a spigot of hot water at a temperature of 147 degrees
Fahrenheit?”
‘Againhehadtosay“yes.”
‘“Well,” I suggested, “wouldn’t it be a good idea to keep your hands off
thosemotors?”
‘“Well,Iguessyou’reright,’headmitted.Wecontinuedtochatforawhile.
Then he called his secretary and lined up approximately $35,000 worth of
businessfortheensuingmonth.
‘Ittookmeyearsandcostmecountlessthousandsofdollarsinlostbusiness
before I finally learned that it doesn’t pay to argue, that it is much more
profitableandmuch more interesting to look atthingsfromtheother person’s
viewpointandtrytogetthatpersonsaying“yes,yes.”’
EddieSnow,whosponsorsourcoursesinOakland,California,tellshowhe
becameagoodcustomerofashopbecausetheproprietorgothimtosay‘yes,
yes.’ Eddie had become interested in bow hunting and had spent considerable
moneyinpurchasingequipmentandsuppliesfromalocalbowstore.Whenhis
brotherwasvisitinghimhe wantedtorentabowforhimfromthisstore.The
salesclerktoldhimtheydidn’trentbows,soEddiephonedanotherbowstore.
Eddiedescribedwhathappened:
‘A very pleasant gentleman answered the phone. His response to my
questionforarentalwascompletelydifferentfromtheotherplace.Hesaidhe
wassorrybuttheynolongerrentedbowsbecausetheycouldn’taffordtodoso.
HethenaskedmeifIhadrentedbefore.Ireplied,“Yes,severalyearsago.”He
remindedmethatIprobablypaid$25to$30fortherental.Isaid“yes”again.
HethenaskedifIwasthekindofpersonwholikedtosavemoney.Naturally,I
answered “yes.” He went on to explain that they had bow sets with all the
necessary equipment on sale for $34.95. I could buy a complete set for only
$4.95 more than I could rent one. He explained that is why they had
discontinuedrentingthem.DidIthinkthatwasreasonable?My“yes”response
ledtoapurchaseoftheset,and whenIpicked itupIpurchasedseveralmore
itemsatthisshopandhavesincebecomearegularcustomer.’
Socrates,‘the gadfly of Athens,’ wasoneof the greatest philosophers the
world has ever known. He did something that only a handful of men in all
history have been able to do: he sharply changed the whole course of human
thought;andnow,twenty-fourcenturiesafterhisdeath,heishonouredasoneof
thewisestpersuaderswhoeverinfluencedthiswranglingworld.
Hismethod?Didhetellpeopletheywerewrong?Oh,no,notSocrates.He
was far too adroit for that. His whole technique, now called the ‘Socratic
method,’wasbasedupongettinga‘yes,yes’response.Heaskedquestionswith
which his opponent would have to agree. He kept on winning one admission
afteranotheruntilhehadanarmfulofyeses.Hekeptonaskingquestionsuntil
finally,almostwithoutrealisingit,hisopponentsfoundthemselvesembracinga
conclusiontheywouldhavebitterlydeniedafewminutespreviously.
The next time we are tempted to tell someone he or she is wrong, let’s
rememberoldSocratesandaskagentlequestion–aquestionthatwillgetthe
‘yes,yes’response.
The Chinese have a proverb pregnant with the age-old wisdom of the
Orient:‘Hewhotreadssoftlygoesfar.’
Theyhavespentfivethousandyearsstudyinghumannature,thosecultured
Chinese,andtheyhavegarneredalotofperspicacity:‘Hewhotreadssoftlygoes
far.’
PRINCIPLE5
MOSTPEOPLETRYINGtowinotherstotheirwayofthinkingdotoomuchtalking
themselves. Let the other people talk themselves out. They know more about
theirbusinessandproblemsthanyoudo.Soaskthemquestions.Letthemtell
youafewthings.
Ifyoudisagreewiththemyoumaybetemptedtointerrupt.Butdon’t.Itis
dangerous.Theywon’tpayattentiontoyouwhiletheystillhavealotofideasof
theirowncryingforexpression.Solistenpatientlyandwithanopenmind.Be
sincereaboutit.Encouragethemtoexpresstheirideasfully.
Does this policy pay in business? Let’s see. Here is the story of a sales
representativewhowasforcedtotryit.
One of the largest automobile manufacturers in the United States was
negotiating for a year’s requirements of upholstery fabrics. Three important
manufacturers had worked up fabrics in sample bodies. These had all been
inspectedbytheexecutivesofthemotorcompany,andnoticehadbeensentto
each manufacturer saying that, on a certain day, a representative from each
supplierwouldbegivenanopportunitytomakeafinalpleaforthecontract.
G.B.R.,arepresentativeofonemanufacturer,arrivedintownwithasevere
attack of laryngitis. ‘When it came my turn to meet the executives in
conference,’Mr.R–saidasherelatedthestorybeforeoneofmyclasses,‘Ihad
lost my voice. I could hardly whisper. I was ushered into a room and found
myselffacetofacewiththetextileengineer,thepurchasingagent,thedirectorof
salesandthepresidentofthecompany.Istoodupandmadeavalianteffortto
speak,butIcouldn’tdoanythingmorethansqueak.
‘They were all seated around a table, so I wrote on a pad of paper:
“Gentlemen,Ihavelostmyvoice.Iamspeechless.”
‘“I’lldothetalkingforyou,”thepresidentsaid.Hedid.Heexhibitedmy
samplesandpraisedtheirgoodpoints.Alivelydiscussionaroseaboutthemerits
ofmygoods.Andthepresident,sincehewastalkingforme,tookthepositionI
wouldhavehadduringthediscussion.Mysoleparticipationconsistedofsmiles,
nodsandafewgestures.
‘Asaresultofthisuniqueconference,Iwasawardedthecontract,which
calledforoverhalfamillionyardsofupholsteryfabricsatanaggregatevalueof
$1,600,000–thebiggestorderIhadeverreceived.
‘IknowIwouldhavelostthecontractifIhadn’tlostmyvoice,becauseI
hadthewrongideaaboutthewholeproposition.Idiscovered,quitebyaccident,
howrichlyitsometimespaystolettheotherpersondothetalking.’
Lettingtheotherpersondothetalkinghelpsinfamilysituationsaswellas
in business. Barbara Wilson’s relationship with her daughter, Laurie, was
deterioratingrapidly.Laurie,whohadbeenaquiet,complacentchild,hadgrown
intoanuncooperative,sometimesbelligerentteenager.Mrs.Wilsonlecturedher,
threatenedherandpunishedher,butalltonoavail.
‘Oneday,’Mrs.Wilsontoldoneofourclasses,‘Ijustgaveup.Lauriehad
disobeyed me and had left the house to visit her girl friend before she had
completedherchores. WhenshereturnedIwas abouttoscreamather forthe
ten-thousandthtime,butIjustdidn’thavethestrengthtodoit.Ijustlookedat
herandsaidsadly,“Why,Laurie,Why?”
‘Laurienotedmyconditionandinacalmvoiceasked,“Doyoureallywant
toknow?”InoddedandLaurietold me, firsthesitantly, and thenitallflowed
out.Ihadneverlistenedtoher.Iwasalwaystellinghertodothisorthat.When
she wanted to tell me her thoughts, feelings, ideas, I interrupted with more
orders.Ibegantorealisethatsheneededme–notasabossymother,butasa
confidante,anoutletforallherconfusionaboutgrowingup.AndallIhadbeen
doingwastalkingwhenIshouldhavebeenlistening.Ineverheardher.
‘FromthattimeonIletherdoallthetalkingshewanted.Shetellsmewhat
isonhermind,andourrelationshiphasimprovedimmeasurably.Sheisagaina
cooperativeperson.’
A large advertisement appeared on the financial page of a New York
newspapercallingforapersonwithunusualabilityandexperience.CharlesT.
Cubellisansweredtheadvertisement,sendinghisreplytoaboxnumber.Afew
dayslater,hewasinvitedbylettertocallforaninterview.Beforehecalled,he
spenthoursinWallStreetfindingouteverythingpossibleaboutthepersonwho
had founded the business. During the interview, he remarked: ‘I should be
mightyproudto be associated with an organisationwitharecordlikeyours.I
understandyoustartedtwenty-eightyearsagowithnothingbutdeskroomand
onestenographer.Isthattrue?’
Almosteverysuccessfulpersonlikestoreminisceabouthisearlystruggles.
Thismanwasnoexception.Hetalkedforalongtimeabouthowhehadstarted
with $450 in cash and an original idea. He told how he had fought against
discouragement and battled against ridicule, working Sundays and holidays,
twelvetosixteenhoursaday;howhehadfinallywonagainstalloddsuntilnow
the most important executives on Wall Street were coming to him for
informationandguidance.Hewasproudofsucharecord.Hehadarighttobe,
andhehadasplendidtimetellingaboutit.Finally,hequestionedMr.Cubellis
brieflyabouthisexperience,thencalledinoneofhisvicepresidentsandsaid:‘I
thinkthisisthepersonwearelookingfor.’
Mr.Cubellishadtakenthetroubletofindoutabouttheaccomplishmentsof
his prospective employer. He showed an interest in the other person and his
problems.Heencouragedtheotherpersontodomostofthetalking–andmade
afavourableimpression.
Roy G. Bradley of Sacramento,California, had theopposite problem. He
listened as a good prospect for a sales position talked himself into a job with
Bradley’sfirm.Royreported:
‘Being a small brokerage firm, we had no fringe benefits, such as
hospitalisation, medical insurance and pensions. Every representative is an
independent agent. We don’t even provide leads for prospects, as we cannot
advertiseforthemasourlargercompetitorsdo.
‘RichardPryorhadthetypeofexperiencewewantedforthisposition,and
hewasinterviewedfirstbymyassistant, who told him about allthenegatives
relatedtothisjob.Heseemedslightlydiscouragedwhenhecameintomyoffice.
Imentionedtheonebenefitofbeingassociatedwithmyfirm,thatofbeingan
independentcontractorandthereforevirtuallybeingself-employed.
‘Ashetalkedabouttheseadvantagestome,hetalkedhimselfoutofeach
negative thought he had when he came in for the interview. Several times it
seemedasthoughhewashalftalkingtohimselfashewasthinkingthrougheach
thought.AttimesIwastemptedtoaddtohisthoughts;however,astheinterview
cametoacloseIfelthehadconvincedhimselfverymuchonhisownthathe
wouldliketoworkformyfirm.
‘BecauseIhadbeenagoodlistenerandletDickdomostofthetalking,he
was able to weigh both sides fairly in his mind, and he came to the positive
conclusion,whichwasachallengehecreatedforhimself.Wehiredhimandhe
hasbeenanoutstandingrepresentativeforourfirm.’
Even our friends would much rather talk to us about their achievements
thanlistentousboastaboutours.
La Rochefoucauld, the French philosopher, said: ‘If you want enemies,
excelyourfriends;butifyouwantfriends,letyourfriendsexcelyou.’
Whyisthattrue?Becausewhenourfriendsexcelus,theyfeelimportant;
butwhenweexcelthem,they–oratleastsomeofthem–willfeelinferiorand
envious.
By far the best-liked placement counsellor in the Midtown Personnel
AgencyinNewYorkCitywasHenriettaG–.Ithadn’talwaysbeenthatway.
Duringthefirstfewmonthsofherassociationwiththeagency,Henriettadidn’t
haveasinglefriendamonghercolleagues.Why?Becauseeverydayshewould
bragabouttheplacementsshehadmade,thenewaccountsshehadopened,and
anythingelseshehadaccomplished.
‘Iwasgoodatmyworkandproudofit,’Henriettatoldoneofourclasses.
‘Butinsteadofmycolleaguessharingmytriumphs,theyseemedtoresentthem.
I wanted to be liked by these people. I really wanted them to be my friends.
Afterlisteningtosomeofthesuggestionsmadeinthiscourse,Istartedtotalk
aboutmyselflessandlistenmoretomyassociates.Theyalsohadthingstoboast
aboutandweremoreexcitedabouttellingmeabouttheiraccomplishmentsthan
about listening to my boasting. Now, when we have some time to chat, I ask
them to share their joys with me, and I only mention my achievements when
theyask.’
PRINCIPLE6
Lettheotherpersondoagreatdealofthetalking.
DON’TYOUHAVEmuchmorefaithinideasthatyoudiscoverforyourselfthanin
ideasthatarehandedtoyouonasilverplatter?Ifso,isn’titbadjudgementto
trytoramyouropinionsdownthethroatsofotherpeople?Isn’titwisertomake
suggestions–andlettheotherpersonthinkouttheconclusion?
Adolph Seltz of Philadelphia, sales manager in an automobile showroom
andastudentinoneofmycourses,suddenlyfoundhimselfconfrontedwiththe
necessityofinjectingenthusiasmintoadiscouragedanddisorganisedgroupof
automobilesalespeople.Callingasalesmeeting,heurgedhispeopletotellhim
exactlywhattheyexpectedfromhim.Astheytalked,hewrotetheirideasonthe
blackboard.Hethensaid:‘I’llgiveyouallthesequalitiesyouexpectfromme.
NowIwantyoutotellmewhatIhavearighttoexpectfromyou.’Thereplies
came quick and fast: loyalty, honesty, initiative, optimism, teamwork, eight
hoursadayofenthusiasticwork.Themeetingendedwithanewcourage,anew
inspiration–onesalespersonvolunteeredtoworkfourteenhoursaday–andMr.
Seltzreportedtomethattheincreaseofsaleswasphenomenal.
‘Thepeoplehadmadeasortofmoralbargainwithme,’saidMr.Seltz,‘and
aslongasIliveduptomypartinit,theyweredeterminedtoliveuptotheirs.
Consultingthemabouttheirwishesanddesireswasjusttheshotinthearmthey
needed.’
Noonelikestofeelthatheorsheisbeingsoldsomethingortoldtodoa
thing.Wemuchprefertofeelthatwearebuyingofourownaccordoractingon
our own ideas. We like to be consulted about our wishes, our wants, our
thoughts.
TakethecaseofEugeneWesson.Helostcountlessthousandsofdollarsin
commissionsbeforehelearnedthistruth.Mr.Wessonsoldsketchesforastudio
thatcreateddesignsforstylistsandtextilemanufacturers.Mr.Wessonhadcalled
ononeoftheleadingstylistsinNewYorkonceaweek,everyweekforthree
years.‘Heneverrefusedtoseeme,’saidMr.Wesson,‘butheneverbought.He
always looked over my sketches very carefully and then said: “No, Wesson, I
guesswedon’tgettogethertoday.”’
After 150 failures, Wesson realised he must be in a mental rut, so he
resolved to devote one evening a week to the study of influencing human
behaviour,tohelphimdevelopnewideasandgeneratenewenthusiasm.
He decided on this new approach. With half a dozen unfinished artists’
sketchesunderhisarm,herushedovertothebuyer’soffice.‘Iwantyoutodo
me a little favour, ifyouwill,’ he said. ‘Herearesome uncompleted sketches.
Won’tyoupleasetellmehowwecouldfinishthemupinsuchawaythatyou
couldusethem?’
The buyer looked at the sketches for a while without uttering a word.
Finallyhe said: ‘Leave these withmefora few days, Wesson, and thencome
backandseeme.’
Wesson returned three days later, got his suggestions, took the sketches
back to the studio and had them finished according to the buyer’s ideas. The
result?Allaccepted.
After that, this buyer ordered scores of other sketches from Wesson, all
drawnaccordingtothebuyer’sideas.‘IrealisedwhyIhadfailedforyearstosell
him,’saidMr.Wesson.‘IhadurgedhimtobuywhatIthoughtheoughttohave.
ThenIchangedmyapproachcompletely.Iurgedhimtogivemehisideas.This
madehimfeelthathewascreatingthedesigns.Andhewas.Ididn’thavetosell
him.Hebought.’
Lettingtheotherpersonfeelthattheideaishisorhersnotonlyworksin
business and politics, it works in family life as well. Paul M. Davis of Tulsa,
Oklahoma,toldhisclasshowheappliedthisprinciple:
‘MyfamilyandIenjoyedoneofthemostinterestingsightseeingvacation
tripswehaveevertaken.Ihadlongdreamedofvisitingsuchhistoricsitesasthe
CivilWarbattlefieldinGettysburg,IndependenceHallinPhiladelphia,andour
nation’s capital. Valley Forge, Jamestown and the restored colonial village of
WilliamsburgwerehighonthelistofthingsIwantedtosee.
‘InMarchmywife,Nancy, mentionedthatshehadideasforoursummer
vacationwhichincludedatourofthewesternstates,visitingpointsofinterestin
NewMexico,Arizona,CaliforniaandNevada.Shehadwantedtomakethistrip
forseveralyears.Butwecouldn’tobviouslymakebothtrips.
‘Ourdaughter,Anne,hadjustcompletedacourseinU.S.historyinjunior
high school andhad become veryinterested in theevents that had shaped our
country’s growth. I asked her how she would like to visit the places she had
learnedaboutonournextvacation.Shesaidshewouldloveto.
‘Two evenings later as we sat around the dinner table, Nancy announced
thatifweallagreed,thesummer’svacationwouldbetotheeasternstates,thatit
wouldbeagreattripforAnneandthrillingforallofus.Weallconcurred.’
This same psychology was used by an X-ray manufacturer to sell his
equipmenttooneofthelargesthospitalsinBrooklyn.Thishospitalwasbuilding
an addition and preparing to equip it with the finest X-ray department in
America. Dr. L – , who was in charge of the X-ray department, was
overwhelmed with sales representatives, each caroling the praises of his own
company’sequipment.
One manufacturer, however, was more skilful. He knew far more about
handlinghumannaturethantheothersdid.Hewrotealettersomethinglikethis:
OurfactoryhasrecentlycompletedanewlineofX-rayequipment.
Thefirstshipmentofthesemachineshasjustarrivedatouroffice.
They are not perfect. We know that, and we want to improve
them. So we should be deeply obligated to you if you could find
timetolookthemoverandgiveusyourideasabouthowtheycan
be made more serviceable to your profession. Knowing how
occupied you are, I shall be glad to send my car for you at any
houryouspecify.
‘Iwassurprisedtogetthatletter,’Dr.L–saidasherelatedtheincidentbefore
the class. ‘I was both surprised and complimented. I had never had an X-ray
manufacturerseekingmyadvicebefore.Itmademefeelimportant.Iwasbusy
everynightthatweek,butIcancelledadinnerappointmentinordertolookover
the equipment. The more I studied it, the more I discovered for myself how
muchIlikedit.
‘Nobody had tried to sell it to me. I felt that the idea of buying that
equipmentfor thehospitalwas myown.Isoldmyselfonitssuperiorqualities
andordereditinstalled.’
RalphWaldoEmersoninhisessay‘Self-Reliance’stated:‘Ineveryworkof
genius we recognise our own rejected thoughts; they come back to us with a
certainalienatedmajesty.’
ColonelEdwardM.Housewieldedanenormousinfluenceinnationaland
internationalaffairswhileWoodrowWilsonoccupiedtheWhiteHouse.Wilson
leaneduponColonelHouseforsecretcounselandadvicemorethanhedidupon
evenmembersofhisowncabinet.
WhatmethoddidtheColoneluseininfluencingthePresident?Fortunately,
weknow,forHousehimselfrevealedittoArthurD.HowdenSmith,andSmith
quotedHouseinanarticleinTheSaturdayEveningPost.
‘“AfterIgottoknowthePresident,”Housesaid,“Ilearnedthebestwayto
converthimtoanideawastoplantitinhismindcasually,butsoastointerest
himinit–soastogethimthinkingaboutitonhisownaccount.Thefirsttime
thisworkeditwasanaccident.IhadbeenvisitinghimattheWhiteHouseand
urgedapolicyonhimwhichheappearedtodisapprove.Butseveraldayslater,at
thedinnertable,Iwasamazedtohearhimtrotoutmysuggestionashisown.”’
DidHouseinterrupthimandsay,‘That’snotyouridea.That’smine’?Oh,
no. Not House. He was too adroit for that. He didn’t care about credit. He
wantedresults.SoheletWilsoncontinuetofeelthattheideawashis.Housedid
evenmorethanthat.HegaveWilsonpubliccreditfortheseideas.
Let’srememberthateveryonewecomeincontactwithisjustashumanas
WoodrowWilson.Solet’suseColonelHouse’stechnique.
AmanupinthebeautifulCanadianprovinceofNewBrunswickusedthis
techniqueonmeandwonmypatronage.Iwasplanningatthetimetodosome
fishing and canoeing in New Brunswick. So I wrote the tourist bureau for
information.Evidentlymynameandaddresswereputonamailinglist,forIwas
immediately overwhelmed with scores of letters and booklets and printed
testimonialsfromcampsandguides.Iwasbewildered.Ididn’tknowwhichto
choose. Then one camp owner did a clever thing. He sent me the names and
telephonenumbersofseveralNewYorkpeoplewhohadstayedathiscampand
heinvitedmetotelephonethemanddiscoverformyselfwhathehadtooffer.
IfoundtomysurprisethatIknewoneofthemenonhislist.Itelephoned
him,foundoutwhathisexperiencehadbeen,andthenwiredthecampthedate
ofmyarrival.
Theothershadbeentryingtosellmeontheirservice,butoneletmesell
myself.Thatorganisationwon.
Twenty-five centuries ago, Lao-tse,aChinese sage, saidsomethings that
readersofthisbookmightusetoday:
‘Thereasonwhyriversandseasreceivethehomageofahundredmountain
streamsis that they keep below them.Thustheyareableto reign over all the
mountainstreams.Sothesage,wishingtobeabovemen,puttethhimselfbelow
them;wishingtobebeforethem,heputtethhimselfbehindthem.Thus,though
hisplacebeabovemen,theydonotfeelhisweight;thoughhisplacebebefore
them,theydonotcountitaninjury.’
PRINCIPLE7
Lettheotherpersonfeelthattheideaishisorhers.
REMEMBER THAT OTHERpeoplemaybetotallywrong.Buttheydon’tthinkso.
Don’tcondemnthem.Anyfoolcandothat.Trytounderstandthem.Onlywise,
tolerant,exceptionalpeopleeventrytodothat.
Thereisareasonwhytheothermanthinksandactsashedoes.Ferretout
thatreason–andyouhavethekeytohisactions,perhapstohispersonality.
Tryhonestlytoputyourselfinhisplace.
Ifyousaytoyourself,‘HowwouldIfeel,howwouldIreactifIwereinhis
shoes?’youwillsaveyourselftimeandirritation,for‘bybecominginterestedin
the cause, we are less likely to dislike the effect.’ And, in addition, you will
sharplyincreaseyourskillinhumanrelationships.
‘Stopaminute,’saysKennethM.GoodeinhisbookHowtoTurnPeople
IntoGold,‘stopaminutetocontrastyourkeeninterestinyourownaffairswith
yourmildconcernaboutanythingelse.Realisethen,thateverybodyelseinthe
worldfeelsexactlythesameway!Then,alongwithLincolnandRoosevelt,you
will have grasped the only solid foundation for interpersonal relationships;
namely,thatsuccessindealingwithpeopledependsonasympatheticgraspof
theotherperson’sviewpoint.’
SamDouglasofHempstead,NewYork,usedtotellhiswifethatshespent
toomuchtimeworkingontheirlawn,pullingweeds,fertilising,cuttingthegrass
twiceaweekwhenthelawndidn’tlookanybetterthanithadwhentheymoved
intotheirhomefouryearsearlier.Naturally,shewasdistressedbyhisremarks,
andeachtimehemadesuchremarksthebalanceoftheeveningwasruined.
Aftertakingourcourse,Mr.Douglasrealisedhowfoolishhehadbeenall
thoseyears.Itneveroccurredtohimthatsheenjoyeddoingthatworkandshe
mightreallyappreciateacomplimentonherdiligence.
Oneeveningafterdinner,hiswifesaidshewantedtopullsomeweedsand
invitedhimtokeephercompany.Hefirstdeclined,butthenthoughtbetterofit
andwentoutafterherandbegantohelpherpullweeds.Shewasvisiblypleased,
andtogethertheyspentanhourinhardworkandpleasantconversation.
Afterthatheoftenhelpedherwiththegardeningandcomplimentedheron
howfinethelawnlooked,whatafantasticjobshewasdoingwithayardwhere
thesoilwaslikeconcrete.Result:ahappierlifeforbothbecausehehadlearned
tolookatthingsfromherpointofview–evenifthesubjectwasonlyweeds.
In his book Getting Through to People, Dr. Gerald S. Nirenberg
commented:‘Cooperativenessinconversationisachievedwhenyoushowthat
you consider the other person’s ideas and feelings as important as your own.
Startingyourconversationbygivingtheotherpersonthepurposeordirectionof
yourconversation,governingwhatyousaybywhatyouwouldwanttohearif
you were the listener, and accepting his or her viewpoint will encourage the
listenertohaveanopenmindtoyourideas.’
1
Ihavealwaysenjoyedwalkingandridinginaparknearmyhome.Likethe
DruidsofancientGaul,Iallbutworshipanoaktree,soIwasdistressedseason
afterseasontoseetheyoungtreesandshrubskilledoffbyneedlessfires.These
fires weren’t caused by careless smokers. They were almost all caused by
youngsterswhowentouttotheparktogonativeandcookafrankfurteroran
egg under the trees. Sometimes, these fires raged so fiercely that the fire
departmenthadtobecalledouttofighttheconflagration.
Therewasasignontheedgeoftheparksayingthatanyonewhostarteda
firewasliabletofineandimprisonment,butthesignstoodinanunfrequented
partofthepark,andfewoftheculpritseversawit.Amountedpolicemanwas
supposedtolookafterthepark;buthedidn’ttakehisdutiestooseriously,and
thefirescontinuedtospreadseasonafterseason.Ononeoccasion,Irushedupto
a policeman and told him about a fire spreading rapidly through the park and
wantedhimtonotifythefiredepartment,andhenonchalantlyrepliedthatitwas
noneofhisbusinessbecauseitwasn’tinhisprecinct!Iwasdesperate,soafter
thatwhenIwentriding,Iactedasaself-appointedcommitteeofonetoprotect
thepublicdomain.Inthebeginning,IamafraidIdidn’tevenattempttoseethe
otherpeople’spointofview.WhenIsawafireblazingunderthetrees,Iwasso
unhappy about it, so eager to do the right thing, that I did the wrong thing. I
wouldrideuptotheboys,warnthemthattheycouldbejailedforstartingafire,
order with a tone of authority that it be put out; and, if they refused, I would
threaten to have them arrested. I was merely unloading my feelings without
thinkingoftheirpointofview.
The result? They obeyed – obeyed sullenly and with resentment. After I
rode on over the hill, they probablyrebuilt the fire and longed to burn up the
wholepark.
Withthepassingoftheyears,Iacquiredatriflemoreknowledgeofhuman
relations,alittlemoretact,asomewhatgreatertendencytoseethingsfromthe
other person’s standpoint. Then, insteadofgiving orders, I wouldrideup to a
blazingfireandbeginsomethinglikethis:
‘Havingagoodtime,boys?Whatareyougoingtocookforsupper?...I
lovedtobuildfiresmyselfwhenIwasaboy–andIstillloveto.Butyouknow
they are dangerous here in the park. I know you boys don’t mean to do any
harm,butotherboysaren’tsocareful.Theycomealongandseethatyouhave
built a fire; so they build one and don’t put it out when they go home and it
spreadsamongthedryleavesandkillsthetrees.Wewon’thaveanytreeshereat
allifwearen’tmorecareful.Youcouldbeputinjailforbuildingthisfire.ButI
don’twanttobebossyandinterferewithyourpleasure.Iliketoseeyouenjoy
yourselves;butwon’tyoupleaserakealltheleavesawayfromthefirerightnow
–andyou’llbecarefultocoveritwithdirt,alotofdirt,beforeyouleave,won’t
you?Andthenexttimeyouwanttohavesomefun,won’tyoupleasebuildyour
fireoverthehillthereinthesandpit?Itcan’tdoanyharmthere...Thanksso
muchboys.Haveagoodtime.’
What a difference that kind of talk made! It made the boys want to
cooperate. No sullenness, no resentment. They hadn’t been forced to obey
orders.Theyhadsavedtheirfaces.TheyfeltbetterandIfeltbetterbecauseIhad
handledthesituationwithconsiderationfortheirpointofview.
Seeing things through another person’s eyes may ease tensions when
personal problems become overwhelming. Elizabeth Novak of New South
Wales, Australia, wassix weekslate with her car payment. ‘On a Friday,’ she
reported, ‘I received a nasty phone call from the man who was handling my
accountinformingmethatifIdidnotcomeupwith$122byMondaymorningI
could anticipate further action from the company. I had no way of raising the
money over the weekend, so when I received his phone call first thing on
Mondaymorning I expected the worst. Insteadofbecomingupset,I looked at
thesituationfromhispointofview.Iapologisedmostsincerelyforcausinghim
so much inconvenience and remarked that I must be his most troublesome
customerasthiswasnotthefirsttimeIwasbehindinmypayments.Histoneof
voicechangedimmediately,andhereassuredmethatIwasfarfrombeingoneof
hisreallytroublesomecustomers.Hewentontotellmeseveralexamplesofhow
rude his customers sometimes were, how they lied to him and often tried to
avoid talking to him at all. I said nothing. I listened and let him pour out his
troublestome.Then,withoutanysuggestionfromme,hesaiditdidnotmatter
ifIcouldn’tpayallthemoneyimmediately.ItwouldbeallrightifIpaidhim
$20 by the end of the month and made up the balance whenever it was
convenientformetodoso.’
Tomorrow, beforeaskinganyone to put outafire or buy yourproduct or
contributetoyourfavouritecharity,whynotpauseandcloseyoureyesandtryto
think the whole thing through from another person’s point of view.? Ask
yourself:‘Whyshouldheorshewanttodoit?’True,thiswilltaketime,butit
willavoidmakingenemiesandwillgetbetterresults–andwithlessfrictionand
lessshoeleather.
‘Iwouldratherwalkthesidewalkinfrontofaperson’sofficefortwohours
beforeaninterview,’saidDeanDonham of theHarvardbusinessschool,‘than
stepintothatofficewithoutaperfectlyclearideaofwhatIwasgoingtosayand
whatthatperson–frommyknowledgeofhisorherinterestsandmotives–was
likelytoanswer.’
That is so importantthat I amgoing to repeat itin italics forthe sake of
emphasis.
Iwouldratherwalkthesidewalkinfrontofaperson’sofficefortwohours
before an interview than step into that office without a perfectly clear idea of
whatIwasgoingtosayandwhatthatperson–frommyknowledgeofhisorher
interestsandmotives–waslikelytoanswer.
If,asaresultofreadingthisbook, yougetonly onething– anincreased
tendencytothinkalwaysintermsof the other person’s point of view,andsee
thingsfromthatperson’sangle,aswellasyourown–ifyougetonlyonething
from this book, it may easily prove to be one of the stepping-stones of your
career.
PRINCIPLE8
Tryhonestlytoseethingsfromtheotherperson’spointofview.
1.Dr.GeraldS.Nirenberg,GettingThroughtoPeople(EnglewoodCliffs,N.J.Prentice-Hall,1963),p.31.
WOULDN’T YOU LIKE to have a magic phrase that would stop arguments,
eliminate ill feeling, create good will, and make the other person listen
attentively?
Yes?Allright.Hereitis:‘Idon’tblameyouoneiotaforfeelingasyoudo.
IfIwereyouIwouldundoubtedlyfeeljustasyoudo.’
Ananswerlikethatwillsoftenthemostcantankerousoldcussalive.And
you can say that and be 100 percent sincere, because if you were the other
personyou,ofcourse,wouldfeeljustashedoes.TakeAlCapone,forexample.
Suppose you had inherited the same body and temperament and mind that Al
Caponehad.Supposeyouhadhisenvironmentandexperiences.Youwouldthen
bepreciselywhathewas–andwherehewas.Foritisthosethings–andonly
thosethings– thatmadehimwhathe was.Theonlyreason,for example,that
youarenotarattlesnakeisthatyourmotherandfatherweren’trattlesnakes.
Youdeserveverylittlecreditforbeingwhatyouare–andremember,the
people who come to you irritated, bigoted, unreasoning, deserve very little
discredit for being what they are. Feel sorry for the poor devils. Pity them.
Sympathisewiththem.Saytoyourself:‘There,butforthegraceofGod,goI.’
Three-fourthsofthepeopleyouwillevermeetarehungeringandthirsting
forsympathy.Giveittothem,andtheywillloveyou.
I once gave a broadcast about the author of Little Women, Louisa May
Alcott. Naturally, I knew she had lived and written her immortal books in
Concord, Massachusetts. But, without thinking what I was saying, I spoke of
visitingheroldhomeinConcord,NewHampshire.IfIhadsaidNewHampshire
onlyonce,itmighthavebeenforgiven.But,alasandalack!Isaidittwice.Iwas
deluged with letters and telegrams, stinging messages that swirled around my
defencelessheadlikeaswarmofhornets.Manywereindignant.Afewinsulting.
OneColonialDame,whohadbeenrearedinConcord,Massachusetts,andwho
was then living in Philadelphia, vented her scorching wrath upon me. She
couldn’t have been much more bitter if I had accused Miss Alcott of being a
cannibalfromNewGuinea.AsIreadtheletter,Isaidtomyself,‘ThankGod,I
amnotmarriedtothatwoman.’IfeltlikewritingandtellingherthatalthoughI
hadmadeamistakeingeography,shehadmadeafargreatermistakeincommon
courtesy.Thatwastobejustmyopeningsentence.ThenIwasgoingtorollup
mysleevesandtellherwhatIreallythought.ButIdidn’t.Icontrolledmyself.I
realisedthatanyhotheadedfoolcoulddo that – and that most fools would do
justthat.
I wanted to be above fools. So I resolved to try to turn her hostility into
friendliness. It would be a challenge, a sort of game I could play. I said to
myself,‘Afterall,if I were she, I wouldprobablyfeeljustasshedoes.’ So, I
determined to sympathise with her viewpoint. The next time I was in
Philadelphia, I called her on the telephone. The conversation went something
likethis:
So,becauseIhadapologisedandsympathisedwithherpointofview,shebegan
apologising and sympathising with my point of view. I had the satisfaction of
controllingmytemper,thesatisfactionofreturningkindnessforaninsult.Igot
infinitelymorefunoutofmakingherlikemethanIcouldeverhavegottenout
oftellinghertogoandtakeajumpintheShuylkillRiver.
EverymanwhooccupiestheWhiteHouseisfacedalmostdailywiththorny
problems in human relations. President Taft was no exception, and he learned
from experience the enormous chemical value of sympathy in neutralising the
acidofhardfeelings.InhisbookEthicsinService,Taftgivesratheranamusing
illustrationofhowhesoftenedtheireofadisappointedandambitiousmother.
‘A lady in Washington,’ wrote Taft, ‘whose husband had some political
influence,cameandlabouredwithmeforsixweeksormoretoappointherson
to a position. Shesecured the aid ofSenators and Congressmen informidable
numberandcamewiththemtoseethattheyspokewithemphasis.Theplacewas
onerequiringtechnicalqualification,andfollowingtherecommendationofthe
headoftheBureau,Iappointedsomebodyelse.Ithenreceivedaletterfromthe
mother,sayingthatIwasmostungrateful,sinceIdeclinedtomakeherahappy
womanasIcouldhavedonebyaturnofmyhand.Shecomplainedfurtherthat
she had laboured with her state delegation and got all the votes for an
administrationbillinwhichI was especially interested andthiswasthewayI
hadrewardedher.
‘Whenyougetaletterlikethat,thefirstthingyoudoistothinkhowyou
canbeseverewithapersonwhohascommittedanimpropriety,orevenbeena
littleimpertinent.Thenyoumaycomposeananswer.Thenifyouarewise,you
willputtheletterinadrawerandlockthedrawer.Takeitoutinthecourseof
twodays–suchcommunicationswillalwaysbeartwodays’delayinanswering
–andwhenyoutakeitoutafterthatinterval,youwillnotsendit.Thatisjustthe
course I took. After that, I sat down and wrote her just as polite a letter as I
could,tellingherIrealisedamother’sdisappointmentundersuchcircumstances,
butthatreallytheappointmentwasnotlefttomymerepersonalpreference,that
Ihadtoselectamanwithtechnicalqualifications,andhad,therefore,tofollow
the recommendations of the headofthe Bureau. I expressedthehope that her
son would go on to accomplish what she had hoped for him in the position
whichhethenhad.Thatmollifiedherandshewrotemeanotesayingshewas
sorryshehadwrittenasshehad.
‘But the appointment I sent in was not confirmed at once, and after an
intervalIreceivedaletterwhichpurportedtocomefromherhusband,thoughit
wasinthesamehandwritingasalltheothers.Iwasthereinadvisedthat,dueto
the nervous prostration that had followed her disappointment in this case, she
hadtotaketoher bedandhad developedamost seriouscaseofcancerofthe
stomach. Would I not restore her to health by withdrawing the first name and
replacingitbyherson’s?Ihadtowriteanotherletter,thisonetothehusband,to
saythatIhopedthediagnosiswouldprovetobeinaccurate,thatIsympathised
withhiminthesorrowhemusthaveintheseriousillnessofhiswife,butthatit
wasimpossibletowithdrawthenamesentin.ThemanwhomIappointedwas
confirmed,andwithintwodaysafterIreceivedthatletter,wegaveamusicaleat
the White House. The first two people to greet Mrs. Taft and me were this
husbandandwife,thoughthewifehadsorecentlybeeninarticulomortis.’
Jay Mangum represented an elevator-escalator maintenance company in
Tulsa,Oklahoma,whichhadthemaintenancecontractfortheescalatorsinone
of Tulsa’s leading hotels. The hotel manager did not want to shut down the
escalator for more than two hours at a time because he did not want to
inconveniencethehotel’sguests.Therepairthathadtobemadewouldtakeat
least eight hours, and his company did not always have a specially qualified
mechanicavailableattheconvenienceofthehotel.
WhenMr.Mangumwasabletoscheduleatop-flightmechanicforthisjob,
hetelephonedthehotelmanagerandinsteadofarguingwithhimtogivehimthe
necessarytimehesaid:
‘Rick, I know your hotel is quite busy and you would like to keep the
escalator shutdown time to a minimum. I understand your concern about this,
and we want to do everything possible to accommodate you. However, our
diagnosisofthesituationshowsthatifwedonotdoacompletejobnow,your
escalatormaysuffermoreseriousdamageandthatwouldcauseamuchlonger
shutdown.Iknowyouwouldnotwanttoinconvenienceyourguestsforseveral
days.’
Themanagerhadtoagreethataneight-hourshutdownwasmoredesirable
than several days’. By sympathising with the manager’s desire to keep his
patrons happy, Mr. Mangum was able to win the hotel manager to his way of
thinkingeasilyandwithoutrancour.
JoyceNorris,a piano teacher in St. Louis, Missouri, told ofhowshehad
handled a problem piano teachers often have with teenage girls. Babette had
exceptionallylongfingernails.
Thisisaserious handicaptoanyonewhowantsto developproperpiano-
playinghabits.
MrsNorrisreported:‘Iknewherlongfingernailswouldbeabarrierforher
inherdesiretoplaywell.Duringourdiscussionpriortoherstartingherlessons
with me, I did not mention anything to her about her nails. I didn’t want to
discourageherfromtakinglessons,andIalsoknewshewouldnotwanttolose
thatwhichshetooksomuchprideinandsuchgreatcaretomakeattractive.
‘Afterherfirstlesson,whenIfeltthetimewasright,Isaid:“Babette,you
haveattractivehandsandbeautifulfingernails.Ifyouwanttoplaythepianoas
well as you are capable of and as well as you would like to, you would be
surprisedhowmuchquickerandeasieritwouldbeforyou,ifyouwouldtrim
your nails shorter. Just think about it, okay?” She made a face which was
definitely negative. I also talked to her mother about this situation, again
mentioninghowlovelyhernailswere.Anothernegativereaction.Itwasobvious
thatBabette’sbeautifullymanicurednailswereimportanttoher.
‘ThefollowingweekBabettereturnedforhersecondlesson.Muchtomy
surprise,thefingernailshadbeentrimmed.Icomplimentedherandpraisedher
formakingsuchasacrifice.IalsothankedhermotherforinfluencingBabetteto
cuthernails.Herreplywas“Oh,Ihadnothingtodowithit.Babettedecidedto
do it on her own, and this is thefirst time she has ever trimmed hernails for
anyone.”’
DidMrsNorristhreatenBabette?Didshesayshewouldrefusetoteacha
student with long fingernails? No, she did not. She let Babette know that her
fingernailswereathingofbeautyanditwouldbeasacrificetocutthem.She
implied,‘Isympathisewithyou–Iknowitwon’tbeeasy,butitwillpayoffin
yourbettermusicaldevelopment.’
SolHurokwasprobablyAmerica’snumberoneimpresario.Foralmosthalf
a century he handled artists – such world-famous artists as Chaliapin, Isadora
Duncan, and Pavlova. Mr. Hurok told me that one of the first lessons he had
learnedindealingwithhistemperamentalstarswasthenecessityforsympathy,
sympathyandmoresympathywiththeiridiosyncrasies.
For three years, he was impresario for Feodor Chaliapin – one of the
greatest bassos who ever thrilled the ritzy boxholders at the Metropolitan. Yet
Chaliapinwasaconstantproblem.Hecarriedonlikeaspoiledchild.Toputitin
Mr.Hurok’sowninimitablephrase:‘Hewasahellofafellowineveryway.’
Forexample,ChaliapinwouldcallupMr.Hurokaboutnoonofthedayhe
wasgoingtosingandsay,‘Sol,Ifeelterrible.Mythroatislikerawhamburger.
Itisimpossibleformetosingtonight.’DidMr.Hurokarguewithhim?Oh,no.
Heknewthatanentrepreneurcouldn’thandleartiststhatway.Sohewouldrush
over to Chaliapin’s hotel, dripping with sympathy. ‘What a pity,’ he would
mourn.‘Whatapity!Mypoorfellow.Ofcourse,youcannotsing.Iwillcancel
theengagementatonce.Itwillonlycostyouacoupleofthousanddollars,but
thatisnothingincomparisontoyourreputation.’
ThenChaliapinwouldsighandsay,‘Perhapsyouhadbettercomeoverlater
intheday.ComeatfiveandseehowIfeelthen.’
At five o’clock, Mr. Hurok would again rush to his hotel, dripping with
sympathy. Again he would insist on cancelling the engagement and again
Chaliapinwouldsighandsay,‘Well,maybeyouhadbettercometoseemelater.
Imaybebetterthen.’
At seven-thirty the great basso would consent to sing, only with the
understandingthatMr.HurokwouldwalkoutonthestageoftheMetropolitan
andannouncethatChaliapinhadaverybadcoldandwasnotingoodvoice.Mr.
Hurokwouldlieandsayhewoulddoit,forheknewthatwastheonlywayto
getthebassooutonthestage.
Dr. Arthur I. Gates said in his splendid book Educational Psychology:
‘Sympathythehumanspeciesuniversallycraves.Thechildeagerlydisplayshis
injury;oreveninflictsacutorbruiseinordertoreapabundantsympathy.For
the same purpose adults . . . show their bruises, relate their accidents, illness,
especially details of surgical operations. “Self-pity” for misfortunes real or
imaginaryis,insomemeasure,practicallyauniversalpractice.’
So,ifyouwanttowinpeopletoyourwayofthinking,putinpractice...
PRINCIPLE9
Besympatheticwiththeotherperson’sideasanddesires.
I WAS REARED on the edge of the Jesse James country out in Missouri, and I
visitedtheJamesfarmatKearney,Missouri,wherethesonofJesseJameswas
thenliving.
HiswifetoldmestoriesofhowJesserobbedtrainsandheldupbanksand
thengavemoneytotheneighbouringfarmerstopayofftheirmortgages.
JesseJamesprobablyregardedhimselfasanidealistatheart,justasDutch
Schultz, ‘Two Gun’ Crowley, Al Capone and many other organised crime
‘godfathers’ did generations later. The fact is that all people you meet have a
high regard for themselves and like to be fine and unselfish in their own
estimation.
J. Pierpont Morgan observed, in one of his analytical interludes, that a
personusuallyhastworeasonsfordoingathing:onethatsoundsgoodandareal
one.
The person himself will think of the real reason. You don’t need to
emphasisethat.Butallofus,beingidealistsatheart,liketothinkofmotivesthat
soundgood.So,inordertochangepeople,appealtothenoblermotives.
Isthattooidealisticto workinbusiness? Let’ssee.Let’stakethecaseof
HamiltonJ.FarrelloftheFarrell-MitchellCompanyofGlenolden,Pennsylvania.
Mr.Farrellhadadisgruntledtenantwhothreatenedtomove.Thetenant’slease
stillhadfourmonthstorun;nevertheless,heservednoticethathewasvacating
immediately,regardlessoflease.
‘Thesepeoplehadlivedinmyhouseallwinter–themostexpensivepartof
theyear,’Mr.Farrellsaidashetoldthestorytotheclass,‘andIknewitwould
be difficult to rent the apartment again before fall. I could see all that rent
incomegoingoverthehillandbelieveme,Isawred.
‘Now,ordinarily,Iwouldhavewadedintothattenantandadvisedhimto
readhisleaseagain.Iwouldhavepointedoutthatifhemoved,thefullbalance
ofhisrentwouldfalldueatonce–andthatIcould,andwouldmovetocollect.
‘However,insteadofflyingoffthehandleandmakingascene,Idecidedto
tryothertactics.SoIstartedlikethis:“Mr.Doe,”Isaid,“Ihavelistenedtoyour
story,andIstilldon’tbelieveyouintendtomove.Yearsintherentingbusiness
havetaughtmesomethingabouthumannature,and I sized you up in the first
placeasbeingamanofyourword.Infact,I’msosureofitthatI’mwillingto
takeagamble.
‘“Now,here’smyproposition.Layyourdecisiononthetableforafewdays
and think it over. If you come back to me between now and the first of the
month,whenyourrentisdue,andtellmeyoustillintendtomove,Igiveyoumy
wordIwillacceptyourdecisionasfinal.Iwillprivilegeyoutomoveandadmit
tomyselfI’vebeenwronginmyjudgement.ButIstillbelieveyou’reamanof
yourwordandwillliveuptoyourcontract.Forafterall,weareeithermenor
monkeys–andthechoiceusuallylieswithourselves!’
‘Well,whenthe newmonthcamearound,this gentlemancametoseeme
and paid his rent in person. Heand hiswife had talked it over, he said – and
decidedtostay.Theyhadconcludedthattheonlyhonourablethingtodowasto
liveuptotheirlease.’
WhenthelateLordNorthcliffefoundanewspaperusingapictureofhim
which he didn’t want published, he wrote the editor a letter. But did he say,
‘Please do not publish that picture of me any more; I don’t like it’? No, he
appealedtoanoblermotive.Heappealedtotherespectandlovethatallofus
haveformotherhood. He wrote, ‘Please do not publish thatpictureofmeany
more.Mymotherdoesn’tlikeit.’
When John D. Rockefeller, Jr., wished to stop newspaper photographers
fromsnappingpicturesofhischildren,hetooappealedtothenoblermotives.He
didn’tsay:‘Idon’twanttheirpicturespublished.’No,heappealedtothedesire,
deepinallofus,torefrainfromharmingchildren.Hesaid:‘Youknowhowitis,
boys.You’vegotchildrenyourselves,someofyou.Andyouknowit’snotgood
foryoungsterstogettoomuchpublicity.’
When Cyrus H.K. Curtis, the poor boy from Maine, was starting on his
meteoric career, which was destined to make him millions as owner of The
SaturdayEveningPostandtheLadies’HomeJournal,hecouldn’taffordtopay
hiscontributorsthepricesthatothermagazinespaid.Hecouldn’taffordtohire
first-class authors to write for money alone. So he appealed to their nobler
motives. For example, he persuaded even Louisa May Alcott, the immortal
authorofLittleWomen,towriteforhimwhenshewasatthefloodtideofher
fame;andhediditbyofferingtosendachequeforahundreddollars,nottoher,
buttoherfavouritecharity.
Rightherethescepticmaysay:‘Oh,thatstuffisallrightforNorthcliffeand
Rockefellerorasentimentalnovelist.But,I’dliketoseeyoumakeitworkwith
thetoughbabiesIhavetocollectbillsfrom!’
Youmayberight.Nothingwillworkinallcases–andnothingwillwork
with all people.If you are satisfied withthe results you are nowgetting, why
change?Ifyouarenotsatisfied,whynotexperiment?
Atanyrate,IthinkyouwillenjoyreadingthistruestorytoldbyJamesL.
Thomas,aformerstudentofmine:
Sixcustomersofacertainautomobilecompanyrefusedtopaytheirbillsfor
servicing.Noneofthecustomersprotestedtheentirebill,buteachclaimedthat
someonechargewaswrong.Ineachcase,thecustomerhadsignedforthework
done,sothecompanyknewitwasright–andsaidso.Thatwasthefirstmistake.
Here are the steps the men in the credit department took to collect these
overduebills.Doyousupposetheysucceeded?
1Theycalledoneachcustomerandtoldhimbluntlythattheyhadcometo
collectabillthatwaslongpastdue.
2 They made it very plain that the company was absolutely and
unconditionally right; therefore he, the customer, was absolutely and
unconditionallywrong.
3Theyintimatedthatthey,thecompany,knewmoreaboutautomobilesthan
hecouldeverhopetoknow.Sowhatwastheargumentabout?
4Result:Theyargued.
Didanyofthesemethodsreconcilethecustomerandsettletheaccount?Youcan
answerthatoneyourself.
At this stage of affairs the credit manager was about to open fire with a
batteryoflegaltalent,whenfortunatelythemattercametotheattentionofthe
general manager. The manager investigated these defaulting clients and
discovered that they all had the reputation of paying their bills promptly.
Somethingwasdrasticallywrongaboutthemethodofcollection.Sohecalledin
JamesL.Thomasandtoldhimtocollectthese‘uncollectible’accounts.
Here,inhisownwords,arethestepsMr.Thomastook:
1Myvisittoeachcustomerwaslikewisetocollectabilllongpastdue–a
billthatweknewwasabsolutelyright.ButIdidn’tsayawordaboutthat.I
explained I had called to find out whatit was the company haddone, or
failedtodo.
2 I made it clear that, until I had heard the customer’s story, I had no
opiniontooffer.Itoldhimthecompanymadenoclaimstobeinginfallible.
3ItoldhimIwasinterestedonlyinhiscar,andthatheknewmoreabout
his car than anyone else in the world; that he was the authority on the
subject.
4Ilethimtalk,andIlistenedtohimwithalltheinterestandsympathythat
hewanted–andhadexpected.
5 Finally, when the customer was in a reasonable mood, I put the whole
thinguptohissenseoffairplay.Iappealedtothenoblermotives.‘First,’I
said, ‘I want you to know I also feel that this matter has been badly
mishandled.You’vebeeninconveniencedandannoyedandirritatedbyone
ofourrepresentatives.Thatshouldneverhavehappened.I’msorryand,as
arepresentativeofthecompany,Iapologise.AsIsathereandlistenedto
yoursideofthestory,Icouldnothelpbeingimpressedbyyourfairnessand
patience.Andnow,becauseyouarefair-mindedandpatient,Iamgoingto
askyoutodosomethingforme.It’ssomethingthatyoucandobetterthan
anyone else, something you know more about than anyone else. Here is
yourbill;Iknowitissafeformetoaskyoutoadjustit,justasyouwould
doifyouwerethepresidentofmycompany.Iamgoingtoleaveitallupto
you.Whateveryousaygoes.’
Didheadjustthebill?Hecertainlydid,andgotquiteakickout
ofit.Thebillsrangedfrom$150to$400–butdidthecustomergive
himselfthebestofit?Yes,oneofthemdid!Oneofthemrefusedtopay
apennyofthedisputedcharge;buttheotherfiveallgavethecompany
the best of it! Andhere’s the cream ofthewhole thing: we delivered
newcarstoallsixofthesecustomerswithinthenexttwoyears!
‘Experiencehastaughtme,’saysMr.Thomas,‘Thatwhennoinformationcanbe
secured about the customer, the only sound basis on which to proceed is to
assumethatheorsheissincere,honest,truthfulandwillingandanxioustopay
thecharges,once convincedtheyarecorrect.To put it differently and perhaps
more clearly, people are honest and want to discharge their obligations. The
exceptions to that rule are comparatively few, and I am convinced that the
individualswhoareinclinedtochiselwillinmostcasesreactfavourablyifyou
makethemfeelthatyouconsiderthemhonest,uprightandfair.’
PRINCIPLE10
Appealtothenoblermotives.
MANY YEARS AGO, the Philadelphia EveningBulletin was being maligned by a
dangerous whispering campaign. A malicious rumour was being circulated.
Advertisers were being told that the newspaper was no longer attractive to
readersbecause it carried toomuchadvertisingand too little news. Immediate
actionwasnecessary.Thegossiphadtobesquelched.
Buthow?
Thisisthewayitwasdone.
TheBulletinclippedfromitsregulareditionallreadingmatterofallkinds
ononeaverageday,classifiedit,andpublisheditasabook.Thebookwascalled
One Day. It contained 307 pages – as many as a hard-covered book; yet the
Bulletinhadprintedallthisnewsandfeaturematerialononedayandsoldit,not
forseveraldollars,butforafewcents.
The printing of that book dramatised the fact that the Bulletin carried an
enormous amount of interesting reading matter. It conveyed the facts more
vividly, more interestingly, more impressively, than pages of figures and mere
talkcouldhavedone.
This is the dayof dramatisation. Merely statingatruth isn’tenough. The
truthhastobemadevivid,interesting,dramatic.Youhavetouseshowmanship.
The movies do it. Television does it. And you will have to do it if you want
attention.
Expertsinwindowdisplayknowthepowerofdramatisation.Forexample
the manufacturers of a new rat poison gave dealers a window display that
includedtwoliverats.Theweektheratswereshown,saleszoomedtofivetimes
theirnormalrate.
Television commercials abound with examples of the use of dramatic
techniquesinsellingproducts.Sitdownoneeveninginfrontofyourtelevision
setandanalysewhattheadvertisersdoineachoftheirpresentations.Youwill
notehowanantacidmedicinechangesthecolouroftheacidinatesttubewhile
its competitor doesn’t,how one brand of soap or detergent gets a greasy shirt
cleanwhentheotherbrandleavesitgrey.You’llseeacarmanoeuvrearounda
seriesofturnsandcurves–farbetterthanjustbeingtoldaboutit.Happyfaces
willshowcontentmentwithavarietyofproducts.Allofthesedramatiseforthe
viewer the advantages offered by whatever is being sold – and they do get
peopletobuythem.
Youcandramatiseyourideasinbusinessorinanyotheraspectofyourlife.
It’s easy. Jim Yeamans, who sells for the NCR company (National Cash
Register) in Richmond, Virginia, told how he made a sale by dramatic
demonstration.
‘Last week I called on a neighbourhood grocer and saw that the cash
registers he was using at his checkout counters were very old-fashioned. I
approached the owner and told him: “You are literallythrowing awaypennies
everytimea customergoesthroughyourline.” WiththatI threw ahandfulof
penniesonthefloor.Hequicklybecamemoreattentive.Themerewordsshould
have been of interest to him, but the sound of pennies hitting the floor really
stopped him. I was able to get an order from him to replace all of his old
machines.’
It works in home life as well. When the old-time lover proposed to his
sweetheart,didhejustusewordsoflove?No!Hewentdownonhisknees.That
reallyshowedhemeantwhathesaid.Wedon’tproposeonourkneesanymore,
butmanysuitorsstillsetuparomanticatmospherebeforetheypopthequestion.
Dramatisingwhatyouwantworkswithchildrenaswell.JoeB.Fant,Jr.,of
Birmingham,Alabama,washavingdifficultygettinghisfive-year-oldboyand
three-year-olddaughtertopickuptheirtoys,soheinventeda‘train.’Joeywas
theengineer(CaptainCaseyJones)onhistricycle.Janet’swagonwasattached,
andintheeveningsheloadedallthe‘coal’onthecaboose(herwagon)andthen
jumpedin while her brother droveheraround the room. In thiswaytheroom
wascleanedup–withoutlectures,argumentsorthreats.
MaryCatherineWolfofMishawaka,Indiana,washavingsomeproblemsat
work and decided that she had to discuss them with the boss. On Monday
morningsherequestedanappointmentwithhimbutwastoldhewasverybusy
andsheshouldarrangewithhissecretaryforanappointmentlaterintheweek.
Thesecretaryindicatedthathisschedulewasverytight,butshewouldtrytofit
herin.
Ms.Wolfdescribedwhathappened:
‘Ididnotgetareplyfromherallweeklong.WheneverIquestionedher,
she would give me a reason why the boss could not see me. Friday morning
cameandIhadheardnothingdefinite.Ireallywantedtoseehimanddiscussmy
problemsbeforetheweekend,soIaskedmyselfhowIcouldgethimtoseeme.
‘WhatIfinallydidwasthis.Iwrotehimaformalletter.Iindicatedinthe
letter that I fully understood how extremely busy he was all week, but it was
important that I speak with him. I enclosed a form letter and a self-addressed
envelope and asked him to please fill it out or ask his secretary to do it and
returnittome.Theformletterreadasfollows:
Ms.Wolf–Iwillbeabletoseeyouon–at–A.M./P.M.Iwillgive
you–minutesofmytime.
‘I put this letter inhisin-basket at 11 A.M. At2 P.M.I checked my mailbox.
Therewasmyself-addressedenvelope.Hehadansweredmyformletterhimself
andindicatedhecouldseemethatafternoonandcouldgivemetenminutesof
his time. I met with him, and we talked for over an hour and resolved my
problems.
‘IfIhadnotdramatisedtohimthefactthatIreallywanted to see him, I
wouldprobablybestillwaitingforanappointment.’
JamesB.Boyntonhadtopresentalengthymarketreport.Hisfirmhadjust
finished an exhaustive study for a leading brand of cold cream. Data were
needed immediately about the competition in this market; the prospective
customerwasoneofthebiggest–andmostformidable–menintheadvertising
business.
Andhisfirstapproachfailedalmostbeforehebegan.
‘The first time I went in,’ Mr. Boynton explains, ‘I found myself
sidetrackedintoafutilediscussionofthemethodsusedintheinvestigation.He
argued and Iargued.He told me I was wrong, and I triedto prove thatI was
right.
‘Ifinallywonmypoint,tomyownsatisfaction–butmytimewasup,the
interviewwasover,andIstillhadn’tproducedresults.
‘The second time, I didn’t bother with tabulations of figures and data. I
wenttoseethisman,Idramatisedmyfacts.
‘AsIenteredhisoffice,hewas busyonthephone.Whilehefinishedhis
conversation,Iopenedasuitcaseanddumpedthirty-twojarsofcoldcreamon
topofhisdesk–allproductsheknew–allcompetitorsofhiscream.
‘Oneachjar,Ihadatagitemisingtheresultsofthetradeinvestigation.And
eachtagtolditsstorybriefly,dramatically.
‘Whathappened?
‘There was no longer an argument. Here was something new, something
different.Hepickedupfirstonethenanotherofthejarsofcoldcreamandread
the information on the tag. A friendly conversation developed. He asked
additional questions. He was intensely interested. He had originally given me
only ten minutesto present my facts, butten minutes passed, twenty minutes,
fortyminutes,andattheendofanhourwewerestilltalking.
‘IwaspresentingthesamefactsthistimethatIhadpresentedpreviously.
ButthistimeIwasusingdramatisation,showmanship–andwhatadifferenceit
made.’
PRINCIPLE11
Dramatiseyourideas.
CHARLES SCHWAB HAD a mill manager whose people weren’t producing their
quotaofwork.
‘How is it,’ Schwab asked him, ‘that a manager as capable as you can’t
makethismillturnoutwhatitshould?’
‘I don’t know,’ the manager replied. ‘I’ve coaxed the men, I’ve pushed
them, I’ve sworn and cussed, I’ve threatened them with damnation and being
fired.Butnothingworks.Theyjustwon’tproduce.’
Thisconversationtookplaceattheendoftheday,justbeforethenightshift
came on. Schwab askedthe manager fora piece of chalk,then, turning to the
nearestman,asked:
‘Howmanyheatsdidyourshiftmaketoday?’
‘Six.’
Without another word, Schwab chalked a big figure ‘6’ on the floor, and
walkedaway.
Whenthenightshiftcamein,theysawthe‘6’andaskedwhatitmeant.
‘The big boss was inhere today,’ the day people said.‘He asked us how
manyheatswemade,andwetoldhimsix.Hechalkeditonthefloor.’
ThenextmorningSchwabwalkedthroughthemillagain.Thenightshift
hadrubbedout‘6’andreplaceditwithabig‘7.’
Whenthedayshiftreportedforworkthenextmorning,theysawabig‘7’
chalked on the floor. So the night shift thought they were better than the day
shift,didthey?Well,theywouldshowthenightshiftathingortwo.Thecrew
pitchedinwithenthusiasm,andwhentheyquitthatnight,theyleftbehindthem
anenormous,swaggering‘10.’Thingsweresteppingup.
Shortly this mill, which had been lagging way behindin production,was
turningoutmoreworkthananyothermillintheplant.
Theprinciple?
LetCharlesSchwabsayitinhisownwords:‘Thewaytogetthingsdone,’
says Schwab, ‘is to stimulate competition. I do not mean in a sordid money-
gettingway,butinthedesiretoexcel.’
The desire to excel! The challenge! Throwing down the gauntlet! An
infalliblewayofappealingtopeopleofspirit.
Withoutachallenge,TheodoreRooseveltwouldneverhavebeenPresident
of the United States. The Rough Rider, just back from Cuba, was picked for
governorofNewYorkState.Theoppositiondiscoveredhewasnolongeralegal
resident of the state, and Roosevelt, frightened, wished to withdraw. Then
Thomas Collier Platt, then U.S. Senator from New York, threw down the
challenge.TurningsuddenlyonTheodoreRoosevelt,hecriedinaringingvoice:
‘IstheheroofSanJuanHillacoward?’
Rooseveltstayedinthefight–andtherestishistory.Achallengenotonly
changedhislife;ithadarealeffectuponthefutureofhisnation.
‘All men have fears, but the brave put down their fears and go forward,
sometimestodeath,butalwaystovictory’wasthemottooftheKing’sGuardin
ancient Greece. What greater challenge can be offeredthan the opportunity to
overcomethosefears?
WhenAlSmithwasthegovernorofNewYork,hewasupagainstit.Sing
Sing, at the time the most notorious penitentiary west of Devil’s Island, was
without a warden. Scandals had been sweeping through the prison walls,
scandalsanduglyrumours.Smithneededastrong mantorule SingSing– an
ironman.Butwho?HesentforLewisE.LawesofNewHampton.
‘Howaboutgoing up totakecharge ofSingSing?’hesaid joviallywhen
Lawesstoodbeforehim.‘Theyneedamanuptherewithexperience.’
Lawes was flabbergasted. He knew the dangers of Sing Sing. It was a
political appointment, subject to the vagaries of political whims. Wardens had
comeandgone–onelastedonlythreeweeks.Hehadacareertoconsider.Wasit
worththerisk?
ThenSmith,who saw his hesitation, leaned backinhischairand smiled.
‘Youngfellow,’hesaid,‘Idon’tblameyouforbeingscared.It’satoughspot.
It’lltakeabigpersontogoupthereandstay.’
Sohewent.Andhestayed.Hestayed,tobecomethemostfamouswarden
of his time. His book 20,000 Years in Sing Sing sold into the hundred of
thousandsofcopies.Hisbroadcastsontheairandhisstoriesofprisonlifehave
inspired dozens of movies. His ‘humanising’ of criminals wrought miracles in
thewayofprisonreform.
‘I have never found,’ said Harvey S. Firestone, founder of the great
FirestoneTyreandRubberCompany,‘thatpayandpayalonewouldeitherbring
togetherorholdgoodpeople.Ithinkitwasthegameitself.’
Frederic Herzberg, one of the great behavioural scientists, concurred. He
studiedindepththeworkattitudesofthousandsofpeoplerangingfromfactory
workers to senior executives. What do you think he found to be the most
motivatingfactor–theonefacetofthejobsthatwasmoststimulating?Money?
Good working conditions? Fringe benefits? No – not any of those. The one
majorfactorthatmotivatedpeoplewastheworkitself.Iftheworkwasexciting
andinteresting,theworkerlookedforwardtodoingitandwasmotivatedtodoa
goodjob.
Thatiswhateverysuccessfulpersonloves:thegame.Thechanceforself-
expression.Thechancetoprovehisorherworth,toexcel,towin.Thatiswhat
makesfoot-races,andhog-calling,andpie-eatingcontests.Thedesiretoexcel.
Thedesireforafeelingofimportance.
PRINCIPLE12
Throwdownachallenge.
INANUTSHELL
WINPEOPLETOYOURWAYOFTHINKING
PRINCIPLE1
Theonlywaytogetthebestofanargumentistoavoidit.
PRINCIPLE2
Showrespectfortheotherperson’sopinions.Neversay,‘You’rewrong.’
PRINCIPLE3
Ifyouarewrong,admititquicklyandemphatically.
PRINCIPLE4
Begininafriendlyway.
PRINCIPLE5
Gettheotherpersonsaying‘yes,yes’immediately.
PRINCIPLE6
Lettheotherpersondoagreatdealofthetalking.
PRINCIPLE7
Lettheotherpersonfeelthattheideaishisorhers.
PRINCIPLE8
Tryhonestlytoseethingsfromtheotherperson’spointofview.
PRINCIPLE9
Besympatheticwiththeotherperson’sideasanddesires.
PRINCIPLE10
Appealtothenoblermotives.
PRINCIPLE11
Dramatiseyourideas.
PRINCIPLE12
Throwdownachallenge.
A FRIEND OF mine was a guest at the White House for a weekend during the
administrationofCalvinCoolidge.DriftingintothePresident’sprivateoffice,he
heardCoolidgesaytooneofhissecretaries,‘That’saveryprettydressyouare
wearingthismorning,andyouareaveryattractiveyoungwoman.’
That was probablythe most effusive praise Silent Calhad ever bestowed
uponasecretaryinhislife.Itwassounusual,sounexpected,thatthesecretary
blushedinconfusion.ThenCoolidgesaid,‘Now,don’tgetstuckup.Ijustsaid
that to make you feel good. From now on, I wish you would be a little more
carefulwithyourpunctuation.’
Hismethodwasprobablyabitobvious,butthepsychologywassuperb.It
isalwayseasiertolistentounpleasantthingsafterwehaveheardsomepraiseof
ourgoodpoints.
A barber lathers a man before he shaves him; and that is precisely what
McKinley did back in 1896, when he was running for President. One of the
prominent Republicans of that day had written acampaign speech that he felt
was just a trifle better than Cicero and Patrick Henry and Daniel Webster all
rolled into one. With great glee, this chap read his immortal speech aloud to
McKinley. The speech had its fine points, but it just wouldn’t do. McKinley
didn’t want to hurt the man’s feelings. He must not kill the man’s splendid
enthusiasm,andyethehadtosay‘no.’Notehowadroitlyhedidit.
‘Myfriend,thatisasplendidspeech,amagnificentspeech,’McKinleysaid.
‘Noonecouldhavepreparedabetterone.Therearemanyoccasionsonwhichit
wouldbepreciselytherightthingtosay,butisitquitesuitabletothisparticular
occasion? Sound and sober as it is from your standpoint, I must consider its
effectfromthe party’sstandpoint.Nowgohome and writeaspeechalong the
linesIindicate,andsendmeacopyofit.’
Hedidjustthat.McKinleyblue-penciledandhelpedhimrewritehissecond
speech,andhebecameoneoftheeffectivespeakersofthecampaign.
Here is the second most famous letter that Abraham Lincoln ever wrote.
(HismostfamousonewaswrittentoMrs.Bixby,expressinghissorrowforthe
deathofthefivesonsshehadlostinbattle.)Lincolnprobablydashedthisletter
off in five minutes; yet it sold at public auction in 1926 for twelve thousand
dollars, and that, by the way, was more money than Lincoln was able to save
during half a century of hard work. The letter was written to General Joseph
Hooker on April 26, 1863, during the darkest period of the Civil War. For
eighteenmonths,Lincoln’sgeneralshadbeenleadingtheUnionArmyfromone
tragicdefeattoanother. Nothingbut futile,stupid human butchery. The nation
wasappalled.Thousandsof soldiershaddesertedfromthe army,andeventhe
RepublicanmembersoftheSenatehadrevoltedandwantedtoforceLincolnout
oftheWhiteHouse.‘Wearenowonthebrinkofdestruction,’Lincolnsaid.‘It
appears to me that even the Almighty is against us. I can hardly see a ray of
hope.’ Such was the periodofblacksorrow and chaos outofwhichthis letter
came.
IamprintingtheletterherebecauseitshowshowLincolntriedtochange
anobstreperousgeneralwhentheveryfateofthenationcouldhavedepended
uponthegeneral’saction.
This is perhaps the sharpest letter Abe Lincoln wrote after he became
President;yetyouwillnotethathepraisedGeneralHookerbeforehespokeof
hisgravefaults.
Yes,theyweregravefaults,butLincolndidn’tcallthemthat.Lincolnwas
moreconservative,morediplomatic.Lincolnwrote:‘Therearesome things in
regard to which I am not quite satisfied with you.’ Talk about tact! And
diplomacy!
HereistheletteraddressedtoGeneralHooker:
I have placed you at the head of the Army of the Potomac. Of
course,Ihavedonethisuponwhatappearstometobesufficient
reasons,andyetIthinkitbestforyoutoknowthattherearesome
thingsinregardtowhichIamnotquitesatisfiedwithyou.
I believe you to be a brave and skillful soldier, which, of
course, I like. I also believe you do not mix politics with your
profession, in which you are right. You have confidence in
yourself,whichisavaluableifnotanindispensablequality.
You are ambitious, which, within reasonable bounds, does
good rather than harm. But I think that during General
Burnside’scommandofthearmyyouhavetakencounselofyour
ambition and thwarted him as much as you could, in which you
did a great wrong to the country and to a most meritorious and
honourablebrotherofficer.
Ihaveheard,insuchawayasto believeit,ofyourrecently
sayingthatboththearmyandtheGovernmentneededadictator.
Ofcourse,itwasnotforthis,butin spiteofit, thatIhave given
youcommand.
Only those generals who gain successes can set up as
dictators.WhatInowaskofyouismilitarysuccessandIwillrisk
thedictatorship.
TheGovernmentwillsupportyoutotheutmostofitsability,
whichisneithermorenorlessthanithasdoneandwilldoforall
commanders.Imuchfearthatthespiritwhichyouhaveaidedto
infuse into the army, of criticizing their commander and
withholdingconfidencefromhim,willnowturnuponyou.Ishall
assistyou,asfarasIcan,toputitdown.
Neither you nor Napoleon, if he were alive again, could get
anygoodoutofanarmywhilesuchspiritprevailsinit,andnow
beware of rashness. Beware of rashness, but with energy and
sleeplessvigilance,goforwardandgiveusvictories.
Youarenota Coolidge, a McKinley or a Lincoln. You want to know whether
thisphilosophywilloperateforyouineverydaybusinesscontacts.Willit?Let’s
see.Let’stakethecaseofW.P.Gaw,oftheWarkCompany,Philadelphia.
The Wark Company had contracted to build and complete a large office
buildinginPhiladelphiabyacertainspecifieddate.Everythingwasgoingalong
well;thebuildingwasalmostfinished,whensuddenlythesubcontractormaking
theornamentalbronzeworktogoontheexteriorofthisbuildingdeclaredthat
hecouldn’tmakedeliveryonschedule.What!Anentirebuildingheldup!Heavy
penalties!Distressinglosses!Allbecauseofoneman!
Long-distance telephone calls. Arguments! Heated conversations! All in
vain.ThenMr.GawwassenttoNewYorktobeardthebronzelioninhisden.
‘DoyouknowyouaretheonlypersoninBrooklynwithyourname?’Mr.
Gaw asked the president of the subcontracting firm shortly after they were
introduced.Thepresidentwassurprised.‘No,Ididn’tknowthat.’
‘Well,’saidMr.Gaw,‘whenIgotoffthetrainthismorning,Ilookedinthe
telephonebooktogetyouraddress,andyou’retheonlypersonintheBrooklyn
phonebookwithyourname.’
‘Ineverknewthat,’thesubcontractorsaid.Hecheckedthephonebookwith
interest. ‘Well, it’s an unusual name,’ he said proudly. ‘My family came from
HollandandsettledinNewYorkalmosttwohundredyearsago.’Hecontinued
totalkabouthisfamilyandhisancestorsforseveralminutes.Whenhefinished
that,Mr.Gawcomplimentedhimonhowlargeaplanthehadandcomparedit
favourably with a number of similar plants he had visited. ‘It is one of the
cleanestandneatestbronzefactoriesIeversaw.’saidGaw.
‘I’vespentalifetimebuildingupthisbusiness,’thesubcontractorsaid,‘and
Iamratherproudofit.Wouldyouliketotakealookaroundthefactory?’
Duringthistourofinspection,Mr.Gawcomplimentedtheothermanonhis
systemoffabricationandtoldhimhowandwhyitseemedsuperiortothoseof
someofhiscompetitors. Gaw commentedonsomeunusualmachines, and the
subcontractorannouncedthathehimselfhadinventedthosemachines.Hespent
considerabletimeshowingGawhowtheyoperatedandthesuperiorworkthey
turned out. He insisted on taking his visitor to lunch. So far, mind you, not a
wordhadbeensaidabouttherealpurposeofGaw’svisit.
After lunch, the subcontractor said, ‘Now, to get down to business.
Naturally,Iknowwhyyou’rehere.Ididn’texpectthatourmeetingwouldbeso
enjoyable.YoucangobacktoPhiladelphiawithmypromisethatyourmaterial
willbefabricatedandshipped,evenifotherordershavetobedelayed.’
Mr. Gaw got everything that he wanted without even asking for it. The
material arrived on time, and the building was completed on the day the
completioncontractspecified.
Would this have happened had Mr. Gaw used the hammer-and-dynamite
methodgenerallyemployedonsuchoccasions?
Dorothy Wrublewski, a branch manager of the Fort Monmouth, New
Jersey,FederalCreditUnion,reportedtooneofourclasseshowshewasableto
helponeofheremployeesbecomemoreproductive.
‘We recently hired a young lady as a teller trainee. Her contact with our
customerswasverygood.Shewasaccurateandefficientinhandlingindividual
transactions.Theproblemdevelopedattheendofthedaywhenitwastimeto
balanceout.
‘TheheadtellercametomeandstronglysuggestedthatIfirethiswoman.
“Sheisholdingupeveryoneelsebecausesheissoslowinbalancingout.I’ve
shownheroverandover,butshecan’tgetit.She’sgottogo.”
‘The next day I observed her working quickly and accurately when
handlingthenormaleverydaytransactions,andshewasverypleasantwithour
customers.
‘Itdidn’ttakelongtodiscoverwhyshehadtroublebalancingout.Afterthe
officeclosed,Iwentovertotalkwithher.Shewasobviouslynervousandupset.
I praised her for being so friendly and outgoing with the customers and
complimentedherfortheaccuracyandspeedusedinthatwork.Ithensuggested
wereviewtheprocedureweuseinbalancingthecashdrawer.Oncesherealised
Ihadconfidenceinher,sheeasilyfollowedmysuggestionsandsoonmastered
thisfunction.Wehavehadnoproblemswithhersincethen.’
Beginning with praise is like the dentist who begins his work with
Novocain. The patient still gets a drilling, but the Novocain is pain-killing. A
leaderwilluse...
PRINCIPLE1
Beginwithpraiseandhonestappreciation.
CHARLES SCHWAB WAS passing through one of his steel mills one day at noon
whenhecameacrosssomeofhisemployeessmoking.Immediatelyabovetheir
headswasasignthatsaid‘NoSmoking.’DidSchwabpointtothesignandsay,
‘Can’tyouread?’Ohno,notSchwab.Hewalkedovertothemen,handedeach
one a cigar, and said, ‘I’ll appreciate it, boys, if you will smoke these on the
outside.’Theyknewthatheknewthattheyhadbrokenarule–andtheyadmired
him because he said nothing about it andgave them a little presentand made
themfeelimportant.Couldn’tkeepfromlovingamanlikethat,couldyou?
JohnWanamakerusedthesametechnique.Wanamakerusedtomakeatour
ofhisgreatstoreinPhiladelphiaeveryday.Oncehesawacustomerwaitingata
counter.Noonewaspayingtheslightestattentiontoher.Thesalespeople?Oh,
theywereinahuddleatthefarendofthecounterlaughingandtalkingamong
themselves.Wanamakerdidn’tsayaword.Quietlyslippingbehindthecounter,
hewaitedonthewomanhimselfandthenhandedthepurchasetothesalespeople
tobewrappedashewentonhisway.
Public officials are often criticised for not being accessible to their
constituents. They are busy people, and the fault sometimes lies in
overprotective assistants who don’t want to overburden their bosses with too
many visitors. Carl Langford, who has been mayor of Orlando, Florida, the
homeofDisneyWorld,formanyyears,frequentlyadmonishedhisstafftoallow
peopletoseehim.Heclaimedhehadan‘open-door’policy;yetthecitizensof
hiscommunitywereblockedbysecretariesandadministratorswhentheycalled.
Finallythemayorfoundthesolution.Heremovedthedoorfromhisoffice!
His aides gotthe message, andthe mayor hashad a trulyopen administration
sincethedayhisdoorwassymbolicallythrownaway.
Simply changing one three-letter word can often spell the difference
between failure and success in changing people without giving offence or
arousingresentment.
Manypeoplebegintheircriticismwithsincerepraisefollowedbytheword
‘but’ and ending with a critical statement. For example, in trying to change a
child’s careless attitude toward studies, we might say, ‘We’re really proud of
you,Johnnie,forraisingyourgradesthisterm.Butifyouhadworkedharderon
youralgebra,theresultswouldhavebeenbetter.’
Inthiscase,Johnniemightfeelencourageduntilheheardtheword‘but.’
He mightthen question the sincerity of the originalpraise. To him, the praise
seemedonlytobeacontrivedlead-intoacriticalinferenceoffailure.Credibility
would be strained, and we probably would not achieve our objectives of
changingJohnnie’sattitudetowardhisstudies.
Thiscouldbeeasilyovercomebychangingtheword‘but’to‘and.’‘We’re
reallyproudofyou,Johnnie,forraisingyourgradesthisterm,andbycontinuing
thesameconscientiouseffortsnextterm,youralgebragradecanbeupwithall
theothers.’
Now,Johnniewouldacceptthepraisebecausetherewasnofollow-upofan
inferenceoffailure.Wehavecalledhisattentiontothebehaviourwewishedto
changeindirectly,andthechancesarehewilltrytoliveuptoourexpectations.
Callingattentiontoone’smistakesindirectlyworkswonderswithsensitive
peoplewhomayresentbitterlyanydirectcriticism.MargeJacobofWoonsocket,
Rhode Island, told one of our classes how she convinced some sloppy
construction workers to clean up after themselves when they were building
additionstoherhouse.
Forthefirstfewdaysofthework,whenMrs.Jacobreturnedfromherjob,
shenoticedthattheyardwasstrewnwiththecutendsoflumber.Shedidn’twant
toantagonisethebuilders,becausetheydidexcellentwork.Soaftertheworkers
hadgonehome,sheandherchildrenpickedupandneatlypiledallthelumber
debrisinacorner.Thefollowingmorningshecalledtheforemantoonesideand
said,‘I’mreallypleasedwiththewaythefrontlawnwasleftlastnight;itisnice
and clean and does not offend the neighbours.’ From that day forward the
workers picked up and piled the debris to one side, and the foreman came in
each day seeking approval of the condition the lawn was left in after a day’s
work.
One of the major areas of controversy between members of the army
reserves and their regular army trainers is haircuts. The reservists consider
themselvescivilians(whichtheyaremostofthetime)andresenthavingtocut
theirhairshort.
Master Sergeant Harley Kaiser of the 542nd USAR School addressed
himself to this problem when he was working with a group of reserve
noncommissioned officers. As an old-time regular-army master sergeant, he
might have been expected to yell at his troops and threaten them. Instead he
chosetomakehispointindirectly.
‘Gentlemen,’hestarted,‘youareleaders.Youwillbemosteffectivewhen
you lead by example. You must be the example for your men to follow. You
knowwhatthearmyregulationssayabouthaircuts.Iamgoingtogetmyhaircut
today,althoughitisstillmuchshorterthansomeofyours.Youlookatyourself
in the mirror, and if you feel you need a haircut to be a good example, we’ll
arrangetimeforyoutovisitthepostbarbership.’
Theresultwaspredictable.Severalofthecandidatesdidlookinthemirror
and went to the barbershop that afternoon and received ‘regulation’ haircuts.
Sergeant Kaiser commented the next morning that he already could see the
developmentofleadershipqualitiesinsomeofthemembersofthesquad.
OnMarch8,1887,theeloquentHenryWardBeecherdied.Thefollowing
Sunday,LymanAbbottwasinvitedtospeakinthepulpitleftsilentbyBeecher’s
passing.Eagertodohisbest,hewrote,rewroteandpolishedhissermonwiththe
meticulouscareofaFlaubert.Thenhereadittohiswife.Itwaspoor–asmost
written speeches are. She might have said, if she had had less judgement,
‘Lyman,thatisterrible.That’llneverdo.You’llputpeopletosleep.Itreadslike
anencyclopedia.Yououghttoknowbetterthanthatafteralltheyearsyouhave
beenpreaching.Forheaven’ssake,whydon’tyoutalklikeahumanbeing?Why
don’tyouactnatural?You’lldisgraceyourselfifyoueverreadthatstuff.’
That’swhat she might have said. And, if she had, you know what would
havehappened.Andsheknewtoo.So,shemerelyremarkedthatitwouldmake
anexcellentarticlefortheNorthAmericanReview.Inotherwords,shepraisedit
and at the sametime subtly suggested thatit wouldn’tdo as aspeech. Lyman
Abbott saw the point, tore up his carefully prepared manuscript and preached
withoutevenusingnotes.
Aneffectivewaytocorrectothers’mistakesis...
PRINCIPLE2
Callattentiontopeople’smistakesindirectly.
MYNIECE,JOSEPHINECarnegie,hadcometoNewYorktobemysecretary.She
was nineteen, had graduated from high school three years previously, and her
business experience was a trifle more than zero. She became one of the most
proficient secretaries west of Suez, but in the beginning, she was – well,
susceptible to improvement. One day when I started to criticise her, I said to
myself: ‘Just a minute, Dale Carnegie; just a minute. You are twice as old as
Josephine.Youhavehadtenthousandtimesasmuchbusinessexperience.How
can you possibly expect her to have your viewpoint, your judgement, your
initiative–mediocrethoughtheymaybe?Andjustaminute,Dale,whatwere
youdoingatnineteen?Remembertheasininemistakesandblundersyoumade?
Rememberthetimeyoudidthis...andthat...?’
After thinking the matter over, honestly and impartially, I concluded that
Josephine’sbattingaverageatnineteenwasbetterthanminehadbeen–andthat,
I’msorrytoconfess,isn’tpayingJosephinemuchofacompliment.
So after that, when I wanted to call Josephine’s attention to a mistake, I
used to begin by saying, ‘You have made a mistake, Josephine, but the Lord
knows,it’snoworsethanmanyIhavemade.Youwerenotbornwithjudgement.
Thatcomesonlywithexperience, and youarebetterthanIwasat your age. I
have been guilty of so many stupid, silly things myself, I have very little
inclination to criticise youor anyone. Butdon’tyou think it would have been
wiserifyouhaddonesoandso?’
Itisn’tnearly sodifficult to listen toarecitalofyour faults if the person
criticisingbeginsbyhumblyadmittingthathe,too,isfarfromimpeccable.
E.G. Dillistone, an engineer in Brandon, Manitoba, Canada, was having
problemswithhisnewsecretary.Lettershedictatedwerecomingtohisdeskfor
signaturewithtwoor three spellingmistakesperpage.Mr. Dillistone reported
howhehandledthis:
‘Like many engineers, Ihave not been notedfor my excellent Englishor
spelling.ForyearsIhavekeptalittleblackthumb-indexbookforwordsIhad
trouble spelling. When it became apparent that merely pointing out the errors
was not going to cause my secretary to do more proofreading and dictionary
work, I resolved to take another approach. When the next letter came to my
attentionthathaderrorsinit,Isatdownwiththetypistandsaid:
‘“Somehow this word doesn’t look right. It’s one of the words I always
havehadtroublewith.That’sthereasonIstartedthisspellingbookofmine.[I
openedthebooktotheappropriatepage.]Yes,hereitis.I’mveryconsciousof
my spelling now because people do judge us by our letters and misspellings
makeuslooklessprofessional.”
‘I don’t know whether she copied my system or not, but since that
conversation,herfrequencyofspellingerrorshasbeensignificantlyreduced.’
The polished Prince Bernhard von Bülow learned the sharp necessity of
doing this back in 1909. Von Bülow was then the Imperial Chancellor of
Germany,andonthethronesatWilhelmII–Wilhelm,thehaughty;Wilhelm,the
arrogant;Wilhelm,thelastofthe GermanKaisers,buildinganarmy and navy
thatheboastedcouldwhiptheirweightinwildcats.
Then an astonishing thing happened. The Kaiser said things, incredible
things,thingsthatrockedthecontinentandstartedaseriesofexplosionsheard
around the world. To make matters infinitely worse, the Kaiser made silly,
egotistical,absurdannouncementsinpublic,hemadethemwhilehewasaguest
inEngland,andhegavehisroyalpermissiontohavethemprintedintheDaily
Telegraph. For example, he declared that he was the only German who felt
friendlytowardtheEnglish;thathewasconstructinganavyagainstthemenace
ofJapan;thathe,andhealone,hadsavedEnglandfrombeinghumbledinthe
dust by Russia and France; that it had been his campaign plan that enabled
England’sLordRobertstodefeattheBoersinSouthAfrica;andsoonandon.
NoothersuchamazingwordshadeverfallenfromthelipsofaEuropean
kinginpeacetimewithinahundredyears.Theentirecontinentbuzzedwiththe
furyofahornet’snest.Englandwasincensed.German statesmenwereaghast.
And in the midst of all this consternation, the Kaiser became panicky and
suggestedtoPrincevonBülow,theImperialChancellor,thathetaketheblame.
Yes,hewantedvonBülowtoannouncethatitwasallhisresponsibility,thathe
hadadvisedhismonarchtosaytheseincrediblethings.
‘ButYourMajesty,’vonBülowprotested,‘itseemstomeutterlyimpossible
thatanybodyeitherinGermanyorEnglandcouldsupposemecapableofhaving
advisedYourMajestytosayanysuchthing.’
Themomentthose words were out ofvonBülow’s mouth,herealisedhe
hadmadeagravemistake.TheKaiserblewup.
‘Youconsidermeadonkey,’heshouted,‘capableofblundersyouyourself
couldneverhavecommitted!’
VonBülowknewthatheoughttohavepraisedbeforehecondemned;but
since that was too late, he did the next best thing. He praised after he had
criticised.Anditworkedamiracle.
‘I’m far from suggesting that,’ he answered respectfully. ‘Your Majesty
surpasses me in many respects; not only, of course, in naval and military
knowledge,butaboveall,innaturalscience.Ihaveoftenlistenedinadmiration
when Your Majesty explained the barometer, or wireless telegraphy, or the
Roentgenrays.Iamshamefullyignorantofallbranchesofnaturalscience,have
no notion of chemistry or physics, and am quite incapable of explaining the
simplestofnaturalphenomena.But,’vonBülowcontinued,‘incompensation,I
possess some historical knowledge and perhaps certain qualities useful in
politics,especiallyindiplomacy.’
TheKaiserbeamed.VonBülow hadpraisedhim.VonBülowhadexalted
himandhumbledhimself.TheKaisercouldforgiveanythingafterthat.‘Haven’t
Ialwaystoldyou,’heexclaimedwithenthusiasm,‘thatwecompleteoneanother
famously?Weshouldsticktogether,andwewill!’
HeshookhandswithvonBülow,notonce,butseveraltimes.Andlaterin
thedayhewaxedsoenthusiasticthatheexclaimedwithdoubledfists,‘Ifanyone
saysanythingtomeagainstPrincevonBülow,Ishallpunchhiminthenose.’
Von Bülow saved himself in time – but, canny diplomat that he was, he
neverthelesshadmadeoneerror:heshouldhavebegunbytalkingabouthisown
shortcomingsandWilhelm’ssuperiority–notbyintimatingthattheKaiserwasa
half-witinneedofaguardian.
Ifafewsentenceshumblingoneselfandpraisingtheotherpartycanturna
haughty,insultedKaiserintoastaunchfriend,imaginewhathumilityandpraise
can do for you and me in our daily contacts. Rightfully used, they will work
veritablemiraclesinhumanrelations.
Admittingone’sownmistakes–evenwhenonehasn’tcorrectedthem–can
help convince somebody to change his behaviour. This was illustrated more
recentlybyClarenceZerhusenofTimonium,Maryland,whenhediscoveredhis
fifteen-year-oldsonwasexperimentingwithcigarettes.
‘Naturally, I didn’t want David to smoke,’ Mr. Zerhusen told us, ‘but his
motherandIsmokedcigarettes;weweregivinghimabadexampleallthetime.
IexplainedtoDavehowIstartedsmokingatabouthisageandhowthenicotine
had gotten the best of me and now it was nearly impossible for me to stop. I
reminded him how irritating my cough was and how he had been after me to
giveupcigarettesnotmanyyearsbefore.
‘I didn’t exhort him to stop or make threats or warn him about their
dangers.AllIdidwaspointouthowIwashookedoncigarettesandwhatithad
meanttome.
‘He thought aboutit for awhile and decidedhe wouldn’tsmoke until he
had graduated from high school. As the years went by David never did start
smokingandhasnointentionofeverdoingso.
‘As a result of that conversation I made the decision to stop smoking
cigarettesmyself,andwiththesupportofmyfamily,Ihavesucceeded.’
Agoodleaderfollowsthisprinciple:
PRINCIPLE3
Talkaboutyourownmistakesbeforecriticisingtheotherperson.
IONCEHADthepleasureofdiningwithMissIdaTarbell,thedeanofAmerican
biographers.WhenItoldherIwaswritingthisbook,webegandiscussingthis
all-importantsubjectofgettingalongwithpeople,andshetoldmethatwhileshe
waswritingherbiographyofOwenD.Young,sheinterviewedamanwhohad
sat for three years in the same office with Mr. Young. This man declared that
duringallthattimehehadneverheardOwenD.Younggiveadirectorderto
anyone.Healwaysgavesuggestions,notorders.OwenD.Youngneversaid,for
example,‘Dothisordothat,’or‘Don’tdothisordon’tdothat.’Hewouldsay,
‘You might consider this,’ or ‘Do you think that would work?’ Frequently he
wouldsay,afterhehaddictatedaletter,‘Whatdoyouthinkofthis?’Inlooking
overaletterofoneofhisassistants,hewouldsay,‘Maybeifweweretophrase
it this way it would be better.’ He always gave people the opportunity to do
thingsthemselves;henevertoldhisassistantstodothings;heletthemdothem,
letthemlearnfromtheirmistakes.
A technique like that makes it easy for a person to correct errors. A
technique like that saves a person’s pride and gives him or her a feeling of
importance.Itencouragescooperationinsteadofrebellion.
Resentmentcausedbyabrashordermaylastalongtime–eveniftheorder
was given to correct an obviously bad situation. DanSantarelli, a teacher at a
vocationalschoolinWyoming,Pennsylvania,toldoneofourclasseshowoneof
his students had blocked the entrance way to one of the school’s shops by
illegally parking his car in it. One of the other instructors stormed into the
classroomandaskedinanarroganttone,‘Whosecarisblockingthedriveway?’
Whenthestudentwhoownedthecarresponded,theinstructorscreamed:‘Move
thatcarandmoveitrightnow,orI’llwrapachainarounditanddragitoutof
there.’
Nowthatstudentwaswrong.Thecarshouldnothavebeenparkedthere.
Butfromthatdayon,notonlydidthatstudentresenttheinstructor’saction,but
allthestudentsintheclassdideverythingtheycouldtogivetheinstructorahard
timeandmakehisjobunpleasant.
Howcouldhehavehandleditdifferently?Ifhehadaskedinafriendlyway,
‘Whosecarisinthedriveway?’andthensuggestedthatifitweremoved,other
carscouldgetinandout,thestudentwouldhavegladlymoveditandneitherhe
norhisclassmateswouldhavebeenupsetandresentful.
Asking questions not only makes an order more palatable; it often
stimulatesthecreativityofthepersonswhomyouask.Peoplearemorelikelyto
acceptanorderiftheyhavehadapartinthedecisionthatcausedtheordertobe
issued.
WhenIanMacdonaldofJohannesburg,SouthAfrica,thegeneralmanager
ofasmallmanufacturingplantspecialisinginprecisionmachineparts,hadthe
opportunity to accept a very large order, he was convinced that he would not
meetthepromiseddeliverydate.Theworkalreadyscheduledintheshopandthe
shortcompletiontimeneededforthisordermadeitseemimpossibleforhimto
accepttheorder.
Instead of pushing his people to accelerate their work and rush the order
through,hecalledeverybodytogether,explainedthesituationtothem,andtold
themhowmuchitwouldmeantothecompanyandtothemiftheycouldmakeit
possibletoproducetheorderontime.Thenhestartedaskingquestions:
‘Isthereanythingwecandotohandlethisorder?’
‘Cananyonethinkofdifferentwaystoprocessitthroughtheshopthatwill
makeitpossibletotaketheorder?’
‘Isthereanywaytoadjustourhoursorpersonnelassignmentsthatwould
help?’
Theemployeescameupwithmanyideasandinsistedthathetaketheorder.
Theyapproacheditwitha‘Wecandoit’attitude,andtheorderwasaccepted,
producedanddeliveredontime.
Aneffectiveleaderwilluse...
PRINCIPLE4
Askquestionsinsteadofgivingdirectorders.
YEARS AGO THEGeneralElectricCompanywas faced with the delicate task of
removingCharlesSteinmetzfromtheheadofadepartment.Steinmetz,agenius
ofthefirstmagnitudewhenitcametoelectricity,wasafailureastheheadofthe
calculating department. Yet the company didn’t dare offend the man. He was
indispensable–andhighlysensitive.Sotheygavehimanewtitle.Theymade
himConsultingEngineeroftheGeneralElectricCompany–anewtitleforwork
hewasalreadydoing–andletsomeoneelseheadupthedepartment.
Steinmetzwashappy.
So were the officers of G.E. They had gently manoeuvred their most
temperamentalstar,andtheyhaddoneitwithoutastorm–bylettinghimsave
face.
Lettingone saveface!Howimportant,howvitallyimportantthatis!And
howfewofuseverstoptothinkofit!Werideroughshodoverthefeelingsof
others,gettingourownway,findingfault,issuingthreats,criticisingachildor
an employee in front of others, withouteven consideringthe hurt to the other
person’s pride. Whereas a few minutes’ thought, a considerate word or two, a
genuine understanding of the other person’s attitude, would go so far toward
alleviatingthesting!
Let’s remember that the next time we are faced with the distasteful
necessityofdischargingorreprimandinganemployee.
‘Firing employees is not much fun. Getting fired is even less fun.’ (I’m
quotingnowfromaletterwrittenmebyMarshallA.Granger,acertifiedpublic
accountant.)‘Ourbusinessismostlyseasonal.Thereforewehavetoletalotof
peoplegoaftertheincometaxrushisover.
‘It’s a byword in our profession that no one enjoys wielding the axe.
Consequently,thecustomhasdevelopedofgettingitoverassoonaspossible,
andusuallyinthefollowingway:“Sitdown,Mr.Smith.Theseason’sover,and
wedon’tseemtoseeanymoreassignmentsforyou.Ofcourse,youunderstood
youwereonlyemployedforthebusyseasonanyhow,etc.,etc.”
‘Theeffectonthesepeopleisoneofdisappointmentandafeelingofbeing
“letdown.”Mostofthemareintheaccountingfieldforlife,andtheyretainno
particularloveforthefirmthatdropsthemsocasually.
‘Irecentlydecidedtoletourseasonalpersonnelgowithalittlemoretact
andconsideration.SoIcalleachoneinonlyaftercarefullythinkingoverhisor
her work during the winter. And I’ve said something like this: “Mr. Smith,
you’vedoneafinejob(ifhehas).ThattimewesentyoutoNewark,youhada
tough assignment. You were on the spot, but you came through with flying
colours,andwewantyoutoknowthefirmisproudofyou.You’vegotthestuff
–you’regoingalongway,whereveryou’reworking.Thisfirmbelievesinyou,
andisrootingforyou,andwedon’twantyoutoforgetit.”
‘Effect? The people go away feeling a lot better about being fired. They
don’tfeel“letdown.”Theyknowifwehadworkforthem,we’dkeepthemon.
Andwhenweneedthemagain,theycometouswithakeenpersonalaffection.’
At one session of our course, two class members discussed the negative
effectsoffaultfindingversusthepositiveeffectsoflettingtheotherpersonsave
face.
FredClarkofHarrisburg,Pennsylvania,toldofanincidentthatoccurredin
hiscompany:‘Atone ofourproductionmeetings,a vice presidentwasasking
very pointed questions of one of our production supervisors regarding a
productionprocess.Histoneofvoicewasaggressiveandaimedatpointingout
faultyperformanceonthepartofthesupervisor.Notwantingtobeembarrassed
infrontofhispeers,thesupervisorwasevasiveinhisresponses.Thiscausedthe
vicepresidenttolosehistemper,beratethesupervisorandaccusehimoflying.
‘Any working relationship that mighthave existed prior tothisencounter
was destroyed in a few brief moments. This supervisor, who was basically a
goodworker,wasuselesstoourcompanyfromthattimeon.Afewmonthslater
he left our firm and went to work for a competitor, where I understand he is
doingafinejob.’
Anotherclassmember,AnnaMazzone,relatedhowasimilarincidenthad
occurred at her job – but what a difference in approach and results! Ms.
Mazzone, a marketing specialist for a food packer, was given her first major
assignment–thetestmarketingofanewproduct.Shetoldtheclass:‘Whenthe
resultsofthe testcamein,I wasdevastated.Ihad madeaseriouserror inmy
planning,andtheentiretesthadtobedonealloveragain.Tomakethisworse,I
had no time to discuss it with my boss before the meeting in which I was to
makemyreportontheproject.
‘WhenIwascalledontogivethereport,Iwasshakingwithfright.Ihadall
Icoulddotokeepfrombreakingdown,butIresolvedIwouldnotcryandhave
all those men make remarks about women not being able to handle a
managementjobbecausetheyaretooemotional.Imademyreportbrieflyand
statedthatduetoanerrorIwouldrepeatthestudybeforethenextmeeting.Isat
down,expectingmybosstoblowup.
‘Instead,hethankedmeformyworkandremarkedthatitwasnotunusual
forapersontomakeanerroronanewprojectandthathehadconfidencethat
therepeatsurveywouldbeaccurateandmeaningfultothecompany.Heassured
me,infrontofallmycolleagues,thathehadfaithinmeandknewIhaddone
mybest,andthatmylackofexperience,notmylackofability,wasthereason
forthefailure.
‘Ileftthatmeetingwithmyheadupintheairandwiththedetermination
thatIwouldneverletthatbossofminedownagain.’
Even if we are right and the other person is definitely wrong, we only
destroy ego by causing someone to lose face. The legendary French aviation
pioneerandauthorAntoinedeSaint-Exupérywrote:‘Ihavenorighttosayordo
anythingthatdiminishesamaninhisowneyes.WhatmattersisnotwhatIthink
ofhim,butwhathethinksofhimself.Hurtingamaninhisdignityisacrime.’
Arealleaderwillalwaysfollow...
PRINCIPLE5
Lettheotherpersonsaveface.
PETEBARLOWWASanoldfriendofmine.Hehadadog-and-ponyactandspent
hislifetravellingwithcircusesandvaudevilleshows.IlovedtowatchPetetrain
new dogs for his act. I noticed that the moment a dog showed the slightest
improvement,Petepattedandpraisedhimandgavehimmeatandmadeagreat
to-doaboutit.
That’s nothing new. Animal trainers havebeenusing that sametechnique
forcenturies.
Why, I wonder, don’t we use the same common sense when trying to
changepeoplethatweusewhentryingtochangedogs?Whydon’tweusemeat
instead of a whip? Why don’t we use praise instead of condemnation? Let us
praiseeventheslightestimprovement.Thatinspirestheotherpersontokeepon
improving.
InhisbookIAin’tMuch,Baby–ButI’mAllIGot,thepsychologistJess
Lair comments: ‘Praise is like sunlight to the warm human spirit; we cannot
flower and grow without it. And yet, while most of us are only too ready to
applytoothersthecoldwindofcriticism,wearesomehowreluctanttogiveour
fellowthewarmsunshineofpraise.’
1
Icanlookbackatmyownlifeandseewhereafewwordsofpraisehave
sharplychangedmyentirefuture.Can’tyousaythesamethingaboutyourlife?
Historyisrepletewithstrikingillustrationsofthesheerwitcheryofpraise.
For example, many years ago a boy of ten was working in a factory in
Naples. He longed to be a singer, but his first teacher discouraged him. ‘You
can’tsing,’hesaid.‘Youhaven’tanyvoiceatall.Itsoundslikethewindinthe
shutters.’
Buthismother,apoorpeasantwoman,putherarmsabouthimandpraised
himandtoldhimsheknewhecouldsing,shecouldalreadyseeanimprovement,
andshewentbarefootinordertosavemoneytopayforhismusiclessons.That
peasant mother’s praise and encouragement changed that boy’s life. His name
wasEnricoCaruso,andhebecamethegreatestandmostfamousoperasingerof
hisage.
In the early nineteenth century, a young man in London aspired to be a
writer. But everything seemed to be against him. He had never been able to
attendschoolmorethanfouryears.Hisfatherhadbeenflunginjailbecausehe
couldn’t pay his debts, and this young man often knew the pangs of hunger.
Finally, he got a job pasting labels on bottles of blacking in a rat-infested
warehouse,andhesleptatnightinadismalatticroomwithtwootherboys–
guttersnipesfromtheslumsofLondon.Hehadsolittleconfidenceinhisability
towritethathesneakedoutandmailedhisfirstmanuscriptinthedeadofnight
sonobodywouldlaughathim.Storyafterstorywasrefused.Finallythegreat
daycamewhenonewasaccepted.True,hewasn’tpaidashillingforit,butone
editorhadpraisedhim.Oneeditorhadgivenhimrecognition.Hewassothrilled
thathewanderedaimlesslyaroundthestreetswithtearsrollingdownhischeeks.
The praise, the recognition, that he received through getting one story in
print, changed his whole life, for if it hadn’t been for that encouragement, he
mighthavespenthisentirelifeworkinginrat-infestedfactories.Youmayhave
heardofthatboy.HisnamewasCharlesDickens.
AnotherboyinLondonmadehislivingasaclerkinadry-goodsstore.He
hadtogetupatfiveo’clock,sweepoutthestore,andslaveforfourteenhoursa
day.Itwassheerdrudgeryandhedespisedit.Aftertwoyears,hecouldstandit
nolonger,sohegotuponemorningand,withoutwaitingforbreakfast,tramped
fifteenmilestotalktohismother,whowasworkingasahousekeeper.
He was frantic. He pleaded with her. He wept. He swore he would kill
himself if he had to remain in the shop any longer. Then he wrote a long,
patheticlettertohisoldschoolmaster,declaringthathewasheartbroken,thathe
no longer wanted to live. His old schoolmaster gave him a little praise and
assured him that he really was very intelligent and fitted for finer things and
offeredhimajobasateacher.
Thatpraisechangedthefutureofthatboyandmadealastingimpressionon
the history of English literature. For that boy went on to write innumerable
bestsellingbooksandmadeoveramilliondollarswithhispen.You’veprobably
heardofhim.Hisname:H.G.Wells.
Use of praise instead of criticism is the basic concept of B.F. Skinner’s
teachings.Thisgreatcontemporarypsychologisthasshownbyexperimentswith
animals and with humans that when criticism is minimised and praise
emphasised,thegoodthingspeopledowillbereinforcedandthepoorerthings
willatrophyforlackofattention.
John Ringelspaugh of RockyMount,North Carolina, used thisin dealing
withhischildren.Itseemedthat,asinsomanyfamilies,motheranddad’schief
form of communication with the children was yelling at them. And, as in so
manycases,thechildrenbecamealittleworseratherthanbetteraftereachsuch
session – and so did the parents. There seemed to be no end in sight for this
problem.
Mr.Ringelspaughdeterminedtousesomeoftheprincipleshewaslearning
in our course to solve this situation. He reported: ‘We decided to try praise
insteadofharpingontheirfaults.Itwasn’teasywhenallwecouldseewerethe
negativethingstheyweredoing;itwasreallytoughtofindthingstopraise.We
managedtofind something,andwithinthe firstdayortwosome ofthereally
upsettingthingstheyweredoingquithappening.Thensomeoftheirotherfaults
begantodisappear.Theybegancapitalisingonthepraiseweweregivingthem.
Theyevenbegangoingoutoftheirwaytodothingsright.Neitherofuscould
believe it. Of course, it didn’t last forever, but the norm reached after things
levelledoffwassomuchbetter.Itwasnolongernecessarytoreactthewaywe
usedto.Thechildrenweredoingfarmorerightthingsthanwrongones.’Allof
thiswasaresultofpraisingtheslightestimprovementinthechildrenratherthan
condemningeverythingtheydidwrong.
This works on the job too. Keith Roper of Woodland Hills, California,
appliedthisprincipletoasituationinhiscompany.Somematerialcametohim
inhisprintshopwhichwasofexceptionallyhighquality.Theprinterwhohad
donethisjobwasanewemployeewhohadbeenhavingdifficultyadjustingto
thejob.Hissupervisorwasupsetaboutwhatheconsideredanegativeattitude
andwasseriouslythinkingofterminatinghisservices.
WhenMr.Roperwasinformedofthissituation,hepersonallywentoverto
theprintshopandhadatalkwiththeyoungman.Hetoldhimhowpleasedhe
waswiththeworkhehadjustreceivedandpointedoutitwasthebestworkhe
hadseenproducedinthatshopforsometime.Hepointedoutexactlywhyitwas
superiorandhowimportanttheyoungman’scontributionwastothecompany.
Do you think this affected that young printer’s attitude toward the
company?Withindaystherewasacompleteturn-about.Hetoldseveralofhis
co-workers about the conversation and how someone in the company really
appreciated good work. And from that day on, he was a loyal and dedicated
worker.
WhatMr.Roperdidwasnotjustflattertheyoungprinterandsay‘You’re
good.’Hespecificallypointedouthowhisworkwassuperior.Becausehehad
singledoutaspecificaccomplishment,ratherthanjustmakinggeneralflattering
remarks,hispraisebecamemuchmoremeaningfultothepersontowhomitwas
given.Everybodylikestobepraised,butwhenpraiseisspecific,itcomesacross
assincere–notsomethingtheotherpersonmaybesayingjusttomakeonefeel
good.
Remember, weallcrave appreciation and recognition,andwill do almost
anythingtogetit.Butnobodywantsinsincerity.Nobodywantsflattery.
Letmerepeat:Theprinciplestaughtinthisbookwillworkonlywhenthey
comefromtheheart.Iamnotadvocatingabagoftricks.Iamtalkingabouta
newwayoflife.
Talking about changing people. If you and I will inspire the people with
whomwecomeincontacttoarealisationofthehiddentreasurestheypossess,
wecandofarmorethanchangepeople.Wecanliterallytransformthem.
Exaggeration?ThenlistentothesesagewordsfromWilliamJames,oneof
the most distinguished psychologists and philosophers America has ever
produced:
Comparedwithwhatweoughttobe,weareonlyhalfawake.We
are making use of only a small part of our physical and mental
resources. Stating the thing broadly, the human individual thus
lives far within his limits. He possesses powers of various sorts
whichhehabituallyfailstouse.
Yes,youwhoarereadingtheselinespossesspowersofvarioussortswhichyou
habituallyfailtouse;andoneofthesepowersyouareprobablynotusingtothe
fullest extent is your magic ability to praise people and inspire them with a
realisationoftheirlatentpossibilities.
Abilities wither under criticism; they blossom under encouragement. To
becomeamoreeffectiveleaderofpeople,apply...
PRINCIPLE6
Praisetheslightestimprovementandpraiseeveryimprovement.Be‘hearty
inyourapprobationandlavishinyourpraise.’
1.JessLair,IAin’tMuch,Baby–ButI’mAllIGot(Greenwich,Conn.:Fawcett,1976),p.248.
WHATDOYOUdowhenapersonwhohasbeenagoodworkerbeginstoturnin
shoddy work? You can fire him or her, but that really doesn’t solve anything.
Youcanberatetheworker,butthisusuallycausesresentment.HenryHenke,a
servicemanagerforalargetruckdealershipinLowell,Indiana,hadamechanic
whose work had become less than satisfactory. Instead of bawling him out or
threateninghim,Mr. Henke called him into hisoffice and hadaheart-to-heart
talkwithhim.
‘Bill,’hesaid,‘youareafinemechanic.Youhavebeeninthislineofwork
foragoodnumberofyears.Youhaverepairedmanyvehiclestothecustomers’
satisfaction.Infact,we’vehadanumberofcomplimentsaboutthegoodwork
you have done. Yet, of late, the time you take to complete each job has been
increasingandyourworkhasnotbeenuptoyourownoldstandards.Because
youhavebeensuchanoutstandingmechanicinthepast,Ifeltsureyouwould
want to know that I am not happy with this situation, and perhaps jointly we
couldfindsomewaytocorrecttheproblem.’
Billrespondedthathehadn’trealisedhehadbeenfallingdowninhisduties
and assured his bossthat the work hewasgettingwas not out ofhisrange of
expertiseandhewouldtrytoimproveinthefuture.
Did he do it? You can be sure he did. He once again became a fast and
thoroughmechanic.WiththatreputationMr.Henkehadgivenhimtoliveupto,
howcouldhe do anythingelsebutturn outworkcomparabletothatwhichhe
haddoneinthepast.
‘Theaverageperson,’saidSamuelVauclain,thenpresidentoftheBaldwin
LocomotiveWorks,‘canbeledreadilyifyouhavehisorherrespectandifyou
showthatyourespectthatpersonforsomekindofability.’
Inshort,ifyouwanttoimproveapersoninacertainrespect,actasthough
that particular trait were already one of his or her outstanding characteristics.
Shakespearesaid‘Assumeavirtue,ifyouhaveitnot.’Anditmightbewellto
assume and state openly that other people have the virtue you want them to
develop.Givethemafinereputationtoliveupto,andtheywillmakeprodigious
effortsratherthanseeyoudisillusioned.
Georgette Leblanc, in her book Souvenirs, My life with Maeterlinck,
describesthestartlingtransformationofahumbleBelgianCinderella.
‘A servant girl from a neighbouring hotel brought my meals,’ she wrote.
‘Shewascalled“MarietheDishwasher”becauseshehadstartedhercareerasa
sculleryassistant.Shewasakindofmonster,cross-eyed,bandy-legged,poorin
fleshandspirit.
‘Oneday, whileshewasholdingmyplateofmacaroni in her redhand,I
saidtoherpoint-blank,“Marie,youdonotknowwhattreasuresarewithinyou.”
‘Accustomed to holding back her emotion, Marie waited for a few
moments,notdaringtorisktheslightestgestureforfearofacatastrophe.Then
she put the dishonthe table, sighed andsaidingenuously, “Madame, Iwould
never have believed it.” She did not doubt, she did not ask a question. She
simplywentbacktothe kitchen andrepeatedwhatIhadsaid,and such is the
forceoffaiththatnoonemadefunofher.Fromthatdayon,shewasevengiven
a certain consideration. But the most curious change of all occurred in the
humbleMarieherself.Believingshewasthetabernacleofunseenmarvels,she
began taking care of her face and body so carefully that her starved youth
seemedtobloomandmodestlyhideherplainness.
‘Twomonthslater,sheannouncedhercomingmarriagewiththenephewof
thechef.“I’mgoingtobealady,”shesaid,andthankedme.Asmallphrasehad
changedherentirelife.’
GeorgetteLeblanchadgiven‘MarietheDishwasher’areputationtoliveup
to–andthatreputationhadtransformedher.
Bill Parker, a sales representativefor a food company in Daytona Beach,
Florida, was very excited about the new line of products his company was
introducingandwasupsetwhenthemanagerofalargeindependentfoodmarket
turneddowntheopportunitytocarryitinhisstore.Billbroodedalldayoverthis
rejectionanddecidedtoreturntothestorebeforehewenthomethateveningand
tryagain.
‘Jack,’hesaid,‘sinceIleftthismorningIrealisedIhadn’tgivenyouthe
entirepictureofournewline,andIwouldappreciatesomeofyourtimetotell
you about the points I omitted. I have respected the fact that you are always
willingtolistenandarebigenoughtochangeyourmindwhenthefactswarrant
achange.’
CouldJackrefusetogivehimanotherhearing?Notwiththatreputationto
liveupto.
OnemorningDr.MartinFitzhugh,adentistinDublin,Ireland,wasshocked
whenoneofhispatientspointedouttohimthatthemetalcupholderwhichshe
wasusingtorinsehermouthwasnotveryclean.True,thepatientdrankfromthe
papercup,nottheholder,butitcertainlywasnotprofessionaltousetarnished
equipment.
Whenthepatientleft,Dr.Fitzhughretreatedtohisprivateofficetowritea
notetoBridgit,thecharwoman,whocametwiceaweektocleanhisoffice.He
wrote:
MydearBridgit,
Isee yousoseldom,IthoughtI’dtakethetimetothankyoufor
thefinejobofcleaningyou’vebeendoing.Bytheway,Ithought
I’d mention that sincetwo hours, twice aweek, is a verylimited
amountoftime,pleasefeelfree to work an extra half hourfrom
time to time if you feel you need to do those ‘once-in-a-while’
thingslikepolishingthecupholdersandthelike.I,ofcourse,will
payyoufortheextratime.
‘Thenextday,whenIwalkedintomyoffice,’Dr.Fitzhughreported,‘mydesk
hadbeenpolishedtoamirror-likefinish,ashadmychair,whichInearlyslidout
of.WhenIwentintothetreatmentroomIfoundtheshiniest,cleanestchrome-
plated cup holder I had ever seen nestled in its receptacle. I had given my
charwomanafinereputationtoliveupto,andbecauseofthissmallgestureshe
outperformed all her pastefforts. Howmuch additional time didshe spend on
this?That’sright–noneatall.’
Thereisanoldsaying:‘Giveadogabadnameandyoumayaswellhang
him.’Butgivehimagoodname–andseewhathappens!
WhenMrs.RuthHopkins,afourth-gradeteacherinBrooklyn,NewYork,
looked at her class roster the first day of school, her excitement and joy of
starting a new term was tinged with anxiety. In her class this year she would
haveTommyT.,theschool’smostnotorious‘badboy.’Histhird-gradeteacher
hadconstantlycomplainedaboutTommytocolleagues,theprincipalandanyone
elsewhowouldlisten.Hewasnotjustmischievous;hecausedseriousdiscipline
problemsintheclass,pickedfightswiththeboys,teasedthegirls,wasfreshto
the teacher, and seemed to get worse as he grew older. His only redeeming
featurewashisabilitytolearnrapidlyandmastertheschoolworkeasily.
Mrs.Hopkinsdecidedtofacethe‘Tommyproblem’immediately.Whenshe
greeted her new students, she made little comments to each of them: ‘Rose,
that’saprettydressyouarewearing,’‘Alicia,Ihearyoudrawbeautifully.’When
she came to Tommy, she looked him straight in the eyes and said, ‘Tommy, I
understandyouareanaturalleader.I’mgoingtodependonyoutohelpmemake
thisclassthebestclassinthefourthgradethisyear.’Shereinforcedthisoverthe
firstfewdaysbycomplimentingTommyoneverythinghedidandcommenting
onhowthisshowedwhatagoodstudenthewas.Withthatreputationtoliveup
to,evenanine-year-oldcouldn’tletherdown–andhedidn’t.
Ifyouwanttoexcelinthatdifficultleadershiproleofchangingtheattitude
orbehaviourofothers,use...
PRINCIPLE7
Givetheotherpersonafinereputationtoliveupto.
A BACHELOR FRIEND of mine, about forty years old, became engaged, and his
fiancéepersuadedhimtotakesomebelateddancinglessons.‘TheLordknowsI
neededdancinglessons,’heconfessedashetoldmethestory,‘forIdancedjust
as I did when I first started twenty years ago. The first teacher I engaged
probablytoldmethetruth.ShesaidIwasallwrong;Iwouldjusthavetoforget
everythingandbeginalloveragain.Butthattooktheheartoutofme.Ihadno
incentivetogoon.SoIquither.
‘Thenextteachermayhavebeenlying,butIlikedit.Shesaidnonchalantly
thatmydancingwasabitold-fashionedperhaps,butthefundamentalswereall
right,andsheassuredmeIwouldn’thaveanytroublelearningafewnewsteps.
The first teacher had discouraged me by emphasising my mistakes. This new
teacherdidtheopposite.ShekeptpraisingthethingsIdidrightandminimising
myerrors.“Youhaveanaturalsenseofrhythm,”sheassuredme.“Youreallyare
anatural-borndancer.”NowmycommonsensetellsmethatIalwayshavebeen
andalwayswillbeafourth-ratedancer;yet,deepinmyheart,Istillliketothink
thatmaybeshemeantit.Tobesure,Iwaspayinghertosayit;butwhybring
thatup?
‘At any rate, I know I am a better dancer than I would have been if she
hadn’ttoldmeIhadanaturalsenseofrhythm.Thatencouragedme.Thatgave
mehope.Thatmademewanttoimprove.’
Tellyourchild,yourspouse,oryouremployeethatheorsheisstupidor
dumbatacertainthing,hasnogiftforit,andisdoingitallwrong,andyouhave
destroyed almost every incentive to try to improve. But use the opposite
technique–beliberalwithyourencouragement,makethethingseemeasytodo,
lettheotherpersonknowthatyouhavefaithinhisabilitytodoit,thathehasan
undeveloped flair for it – and he will practise until the dawn comes in the
windowinordertoexcel.
LowellThomas,asuperbartistinhumanrelations,usedthistechnique.He
gaveyouconfidence,inspiredyouwithcourageandfaith.Forexample,Ispenta
weekendwithMr.andMrs.Thomas;andonSaturdaynight,Iwasaskedtositin
onafriendlybridgegamebeforearoaringfire.Bridge?Oh,no!No!Notme.I
knewnothingaboutit.Thegamehadalwaysbeenablackmysterytome.No!
No!Impossible!
‘Why,Dale,itisnotrickatall,’Lowellreplied.‘Thereisnothingtobridge
exceptmemoryandjudgement.You’vewrittenarticlesonmemory.Bridgewill
beacinchforyou.It’srightupyouralley.’
Andpresto,almostbeforeIrealisedwhatIwasdoing,Ifoundmyselffor
thefirsttimeatabridgetable.AllbecauseIwastoldIhadanaturalflairforit
andthegamewasmadetoseemeasy.
SpeakingofbridgeremindsmeofElyCulbertson,whosebooksonbridge
havebeentranslatedintoadozenlanguagesandhavesoldmorethanamillion
copies.Yethetoldmeheneverwouldhavemadeaprofessionoutofthegameif
acertainyoungwomanhadn’tassuredhimhehadaflairforit.
When he came to America in 1922, he tried to get a job teaching in
philosophyandsociology,buthecouldn’t.
Thenhetriedsellingcoal,andhefailedatthat.
Thenhetriedsellingcoffee,andhefailedatthat,too.
Hehadplayedsomebridge,butithadneveroccurredtohiminthosedays
thatsomedayhewouldteachit.Hewasnotonlyapoorcardplayer,buthewas
alsoverystubborn.Heaskedsomanyquestionsandheldsomanypost-mortem
examinationsthatnoonewantedtoplaywithhim.
Then he met a pretty bridge teacher, Josephine Dillon, fell in love and
marriedher.Shenoticedhowcarefullyheanalysedhiscardsandpersuadedhim
thathewasapotentialgeniusatthecardtable.Itwasthatencouragementand
thatalone,Culbertsontoldme,thatcausedhimtomakeaprofessionofbridge.
ClarenceM.Jones,oneoftheinstructorsofourcourseinCincinnati,Ohio,
told how encouragement and making faults seem easy to correct completely
changedthelifeofhisson.
‘In1970mysonDavid,whowasthenfifteenyearsold,cametolivewith
meinCincinnati.Hehadledaroughlife.In1958hisheadwascutopeninacar
accident,leavingaverybadscaronhisforehead.In1960hismotherandIwere
divorcedandhemovedtoDallas,Texas,withhismother.Untilhewasfifteenhe
had spent most of his school years in special classes for slow learners in the
Dallas school system. Possibly because of the scar, school administrators had
decidedhewasbrain-injuredandcouldnotfunctionatanormallevel.Hewas
twoyearsbehindhisagegroup,sohewasonlyintheseventhgrade.Yethedid
notknowhismultiplicationtables,addedonhisfingersandcouldbarelyread.
‘Therewasonepositivepoint.HelovedtoworkonradioandTVsets.He
wanted to become a TV technician. I encouraged this and pointed out that he
neededmathstoqualifyforthetraining.Idecidedtohelphimbecomeproficient
in this subject. We obtained four sets of flash cards: multiplication, division,
addition and subtraction. As we went through the cards, we put the correct
answers in a discard stack. When David missed one, I gave him the correct
answerandthenputthecardintherepeatstackuntiltherewerenocardsleft.I
made a big dealout of eachcard he gotright, particularly if hehad missed it
previously.Eachnightwewouldgothroughtherepeatstackuntiltherewereno
cardsleft.Eachnightwetimedtheexercisewithastopwatch.Ipromisedhim
thatwhenhecouldgetall the cards correctineightminuteswithnoincorrect
answers,wewouldquitdoingiteverynight.Thisseemedanimpossiblegoalto
David.Thefirstnightittook52minutes,thesecondnight,48,then45,44,41,
thenunder40minutes.Wecelebratedeachreduction.I’dcallinmywife,andwe
wouldbothhughimandwe’dalldanceajig.Attheendofthemonthhewas
doingallthecardsperfectlyinlessthaneightminutes.Whenhemadeasmall
improvementhewouldasktodoitagain.Hehadmadethefantasticdiscovery
thatlearningwaseasyandfun.
‘Naturallyhisgradesinalgebratookajump.Itisamazinghowmucheasier
algebraiswhenyoucanmultiply.HeastonishedhimselfbybringinghomeaB
in maths. That had never happened before. Other changes came with almost
unbelievable rapidity. His reading improved rapidly, and he began to use his
naturaltalentsindrawing.Laterintheschoolyearhisscienceteacherassigned
him to develop an exhibit. He chose to develop a highly complex series of
modelstodemonstratetheeffectoflevers.Itrequiredskillnotonlyindrawing
andmodelmakingbutinappliedmathematics.Theexhibittookfirstprizeinhis
school’ssciencefairandwasenteredinthecitycompetitionandwonthirdprize
fortheentirecityofCincinnati.
‘Thatdidit.Herewasakidwhohadflunkedtwogrades,whohadbeentold
hewas“brain-damaged,”whohadbeencalled“Frankenstein”byhisclassmates
and told his brains must have leaked out of the cut on his head. Suddenly he
discoveredhecouldreallylearnandaccomplishthings.Theresult?Fromthelast
quarterofthe eighthgradealltheway throughhighschool,he never failedto
make the honour roll; in high school he was elected to the national honour
society.Oncehefoundlearningwaseasy,hiswholelifechanged.’
Ifyouwanttohelpotherstoimprove,remember...
PRINCIPLE8
Useencouragement.Makethefaultseemeasytocorrect.
BACKIN1915,Americawasaghast.Formorethanayear,thenationsofEurope
hadbeenslaughteringoneanotheronascaleneverbeforedreamedofinallthe
bloody annals of mankind. Could peace be brought about? No one knew. But
Woodrow Wilson was determined to try. He would send a personal
representative,apeaceemissary,tocounselwiththewarlordsofEurope.
William Jennings Bryan, secretary of state, Bryan, the peace advocate,
longed to go.He saw achance to performa great serviceand make hisname
immortal. But Wilson appointed another man, his intimate friend and adviser
Colonel Edward M. House; and it was House’s thorny task to break the
unwelcomenewstoBryanwithoutgivinghimoffence.
‘BryanwasdistinctlydisappointedwhenheheardIwastogotoEuropeas
thepeaceemissary,’ColonelHouserecordsinhisdiary.‘Hesaidhehadplanned
todothishimself...
‘I replied that the President thought itwould be unwise for anyone to do
this officially, and that his going would attract a great deal of attention and
peoplewouldwonderwhyhewasthere...’
You see the intimation? House practically told Bryan that he was too
importantforthejob–andBryanwassatisfied.
ColonelHouse,adroit,experiencedinthewaysoftheworld,wasfollowing
one of the important rules of human relations: Always make the other person
happyaboutdoingthethingyousuggest.
WoodrowWilson followed that policyeven when invitingWilliam Gibbs
McAdoo to become a member of his cabinet. Thatwas the highest honour he
couldconferuponanyone,andyetWilsonextendedtheinvitationinsuchaway
astomakeMcAdoofeeldoublyimportant.HereisthestoryinMcAdoo’sown
words:‘He[Wilson]saidthathewasmakinguphiscabinetandthathewouldbe
verygladifIwouldacceptaplaceinitasSecretaryoftheTreasury.Hehada
delightfulwayofputtingthings;hecreatedtheimpressionthatbyacceptingthis
greathonourIwouldbedoinghimafavour.’
Unfortunately, Wilson didn’t always employ such tact. If he had, history
mighthavebeendifferent.Forexample,Wilsondidn’tmaketheSenateandthe
RepublicanPartyhappybyenteringtheUnitedStatesintheLeagueofNations.
Wilson refused to take such prominent Republican leaders as Elihu Root or
CharlesEvansHughesorHenryCabotLodgetothepeaceconferencewithhim.
Instead, he took along unknown men from his own party. He snubbed the
Republicans,refused toletthem feelthattheLeaguewastheirideaaswellas
his, refused to letthem have a finger in the pie; and, as a resultof this crude
handling of human relations, wrecked his own career, ruined his health,
shortened his life, caused America to stay out of the League, and altered the
historyoftheworld.
Statesmenanddiplomatsaren’ttheonlyoneswhousethismake-a-person-
happy-to-do-things-you-want-them-to-do-approach. Dale O. Ferrier of Fort
Wayne,Indiana,toldhowheencouragedoneofhisyoungchildrentowillingly
dothechorehewasassigned.
‘OneofJeff’schoreswastopickuppearsfromunderthepeartreesothe
personwhowasmowingunderneathwouldn’thavetostoptopickthemup.He
didn’tlikethischore,andfrequentlyitwaseithernotdoneatalloritwasdone
so poorly that the mower had to stop and pick up several pears that he had
missed.Ratherthanhaveaneyeball-to-eyeballconfrontationaboutit,onedayI
said to him: “Jeff, I’ll make a deal with you. For every bushel basket full of
pearsyoupickup,I’llpayyouonedollar.Butafteryouarefinished,forevery
pearIfindleftintheyard,I’lltakeawayadollar.Howdoesthatsound?”Asyou
wouldexpect,henotonlypickedupallofthepears,butIhadtokeepaneyeon
himtoseethathedidn’tpullafewoffthetreestofillupsomeofthebaskets.’
I knew a man who had to refuse many invitations to speak, invitations
extendedbyfriends,invitationscomingfrompeopletowhomhewasobligated;
andyethediditsoadroitlythattheotherpersonwasatleastcontentedwithhis
refusal.Howdidhedoit?Notbymerelytalkingaboutthefactthathewastoo
busy and too-this and too-that. No, after expressing his appreciation of the
invitation and regretting his inability to accept it, he suggested a substitute
speaker.Inotherwords,hedidn’tgivetheotherpersonanytimetofeelunhappy
abouttherefusal.Heimmediatelychangedtheotherperson’sthoughtstosome
otherspeakerwhocouldaccepttheinvitation.
Gunter Schmidt, who took our course in West Germany, told of an
employee in the food store he managed who was negligent about putting the
proper price tags on the shelves where the items were displayed. This caused
confusion and customer complaints. Reminders, admonitions, confrontations
withheraboutthisdidnotdomuchgood.Finally,Mr.Schmidtcalledherinto
hisofficeandtoldherhewasappointingherSupervisorofPriceTagPostingfor
the entire store and she would be responsible for keeping all of the shelves
properly tagged. This new responsibility and title changed her attitude
completely,andshefulfilledherdutiessatisfactorilyfromthenon.
Childish?Perhaps.ButthatiswhattheysaidtoNapoleonwhenhecreated
the Legion of Honour and distributed 15,000 crossesto his soldiers and made
eighteenof his generals ‘Marshals of France’ andcalledhistroopsthe ‘Grand
Army.’Napoleonwascriticisedforgiving‘toys’towar-hardenedveterans,and
Napoleonreplied,‘Menareruledbytoys.’
This technique of giving titles and authority worked for Napoleon and it
willworkforyou.Forexample,afriendofmine,Mrs.ErnestGentofScarsdale,
NewYork,wastroubledbyboysrunningacrossanddestroyingherlawn.She
triedcoaxing.Neitherworked.Thenshetriedgivingtheworstsinnerinthegang
atitleandafeelingofauthority. She made him her ‘detective’ and put him in
charge of keeping all trespassers off her lawn. That solved her problem. Her
‘detective’builtabonfireinthebackyard,heatedanironredhot,andthreatened
tobrandanyboywhosteppedonthelawn.
Theeffectiveleadershouldkeepthefollowingguidelinesinmindwhenitis
necessarytochangeattitudesorbehaviour:
1Besincere.Donotpromiseanythingthatyoucannotdeliver.Forgetabout
thebenefitstoyourselfandconcentrateonthebenefitstotheotherperson.
2Knowexactlywhatitisyouwanttheotherpersontodo.
3.Beempathetic.Askyourselfwhatisittheotherpersonreallywants.
4 Consider the benefits that person will receive from doing what you
suggest.
5Matchthosebenefitstotheotherperson’swants.
6. When you make your request, put it in a form that will convey to the
otherpersontheideathathepersonallywillbenefit.Wecouldgiveacurt
orderlikethis:‘John,wehavecustomerscomingintomorrowandIneed
thestockroomcleanedout.Sosweepitout,putthestockinneatpilesonthe
shelves and polish the counter.’ Or we could express the same idea by
showingJohnthebenefitshewillgetfromdoingthetask:‘John,wehavea
job that should be completed right away. If it is done now, we won’t be
facedwithitlater.Iambringingsomecustomersintomorrowtoshowour
facilities.Iwouldliketoshowthemthestockroom,butitisinpoorshape.If
youcouldsweepitout,putthestockinneatpilesontheshelves,andpolish
the counter, it would make uslook efficient and you will have done your
parttoprovideagoodcompanyimage.’
WillJohnbehappyaboutdoingwhatyousuggest?Probablynotveryhappy,but
happierthanif you had not pointed out the benefits.Assumingyouknowthat
Johnhasprideinthewayhisstockroomlooksandisinterestedincontributingto
thecompanyimage,hewillbemorelikelytobecooperative.Italsowillhave
beenpointedouttoJohnthatthejobwouldhavetobedoneeventuallyandby
doingitnow,hewon’tbefacedwithitlater.
Itisnaïvetobelieveyouwillalwaysgetafavourablereactionfromother
persons when you use these approaches, but the experience of most people
showsthat you are morelikelytochange attitudes this way thanbynotusing
theseprinciples–andifyouincreaseyoursuccessesbyevenamere10percent,
youhavebecome10percentmoreeffectiveasaleaderthanyouwerebefore–
andthatisyourbenefit.
Peoplearemorelikelytodowhatyouwouldlikethemtodowhenyouuse
…
PRINCIPLE9
Maketheotherpersonhappyaboutdoingthethingyousuggest.
INANUTSHELL
BEALEADER
Aleader’sjoboftenincludeschangingyourpeople’sattitudesand
behaviour.Somesuggestionstoaccomplishthis:
PRINCIPLE1
Beginwithpraiseandhonestappreciation.
PRINCIPLE2
Callattentiontopeople’smistakesindirectly.
PRINCIPLE3
Talkaboutyourownmistakesbeforecriticisingtheotherperson.
PRINCIPLE4
Askquestionsinsteadofgivingdirectorders.
PRINCIPLE5
Lettheotherpersonsaveface.
PRINCIPLE6
Praisetheslightestimprovementandpraiseeveryimprovement.Be‘hearty
inyourapprobationandlavishinyourpraise.’
PRINCIPLE7
Givetheotherpersonafinereputationtoliveupto.
PRINCIPLE8
Useencouragement.Makethefaultseemeasytocorrect.
PRINCIPLE9
Maketheotherpersonhappyaboutdoingthethingyousuggest.
This biographical information about Dale Carnegie was written as an
introductiontotheoriginaleditionofHowtoWinFriendsandInfluencePeople.
ItisreprintedinthiseditiontogivethereadersadditionalbackgroundonDale
Carnegie.
It was a cold January night in 1935, but the weather couldn’t keep them
away. Two thousand five hundred men and women thronged into the grand
ballroomoftheHotelPennsylvaniainNewYork.Everyavailableseatwasfilled
byhalf-pastseven.Ateighto’clock,theeagercrowdwasstillpouringin.The
spacious balcony was soon jammed. Presently even standing space was at a
premium,andhundredsofpeople,tiredafternavigatingadayinbusiness,stood
upforanhourandahalfthatnighttowitness–what?
Afashionshow?
Asix-daybicycleraceorapersonalappearancebyClarkGable?
No.Thesepeoplehadbeenluredtherebyanewspaperad.Twoevenings
previously, they had seen this full-page announcement in the New York Sun
staringthemintheface:
LearntoSpeakEffectively
PrepareforLeadership
Old stuff? Yes, but believe it or not, in the most sophisticated town on earth,
during a depression with 20 percent of the population on relief, twenty-five
hundredpeoplehadlefttheirhomesandhustledtothehotelinresponsetothat
ad.Thepeoplewhorespondedwereoftheuppereconomicstrata–executives,
employersandprofessionals.
These men and women had come to hear the opening gun of an
ultramodern,ultrapracticalcoursein‘EffectiveSpeakingandInfluencingMenin
Business’–acoursegivenbytheDaleCarnegieInstituteofEffectiveSpeaking
andHumanRelations.
Whyweretheythere,thesetwenty-fivehundredbusinessmenandwomen?
Becauseofasuddenhungerformoreeducationbecauseofthedepression?
Apparentlynot,forthissamecoursehadbeenplayingtopackedhousesin
New York City every season for the preceding twenty-four years. During that
time, more than fifteen thousand business and professional people had been
trainedbyDaleCarnegie.Evenlarge,sceptical,conservativeorganisationssuch
astheWestinghouseElectricCompany,theMcGraw-HillPublishingCompany,
the Brooklyn Union Gas Company, the Brooklyn Chamber of Commerce, the
American Institute of Electrical Engineers and the New York Telephone
Companyhavehadthistrainingconductedintheirownofficesforthebenefitof
theirmembersandexecutives.
Thefactthatthesepeople,tenortwentyyearsafterleavinggradeschool,
highschoolorcollege,comeandtakethistrainingisaglaringcommentaryon
theshockingdeficienciesofoureducationalsystem.
Whatdoadultsreallywanttostudy?Thatisanimportantquestion;and,in
order to answer it, the University of Chicago, the American Association for
AdultEducation,andtheUnitedY.M.C.A.Schoolsmadeasurveyoveratwo-
yearperiod.
That survey revealed that the prime interest of adults is health. It also
revealedthattheirsecondinterestisindevelopingskillinhumanrelationships–
they want to learn the technique of getting along with and influencing other
people. They don’t want to listen to a lot of high-sounding talk about
psychology; they want suggestions they can use immediately in business, in
socialcontactsandinthehome.
Sothatwaswhatadultswantedtostudy,wasit?
‘All right,’ said the people making the survey. ‘Fine. If that is what they
want,we’llgiveittothem.’
Lookingroundforatextbook,theydiscoveredthatnoworkingmanualhad
ever been written to help people solve their daily problems in human
relationships.
Herewasafinekettleoffish!Forhundredsofyears,learnedvolumeshad
beenwrittenonGreekandLatinandhighermathematics–topicsaboutwhich
theaverageadultdoesn’tgivetwohoots.Butontheonesubjectonwhichhehas
athirstforknowledge,averitablepassionforguidanceandhelp–nothing!
Thisexplainedthepresenceoftwenty-fivehundredeageradultscrowding
into the grand ballroomof the Hotel Pennsylvaniainresponse to anewspaper
advertisement. Here, apparently, at last was the thing for which they had long
beenseeking.
Backinhighschoolandcollege,theyhadporedoverbooks,believingthat
knowledgealonewastheopensesametofinancialandprofessionalrewards.
Butafewyearsintherough-and-tumbleofbusiness andprofessionallife
had brought sharp disillusionment. They hadseensome of the most important
businesssuccesseswonbymenwhopossessed,inadditiontotheirknowledge,
the ability to talk well, to win people to their way of thinking, and to ‘sell’
themselvesandtheirideas.
They soon discovered that if one aspired to wear the captain’s cap and
navigate the ship of business, personality and the ability to talk are more
importantthanaknowledgeofLatinverbsorasheepskinfromHarvard.
TheadvertisementintheNewYorkSunpromisedthatthemeetingwould
behighlyentertaining.Itwas.
Eighteenpeoplewhohadtakenthecourseweremarshalledinfrontofthe
loudspeaker – and fifteen of them were given precisely seventy-five seconds
eachtotellhisorherstory.Onlyseventy-fivesecondsoftalk,then‘bang’went
thegavel,andthechairmanshouted,‘Time!Nextspeaker!’
Theaffairmovedwiththespeedofaherdofbuffalothunderingacrossthe
plains.Spectatorsstoodforanhourandahalftowatchtheperformance.
The speakers were a cross section of life: several sales representatives, a
chainstoreexecutive,abaker,thepresidentofatradeassociation,twobankers,
an insurance agent, an accountant, a dentist, an architect, a druggist who had
comefromIndianapolistoNewYorktotakethecourse,alawyerwhohadcome
from Havana in order to prepare himself to give one important three-minute
speech.
ThefirstspeakerboretheGaelicnamePatrickJ.O’Haire.BorninIreland,
he attended school for only four years, drifted to America, worked as a
mechanic,thenasachauffeur.
Now, however, he was forty, he had a growing family and needed more
money,sohetriedsellingtrucks.Sufferingfromaninferioritycomplexthat,as
heputit,waseatinghisheart out, he had to walkupanddowninfrontofan
officehalfadozentimesbeforehecouldsummonupenoughcouragetoopen
the door. He was so discouraged as a salesman that he was thinking of going
backtoworkingwithhishandsinamachineshop,whenonedayhereceiveda
letter inviting him to an organisation meeting of the Dale Carnegie Course in
EffectiveSpeaking.
Hedidn’twanttoattend.Hefearedhewouldhavetoassociatewithalotof
collegegraduates,thathewouldbeoutofplace.
Hisdespairingwifeinsistedthathego,saying,‘Itmaydoyousomegood,
Pat.Godknowsyouneedit.’Hewentdowntotheplacewherethemeetingwas
tobeheldandstoodonthesidewalkforfiveminutesbeforehecouldgenerate
enoughself-confidencetoentertheroom.
The first few times he tried to speak in front of the others, he was dizzy
with fear. But as the weeks drifted by, he lost all fear of audiences and soon
foundthathelovedtotalk–thebiggerthecrowd,thebetter.Andhealsolosthis
fearofindividualsandofhissuperiors.Hepresentedhisideastothem,andsoon
hehadbeenadvancedintothesalesdepartment. He had become a valuedand
much liked member of his company. This night, in the Hotel Pennsylvania,
Patrick O’Haire stood in front of twenty-five hundred people and told a gay,
rollickingstoryofhisachievements.Waveafterwaveoflaughtersweptoverthe
audience.Fewprofessionalspeakerscouldhaveequalledhisperformance.
Thenextspeaker,GodfreyMeyer,wasagrey-headedbanker,thefatherof
eleven children. The first time he had attempted to speak in class, he was
literally struck dumb. His mind refused to function. His story is a vivid
illustrationofhowleadershipgravitatestothepersonwhocantalk.
HeworkedonWallStreet,andfortwenty-fiveyearshehadbeenlivingin
Clifton,NewJersey.Duringthattime,hehadtakennoactivepartincommunity
affairsandknewperhapsfivehundredpeople.
ShortlyafterhehadenrolledintheCarnegiecourse,hereceivedhistaxbill
andwasinfuriatedbywhatheconsideredunjustcharges.Ordinarily,hewould
have sat at home andfumed,or he would havetakenit out in grousingtohis
neighbours. But instead, he put on his hat that night, walked into the town
meeting,andblewoffsteaminpublic.
Asaresultofthattalkofindignation,thecitizensofClifton,NewJersey,
urgedhimtorunforthetowncouncil.Soforweekshewentfromonemeetingto
another,denouncingwasteandmunicipalextravagance.
There were ninety-six candidates in the field. When the ballots were
counted, lo, Godfrey Meyer’s name led all the rest. Almost overnight, he had
becomeapublicfigureamongthefortythousandpeopleinhiscommunity.Asa
resultofhistalks,hemadeeightytimesmorefriendsinsixweeksthanhehad
beenabletopreviouslyintwenty-fiveyears.
Andhissalaryascouncilmanmeantthathegotareturnof1,000percenta
yearonhisinvestmentintheCarnegiecourse.
The third speaker, the head of a large national association of food
manufacturers,toldhowhehadbeenunabletostandupandexpresshisideasat
meetingsofaboardofdirectors.
Asaresultoflearningtothinkonhisfeet,twoastonishingthingshappened.
He was soon made president of his association, and in that capacity, he was
obligedtoaddressmeetingsallovertheUnitedStates.Excerptsfrom histalks
were put on the Associated Press wires and printed in newspapers and trade
magazinesthroughoutthecountry.
Intwoyears,afterlearningtospeakmoreeffectively,hereceivedmorefree
publicity for his company and its products than he had been able to get
previously with a quarter of a million dollars spent in direct advertising. This
speakeradmittedthathehadformerlyhesitatedtotelephonesomeofthemore
importantbusinessexecutivesinManhattanandinvitethemtolunchwithhim.
Butasaresultof the prestigehehadacquiredbyhistalks,these same people
telephonedhimandinvitedhimtolunchandapologisedtohimforencroaching
onhistime.
The ability to speak is a shortcut to distinction. It puts a person in the
limelight,raisesoneheadandshouldersabovethecrowd.Andthepersonwho
canspeakacceptablyisusuallygivencreditforanabilityoutofallproportionto
whatheorshereallypossesses.
Amovementforadulteducationhasbeensweepingoverthenation;andthe
mostspectacularforceinthatmovementwasDaleCarnegie,amanwholistened
to and critiqued more talks by adults than has any other man in captivity.
Accordingtoacartoonby‘Believe-It-or-Not’Ripley,hehadcriticised150,000
speeches. If that grand total doesn’t impress you, remember that it meant one
talkforalmosteverydaythathaspassedsinceColumbusdiscoveredAmerica.
Or, to put it in other words, if all the people who had spoken beforehim had
used only three minutes and had appeared before him in succession, it would
havetakentenmonths,listeningdayandnight,tohearthemall.
Dale Carnegie’s own career, filled with sharp contrasts, was a striking
exampleofwhatapersoncanaccomplishwhenobsessedwithanoriginalidea
andafirewithenthusiasm.
BornonaMissourifarmtenmilesfromarailway,heneversawastreetcar
untilhewastwelveyearsold;yetbythetimehewasforty-six,hewasfamiliar
with the far-flung corners of the earth, everywhere from Hong Kong to
Hammerfest; and at one time, he approached closer to the North Pole than
AdmiralByrd’sheadquartersatLittleAmericawastotheSouthPole.
ThisMissouriladwhohadoncepickedstrawberriesandcutcocklebursfor
five cents an hour became the highly paid trainer of the executives of large
corporationsintheartofself-expression.
This erstwhile cowboy who had once punched cattle and branded calves
andriddenfencesoutinwesternSouthDakotalaterwenttoLondontoputon
showsunderthepatronageoftheroyalfamily.
Thischapwhowasatotalfailurethefirsthalf-dozentimeshetriedtospeak
inpubliclaterbecamemypersonalmanager.Muchofmysuccesshasbeendue
totrainingunderDaleCarnegie.
YoungCarnegiehadtostruggleforaneducation,forhardluckwasalways
batteringawayattheoldfarminnorthwestMissouriwithaflyingtackleanda
bodyslam.Yearafteryear,the‘102’Riverroseanddrownedthecornandswept
awaythehay.Seasonafterseason,thefathogssickenedanddiedfromcholera,
thebottomfelloutofthemarketforcattleandmules,andthebankthreatenedto
foreclosethemortgage.
Sickwithdiscouragement,thefamilysoldoutandboughtanotherfarmnear
theStateTeachers’CollegeatWarrensburgh,Missouri.Boardandroomcouldbe
had in town for a dollar a day, but young Carnegie couldn’t afford it. So he
stayedonthefarmandcommutedonhorsebackthreemilestocollegeeachday.
Athome,hemilkedthecows,cutthewood,fedthehogs,andstudiedhisLatin
verbsbythelightofacoal-oillampuntilhiseyesblurredandhebegantonod.
Evenwhenhegottobedatmidnight,hesetthealarmforthreeo’clock.His
father bred pedigreed Duroc-Jersey hogs – and there was danger, during the
bittercoldnights,thattheyoungpigswouldfreezetodeath:sotheywereputin
abasket,coveredwithagunnysack,andsetbehindthekitchenstove.Trueto
theirnature,thepigsdemandedahotmealat3A.M.Sowhenthealarmwent
off, Dale Carnegie crawled out of the blankets, took the basket of pigs out to
their mother, waited for them to nurse, and then brought them back to the
warmthofthekitchenstove.
There were six hundred students in State Teachers’ College, and Dale
Carnegie was one of the isolated half-dozen who couldn’t afford to board in
town.Hewasashamedofthepovertythatmadeitnecessaryforhimtorideback
tothefarmandmilkthecowseverynight.Hewasashamedofhiscoat,which
was too tight, and his trousers, which were too short. Rapidly developing an
inferioritycomplex, he looked about forsomeshortcut to distinction. He soon
sawthattherewerecertaingroupsincollegethatenjoyedinfluenceandprestige
– the football and baseball players and the chaps who won the debating and
public-speakingcontests.
Realising that he had no flair for athletics, he decided to win one of the
speakingcontests.Hespentmonthspreparinghistalks.Hepractisedashesatin
thesaddlegallopingtocollegeandback;hepractisedhisspeechesashemilked
thecows;andthenhemountedabaleofhayinthebarnandwithgreatgustoand
gesturesharanguedthefrightenedpigeonsabouttheissuesoftheday.
Butinspiteofallhisearnestnessandpreparation,hemetwithdefeatafter
defeat. He was eighteen at the time – sensitive and proud. He became so
discouraged,sodepressed,thatheeventhoughtofsuicide.Andthensuddenlyhe
begantowin,notonecontest,buteveryspeakingcontestincollege.
Otherstudentspleadedwithhimtotrainthem;andtheywonalso.
Aftergraduatingfromcollege,hestartedsellingcorrespondencecoursesto
theranchersamongthesandhillsofwesternNebraskaandeasternWyoming.In
spiteofallhisboundlessenergyandenthusiasm,hecouldn’tmakethegrade.He
becamesodiscouragedthathewenttohishotelroominAlliance,Nebraska,in
the middle of the day, threw himself across the bed, and wept in despair. He
longedtogobacktocollege,helongedtoretreatfromtheharshbattleoflife;
buthecouldn’t.SoheresolvedtogotoOmahaandgetanotherjob.Hedidn’t
havethemoneyforarailroadticket,so hetravelledon afreighttrain,feeding
andwateringtwocarloadsofwildhorsesinreturnforhispassage.Afterlanding
insouthOmaha, hegotajobsellingbaconandsoapand lardforArmourand
Company. His territory was up among the Badlands and the cow and Indian
countryofwesternSouth Dakota.Hecoveredhisterritory by freighttrainand
stagecoachandhorsebackandsleptinpioneerhotelswheretheonlypartition
between the rooms was a sheet of muslin. He studied books on salesmanship,
rode bucking bronchos, played poker with the Indians, and learned how to
collectmoney.Andwhen,forexample,aninlandstorekeepercouldn’tpaycash
forthebaconandhamshehadordered,DaleCarnegiewouldtakeadozenpairs
ofshoesoffhisshelf,selltheshoestotherailroadmen,andforwardthereceipts
toArmourandCompany.
Hewouldoftenrideafreighttrainahundredmilesaday.Whenthetrain
stoppedtounloadfreight, hewoulddashuptown,seethree orfourmerchants,
gethisorders;andwhenthewhistleblew,hewoulddashdownthestreetagain
lickety-splitandswingontothetrainwhileitwasmoving.
Withintwoyears,hehadtakenanunproductiveterritorythathadstoodin
thetwenty-fifthplaceandhadboostedittofirstplaceamongallthetwenty-nine
carroutesleadingoutofsouthOmaha.ArmourandCompanyofferedtopromote
him,saying: ‘You have achievedwhatseemedimpossible.’ But he refused the
promotionandresigned,wenttoNewYork,studiedattheAmericanAcademyof
DramaticArts,andtouredthecountry,playingtheroleofDr.HarleyinPollyof
theCircus.
He would never be a Booth or a Barrymore. He had the good sense to
recognisethat.Sobackhewenttosaleswork,sellingautomobilesandtrucksfor
thePackardMotorCarCompany.
Heknewnothingabout machinery and cared nothing about it. Dreadfully
unhappy,hehadtoscourgehimselftohistaskeachday.Helongedtohavetime
tostudy,towritethebookshehaddreamedaboutwritingbackincollege.Sohe
resigned.Hewasgoingtospendhisdayswritingstoriesandnovelsandsupport
himselfbyteachinginanightschool.
Teachingwhat?Ashelookedbackandevaluatedhiscollegework,hesaw
that his training in public speaking had done more to give him confidence,
courage,poiseandtheabilitytomeetanddealwithpeopleinbusinessthanhad
alltherestofhiscollegecoursesputtogether.SoheurgedtheY.M.C.A.schools
in New York to give him a chance to conduct courses in public speaking for
peopleinbusiness.
What?Makeoratorsoutofbusinesspeople?Absurd.TheY.M.C.A.people
knew. They had tried such courses – and they had always failed. When they
refused to pay him a salary of two dollars a night, he agreed to teach on a
commission basis and take a percentage of the net profits – if there were any
profitstotake.Andinsideofthreeyearstheywerepayinghimthirtydollarsa
nightonthatbasis–insteadoftwo.
Thecoursegrew. Other ‘Ys’ heard of it,thenothercritics.DaleCarnegie
soon became a glorified circuit rider covering New York, Philadelphia,
BaltimoreandlaterLondonandParis.Allthetextbooksweretooacademicand
impracticalforthebusinesspeoplewhoflockedtohiscourses.Becauseofthis
he wrote his own book entitled Public Speaking and Influencing Men in
Business, It became the official text of all the Y.M.C.A.s as well as of the
AmericanBankers’AssociationandtheNationalCreditMen’sAssociation.
DaleCarnegieclaimedthatallpeoplecantalkwhentheygetmad.Hesaid
thatifyouhitthemostignorantmanintownonthejawandknockhimdown,he
wouldgetonhisfeetandtalkwithaneloquence,heatandemphasisthatwould
haverivalledthatworldfamousoratorWilliamJenningsBryanattheheightof
hiscareer.Heclaimedthatalmostanypersoncanspeakacceptablyinpublicif
heorshehasself-confidenceandanideathatisboilingandstewingwithin.
Thewaytodevelopself-confidence,hesaid,istodothethingyoufearto
do and get a record of successful experiences behind you. So he forced each
classmembertotalkateverysessionofthecourse.Theaudienceissympathetic.
Theyareallinthesameboat;and,byconstantpractice,theydevelopacourage,
confidenceandenthusiasmthatcarryoverintotheirprivatespeaking.
DaleCarnegiewouldtellyouthathemadealivingalltheseyears,notby
teachingpublicspeaking–thatwasincidental.Hismainjobwastohelppeople
conquertheirfearsanddevelopcourage.
Hestartedoutatfirsttoconductmerelyacourseinpublicspeaking,butthe
studentswhocamewerebusinessmenandwomen.Manyofthemhadn’tseen
theinsideofaclassroominthirtyyears.Mostofthemwerepayingtheirtuition
on the installment plan. They wanted results and they wanted them quick –
resultsthattheycouldusethenextdayinbusinessinterviewsandinspeaking
beforegroups.
Sohewasforcedtobeswiftandpractical.Consequently,hedevelopeda
system of training that is unique – a striking combination of public speaking,
salesmanship,humanrelationsandappliedpsychology.
Aslavetonohard-and-fastrules,hedevelopedacoursethatisasrealasthe
measlesandtwiceasmuchfun.
Whentheclassesterminated,thegraduatesformedclubsoftheirownand
continued to meet fortnightly for years afterwards. One group of nineteen in
Philadelphia met twice a month during the winter season for seventeen years.
Classmembersfrequentlytravelfiftyorahundredmilestoattendclasses.One
studentusedtocommuteeachweekfromChicagotoNewYork.
Professor William James of Harvard used to say that the average person
developsonly10percentofhislatentmentalability.DaleCarnegie,byhelping
businessmenandwomentodeveloptheirlatentpossibilities,createdoneofthe
mostsignificantmovementsinadulteducation.
LowellThomas1936
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Firstpublishedin1953byCedar
FirstpublishedbyVermilion,animprintofEburyPublishing,in1998
ThiseditionpublishedbyVermilionin2006
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Copyright©DaleCarnegie1936
Copyright©DonnaDaleCarnegieandDorothyCarnegie1964
Revisededitioncopyright©DonnaDaleCarnegieand
DorothyCarnegie1981
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